Jennifer's Body (2009)

Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried star in this hip comedy horror directed by Karyn Kusama from a script by Diablo "writer of Juno" Cody. I think every review of this movie has to mention the fact that Diablo "writer of Juno" Cody was the writer of Juno. This fact may help people decide whether they are going to like or dislike Jennifer's Body because it certainly contains a lot of the highly stylised teenspeak that Diablo peppered throughout her most famous script (to date, anyway).

The plot sees Jennifer (Fox) and her unlikely, and slightly geeky, best friend Needy (Seyfried) attending a rock gig featuring a band with a lead singer (Adam Brody) that Jennifer would like to get to know a lot better. But when a fire burns down the venue things go speedily downhill and Needy simply looks on as Jennifer is taken away in the rock group's van to who knows where. The next day it seems that all is well, weirdly so, but something is different about Jennifer - she's now possessed and likes to terrorise and eat her fellow schoolmates. This causes some understandable friction between the two pals, and as the rift widens it's Needy who starts to uncover the truth behind the recent spate of deaths in town.

A lot of people have had the knives out already due to the lead role being played here by Megan Fox, an attractive girl most associated with the large battling robots of the Transformers movies. But it's with performances like this one and her turn in How To Lose Friends And Alienate People that she proves she's more than just a pretty face. Seyfried is a great asset as the best friend who has to face some difficult decisions and none of the other young actors let themselves down in any way. There really aren't too many older stars given much time but J.K. Simmons stands out in his small, fun role.

Stylistically, the movie reminded me very much of Heathers and also Mean Girls in its skewing of high school hierarchy and the twisting of the stereotypical teen roles. As mentioned before, those who do not like the kind of teenspeak used in Juno, etc. may find the whole thing a bit jarring to the ears but the blend of scares, tension and smart one-liners (my personal favourite being a great "Rocky Horror" gag) should please those who dig the movie's overall vibe.

7/10 

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Robin Hood (2010)

So I thought I knew what I was getting into when I went to see Ridley Scott's take on Robin Hood at the cinema. I was in safe hands, surely. Russell Crowe in the central role (who does well but provides a strange Geordie/Glaswegian accent for the part), Cate Blanchett as "Maid Marion" (excellent), the fantastic Mark Strong as the baddie, other roles given to the likes of Max Von Sydow, Oscar Isaac, Eileen Atkins, Léa Seydoux, William Hurt, Matthew Macfadyen, Danny Huston, Kevin Durand, Scott Grimes and Mark Addy amongst others. All of them are at least very good, most of them are excellent. A screenplay by Brian Helgeland. It all seemed so good. I mean, good grief, there isn't one Ridley Scott movie I can think of from the past 30-40 years that I've actually disliked.

Which makes it all the more disappointing that this movie was a bit of a misfire. Its greatest strength (the talent behind and in front of the camera) proves to be its biggest drawback. This movie coming from anyone else would have been alright. But coming from people I expected so much from means that, despite one or two great moments here and there, it just doesn't cut it. No sir.

The story, for those unaware, is all about how the man we came to know as Robin Hood actually became the famed outlaw we all love to this day. This is not a tale of daring archery contests, no cocking a snoot at some panto baddie here, this is an origins tale.

Which is a great shame because when the movie gets close to some swashbuckling fun it then pulls back just when things are about to get entertaining. Does this make me a shallow audience member or am I simply suffering because Ridley Scott wants to have his cake and eat it in so many ways? He wants the "reality" of the story yet laces it with wonderful, cinematic moments. He wants actual characters instead of caricatures and then makes the decision to portray Marion (after such a good number of scenes pitching things perfectly) as a much-too-progressive spirited fighter. Not to mention the bizarre inclusion of "the lost boys" for reasons best known to himself.

As good as it gets in places, and it does get very good, it all feels like a movie that had to be made just to get a greenlight for the sequel, a film featuring all of the antics and swashbuckling fun we love about Robin and his men in tights (surely).

It's definitely not the Gladiator 2 that many lazy critics tagged it, neither is it an actual, fully fledged, Robin Hood movie. Ironically, this feels very much like Robin Begins.

NB. The Bluray, as expected, is a nice package. While there's not enough in the mix to make it worth a purchase if you hated the movie, there's plenty to enjoy if, like me, you liked parts of the film, and wanted to like it more.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Robin-Hood-Extended-Directors-Blu-ray/dp/B003DZ1328/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1388850998&sr=8-2&keywords=robin+hood+blu+ray

Dead And Buried (1981)

Dead And Buried is a great little horror movie. It's one of those films that's just so much fun, it's a campfire tale of a movie, an E.C. comic on screen and none the worse for it.

Things start off with a horrible murder and then get decidedly odd as we see people walking around who should be staying very still due to them being mortality-challenged, according to the information that the local sheriff Dan Gillis (James Farentino) is receiving. Is there a conspiracy going on in the town? Voodoo hoodoo perhaps? Or does the local mortician (played by Jack Albertson) have some secret that he's managed to hide from the sheriff?

Ronald Shusett and Dan O'Bannon wrote the script, based on a story by Jeff Millar and Alex Stern, and the publicity at the time made the most of the fact that these men were responsible for crafting the script of Alien. This is, of course, a very different type of movie but it's handled just as carefully and paced perfectly.

Director Gary Sherman mixes some proper shocks (which gained it enough attention to get it tagged as a "video nasty" back amidst that particular furore) with lashings of atmosphere so thick that you can almost smell the saltwater-mist as it rolls through the screen.

The acting is pretty top-notch from everyone involved. Farentino is very good as the leading man trying to figure out what's going on in his town but it's Albertson who steals the show as the mortician with a real pride in his work, often accompanied by his favourite big-band music. Other faces of note include Robert Englund, Barry Corbin (a tiny role but always good to see him), Glenn Morshower, Christopher Allport, the lovely Melody Anderson and Lisa Blount, who makes quite an impression with her limited screen time.

Perhaps it's a movie that feels a bit too cheeky by the time the end credits roll but it's a fine mix of black comedy and outright horror that I feel does just enough to assume the viewer is onside right up until it reveals it's punchline. It's a fun ride but also has moments of real horror there. It has a fine pedigree (Sherman had previously directed Death Line while Shusett and O'Bannon had given us that killer xenomorph) and I think that most fans should love it.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dead-And-Buried-James-Farentino/dp/B0002ADX0M/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1388784797&sr=8-6&keywords=dead+and+buried

Chicken Little (2005)

Unjustly overlooked by fans of fun animation, Chicken Little remains a firm favourite of mine and provides a great mix of cute, wacky and outright crazy.

The basic story is all about our titular character (voiced by Zach Braff), an innocent chicken who finds himself the butt of many jokes when he mistakenly tries to warn people that the sky is falling after something hits him on the head. The crowd that gathers around him assumes that it was just an acorn. It wasn't, but just how will Chicken Little manage to convince everyone that he is the only one who knows the worrying truth. Perhaps his friends - Runt Of The Litter (Steve Zahn), Abby Mallard (Joan Cusack) and Fish Out Of Water (Dan Molina) - can be of some use. Perhaps.

Rattling along at a great pace, Chicken Little marries lovely visuals to a multitude of great gags, big and small, and also throws in the usual Disney life lesson. Thankfully, the life lesson part isn't overdone and plays perfectly for the intended audience while the laughs keep coming thick and fast.

The voice cast also includes people like Patrick Warburton, Harry Shearer, Wallace Shawn, Fred Willard, Patrick Stewart, Don Knotts, Amy Sedaris and even Adam West. Which means that it's brilliant.

Lots of people had a hand in forming the screenplay and adding dialogue, including director Mark Dindal, but this doesn't leave the movie feeling overcrowded. On the contrary, Dindal in his directorial role makes sure that everything feels perfectly paced and balanced.

A film that doesn't deserve to be so easily forgotten and/or dismissed - give Chicken Little a viewing and find out how enjoyable it is for yourself.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Chicken-Little-Blu-ray-Mark-Dindal/dp/B000MR8SRI/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1388664621&sr=8-2&keywords=chicken+little

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

This review is going here because, well, I wanted to start off the new year with a smile on my face.

As simple as it is gut-bustingly funny, Dodgeball is a near-perfect mix of great one-liners and physical comedy, populated by a cast all playing to their strengths and directed with sharp focus on moving from one comedy beat to the next.

Vince Vaughn plays Peter La Fleur, owner of Average Joe's gym. La Fleur is a nice guy, but a terrible businessman. When he's given a very short time in which to come up with a very large sum of money it looks like Average Joe's is about to close. Which is good news for White Goodman (Ben Stiller), the narcissistic, dense, mean owner of Globo-Gym (slogan: "We're better than you, and we know it").
There may, however, be a way to raise the money and save Average Joe's. Yep, you guessed it. Dodgeball. There's a big tournament about to happen, and the prize money is just the exact amount that La Fleur needs to save the gym.

Written and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber, who would score another big comedy hit almost ten years later with We're The Millers, this is very much a love or hate movie, and I love it. In fact, it's one of those movies that I love so much that I just hope many of my friends also love it, otherwise I start to question their taste, and then question the basis of our friendship, and then question by questioning manner, and then just collapse into a heap of paranoia and low self-esteem.

Vaughn is a fast-talking average Joe (almost literally, in this case), Stiller is the angry idiot, Justin Long is a good-hearted klutz, Stephen Root is someone who builds and builds up his anger until he explodes, Joel David Moore is a socially awkward bundle of nerves and, well, I guess you get the picture. What I'm emphasising here with my description of each character is that this is not a film to watch if you do not like any of these actors doing their usual stuff. Christine Taylor is very good as the attractive young woman who La Fleur takes a shine to, Rip Torn is hilarious as a violent dodgeball coach, and there are great cameos from the likes of David Hasslehoff, William Shatner, Hank Azaria, Lance Armstrong (although his cameo isn't as funny now as it once was) and even Chuck Norris. Gary Cole and Jason Bateman are to commentators with distinctly different styles, and Missi Pyle is the most dangerous woman in the world with a dodgeball.

Is it a modern comedy classic? Most people would probably say that it isn't, but Dodgeball has a better laugh-per-minute ratio than almost any other comedy I can think of since the turn of the 21st century. It's the perfect blend of clever and dumb, with an extra sprinkling of . . . . . . . . even more dumb, and I certainly rank it up there with many other comedy greats. It might not be perfect, but it comes close.

And the sequence that pops up during the end credits may not be big or clever, but it's yet another moment that makes me burst out laughing, ensuring that the smile stays on my face for some time after the movie has finished.

9/10

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Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972)

AKA Night Of The Dark Full Moon.

It's funny what you discover on a never-ending journey through the years of cinema. For example, I'm a HUGE fan of Halloween. It's one of my favourite movies of all time, and my favourite horror movie. But I admit, as much as I love Carpenter, that it was hugely influenced by many films to come along beforehand. People argue over the real starting point of the slasher movie subgenre, from Agatha Christie adaptations to Mario Bava's Blood And Black Lace, but there are some who quickly cite Bob Clark's work in Black Christmas as a way to undermine the classic created by Carpenter. Strange that few of those people seem to then explain that Clark MAY have been influenced by this movie, a slasher set around Christmastime (albeit without obvious decorations and seasonal details everywhere) that features a lot of POV camerawork.

Mary Woronov plays a young woman named Diane, who ends up in the middle of a very dangerous situation. It's all to do with a house that was once owned by Wilfred Butler. His grandson, Jeffrey Butler (James Patterson), is arranging to sell the house, offloading it at a bargain price, but it seems that someone, perhaps even Jeffrey himself, wants a number of people to die before the house is handed over to a different family. Diane is the daughter of Mayor Adams (Walter Abel), one of a number of people drawn to the house by the scheming killer, and she ends up teaming up with Jeffrey, despite her suspicions, while she tried to figure out exactly what is going on.

Written by Jeffrey Konvitz and Ira Teller, this is an enjoyably twisty and twisted tale that simply undoes a lot of good work by being a bit too convoluted and reliant on the backstory, a backstory revealed in the third act via a flashback that lasts for quite a while. If the writers had found a way to spread this backstory throughout the movie, instead of throwing it in there in one big lump, then things would have been greatly improved.

The cast isn't chock full of great actors, but genre fans will enjoy Woronov in a lead role. Patterson is quite good, suitably shifty and sweaty while viewers decide whether he's good or bad.

Director Theodore Gershuny keeps things dark and grimy, which is both a plus and a minus for the movie. He does well, and the film does deserve to be seen by a wider audience, but there are a lot of minor flaws that add up to detract from the overall experience.

6/10

Unfortunately, I don't know the actual quality of the disc, so try to pick this up as cheaply as possible, until it (maybe) gets special treatment one day - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Silent-Night-Bloody-DVD/dp/B00096J1KA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1388174003&sr=8-2&keywords=silent+night%2C+bloody+night

The Christmas Bunny (2010)

I can only assume that it's the time of year making me even more forgiving than usual, allowing me to overlook numerous failings and react positively to fluff that I would normally not look twice at. Whatever the reason, be it the time of year or just my own good nature, The Christmas Bunny is yet another movie that I have watched lately, and been pleasantly surprised by.

Let me be clear from the very start. There's a lot here that isn't good. The young girl in the lead role (Sophie Bolen, playing Julia) is one of the weakest elements, and anyone after something very Christmassy will feel a bit short-changed.

Julia is a young girl with problems. Her mother isn't fit to look after her, so she is handed over to a couple (played by Madeline Vail and Colby French) who want to help her start enjoying the rest of her childhood. Julia doesn't talk to people, and sometimes reacts violently to seemingly harmless gestures, like being given a doll as a gift. She starts to open up, however, when a wounded bunny is found and she has the chance to help care for it. Unfortunately, the care of the bunny may be more than her new foster parents can afford, but there might be extra help available in the shape of Betsy Ross (Florence Henderson), an eccentric woman who looks after rabbits in need. As she does her best to keep the bunny safe and on the road to recovery, Julia starts to open up to those around her.

Written and directed by Tom Seidman, this is obviously a movie with good intentions that falls slightly short of its aims. It's more impressive when it laces the snowy sappiness with slightly darker moments (like the flashback showing why Julia ended up in care), but those are few and far between. Okay, I accept that most people wouldn't want a movie called The Christmas Bunny to be unrelentingly bleak from start to finish, but the little bit of grit hints at a better movie that could have been made.

Vail and French both do well, and are allowed to play a couple who almost feel like real people with real problems, certainly compared to many other characters in these types of movies. Henderson is the highlight, as crotchety and blunt as she is also, deep down, kind and lonely. We've seen the type many times before, often due some redemption during the festive season, but she does well in her role. And then there's Bolen, who I won't go on about. It would be unfair to keep picking on a child, despite how bad she is in the lead role.

This is one to watch on a snowy or rainy afternoon, when there's nothing else to occupy your time and you've seen most of the other choices.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Christmas-Bunny-Sophie-Bolen/dp/B005M2ANEE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388170527&sr=8-1&keywords=the+christmas+bunny

The Mistle-Tones (2012)

Tia Mowry-Hardrict plays a young woman, named Holly, who really wants a chance to join a local Christmas singing group (headed up by Tori Spelling). When she misses out, despite being the best candidate, she decides to instead create her own group and compete in a hastily-arranged "sing off" at the local mall. Working with a number of colleagues, it's a race against time to get everyone whipped into shape and believing in their own abilities.

The cast all do fine with this big bundle of predictability and Christmas schmaltz. Mowry-Hardrict (billed here just as Tia Mowry) is a pleasant enough lead, Spelling is a fun baddie, and Jonathan Patrick Moore stands out as Nick Anderson, Holly's manager who ends up being a big help once Holly discovers a secret  that she uses to temporarily blackmail him. Andy Gala, Megan Kathleen Duffy and Jason Rogel, as well as the others appearing onscreen, are all just fine.

The script, by Jed Elinoff and Scott Thomas, does everything that it has to do, with no surprises. Okay, there may be one or two twists to the standard formula, but not enough to worry seasoned viewers of such seasonal fare, and everything is in place by the time the end credits roll.

Director Paul Hoen keeps everything moving along nicely. There isn't a lot of time wasted - with the very first scenes showing Holly waking up late and rushing to get along to the auditions - and one or two montage moments are enjoyable enough. It's never hilarious, or too exciting, but it manages to avoid dullness for most of the runtime.

Pleasant enough, this sits alongside many other mildly diverting TV movies made with Christmas in mind. Your life will be just fine if you never see it, but it's not a bad one to help get you into the holiday spirit.

5/10

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Santa Claus (1959)

Thanks to those who recommended this one to me, and please let me know of any mistakes that I may have made in this review. This is one tricky film to keep track of.

Currently sitting amongst many other stinkers in the IMDb Bottom 100, Santa Claus really isn't THAT bad for a bizarre bit of Christmas entertainment for the family. Oh, it's bad, but the ineptitude is often outweighed by the enjoyable imagination on display and the commitment from everyone involved to provide audiences with a new seasonal tale, full of memorable characters and valuable lessons.

The devil doesn't like Santa (Jose Elias Moreno), what with him spreading good cheer and positivity. And that's why he gives Pitch (Jose Luis Aguirre) the job of turning kids against him and ruining Christmas. If Pitch succeeds then the devil will be pleased, but if he fails then the punishment will be to eat lots of ice cream (which is painful to those who enjoy the heat of Hades). As Santa goes about his duties on Christmas, he tries to stay one step ahead of Pitch, who is busy setting traps and whispering in the ears of children he thinks he can use against Santa. This includes young Lupita (Lupita Quezadas), who yearns to receive a beautiful dolly on Christmas morning.

Directed by Rene Cardona, who also created the story with Adolfo Torres Portillo, this is sometimes cringeworthy stuff. In the first 5-10 minutes we see that Santa has a selection of children from all countries helping to make his toys, and those children are shown in the most racially stereotypical way possible. It does not bode well. But, thankfully, the film gets beyond that, as clumsy as it is, and manages to become mildly entertaining, if still very simplistic and thoughtlessly put together (Santa has Merlin on hand to help him out, for example, and let's not mention his creepy reindeer).

Moreno is perfectly fine in the role of Santa, he fills out the suit and says "ho ho ho" a lot, and everyone else does what is asked of them, with Aguirre jumping around in frustration or rubbing his hands in glee, depending on how his scheming is going. The child actors aren't particularly great, but Quezadas is sweet enough as the little girl wanting a dolly that her parents can't afford to get her.

It's easy to point and laugh at this movie, and it's certainly more of a curio piece than something that you would seek out to watch for any cinematic value, but it's also no worse than hundreds of other confections that use the magic that infuses Christmas as a main plot point.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Santa-Claus-Jose-Elias-Moreno/dp/B0006HU2YG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388173210&sr=8-1&keywords=santa+claus+1959

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus (2004)

Steve Guttenberg stars as the son of Santa in this movie, all about his quest to find love before he settles into the role that he's destined for. He is given a list of potential names to try and find a connection with, but doesn't find himself warming to any of them. Instead, he ends up enjoying the company of a woman (Beth, played by Crystal Bernard) who works in the advertising industry. The two, initially, seem to have different sets of values, but viewers won't be surprised to see how things eventually turn out.

I realise that some people may have made up their minds about this movie based on the first three words of this review, but it's worth remembering that a) Steve Guttenberg headlined some great movies and b) expectations should always be kept low when about to view any festive TV movies. So let's move past that and look at what else the film has to offer.

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus is the usual mix of sweetness, simple lessons about the values that people should hold dear, and a sprinkling of magic. Guttenberg and Bernard are both fine in the lead roles, working nicely together and doing their best to help distract viewers from the slightly hasty and clumsy plotline unfolding. Dominic Scott Kay plays the son of Bernard's character, and does well, and Armin Shimerman is a lot of fun as Ernest, the assistant to the Claus family, doing his best to ensure that Claus Jr. is ready to step into the boots of Claus Sr.

The script, by Pamela Wallace, is standard TV movie stuff. It's inoffensive and light on laughs, but it wanders along from A to B in a perfectly serviceable manner. Harvey Frost directs with competence, and a quick glance at his filmography shows that he's also directed at least four other Christmas movies, so the guy seems to have found his niche.

This isn't a film that you'll look forward to seeing in the viewing schedules, but it's a perfectly acceptable bit of fun at Christmas. It may be distinctly average, but even that can be a pleasant surprise in the minefield of Christmas TV movies.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Single-Santa-Seeks-Mrs-Claus/dp/B002L5NYPU/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1387818868&sr=1-1&keywords=single+santa+seeks+mrs+claus

Christmas Angel (2012)

When I saw the opening credits of Christmas Angel my heart sank. It's a film directed by Brian Herzlinger. If you're unfamiliar with that name then you were lucky enough to avoid the My Date With Drew drama on IMDb a number of years ago, in which Herzlinger spectacularly failed to realise the difference between enjoyable, friendly self-promotion on a chat forum and having to use hyperbole, lies and petty insults to stand your ground on a movie that few people had heard of at the time, let alone formed any opinion on. My Date With Drew was bad, but it wasn't THAT bad. If he'd gone about things in a different way then he may have received some grudging compliments. But he didn't. I only hope, for all concerned, that he's learned his lessons and moved on. Because nobody needs to sail through THAT shitstorm twice in one lifetime.

So let's get to this film. And let me say right now that I quite enjoyed it. I didn't love it - it's one of the many Christmassy TV movies that always reminds viewers that it's a Christmassy TV movie - but it was harmless enough, and featured a few good lead performances helping things along. Heck, the story was almost just the right level of sweetness to make you care without making you vomit. Almost.

The plot concerns a young girl (Olivia, played by Izabela Vidovic) who decides to investigate further when a number of wishes, made by her fellow classmates, are fulfilled. Olivia wants a husband for her mother (played by Teri Polo), a situation that looks a bit more likely when Nathan Davis (Kevin Sorbo) comes into their life. But Nathan isn't the man that Olivia wanted for her mother. Can she make her own wish come true? Perhaps the old woman (Della Reese) living nearby can help.

The script here is perfectly acceptable for a Christmas confection, and the performances from all involved are pretty good. Vidovic often veers over from cute territory to smug, but I guess most people won't be as bothered as I was by that balancing act. Polo and Sorbo do well, with the former especially likable and the latter doing a good "is he or isn't he a grinch?" routine. Reese is a lot of fun as the woman who may be holding one or two secrets, and Tamera Mowry-Hously and Jaiden Kaine help to liven things up, playing friends of the character played by Polo, a couple not averse to some minor meddling if it sees their friend happy.

There's nothing here that's great, but it could be good, if not for one main aspect. Yes, you may have guessed it, the direction. A lot of it is competent enough (I mean, this isn't exactly Gravity that we're watching), but then there are moments when the camerawork/framing is so clumsy that it takes you out of the movie, and you need to stay immersed in a light piece of work like this. Despite what he may think if he ever reads this, and I know Herzlinger certainly used to keep a close eye on reviews of his work, this is not me looking for an excuse to bash him. I'm not saying that his work on the film is inept, but there are certainly times when it's lacking, even for a TV movie.

All in all, Christmas Angel evens out to be a pretty average, ultimately quite enjoyable, story to watch during the Yuletide season.

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Angel-Kevin-Sorbo/dp/B008EFDC6M/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1387876767&sr=8-3&keywords=christmas+angel

Hogfather (2006)

Based on a book by the prolific, and fantastic, Terry Pratchett, Hogfather is very much a Christmas movie in all but name. You see, it takes place in the fantasy universe created by Pratchett, on a main planet named Discworld, and during the holiday of Hogswatch (which is equivalent to our own Christmas, with gifts being delivered by a fat man who squeezes down chimneys - the Hogfather of the title). But strange things are afoot on this Hogswatch. There's a cunning assassin (Teatime, not pronounced how it is spelt, played by Marc Warren) who wants to stop children believing in the Hogfather, in order to set off a chain of events that he thinks may even stop the sun rising. Because belief is a powerful thing. Death (voiced by Ian Richardson), and his assistant (Albert, played by David Jason), does what he can to keep the belief alive, delivering gifts and essentially becoming the Hogfather for a night, but his actions alone may not be enough. Fortunately, he may receive some help from his half-human granddaughter, Susan (Michelle Dockery), and a bunch of wizards (led by Mustrum Ridcully, played by Joss Ackland). As the night plays out, some may die, while others may pop into existence for the very first time. Because belief IS a powerful thing.

Directed, and adapted from the source material, by Vadim Jean (who also then helmed The Colour Of Magic), Hogfather is perhaps a slice of festive entertainment enjoyed best by those not as familiar with the works of Pratchett. The introduction sets things up quickly and easily enough, before going on to develop the story in a way that allows viewers to play catch up. Of course, those familiar with Discworld will find more little details to enjoy, but I find that every adaptation of Pratchett's work suffers, simply by being unable to translate the many little gags and footnotes into anything cinematic. The same problem, unsurprisingly, to arise when film-makers try to mine the equally rich imagination of Douglas Adams.

Hogfather, with its more familiar holiday setting (as already mentioned, this is a Christmas movie in all but name) fares better than most. The mix of great characters and fun special effects (both practical and computer-generated, all suited to the tone of the material) helps, the script provides some laughs once it gets into the second half, and the cast are all pretty great in their mix of quirky roles. It's worth noting here that this was created as a two-part TV movie, and the second half is certainly more consistently entertaining than the first half.

Ian Richardson may provide the voice only, but he gets to portray one of the most beloved characters in the Discworld universe. As surprising as it may seem, Death is always good company, and this movie treats him as well as he deserves. David Jason, Michelle Dockery and Joss Ackland are all just fantastic in their roles, while Marc Warren is a lot of fun, but stuck with interpreting one of the stranger characters onscreen (in terms of mannerisms and speech). Support comes from a talented bunch, including Nigel Planer, Tony Robinson, Craig Conway, David Warner, Stephen Marcus, Sinead Matthews and many more, with nary one poorly delivered line between them.

Different from almost anything else you could choose to watch in December, Hogfather hits all of the required notes, but gives everything a fun twist. And it has Death in a "Santa suit", so what more do you need?

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hogfather-2-Disc-DVD-David-Jason/dp/B000MRP3Y4/ref=sr_1_3?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1387817671&sr=1-3&keywords=hogfather

A Cadaver Christmas (2011)

It took three people to write A Cadaver Christmas and you should know what to expect when you see that two of those three co-writers also bag two lead roles, with the third scribe also taking on the directing duties. Yes, A Cadaver Christmas may not be the worst independent, zombie-related, horror-comedy set at Christmas time, but it has too many flaws to make it a truly enjoyable experience.

Daniel Rairdin-Hale is a man who walks into a bar covered in blood, and he has a story to tell that nobody will believe. It involves a crowd of walking undead and creative use of the tools that he uses in his janitorial position. While nobody quite believes what they're hearing, they all end up sticking together until they get to the bottom of whatever is going on. The motley crew includes the bartender (Hanlon-Smith Dorsey) and one of his loyal customers (Ben Hopkins), a police officer (Yosh Hayashi) and his twisted perp (Andrew Ryan) - with all of them about to have a memorable Christmas.

Mixing elements of Braindead and Feast, with a few other splatterific titles referenced along the way, A Cadaver Christmas tries hard for most of its runtime, but it becomes clear after the first few scenes that this is a slight film built around a few set-pieces that aren't as memorable as they were in the minds of the men writing the script (Rairdin-Hale, Dorsey and director Joe Zerull).

The performances are all almost okay. I wouldn't say that anyone is terrible, but that's only because I am a kind soul who doesn't like to lay in to people who seemed to be trying their best. Let's just say that none of the main cast members are at ease in front of the camera, with each performance containing at least a hint of awkwardness.

But we horror fans can forgive any level of acting onscreen if the gore and pacing keep us happy, right? Well, there are one or two good gore gags, but this film falls into the trap that has claimed so many others. Sequences that should run for a minute or two are, instead, stretched beyond breaking point, and so much of the material feels like filler that it starts to become boring.

It's not unwatchable, not by any means, but I'm still waiting to see that truly great Christmas zombie movie. Hell, at this point I will settle for a good one. A Cadaver Christmas is just average, at best.

5/10

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The Christmas That Almost Wasn't (1966)

The Christmas That Almost Wasn't is a fun tale all about Santa (Alberto Rabagliati) doing his best to raise the rent money required to avoid eviction by the nasty Phineas T. Prune (Rossano Brazzi). He is helped in his quest by Mrs. Claus (Lydia Brazzi), of course, and a lawyer named Sam Whipple (Paul Tripp).

As the jaunty theme tune started up and some animated credits rolled, I had no idea what to expect from this little movie (a random Netflix choice). As soon as the movie properly began I started to wonder just what I was letting myself in for. It doesn't allow any time for viewers to acclimatise themselves to the fanciful, childish nature of the material, instead throwing them headfirst into a conversation between Santa and Mr. Whipple about the dire situation that may put an end to Christmas. This pays off, however, because there can then be more time devoted to the musical moments and the race-against-time plot.

The musical numbers are often a bit clumsy, but there's also fun to be had in their childish simplicity and playfulness. Intentionally or not, the film captures a number of elements that work well in terms of how young children think and play.

The acting isn't bad, but it's a film that suffers from some clumsy dubbing, like so many from this era. Rabagliati is a kindly Santa, Tripp is nice enough as Mr. Whipple, Lydia Brazzi is a sweet Mrs. Claus and Rossano Brazzi is enjoyably mean as Mr. Prune. Mischa Auer may seem a bit too stern and strange to be the elf foreman, but he's so quirky that his presence is an added bonus, and completely in line with the slightly off-kilter nature of the whole thing.

Brazzi, as well as playing the big baddie of the piece, also directed and wrote the script (based on a story by Tripp). Nicely mixing a few moments of model work and stop-motion animation with the live-action style that makes up the majority of the film, it feels very much as if anything necessary to get the story told was utilised.

The end result is an enjoyable Christmas flight of fancy that deserves to be better known.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/The-Christmas-That-Almost-Wasnt/dp/B0000A9GJK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387791038&sr=8-1&keywords=the+christmas+that+almost+wasn%27t

Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger! (2012)

I didn't really like Nativity! that much, so it really comes as no surprise that I am not a fan of Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger!

Debbie Isitt handles both the directing and writing duties, once again, and relies on some cute kids to carry the whole thing, once again. There were one or two moments that made me almost grin, I admit it, but most of this film was almost painful to endure.

Poor David Tennant plays two roles here. In one, the main one, he is the teacher - Mr. Peterson - taking over from Martin Freeman's character (Freeman at least had the sense not to return), while his other character is . . . . . . . his nasty twin brother. There's a national singing competition being held that Mr. Peterson ends up taking his new class along to, after the smallest amount of persuasion from the loony Mr. Poppy (Marc Wootton returning to his role).

With Jason Watkins and Pam Ferris also returning, as well as many of the kids from the first movie, this is a film that wants to take viewers on a gentle trip through some familiar territory. That can work, and is often the way of sequels, but when it's not done well it just ends up feeling horribly lazy. Considering the lack of laughs, and lack of care taken with the slipshod plotting and characterisations here, that feeling of laziness just grows with each moment.

Tennant is someone I like, and his presence here helps to make this bearable, but he can't do much to improve what he's given. Wootton enjoys himself again, and occasionally forces viewers to smile, but the only consistently good comedy comes from Jessica Hynes, playing the celebrity hostess of the competition as a cross between Charlotte Church and Katherine Jenkins.

Utilising the same mix of scripted moments and improvisation as the first movie, this poor effort MAY please those who enjoy David Tennant, Marc Wootton, and/or cute kids being cheeky. But that's not guaranteed. It's more likely that by the time the end credits roll you will curse yourself for having wasted your time on it.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nativity-Danger-The-Manger-DVD/dp/B00EE6C4IW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1387663567&sr=8-2&keywords=nativity+2

Stalled (2013)

It's a zombie movie that takes place during a workplace Christmas party, so I'm counting it as a Christmas movie.

Considering that Christmas celebrates a figure we could acknowledge as a superstar zombie (although there's no mention of any craving for brains after the resurrection), it is perhaps surprising that there aren't more movies mixing the living dead with the tinsel-adorned festivities. Mind you, when we have films as bad as Silent Night, Zombie Night and Santa Claus Versus The Zombies, maybe we should just be thankful.

Stalled is nowhere near as bad as those movies just mentioned. It's actually an enjoyably different spin on the zombie movie, focusing on a man (credited as W.C, played by Dan Palmer) trapped in a toilet stall while zombies starts to pile up around him. There's a woman in a nearby stall talking him through a few ideas, but this is, essentially, a one-man movie for the most part.

Palmer also wrote the movie, which is directed by Christian James (the two men having worked together on a variety of movies since their feature debut, Freak Out - a flawed, but enjoyable, horror comedy). Unfortunately, I can't say that this movie shows any major improvement in their skills, other than some ingenuity in being able to take the slight premise and stretch it out for just over 80 minutes.

The acting is okay, if I'm being nice, but bear in mind that I AM being nice. The various zombie effects are pretty poor, but one or two gore gags provide some amusement, and the attempts to create some interesting backgrounds to the main characters are appreciated, if not entirely successful.

Basically, Stalled is a film with some good intentions, but not-so-good execution. It starts to stretch credibility within the first 10-15 minutes and then has nowhere else to go, leaving the film as inert and ultimately useless as W.C.

It's not as funny as it thinks it is, it's not as enjoyably gory as it could be, and it's not deserving of some of the praise that I've seen heaped upon it this year, in my opinion. It's a one-joke film, with that joke being almost enjoyable enough to make it worth a watch.

5/10

Stalled is currently streaming on US Netflix and also available to pre-order from Amazon at this link - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stalled-Blu-ray-Dan-Palmer/dp/B00GY4N1FM/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1387577223&sr=8-2&keywords=stalled

Crazy For Christmas (2005)

I guess it happens occasionally. Despite my optimism, I end up watching a lot of BAD TV movies every December. Some of them have good intentions, some of them don't (or, if they do, it's hard to figure them out). Crazy For Christmas is one of the rare good ones. I'll even admit to having a lump in my throat during the final few minutes, although that may be as much to do with me getting more emotional in my old age than any skilled film-making.

It's Christmas Eve and lone parent, and chauffeur, Shannon (Andrea Roth) is offered a driving job that may be inconvenient while she tries to prepare for the big day with her son (Jason Spevack), but it will pay well. She is asked to drive around Fred Nickells (Howard Hesseman), a rich, eccentric man who seems determined to give away lots and lots of money in attempt to spread some Christmas cheer. As the day unfolds, it soon becomes clear to Shannon that she wasn't just randomly picked for the job, but that doesn't help her to figure out just what Mr. Nickells is up to.

The script, by Michael A. Simpson and Rick Bitzelberger, many not seem up to much, but for a Christmas TV movie this is solid, enjoyable and intriguing, stuff. There are many moments that don't quite work, but that's usually more to do with the varied levels of the acting on display than the quality of the script. Believability is stretched to breaking point within the first 15-20 minutes, but this is a Christmas movie, so that's not surprising.

Roth is fine in the lead role, and Hesseman is also very good, with the both of them working well as they spark off one another. Daniel Fathers plays the one man who knows the most about Mr. Nickells, and remains very loyal to him, and Yannick Bisson is likable as Peter, a news reporter who gets wind of the story and is tasked with making it into a main headline.

Director Eleanor Lindo deserves some credit too, of course, as she takes the cast and the script and does just enough to keep this all a step or two above the usual level of quality seen in such Christmas fare. It's a film that I'd watch again, and I tentatively encourage people to check it out during the holidays.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Crazy-For-Christmas-Andrea-Roth/dp/B00GX5ZJM0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1387481868&sr=8-2&keywords=crazy+for+christmas

Santa Claus Versus The Zombies (2010)

Written and directed by George Bonilla, who obviously managed to raise a budget of about $500, Santa Claus Versus The Zombies is awful. It's the kind of film that makes me hate the fact that I have to make an effort to describe the plot and name some of the people involved while writing up a full review.

Or I could just tell you that this film stars a bunch of amateurs with little to no talent (sorry to tar everyone with the same brush but nobody here is going to be shortlisted for any major awards in the next few years), including Billy W. Blackwell as a Santa Claus, Cassidy Rae Owens, Alex Del Monacco and Claude Miles, and the plot is summed up in the title.

The movie alternates between scenes set in a besieged home and scenes set in a abandoned factory/warehouse military bunker/command centre. The people who are under attack from zombies in their home are hard to care about, while the military personnel bickering about the best way forward are even harder to care about, which leaves viewers with a movie that gives you nothing to be invested in.

There may well be some people who think I'm being too harsh. I support independent cinema, and I think it's important to keep taking chances with my many viewing choices, but just because a film is independently made by someone who has, fair play to them, managed to scrape together enough money for a budget, and a bunch of actors willing to work for either very cheap or completely free, doesn't make it something that I will be kind too, JUST because it got made. It's always better to be honest, however harsh that may seem.

This isn't the first feature from Bonilla, who actually has about ten movies listed on IMDb (with one being an anthology that he contributed to), so it's not even a case of someone making numerous mistakes as part of a steep learning curve. No. It seems that the man thinks that this sub-standard fare is actually acceptable to people who will watch anything. People like me.

It's not acceptable, and it's not enjoyable. Avoid it at all costs.

2/10

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Abominable Christmas (2012)

Despite the fact that I've given this Christmas animation a low score, I can honestly say that I still think I've been quite generous. I can also honestly say that the few other comments I've seen on the film are even more generous. This piece of rubbish currently has a rating of 6/10 on IMDb, for goodness sake. People seem to forgive a lot when something is aimed at kids, but that's no excuse for the minimal effort put on display here.

The story revolved around two little snow creatures, Abby (Ariel Winter) and Adam (Nolan Gould). They are warned by their father, listed as Abominable Dad (Ray Liotta) to avoid humans, and to especially avoid being spotted by a scientist named Margaret Knowhow (Jane Lynch), so they play around for a while and end up being spotted, dashing off to hide in the house of Mr. Winterbottom (Emilio Estevez) and his son (Drake Bell) and daughter (Isabella Acres). Abominable Dad searches for his kids, while also trying to avoid the attention of a local dog catcher (Matthew Lillard).

The best thing I can say about Abominable Christmas is that it's brief. It runs for just over 40 minutes, which makes it slightly easier to bear. Being aimed at very young viewers, it has nothing complicated in the mix. In fact, most of the little lessons throughout the script, written by Michael and Samantha Shear, are just fine for little ones to learn.

The cast all do okay, but they're not exactly stretched in any of the roles.

Director Chad Van De Keere does the least amount possible, providing viewers with visuals that I can honestly say look worse than the Monsters, Inc. game that I used to play on the Playstation One. It makes for a frustrating experience. Yes, children may be more easily entertained, and may actually prefer the simpler designs, but I suspect that a fair few of them will be just as disappointed as any adults having to watch the thing.

It's unfair to expect Pixar levels of quality from every animated movie, but it's also unfair to fob viewers off with something that looks like it could have been made on a Commodore 64.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Abominable-Christmas-Emilio-Estevez/dp/B00CSW0706/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1387282530&sr=8-1&keywords=abominable+christmas

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker (1991)

It's crap.

There. End of the review. I'm done with this series, at last.

You want more? Some elaboration? Well, only if you promise not to burst out laughing while I describe the basic premise. Alright, you don't have to promise, but just try your best.

Young Derek (William Thorne) stops speaking right after he sees his mother's boyfriend killed by a Christmas toy that was delivered to their house. His mother (Jane Higginson) obviously wants her boy to get all better. Not realising that the death was caused by a toy, she takes him to the local toymaker (Joe Petto, played by Mickey Rooney . . . . . . . . . . Joe Petto . . . . . . . get it?) and tries to buy him a small piece of well-balanced mental health. That doesn't work as well as she'd hoped. Meanwhile, more people are killed by toys, but in such a way that the cause of death usually remains a mystery or is deemed an accident.

Using a movie clip from the previous movie to tenuously link it into the franchise (and there's also a fleeting appearance from Neith Hunter, playing Kim once again), this is a standalone Christmas horror movie that had the potential to be a lot of fun. Imagine the possibilities for nastiness in a story that involves someone deliberately creating killer toys? A yuletide Silver Shamrock. Unfortunately, the potential is never realised, thanks to a pervading sense of laziness, a lack of any decent gore (apart from one moment that features some eyeball trauma), and a move to focus, instead, on another main plot element that is so silly that it completely undoes the third act.

The acting is competent, I guess, from most people onscreen, although Rooney really goes over the top at every opportunity, and he's matched by the actor playing his son (Brian Bremer). Brian Yuzna and Martin Kitrosser wrote the script, with the latter also directing the silliness, and Screaming Mad George is on hand to provide some special effects, which is a great shame as his talents are just as wasted as the initial premise.

Like many other horror franchises, this is one that didn't have any reason to exist. It limped along after the first movie, and we can all just hope that this fifth movie remains the last of the sequels.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Silent-Deadly-Better-Initiation-Toymaker/dp/B002P8LKCM/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1386860173&sr=8-2&keywords=silent+night+deadly+night