Shudder Saturday: Anything For Jackson (2020)

Sometimes when I think about my movie reviews in terms of all of the different specifics I want to discuss, sometimes I have a general feeling that I want to convey, and sometimes I spend a lot of time simply figuring out where I land with my final rating, and retro-actively working out why I came to that result. Anything For Jackson is a film that I rate 9/10, because the more I thought about it, the less I could find to criticise.

Audrey (Sheila McCarthy) and Henry Walsh (Julian Richings) are a pair of grandparents who are still mourning the loss of their grandson, Jackson. They've also been investigating rituals that may allow him to come back, which is how they end up with the pregnant Shannon (Konstantina Mantelos) held captive in their home. They want to use her unborn child as a vessel for the spirit of their grandson, bringing him back from the world of the dead, but they don't realise that creating such a vessel ends up bringing forth more than just the invited spirit. Lots of souls see their chance to get back into our world.

Director Justin G. Dyck has a filmography that doesn't really make you think he would be a natural when it comes to delivering effective horror. It's full of TV movies, mostly Christmas TV movies (which everyone knows are my favourite kind of TV movies). Sadly, the last thing I reviewed from him was, I believe, 48 Christmas Wishes (a film that has him as a co-director).  Writer Keith Cooper has a similar filmography, and the two have worked together often over the past few years. It just goes to remind you not to judge anyone by their last movie, even though we continue to judge people based simply on their last movie.

Showing a real knack for creating startling imagery and genuinely unnerving moments, without feeling like people who have taken all their notes from the movies that make up "the Waniverse", Dyck and Cooper deliver something impressively intense and nerve-shredding. Although it's not laced with humour, there is something inherently darkly comedic about this plan being hatched, and executed, by a couple of kindly-looking elderly people, and that's enough to save things from being unrelentingly bleak throughout.

McCarthy and Richings are absolutely wonderful in their roles, sweet and sad, and yet staying firm in their resolve to see through their nefarious plan, even when things start to unravel and take some unexpected turns. Mantelos has to look trapped and scared, and she does so. Josh Cruddas has a unique presence, playing the character who knows more about the ancient ritual being conducted than either of the parties who actually started the ball rolling, and Lanette Ware is a detective looking for the missing Shannon. A few other people have some impressive moments, including Yannick Bisson (a handyman who offers to keep clearing snow from the driveway), Marianne Sawchuck (a "flossing ghost"), and Troy James (absolutely terrifying as a spirit credited as "Suffocating Ghost").

Set within a reality that feels grounded, and with believable character motivation, Anything For Jackson is a wild ride, a ghost train that becomes more and more intense as viewers are dragged through a brilliant third act, and I can think of very little wrong with it. It's almost perfect, hence the high rating I settled on before I started detailing my thoughts.

9/10

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Five Star Christmas (2020)

It's always a difficult Christmas when you head home for the holidays and find that your father has decided to turn your family home into a small b & b, without thinking about things like staff, supplies, or anything else a b & b owner may consider when formulating a business plan. Okay, it may not happen often, or at all, but it happens here in this Christmas TV movie.

Bethany Joy Lenz plays Lucy Ralston, someone as shocked as her sister (Amber, played by Grace Beedie), her brother (Will, played by Blair Penner) and his partner (Suzanne, played by Barbara Patrick), and even grandpa (Walter, played by Jay Brazeau). Robert Wisden is the father, Ted, who has had this bright idea. And there's an anonymous travel writer in the area, a woman who writes reviews that can make or break a small business. When Beth Thompson (Laura Soltis) arrives, stopping there due to a flat tyre, everyone believes her to be that writer, and so begins a comedy that has most of the family members pretending to be staff members, or other guests, as they try to get the best review possible for their father. Oh, and there's also another unexpected guest in the shape of the handsome and lovely Jake Finlay (Victor Webster).

Okay, hear me out here. I am happy to admit that I often give Christmas TV movies more leeway than most. I know the checklist, and I am happy to see the formula adhered to in a way that is cosy and comforting. Five Star Christmas is an anomaly, however, in that it hits all of the expected beats while also being a genuinely enjoyable movie. You're still not going to absolutely love it, especially if you're expecting something on par with a cinematic feature, but the comedy really works, especially in the scenes involving Will and Suzanne, who decide to promote themselves as windswept globe-trotters. Their first scenes, revelling in the chance to embody their new personas, are a lot of fun. Beyond that, you get a lot of moments in which wrong names are uttered, people are made to hide away from others who may recognise them, and the b & b is shown to treat the guests and staff just like family. Because most of them ARE family.

Director Christie Will Wolf is, as so often the case with people who helm these TV movies, a fairly experienced hand. She knows what shots are required, and she gets them all done. You have the snow-tinged glow throughout, and that particularly paradoxical warming cold that infuses the best of these films. Writer Alfonso H. Moreno has a lot of TV episodes to his credit, but he does a really good job here, making the whole situation far less cringe-inducing than it could have been. The third act needs to tie up the plot strands, and you get some romance (of course), but it feels earned after the fun of the first hour.

Lenz is easy to like in the lead role, striking a great balance between level-headed organiser and someone with a major emotional investment in the outcome, and Webster is a decent, safe, male. Wisden and Soltis have some nice scenes together, and I think you should already know how much I enjoyed the performances from Penner and Patrick. Beedie brings a nice energy, the younger sister not really sure of what she wants to do with her life, but gradually finding out more about herself in the midst of the madness, and Brazeau and Paula Shaw are both great fun (the latter playing a grandma who embraces her new role with gusto).

Whenever I review these Christmas movies, I always remind people that they are being reviewed AS Christmas movies. That still applies here. But I still think this is also, at times, something that stands out from the crowd by being more enjoyable than most, in a way that isn't just checking all of the festive film boxes.

6/10

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Black Christmas (2019)

So here's the thing, Black Christmas is a bad movie. It just is. Sorry for those about to rush to defend it, I am about to quantify my judgement very shortly.

The third incarnation, I believe, of this horror tale of a group of sorority sisters being stalked by a mad killer, Black Christmas both stands and falls due to the way the material has been turned into something different from both of the previous movies bearing the same name.

Imogen Poots plays Riley, a young woman attending a college that seems to be gaining a bit of a reputation for sexism and misogyny. There's even a petition to protest the teaching tools of one Professor Gelson (played by Cary Elwes). There are other characters, and other plot elements, but the only one worth bothering about is Riley, and viewers learn that she survived an assault in her recent past by a boy who went on to continue living his life without a care in the world.

Directed by Sophia Takal, who also co-wrote the thing with April Wolfe, this version of Black Christmas is a film designed to display the everyday battles that women have to be involved in, just to have their views acknowledged, to maintain/gain their rights, and to stay safe. It's a horror film reflecting the "me too" movement, and one that also ensures you remember how pathetic it is to have to state "not all men". There are moments when that works well, it's not subtle about it, but it's also depressingly not unbelievable. Then the third act happens, and everything goes horribly wrong. The explanation of events is absolutely terrible, like something written by a child who didn't know how to end their story, and the more straightforward horror sequences completely lack tension or thrills.

This would have been much better if it hadn't been marketed as a Black Christmas movie. Make it a socially-conscious horror movie. Better yet, remove the traditional horror element, and show how life as a female college student can still be a complete horror movie. Any attempts to incorporate familiar elements are completely mishandled, and just fall flat. You don't get terrifying phone calls, you get text messages from anonymous numbers. You don't get impressive kill scenes, you get what feels like a number of sanitised, bloodless, ones.

Poots is good in the lead role, and is at the centre of all of the best scenes (while the makers understand what they're doing), but even she can't do enough to improve the awful mess that drags everything down as the plot unfolds. Aleyse Shannon, Lily Donoghue, and Brittany O'Grady are a number of the sisters, with none of them really standing out (certainly not for the right reasons), and Caleb Eberhardt is a good guy proving that there are one or two around, and they don't stand up to shout "not all men". Elwes is given a role that feels right for him, so that works, but nobody else is worth mentioning.

Although made with a degree of technical competence, and although I have mentioned the good points that are made, particularly in the first half, Black Christmas still ends up being one of the worst mainstream horror movies of the past year or two. It's a step down from Takal's previous effort, Always Shine, and I hope she does something next that can help us forget this one. It's so inept that it made me think fondly of the Glen Morgan remake, and that's saying something.

3/10

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Prime Time: The Nights Before Christmas (2019)

I'll admit to becoming wary when I started watching The Nights Before Christmas. First of all, it seems to be one of those movies that features a lot of UK actors passing themselves off as American (although most of them do a good job, and there are a number of American actors also in the cast). Second, it's kind of a sequel to Once Upon A Time At Christmas, a film I have not seen. Thankfully, you can get up to speed easily enough, connecting the dots as one main character (Courtney, played here by Keegan Chambers) discusses the trauma of surviving a Santa-led killing spree.

The plot is enjoyably slight. A couple who view themselves as Santa (Simon Phillips) and Mrs. Claus (Sayla de Goede) escaped from a secure facility four years ago and are now killing off people they deem to be on the "naughty list". The FBI keeps being unable to catch them, despite the efforts of Agent Natalie Parker (Kate Schroder), Courtney suspects she will be a target again, and there's a young woman called Jennifer (Shannon Cotter) who should start worrying, because she is actually the daughter of Santa.

It seems that actor Simon Phillips has settled nicely into his role here, having been a guiding hand in the development of this character, and these films (it looks like there's at least one more on the way, according to IMDb). Fair play to him, he certainly has fun in the lead role, and delivers a decent helping of gore and nastiness alongside the complete lack of believability. This isn't a film to overthink and pick apart. It's one to sit back and just be amused by.

Director Paul Tanter does a decent job in the big chair. Everything looks good enough, and the audio quality (often a problem in these lower-budget horrors) is consistently well done, making the final product something that stands as a great example of how to use every dollar wisely. The practical effects are generally quite impressive, and even the score isn't too bad.

Few people are as good as Phillips when it comes to having a presence onscreen, but De Goede matches him. Her Mrs. Claus is quite the Harley Quinn-esque character (a touchstone so obvious that you will see it mentioned in every review ever written about this film), and she is a very worthy Bonnie to Phillips' Clyde. If Bonnie and Clyde had worn "Santa suits" and aimed for more grisly kills. Chambers and Cotter are both okay, and Schroder tries her best, but is hampered by the fact that her character is as ineffective as many other characters in the movie, when it comes to actually getting close to catching the killers in time.

Nothing to prioritise high on your viewing list, this is nevertheless a fun Christmas horror for those who enjoy such things. It's certainly preferable to many other attempts to wring money from Christmas horror fans that I have seen lately (reminder - avoid most movies with the word Krampus in the title, except for Krampus).

6/10

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Noelle (2019)

Although it's nowhere close to being a modern holiday classic, Noelle is a lovely Christmas Disney film for all the family, and one that you may find yourself rewatching more than the multitude of annual new releases that appear on your TV schedule. It's got a number of familiar faces, for one thing, and it also has a supercute baby reindeer.

Anna Kendrick and Bill Hader are Noelle ad Nick Kringle, respectively. They are the children of Santa, who is shown at the very start of the movie before viewers are then informed of his passing. That means that the role, and responsibility, goes to Nick. He's not sure he's up to the task though, and nothing seems to come naturally to him, from understanding languages to figuring out whether a child is naughty or nice. Which leads to him, well, running away. Days before Christmas. Noelle, accompanied by an elf named Polly (Shirley MacLaine),  must track him down. She enlists the help of a detective (Jake Hapman, played by Kingsley Ben-Adir), someone who is coincidentally in need of some Christmas spirit, even if he doesn't realise it, and races against the clock to get her brother home in time to save Christmas for children everywhere.

This has everything you'd expect from it, all mixed together in a way that is as entertaining as it is predictable (there are very few Christmas movies that aren't completely predictable, that's a part of their charm at this time of year). Kendrick is a natural fit for her role, and Hader is a lot of fun as he is shown numerous times struggling to get to grips with being Santa. MacLaine seems to enjoy being an elf, Julie Hagerty is Mrs. Claus aka Mom, and Billy Eichner has fun as Gabriel Kringle, someone who has ideas about making Christmas more efficient that clashes with the spirit of the season. Ben-Adir is just fine as the understandably sceptic detective, Maceo Smedley does decent work as his son, and there are small, enjoyable, turns from Diana Maria Riva, Shaylee Mansfield, and Michael Gross, among others.

Written and directed by Marc Lawrence, a dab hand at making enjoyable comedies (especially if they star Hugh Grant and/or Sandra Bullock), the biggest disappointment about Noelle is the lack of magic. It's there onscreen, in the form of the many skills you get to assume the role of Santa, but it rarely feels as it should. Magical Christmas movies should feel as if a number of scenes are filmed through a haze of tinsel and twinkling lights, or even just taking place inside a snowglobe sometimes, but this never feels that way. Not even during the sleigh ride sequences. 

There's plenty of fun to be had though, especially as Noelle discovers more about our world, and the cast are all doing their bit to sell the characters and world on display. There are one or two decent running gags, decent production values, and at least one huge hot chocolate to remind you that you need to make yourself one while sitting down and enjoying the rest of the movie. And it also has a SUPERCUTE reindeer.

6/10

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Mubi Monday: Images (1972)

A strange psychological horror movie from Robert Altman, Images is a film that deserves to sit alongside the likes of Repulsion and Persona. It's well worth your time, and very much open to a number of different interpretations.

York plays Cathryn, a children's author who has suspicions about the behaviour of her husband (Hugh, played by René Auberjonois). The two of them head off for a little holiday to an isolated cottage in the countryside, but the isolation seems to cause Cathryn's mental health deteriorate further, as she starts to see people who may or may not really be there. The main figures who appear are Marcel (Hugh Millais), an ex-lover, and his young daughter, Susannah (Cathryn Harrison). As well as meeting, or not meeting, these figures, Cathryn ends up getting rid of them in a variety of ways, that also may or may not be real.

As Cathryn struggles to grip reality as tight as she needs to, and as characters transform into other characters, or change their personalities and intentions, Images quickly becomes a disorientating and difficult watch, for all the right reasons. It is, to me, one of the best cinematic portrayals of schizophrenia that I have seen (and would make a great double-bill with the excellent Patrick’s Day).

York is very strong in the lead role, a woman constantly frayed at the edges without falling into overcooked histrionics. Working in collaboration with Altman, everyone finds just the right approach to the material, with Auberjonois, Millais, and Harrison acting in a way that often stays oblivious to how tense York is. People often react in ways contrary to what you would expect, but that is all down to the fact that what is being shown isn’t always what is actually happening.

Altman may seem as if he is just piecing together various fragments, but things build to a definite climax, with Cathryn due to get better or worse as she battles against the visions causing her so much confusion. The ending is as impressive and powerful as it is ambiguous, given the “unreliable narrator”, and it is as the end credits roll that viewers can consider the full horror of what has just unfolded.

Some may view this as a masterpiece, and I wouldn’t argue too forcefully in opposition of that view, but I didn’t think of it as being at quite that level. I may, however, change my mind during any future viewings. And I certainly aim to rewatch it.

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: Kindred Spirits (2019)

There are a number of elements within Kindred Spirits that seem a bit strange, but not really in a bad way. First, Thora Birch is now cast as a mother character. Second, director Lucky McKee and writer Chris Sivertson have fully committed to something that feels like it could have easily been released in the late '80s to mid-'90s amongst the likes of Poison Ivy, Single White Female, and numerous other movies focusing on someone who is an entertainingly demented psychopath.

Birch plays Chloe, mother to Nichole (Sasha Frolova). Their relationship isn't exactly all sunshine and roses, but that may improve when Chloe's sister, Sadie (Caitlin Stasey), appears on the scene. Sadie wants a chance to regroup and maybe restart her life. And she ends up being more like a sister to Nichole than an aunt. Meanwhile, Chloe is also trying to keep her relationship with Alex (Macon Blair) a secret. And not just because Alex is the father of Nichole's best friend, Shay (Shonagh Smith). Tension is simmering away, and it eventually rises right up to the surface again, leading to some startling revelations and a number of deaths.

As long as you know the type of film you're getting then there's very little chance that Kindred Spirits should disappoint you. And if you don't know what you're getting into before the movie starts, fear not, McKee and Sivertson do a great job of setting everything up to ease viewers along a path that soon becomes a slippery slope towards unbridled insanity.

All of the cast play it straight, and fill their roles well. Birch may still look too young to be a mother, even if she is the right age nowadays, but her attempts to deal with her daughter will ring true with any parent who has gone through some difficult times. Frolova, for her part, manages to be an unhappy teen without ever becoming too annoying. Stasey is a lot of fun in her role, even when the plot starts to twist and change, and Blair is a very nice everyman, a sweet potential partner for Birch, despite her trying to keep some distance between them. Smith and Isai Torres also do good work, with the latter playing Nichole's boyfriend, Derek, and having to take part in what I would happily call the silliest scenes in the movie.

Although I am not going to rate this as anything unmissable, I'm taking pains to emphasise just how good it is for what it is aiming to do. More than that, it does everything in a way that is admirably free of the need to be coy, or wink at viewers in a self-aware display of "yes, this is trashy nonsense, everyone can roll their eyes and smile while they enjoy it ironically" deflection. Sivertson and McKee know what they're doing, no doubt about that, and they also know that this material wouldn't work as well if it was given the kind of meta layering that so many horror movies now think they have to contain.

If you want some self-aware horror then pick from the hundreds around. If you want an entertaining thriller played completely straight, and with a real crescendo in the third act, then this is for you. 

7/10

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Shudder Saturday: Porno (2020)

It's not surprising to find that Keola Racela, the director of Porno, and Matt Black and Laurence Vannicelli, the writers, don't have too many other works to their names on IMDb. This is a film made with more enthusiasm than pure talent, and I don't mean that to sound as insulting as it does.

It's all about a group of cinema employees who find a hidden room in their place of employment, and that hidden room contains an old porno movie. Screening the movie, they soon find that an entity has been unleashed from it, a succubus that wants to get them all in a state of heightened sexual arousal, allowing it to kill and feed.

It's hard to pin down just how this manages to so often avoid the sense of fun it is aiming for, but a large part of its failure lies with the inability to commit to any one approach to the material. The early scenes have some movie discussions (the employees are going to enjoy their own screening in the cinema once the public have gone, and are debating between Encino Man and A League Of Their Own), but the rest of the movie drops any attempt to use the cinema setting for more nods and references, making those moments feel like some easy point-scoring. You get the Christian ethos of the group, the employer (Mr. Pike, played by Bill Phillips) viewing his workers more like members of a congregation than staff. That does play into the plot more, but is also never explored as fully as it should be. And you get the main characters themselves, given footnotes of a backstory that simply never adds enough to the proceedings.

It also doesn't help that the cast, while not terrible, aren't the best at pitching their performances in line with the material. Mind you, considering what I have just said in the preceding paragraph, I'm inclined to think that it is hardly their fault if they're unable to find the most suitable style to match the changeable tone. I liked Jillian Mueller in the role of Chaz, the main female employee, and Katelyn Pearce made a believable succubus, but nobody else really stood out, or stood out for the wrong reasons.

Racela directs with a lack of flair, the one high point being some clips of the movie within the movie (it's enjoyably odd and dark), and the script only livens up during moments of genital-related gore. The standout scene involves some trauma that will make most male viewers squirm, and maybe even look away, but it's a shame that the rest of the film doesn't come anywhere close to that, in the mix of bloodshed, unease, and amusement.

Perhaps one that you will enjoy more in the right company, and with the right amount of alcohol in you, Porno was a disappointment for me, and I had been looking forward to seeing it for some time. 

5/10

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Mansquito AKA Mosquito Man - A New Breed Of Predator (2005)

It's a familiar premise to sci-fi horror fans. A dangerous killer is given a chance to reduce his prison/death sentence by taking part in a science experiment. Going along with things, the killer seizes an opportunity to escape, getting hold of a gun and causing havoc in a laboratory before crashing into an environment that contains a number of insects that were also a part of the scientific process. Some DNA alteration occurs, and the killer becomes a giant killer insect (a large mosquito, in this instance, hence the name). There's a determined cop after him (Lt. Thomas Randall, played by Corin Nemec) and a doctor who also seems to have suffered from the incident (Dr. Jennifer Allen, also the partner of the cop, and played by Musetta Vander). And there are a number of bodies that are starting to show up with a large amount of blood lost.

A creature feature made for TV, Mansquito (the better, original, title) is a really good example of this type of thing. It is, in fact, one of the best of these movies that I can think of, despite still suffering from that feeling of things being slightly padded-out in the second half. But the good stuff more than makes up for the weaker moments.

The screenplay is by Michael Hurst, working to a formula that has been successful on many different occasions (and also bringing some Cronenbergian body horror to the mix . . . I am pretty sure you HAVE to put those words together - Cronenbergian and body horror - it's some kind of rule), and the direction is from Tibor Takács, a man with a filmography made up of some interesting late '80s movies (and one late '70s debut), a bunch of creature features, and a growing amount of Christmas TV movies. He is, from my limited knowledge of his work, a fairly safe pair of hands, and he certainly shows here that he can make the most of some relatively limited resources.

Nemec isn't too bad in the "hero" role, personally invested in the whole situation because, of course, he helped catch the killer originally, and he also wants to keep his girlfriend safe. As the scientist who finds herself affected by the violent escapade, Vander is very good. She has a striking beauty that makes her stand out in every role, and she plays things well as her character starts to realise the full extent of the situation. Matt Jordon (billed as Mathew Jordan) isn't onscreen for long in his natural guise, but does just fine with what he's given, and you get Patrick Dreikauss and Jay Benedict as Detective Charlie Morrison and Dr. Aaron Michaels, respectively. The former is partnered up with Nemec's character, the latter is the boss of Vander's character, and doesn't take things too well when his potential experiment is ruined. Christa Campbell also gets her name quite high on the cast list, but she only has about a minute of screentime.

The real star, however, is the practical effects on display. Mansquito is a genuinely impressive creation. If you watch the beginning of the film and think the transformation is going to be a slow and steady one then think again. It only takes about 15 minutes or so for the full creature to appear, and it's glorious. A fascinating, ugly, horrifying, deadly creature out for blood. And if they ever want someone to consult on a belated, Scotland-set, sequel entitled "Midge Man" then I am all over it.

The title alone may be enough to put many off, and outlandish creature features are not for everyone, but if you enjoy solid sci-fi horror movies then you'll find plenty to like here. Especially in that better-paced first half. I would happily rewatch this. 

7/10

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Concrete Plans (2020)

Although it brings nothing very original to the table, Concrete Plans is an enjoyable thriller that puts people into a bad situation and slowly makes things worse and worse until it is time for the end credits to roll. The script isn't bad, and the cast all help to lift it slightly.

A group of workmen are hired to renovate an old farmhouse, not knowing that the posh owner who hired them (Simon, played by Kevin Guthrie) is having some major financial issues. He keeps doing all he can to delay making any payments, which is no good for the foreman/boss, Bob (Steve Speirs), and leads to him being badgered about it by his increasingly-wary workers. The group is made up of Dave (William Thomas), the old hand, bratty young Steve (Charley Palmer Rothwell), Jim (Chris Reilly), and hard-working Viktor (Goran Bogdan). As storm clouds start to gather, it soon becomes clear that at least one of the men will push things further and further to ensure they get the money due to them.

Trying to balance everything out, and not with complete success, Concrete Plans has a group of central characters it is often hard to like, making it potentially more satisfying when everything starts to go wrong. Viktor seems like a nice guy, Bob too, and Dave has been in the game long enough to know that causing a fuss might lead to you not being picked for future jobs (although paying someone for their work is a pretty basic civility). Steve is a twat, there's no better word for him (okay, maybe brat, but a brat is just a twat with added childishness and energy), and Jim has, we discover, lied his way on to the job. Then there's Simon, the worst kind of toff, someone who feels entitled to shout at others, and try to boss them around, even when he's not actually in any position to be giving orders.

Writer-director Will Jewell, making his feature debut (I'm not counting This Time Next Year, a 2011 film that only runs to an hour), handles everything well enough, and puts all of the pieces in place nicely for a third act that delivers some nastiness and a number of twists and turns. It's a shame that the execution of the material leaves it slightly lacking the full impact it should have (Jewell dilutes the strength of things by having one or two moments happen offscreen, or he presents them in a way that allows you an extra moment to see things one step ahead of the characters), but the overall end result is still good enough to make this worth your time.

I mentioned that the cast all help to lift the material, and that is true, although some are more restricted than others. Some of the less likeable characters are made even worse to make the third act more tense and satisfying, which leaves both Guthrie and Rothwell stuck in their respective “horrible shit” pigeonholes. Reilly is riveting though, and all of the relatively good characters are excellent, even with the moral ambiguity (to put it diplomatically). There are also good turns from Amber Rose Evah (as Amy, Simon’s girlfriend) and James Lance (Richard, a slippery financial advisor).

Probably not a film destined to be remembered as a classic, or one you will turn to for numerous rewatches, this at least provides an enjoyably tense distraction for about ninety minutes, and at least shows Jewell as a writer-director who takes good care of his material when getting it from script to screen.

7/10

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Tales From The Lodge (2019)

The general idea of Tales From The Lodge is a good one. It’s a comedy horror anthology that makes the framing device just as enjoyable as any of the main tales, and also has a lot of fun with the horror genre tropes. Mind you, it is another movie co-starting Johnny Vegas and Mackenzie Crook. The last time I recall seeing them onscreen together was in Sex Lives Of The Potato Men. I’ve not been brave enough to revisit that, but the scar is still on my psyche. 

A group of friends gather to scatter the ashes one of their number, Jones, who committed suicide in a lake very close to the titular lodge. There’s Martha (Laura Fraser) and Joe (Crook), a couple battling on as Joe waits for a new heart. There’s Emma (Sophie Thompson) and Russell (Vegas), a couple happy to get away from their kids for a while. Last, but by no means least, is Paul (Dustin Demri-Burns), a womaniser who has unwisely decided to bring along his latest girlfriend, Mickey (Kelly Wenham). Things soon get a bit tense and emotional, and everyone has a turn of telling a dark and twisted tale.

Written and directed by Abigail Blackmore, making her feature debut, Tales From The Lodge is a strange beast. It is sometimes fun, sometimes quirky and entertaining, but always never too far away from one sour note to undo any good work. As a sweetener for the cast, I’m sure, each participant gets to direct their own tale, but nobody brings any unique voice to the proceedings. That isn’t necessarily bad, in a way, as it allows the film to flow as one piece made up of the interconnecting parts, but it also feels like a bit of a missed opportunity. 

The cast all do well enough in their roles, although some fare better than others at the hands of the script. Fraser comes off the worst, a pretty unrelentingly horrible and moody person (for a reason, but it doesn’t make her any easier to enjoy while onscreen), but Wenham and Demri-Burns are also required to twist themselves in some knots to sell their stories, which becomes even more difficult to buy into during the climax of the proceedings.

And that climax. To say it is problematic is putting it mildly. The more I think about it, and having been more aware than ever before of certain issues that the ending here brings to mind, the more horribly misjudged, at best, and ignorant it seems. It’s undoubtedly one of the worst I can think of in recent years, although there’s also a part of me thinking it may well be playing into some of the ridiculously wild endings of some of the schlocky horrors of yesteryear. If the rest of the film had been in the spirit of a throwback slasher then that would be easier to accept. As it stands, not so much.

Ending aside, although I know many who will not be able to see past that (and rightly so), this is a film that keeps skirting close to being good, without ever fully reaching that standard. Blackmore needs to learn some lessons from this, and hopefully do better next time.

5/10

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What Happens Next Will Scare You (2020)

It seems like only the other day that everyone was going crazy for the WNUF Halloween Special, an authentic-looking presentation of a fictional show recorded in the late 1980s that presented some spooky supernatural events. I thought it was okay, slightly undone by the sheer number of fake ads (all very well done, mind you) and without a payoff that was as satisfying as it could be. I'm in the minority though.

I think less people will love this effort, another excuse for director Chris LaMartina to show his knack for getting things pretty spot on when it comes to recreating a particular style, but What Happens Next Will Scare You at least deserves some goodwill for trying to provide horror fans with some pure and simple fun.

The main premise concerns a bunch of people who work for a click-bait website being asked to stay late by the boss and pitch their latest suggestions for an article about the scariest online videos. This allows them to show clips, giving us an anthology movie that tries to be equal parts comedy and horror.

The stories shown cover a wide variety of topics, from a sasquatch to a lake monster, from a demonic toy (a wonderfully cheeky riff on Annabelle) to a vlogger who ends up regretting her bullying ways. And there's a cursed vinyl record played in one recording that seems to start affecting the group itself.

Co-written by Jimmy George and LaMartina, What Happens Next Will Scare You works best when it edges away from the comedy. The framing format is amusing, and I hope many people hate click-bait as much as I do (does anyone actually enjoy it?), but the three best tales focus more on the details and creepiness than any comedy. One involves a clown, one involves a 911 call, and one involves that aforementioned toy. Having said that, one of the weakest, surprisingly, looks at exorcism rites.

The cast are all just fine. Kalima Young is the boss, June, keeping everyone back and demanding that they earn their positions in the company, and Melissa LaMartina, Rachel D. Wilson, Kathy Carson, Troy Jennings, and Johnny Marra make up the core characters, all bringing their own particular approach to the exercise. Nobody really stands out, but all do well. The standout is actually a voice-only role, Nolen Strals as the voice of George O'Bannon, the man who makes a very memorable 911 call.

It would be easy to criticise the varied quality of the FX on display here, and equally easy to criticise the sillier moments (the lake monster is quite bad, and a moment with a VHS tape is partly awful and partly amusing), but What Happens Next Will Scare You simply aims to entertain for a little while, and it mostly succeeds. Unlike a number of other modern horror anthologies, this has a nice and strong connective tissue throughout, and I wouldn't mind another go at the format from LaMartina and co.

6/10

P.S. It was a real treat to watch this for free over at the Shocktail Hour With Aurora Gorealis on Facebook, and I really appreciate the film-makers providing us with a little treat in these monotonous lockdown times.

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Mubi Monday: The Kindergarten Teacher (2018)

The second feature from writer-director Sara Colangelo, a remake of a 2014 movie, The Kindergarten Teacher is all about, funnily enough, a kindergarten teacher (Lisa, played by Maggie Gyllenhaal) who becomes quite obsessed with a young boy, Jimmy Roy (Parker Sevak), who seems to have a knack for poetry. Lisa wants Jimmy Roy to have the freedom to reach his full potential, which starts her on a path that leads to selfishness, awkwardness, and damaged relationships.

Although specifically about the journey of Lisa, both using Jimmy Roy and also trying her best to get him to develop his talent, The Kindergarten Teacher is more generally about the frustration of a soul wanting a life in pursuit of art and culture, and wanting to encourage others to do the same. Lisa initially seems very sweet and supportive, but it quickly becomes clear that her approach is guided by her own agenda, as opposed to what Jimmy Roy may want for his own life.

Colangelo, her screenplay based on that from Nadav Lapid, plays things just right, creeping in close when Lisa starts to focus more on Jimmy Roy, staying there for some quieter conversations that are designed not to be heard by the other children, and then pulling back slightly to show the two of them together, often highlighting just how much one child is being separated from a larger group that may keep him in a more suitable environment, allowing him to simply be a child.

Tricky material to handle, things are elevated by the central performances. Gyllenhaal is excellent, managing to just about keep viewers on board, even as her behaviour becomes more and more unacceptable. Sevak gives a wonderful turn, often acting sweetly oblivious to the inappropriate actions of one of the main adults in his life. Gael García Bernal stands out as the teacher of a poetry class, unwittingly motivating Lisa, who starts to test the waters by sharing the poems from Jimmy Roy, while claiming them as her own. Michael Chernus plays Grant Spinelli, the husband of Lisa, and does good work, as does everyone else with their name in the credits, but any scenes not featuring Gyllenhaal and Sevak tend to end up feeling like so much padding. They are the heart of the film, in terms of the ideas being explored and the strongest performances, and they make the whole thing worth watching, even during the times when you may want to cringe and turn it off.

Far from perfect, and many viewers will lose patience with the lead character before I did, this is still one to give your time to, a thought-provoking rumination on what it takes to fan a childish spark of creativity into a life-long passion for the pursuit of art, but equally a reminder to let children be children, because their world-view and innocence, their ability to keep hold of what we may have lost on our way to adulthood, is not for our benefit. It's just all part of being a child.

7/10

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Netflix And Chill: The Monster (2016)

Part horror movie and part an effective study of a seriously damaged mother-daughter relationship, The Monster is yet another worthwhile horror that gets things right by ensuring that both of the main components are given the right amount of care and attention.

Zoe Kazan is Kathy, a mother driving her daughter, Lizzy (Ella Ballentine), to go and live with her father. There doesn't seem to be too much sadness about this, not from either party, and a lot of that has to do with the problems that Kathy has had with alcohol. The daughter has sometimes had to act like the parent, which has rarely been appreciated, especially when Kathy has been trying to hang on to some new asshole boyfriend. As they drive along a quiet road at night, they hit a wolf that runs out in front of them. But it seems that the wolf was running way from something. Something bigger, and much more dangerous.

Written and directed by Bryan Bertino, The Monster is so good that I'm even willing to forgive him for the awfulness of Mockingbird. It's a decent creature feature elevated by the portrait of a parent-child relationship that has already spent some time being put through the wringer, which leads to the strongest mix of love and hate that you can have in any damaged relationship.

Kazan is very good in her role, being allowed to give a performance that shows her at her worst, in a number of flashbacks were her selfish, and abusive, behaviour is shown, and also at her best. No matter how good she is, however, the star here is Ballentine, who has to consistently show a wider mix of emotions, and also a sharper mind, as the child so used to acting like the adult, with the resentment and the sadness, and maturity, that brings. There are some other characters who pop onscreen to be put in peril, but the main one is, Jesse, a roadside mechanic who has been called to the scene. Aaron Douglas gets to play this role, which is written in a slightly odd way. I'm not sure if Bertino wanted viewers to consider Jesse as a potential danger, or if he was just playing up the fact that being stuck in a broken-down car in an isolated road makes EVERYTHING seem like a potential danger, especially to a mother and young daughter. Whatever his reasons, Jesse is the one part that doesn't work as well, but that's no fault of Douglas, who does just fine.

There's not much to comment on elsewhere. The cinematography seems to have been kept slightly too dark in order to hide any flaws in the creature design (which isn't that bad, but would have been better if they had avoided showing it out in the open so often), and the music by tomandandy is far from their best work, although that is probably just my preference for some of their more bombastic numbers. The creature is interesting, imperfect in a way that still has you trying to take in some of the details, but there's really nothing else onscreen, visually, that makes a strong impression (with the exception of a very tender moment that shows Lizzy looking after her mother after some alcohol-induced illness).

Despite criticising the overall look of the film, The Monster is well worth your time. It's not a film that's wanting to give you beautiful frames and original imagery. It's a film exploring something painful and depressingly common. It's a film about parents who can act like monsters, and it just happens to also have another monster in it.

8/10

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Shudder Saturday: Creepshow Animated Special (2020)

Here we are, a special episode of the much-anticipated anthology series springboarding from the classic movie, and I felt it should be discussed here. It's not a movie, I know, but it's not the first time I have discussed something here that is not a movie. And it won't be the last time either.

A lot of people were delighted with the news that this series was coming. Many people are still delighted that it has happened, with some commenting that the feel of the show is just what they wanted, and the stories and framing make everything seem nicely in line with that Creepshow vibe.

I have to respectfully disagree.

Much like the tale of the monkey's paw that features in one episode in the first series, Creepshow is a classic example of being careful what you wish for. We already had the classic first movie. A lot of people really like the second movie. But there was a third movie, which was pretty bad. Now we have this, arguably the weakest of all of the products that have the Creepshow name attached.

I don't know why I held out hope that this animated special would be better, but I did. Maybe I was carried along on the wave of positivity that seems to keep coming from the horror community. But let's be clear, I cannot help thinking that the positivity, the love, for this series is coming from people who are still hoping it becomes better than it has been so far. As easy to please as I am, the hit rate for the show has been just below 50%, at a conservative estimate. The better stories have been good, the worse stories have been godawful.

A lot of the success depends on the source material, so I was pleased to see that the first tale this time around was "Survivor Type", a dark and twisted Stephen King story about a man who ends up on a desert island, and aims to stay alive for as long as possible, no matter what. I've long been a fan of this story (which I first read in "Skeleton Crew" and, considering the nastiness of it, using animation to tell it seemed like a perfect choice. Kiefer Sutherland voices the main character, the animation style is okay, and it wasn't that bad. If the second tale was a good one then I could see myself enjoying this special.

The second tale, "Twittering From The Circus Of The Dead" was not a good one. I'd actually say it sit easily alongside the worse of the tales featured in season one. A young girl (voiced by Joey King) and her family end up going into a roadside circus attraction, which features zombies and people in peril. The people in peril act as if they're genuinely afraid. I am sure you can guess why. Based on a short story by Joe Hill, I can only assume this was picked as a way to give the special that father-son writer connection, all this did was make me wish they had gone with some other, ANY other, Joe Hill story. Given the form, this would have been an ideal opportunity to introduce people to the quirky world of Pop Art (okay, not as grounded in horror, maybe, but a much more interesting choice).

I'll watch a second season of the show, but it's become increasingly obvious with each episode, and particularly with this special, that the people crafting Creepshow (and it's Greg Nicotero who has his name writ large over most of it) have forgotten how to capture that spark of magic that makes the original film such an enduring classic, and even makes the second film a fun time for horror fans. I hope they bring some people on board soon who can help them remember how to find it.

4/10

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Inferno (2016)

Despite knowing how they are generally viewed by many other people, I am a BIG fan of the previous movies featuring the character of Robert Langdon. Having read most of the books written by Dan Brown, I knew the way he created the contrivances and characters, and the movies managed to move along at a brisk enough pace to make me forget the increasing incredulity of the set-pieces (almost). I was looking forward to Inferno, remembering the high stakes and the tense final act.

Sadly, this is the weakest of the cinematic trilogy, and it's easy to see why. The source material just isn't as easy to translate into cinematic entertainment, and there's also the small problem of each subsequent film highlighting just how many times Brown reaches for the same bag of tricks. Director Ron Howard cannot do much while tied to the novel, and writer David Koepp doesn't want to take any risks in his adaptation of the work.

Hanks returns once again to play the hero, who this time starts things by waking up in an Italian hospital with what seems to be a very bad case of amnesia. He barely has time to try and remember who he is before Dr. Sienna Brooks (Felicity Jones) is helping him to evade a deadly assassin. The two of them then race against the clock to hopefully stop a madman from releasing a virus that will cut the population of the entire planet in half.

It's hard to work up any enthusiasm for Inferno, it's such a mediocre and disappointing movie, especially coming after two much better films. Things start promisingly enough (there's the suicide of the madman who has already put his plan in motion, there's Langdon having a nightmarish vision of people burning to death around him), but that is all soon forgotten as the plot starts to trudge along from one weak set-piece to the next. Even the travelogue aspect isn't all that enjoyable, with the camerawork and visuals surprisingly dull throughout. How the hell do you make Venice look anything less than eye-poppingly gorgeous??

Hanks is yet again a comfortable fit in the role, and Felicity Jones is an enjoyable co-star for him, hampered by the material, but buoyed by the fact that she's Felicity Jones. Omar Sy is okay, but equally hampered by the material, and there are unmemorable supporting turns from Irrfan Khan, Sidse Babett Knudsen, and Ana Ularu. Ben Foster stands out, despite his limited screentime, thanks to his role in one or two of the most intriguing scenes.

Others might end up enjoying this more than I did. If you haven't read the books, or seen the other movies, then you may have a better viewing experience. I found it a big disappointment, especially following on from the two movies that preceded it.

4/10

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Angels & Demons (2009)

The pope must die . . . in order to kickstart the proceedings of this, the second cinematic adaptation of the implausible adventures of Robert Langdon. It’s a rip-roaring “treasure hunt” through Vatican City, and holds up as an equal to the first film.

Langdon (Tom Hanks) is called to Vatican City after a plan is put in motion that involves killing potential new Popes (I cannot recall the name of the ceremony, they really should just call it Pope Idol by now) in a manner tied to the four elements, branding bodies with special writing that may signify the work of the Illuminati, and having everyone do their damnedest to track down a vial of anti-matter that has been set to explode in mere hours.

With Hanks back in the lead role, Howard back in the big chair, and Akiva Goldsman back on writing duties (this time alongside David Koepp), Angels & Demons is very much a happy reunion for people who clearly enjoyed doing such a great job of things the first time around. While you could continue to complain about to the disparity between popular entertainment and great art (and the common ground), the source material from Dan Brown certainly stands high in the former camp, and both Howard and Hanks are used to delivering to people what they want.

The only downside of this film is the female thrown alongside Langdon for this particular escapade. Ayelet Zurer plays Dr. Vittoria Vetra, but she’s really not given much to do. Compared to the other onscreen allies that Langdon has been paired with, this woman is sorely undeveloped and redundant, for the most part (which is really saying something, considering how consistently weak Brown is when it comes to visiting the same well over and over for his stock of supporting characters).

Hanks is comfortable reprising the famous symbologist, Ewan McGregor is a treat, playing someone who was close to the previous Pope, and believes the church should attempt to be even more progressive, and Stellan Skarsgård is as dependable as ever, here playing a stubborn, no-nonsense, head of the Swiss Guard.

The end may become a bit too ridiculous (which you could arguably say about all Dan Brown tales), but this feels a bit more intense than The Da Vinci Code, and makes absolutely fantastic use of the gorgeous environment of Vatican City. For slick mainstream thrills, I think this is top-notch stuff.

8/10

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Prime Time: Brahms: The Boy II (2020)

I'm not going to spoil anything that happened in the film, but The Boy was a pleasant surprise. A supernatural tale that became an enjoyable thriller, it managed to perfectly mix the silly and the effective in equal measure. It was no classic, but I'd happily recommend it to people looking for some tame entertainment. 

It certainly didn't need a sequel though. And it certainly didn't need a sequel as daft as this.

Katie Holmes and Owain Yeoman play the parents of a young boy named Jude (Christopher Convery). After the traumatic experience of having their home broken into, Jude stops speaking. They head off for a little convalescence, and happen to end up in the same location as Brahms, the doll that seemed to spooky and lively in the first movie. Jude grows immediately attached to Brahms, and wants his parents to abide by a number of rules that ensure people treat the doll as he likes to be treated. Things start to get increasingly tense within the family unit, and anyone trying to separate Jude and Brahms does so at their own peril.

Director William Brent Bell and writer Stacey Menear both return for this second doll-centric tale, and it's almost as if they resent some of the decisions they made in the first film. This decides to push things further, to remove any ambiguity, and to take viewers on a journey that ends with some moments that are so ridiculous, and so far removed from the first film that I'm surprised Bell and Menear even decided to use the name. You could argue that the developed backstory makes it obvious that this follows on from the first film, but all of that could have been tweaked (or, better yet, just dropped).

Yeoman is the more passive of the two adults, just following the lead of Holmes, who has to show stress and worry from her earliest scenes. Neither of the leads ends up faring well, considering the nonsense they have to work with, but it's Holmes who suffers the most, mainly due to her having to seem freaked out by the doll even before things start to get stranger and stranger. Convery is good enough in the role of Jude, spending a lot of the film almost shielding himself with Brahms, and it is always good to see Ralph Ineson pop up in movies recently, even when his role takes him to as silly a place as this one does. 

If you're morbidly curious about this after seeing the first film, let that morbid curiosity go. There's a minimum degree of technical competence throughout, saving it being the very worst of the worst, but it's a pretty terrible movie. All it does is undo the goodwill earned by the first film.

 

3/10

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The Da Vinci Code (2006)

Dan Brown is not Charles Dickens. He's no Brontë. No Stephen King. Even when it comes to thrillers, he's not as good as the likes of Patricia Cornwell, Lee Child, or even (when he's on form) Dean Koontz. But that's not to say that his writing is terrible. He has amassed a huge fanbase over the years, and a lot of that stems from the success of The Da Vinci Code, a thriller that blended some fact with a whole lot of fiction in a way that intrigued readers and made them feel as if they were becoming a bit smarter while the plot became dumber and dumber. That kind of success is very easy to turn your nose up at (especially when you recognise the formula that Brown has used in almost every one of his books, and I have read, and enjoyed,  Deception Point, Digital Fortress, and three of his Langdon adventures, the ones that have so far been adapted into movies), but it also happens for a reason.  Brown knows how to thread together ludicrous plot points into something that is entertaining and thrilling.

You could say the same of director Ron Howard, who has been at the helm of numerous hit movies throughout his career. It's also easy to turn your nose up at many of his works, but they're often hugely popular for similar reasons. Howard is a pro when it comes to the technical side of things, and when it comes to crafting moments of cinematic emotional manipulation. Has he made any absolute classics? You can be the judge of that, but if he's not made one movie that you would always enjoy if you caught it randomly on the TV then I'd be very surprised.

So Howard directing the cinematic adaptation of the book that really made Dan Brown a household name was surely always a guarantee of a blockbuster hit. Put Tom Hanks in the role of Robert Langdon and what could possibly go wrong? Not much, actually, not much at all.

It's a simple enough premise, a straightforward journey complicated by numerous obstacles and twists. Langdon is called to a murder scene inside the Louvre, and that sets him on a quest to both clear his name and find the Holy Grail, which seems to have had its location hidden away in a number of coded messages over the years. Langdon is accompanied by Sophie Neveu (Audrey Tautou), and hopes to enlist the help of and old friend, Sir Leigh Teabing (Ian McKellen), as he tries to continue evading Captain Fache (Jean Reno), a self-flagellating albino monk named Silas (Paul Bettany), and others who are in hot pursuit.

Although Howard is in the big chair for this, a lot of the credit should be shared by everyone involved. This is a film that makes it clear just how much care and attention has gone into every department, from the props and design to the casting, and it's also got a gorgeous score by Hans Zimmer. Brown came up with the source material, but Akiva Goldsman does a superb job of making things more cinematic. The twists and turns are nicely handled, the exposition delivered in ways that don't let the film feel as if it has come grinding to a halt, and Hanks and Tautou are a winning pairing in the lead roles.

The supporting cast aren't half bad either. Reno works with an ambiguous character who may have an agenda of his own while he tracks our hero, McKellen has fun with a character who is oh-so-English that it's positively precious, and Bettany is an intriguing presence. Alfred Molina and Jürgen Prochnow also have good parts to play, with the latter involved in a set-piece that emphasises how silly some of the plotting can be, which doesn't necessarily make things any less fun.

It's very easy to mock and dismiss the Dan Brown books. It's also very easy to mock and dismiss the movies based on his books (and I know many complained at the time that Tautou seemed a bit wasted in her role, I think she remains a plus, thanks to her sheer screen presence). Maybe try to see how many positives there are, and simply accept the fact that being a crowd-pleasing work of art is almost always far removed from being the best work of art, but isn't any less worthy when it comes to having made people feel happy and entertained.

8/10

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Mubi Monday: Meek's Cutoff (2010)

Bruce Greenwood is not Ethan Hawke. I wouldn't normally start a review by saying that, but I wouldn't normally watch a movie thinking that one character has been played by Ethan Hawke, only to find they were played by Bruce Greenwood. 

Greenwood plays Stephen Meek, a frontier guide who leads a wagon train through some arid countryside, taking everyone perilously close to a sticky end, due to the ongoing scarcity of food and water. Tensions grow when a Native American (Ron Rondeaux) is captured, with different members of the group trying different ways to get him to reveal information to them about the surrounding desert environment.

Directed by Kelly Reichardt, and written by her regular collaborator, Jonathan Raymond, Meek's Cutoff is an attempt to tell a very strange story from history in a way that allows for a different kind of Western. The end result is a mixed bag, a film that strives to avoid all of the moments that you’re used to seeing in the genre. That is no bad thing, not in and of itself, but the fact that it so defiantly gives viewers nothing recognisable also works against it. There’s no playfulness here, no major subversion, despite the exploration of the shifting power dynamic between Meek, the Native Smerican, and others in the group.

The cast all do good work, even if I thought Greenwood was Hawke (which is a compliment for this role, honest). Michelle Williams and Will Patton are the main couple who don’t immediately dance to the tune that Meek wants to play, which is probably well-advised as it becomes clear that he may not know as much as he claims to know. Shirley Henderson, Paul Dano, Zoe Kazan, and everyone else in the group does solid work, and Rondeaux is superbly stoic and ambiguous in his way of interacting with the others.

Do seek this out if you don’t mind a slow-paced film that features some top-notch actors giving superb, but unshowy, performances. But it is worth warning people who decide to check this out if they are after a revisionist Western. You could label it that way, but it is more simply classed as a historical drama that happens to take place in a location more commonly seen in Western movies, with people who sometimes look to settle disagreements with their guns. Sort of like a Western.

7/10

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