Sometimes I watch a film and I know that I won't feel the need to be nice and polite about it. It doesn't happen often, and I have mentioned recently that I try not to be too personal or too rude, but there are certain films that feel so cynical and lazy that they deserve as little of my time and energy as possible, making me far less inclined to be pleasant to those involved in it.
I Heart Willie is one of those films. It's another in the current crop of films made by people who thought they were clever when the copyright on certain specific properties expired. I've heard from people I trust that some of the others aren’t actually that bad, but the few I have been brave enough to endure so far have all been pretty dire, and this is the worst of them . . . so far.
Written by David Vaughn, who also plays the main monstrous character, all you get here is a group of weak and unsympathetic characters ending up trapped by a skin-carving killer. Each main death is underlit, grossly mishandled, and so dull that it feels like a determined artistic statement on the monotony of the life of a compulsive serial killer.
Director Alejandro G. Alegre doesn’t show any desire to do anything interesting, but equally shows no desire to provide simple thrills and entertainment. There’s a tiresome moment of gratuitous nudity from the one actress I presume was persuaded to take her top off, some very poor special effects, and a killer backstory that is much more laughable than it had to be.
I won’t even mention the cast. Nobody is good here, aside from maybe one person who is involved in one scene near the start that has him pushed out of the proceedings far too early. Everyone else is either so weak or outright awful that the kindest thing I can do here is not name them.
The only thing stopping this from being among the very worst things I have ever seen is the sheer quantity and variable quality of my viewing choices. Most people will struggle to name a worse modern slasher. I was more thrilled and entertained years ago when I used to play Castle Of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse on my SEGA system.
2/10
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