There's Something Wrong With The Children (2023)

I will admit to going into There’s Something Wrong With The Children with some trepidation. Although I had enjoyed previous films directed by Roxanne Benjamin, trust me when I tell you that she is someone that horror fans should be always looking out for, I wasn’t as familiar with the work of writers T. J. Cimfel and David White. It also didn’t help that the trailer made me think it was just an unofficial remake of The Children. And as for Amanda Crew (aka disobedient younger sister in Final Destination 3) now settling into movie roles that cast her as an onscreen mother, that will just never stop feeling odd to me while she still looks about 20.

Anyway, no need to worry, There’s Something Wrong With The Children is REALLY good. It’s an interesting and fun horror movie, but it also has an underlying message about the pressure that can be put on couples to have children, presenting a pretty compelling case for respecting the decision of those who choose not to have children.

Crew and Carlos Santos are the parents, Ellie and Thomas, spending some time away from the rest of the world with their kids, Lucy (Briella Guiza) and Spencer (David Mattle), and two close, and childless, friends, Margaret (Alisha Wainwright) and Ben (Zach Gilford). Ellie and Thomas obviously need a bit more time to themselves, which leads to Margaret and Ben babysitting for a night, but that doesn’t work out as planned. The kids head off into nearby woods alone and, when they reappear, something has changed. Spending some time messing around with Ben, who is taking medication for ongoing health issues, the kids eventually become more and more overt with their taunting and aggressive behaviour.

While it isn’t the most visually interesting horror movie, and the script allows viewers to stay a step or two ahead of the main characters, what you get here is a brilliant central idea that everyone involved fully commits to. This isn’t your typical “bad seed” movie, although that is the easiest label to put on it, because it sets things up in the first act with that clear and obvious divide between the parents and those without children. While focused on the horror, and on being entertaining, this is also a film that highlights the ridiculousness of a society that, for example, automatically assumes that those without parenting experience know nothing about the behaviour of children. It also pits the maternal/paternal instinct against one of self-preservation.

Benjamin helps herself a lot by assembling the right cast, setting aside the notion that Crew will forever look too young to play a parent (that’s just on me) and that Santos feels a bit underused. Wainwright and Gilford are involved in most of the best scenes, and both do good work, but young Guiza and Mattle have enormous fun being malicious little brats who start to behave more like animals as they establish their new power over adults they want to terrorize. 

I really liked this. It’s both a straightforward horror movie, albeit one with some added weirdness driving the plot, and a deliciously sly commentary on the way society seems to value the views of parents over the views of anyone else in so many different scenarios. I would be happy to hear that someone was currently working on a sequel script entitled “There’s Something Wrong With The Parents”, as long as Benjamin was back in the director’s chair for it.

8/10

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Netflix And Chill: Freaks (2018)

Although I like to keep my reviews as spoiler-free as possible, overall, I think there's something worth mentioning about Freaks that COULD seem very spoilery to those wanting to go into the movie completely blind. So stop reading now if that is you.

Right, everyone else gone?

Just me and anyone who has seen the film here? Or people who don't care about comparisons that may reveal the essence of the movie? Okay then, we can continue.

Freaks is the story of a young girl (Chloe, played by Lexy Kolker) who is being kept at home by her father (Emile Hirsch). The reasoning behind this isn't clear, but it seems that the father is just trying to protect his daughter. Or maybe he's protecting the world outside from his daughter. All is revealed as the plot unfolds, and that includes the revelation that some people in this cinematic world have dangerous powers, and there's an ice cream vendor (Bruce Dern) taking an interest in the life of Chloe, which means he may want to harm her, although he may equally want to help her.

Okay, that was a whole extra paragraph, at least, in between my warning and what may come as quite a big spoiler to anyone wanting to go into this film blind. So I am saying it now. Freaks is a better onscreen representation of the character of Phoenix than we've seen in any X-Men movie so far. It's all about a young girl growing to a stage in which her powers will start to show, which will endanger her and everyone around her. And she can become stronger when she lets her emotions build up and drive her actions.

If you like the sound of that then Freaks is for you. It's really well put together, from the co-directing and co-writing team of Zach Lipovsky and Adam B. Stein, depicting a big vision onscreen while keep everything focused on one or two small locations. Lipovsky and Stein are smart in the way they illustrate many big brushstrokes just offscreen while they keep the camera pointed at areas they have layered with some lovely and detailed painting.

The cast all do very well in their roles, with Hirsch and Dern both playing to their strengths as two adults butting heads while they consider the best ways to help the young girl at the centre of everything. Hirsch alternates between being caring and being too heavy-handed in his protective approach, Dern is as cantankerous as usual, and both actors play the material ambiguously enough until the truth starts to be revealed. Kolker is pretty fantastic in the vital role of Chloe, starting off with a sense of innocence that keeps being worn away as she becomes more informed and angrier. Grace Park is an agent who serves as an obvious physical threat, and Amanda Crew is odd to watch, considering she's now old enough to be asked to play the "mother" role in these kinds of films (it still just seems like yesterday when she was the headstrong younger sister of Mary Elizabeth Winstead in Final Destination 3).

Freaks is very familiar stuff, but it's done so well. It is, essentially, a superhero-type tale without all of the usual trappings. You don't get the name recognition, you don't get the huge budget or set-pieces, and you don't even get the bombastic musical score (with no offence intended to Tim Wynn, I can't even recall much of the score already). What you get is a gripping story with some well-sketched characters and a satisfying third act that just keeps shifting the plot points nicely into place while adding more and more danger.

7/10

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Table 19 (2017)

Weddings can be stressful affairs. Stressful for those planning the whole event, and sometimes almost as stressful for those attending. What do you wear? What gift should you get for the happy couple? What table will you be sitting at? What can you do to avoid the best man, who you were going out with until very recently? Okay, maybe that last one only applies to one or two individuals, including the character played in this movie by Anna Kendrick.

Kendrick is Eloise, a young woman who ends up at the titular table at the wedding of her good friend. She ends up alongside Jo (June Squibb), who used to be the nanny to the bride, a young man named Renzo (Tony Revolori), a married couple (Bina and Jerry Kepp, played by Lisa Kudrow and Craig Robinson, respectively), and a man recently released from prison by the name of Walter (Stephen Merchant). This ragtag bunch start to learn a lot more about one another as the wedding day goes on, becoming more supportive and defiant in the face of dictated wedding roles. It's likely that these individuals will find themselves changed by the end of their experience, or it's equally likely that they will accept qualities they once thought they HAD to change.

Written and directed by Jeffrey Blitz, based on a story that he worked on with Mark and Jay Duplass, Table 19 is a film that manages to embrace the dramedy/rom-com tropes it is using, while also throwing in one or two minor surprises that should make viewers smile. The tone is pitched perfectly, as is the way in which awkward moments aren't overdone. This material could have easily been far too cringe-inducing, or broad, or too bitter, but it isn't. There's no real substance to it either, mind you - these people always feel like movie characters in movie situations - but it's nice and simple entertainment.

The cast helps a lot. Kendrick can play this kind of role blindfolded, Wyatt Russell adds another solid performance to his growing, impressive filmography, playing the best man who is painted in a bad light by Kendrick (but is that really who he is?). Squibb is lovely, Revolori and Merchant provide a lot of laughs, and Robinson and Kudrow work well alongside one another, with Kudrow delivering a performance that might well remind viewers that she should really be given more roles like this, in terms of screentime and substance.

There's not much more to say about this. It's a small film that never really feels hampered by any of the decisions made (in terms of budget and shot choices, etc), and it's something that should work well enough for any couples looking for a choice to settle on for "date night". But I'm sure it won't often be cast up by anyone involved when they're rattling off highlights of their career. Pleasant and unspectacular would be the two main adjectives to apply here.

6/10

Folks can pick up Table 19 on DVD here.
Americans have the Bluray option here.

The Haunting In Connecticut (2009)

I used to absolutely love haunted house movies. They would always entertain me and also scare the pants off me at the same time. The Amityville Horror (both versions), The Changeling, The Legend Of Hell House and The Haunting (1963) are a few of my favourites. Yet the tide of my opinion has been turning over the past 5-10 years. I think the fact that so many of them nowadays are labelled "based on a true story" or "based on the horrifying truth" or "based on the book based on the facts told to the neighbour by some previous owners" has turned me against them. Because, it seems, the more that they purport to be based on fact the easier it is to spot how false it all feels.

Here are a few common factors to spot in any modern haunted house movie "based on a true story" - the family is already under some kind of stress (emotional or financial), someone always helps them when things get a lot worse and, coincidentally, when the family unit is weakened. Kids are usually at the epicentre of events (this is often explained away by the fact that puberty and raging hormones encourages supernatural activity or some other hogwash). And, of course, most of the facts are based on testimonies as opposed to any actual, ummmm, evidence.

Like Mulder, I still want to believe. It's just getting harder and harder to remain a wannabe believer.

This movie doesn't help.Written by Adam Simon and Tim Metcalfe, and directed by Peter Cornwell, it checks off all of the factors just mentioned and then puts them together to create something dull, unscary, predictable and borderline incompetent (just count the amount of "jump" scares that don't work because of the way that the camera moves and/or scene blocking indicate what's about to occur).

It's a shame because this movie wastes a damn good cast. Virginia Madsen is always someone I enjoy watching onscreen (and sorry to be so shallow but is she getting even finer in her 50s??) while Martin Donovan is solid enough. They play the parents to a cancer-stricken young man played by the excellent Kyle Gallner. Amanda Crew is an acceptable young actress and then we have a supporting turn from the superb Elias Koteas. They're all left floundering.

The poor script isn't laughably bad but it's just dull and seems to be two steps behind the viewer. The CGI is sometimes okay but usually overdone and distractingly fake. The direction is awful. The only fact that rings true by the time the end credits roll is that you shouldn't waste your time on this.

3/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Haunting-in-Connecticut-the-DVD/dp/B0027UY836