I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

Obviously not a film for everyone, I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle is for those who wanted to see the cast of UK TV show "Boon" in a bad horror movie or who wanted to see a movie about a possessed motorbike or who wanted to see . . . . . . Neil Morrissey attacked by a lively turd in a random nightmare sequence. It has all of these things and more. None of them make for a great viewing experience.

The story is nothing to dwell on, what with it being fully described in the title of the movie, so let's move quickly past that.

The acting is okay if you enjoy acting performances that look as if they belong in some 80s British comedy drama series full of more bad puns and lame moments than anything else. Neil Morrissey is the leading man and he's so-so, if nothing special. He's certainly better than anyone else on screen, with the possible exception of Anthony Daniels in a rare non-C3PO role. Supposed to be a lovable loser trying to find out exactly what's wrong with his new purchase, Morrissey is believably dim but not really as endearing as his "cheeky chappie" could be.

The effects are about as varied as you can get with some of the stuff here being quite enjoyably gory but other stuff looking as if someone knocked it up in their workshed with a load of red paint and sticky back plastic (which, in all likelihood, is probably what happened). The bike itself is a nice looking machine and gains some nice design "upgrades" as the movie progresses. Director Dirk Campbell also does a good job of blocking scenes tightly enough to show the bike moving, apparently, without anyone on board.

The biggest problem with the film, although there are many minor failings to choose from, is that it's simply too preposterous to enjoy fully. The central premise is not just stupid but also stupidly executed. It's as if we're expected to buy into the fact that this bike can get everywhere and sneak up on people every night when the bike is there, reminding you that . . . . . . . . IT'S A BIKE! I must also make a special point of mentioning the Hell's Angels here that are about as scary as the Hell's Grannies depicted by Monty Python. Fans of the great, quaint UK horror Psychomania will enjoy seeing this bunch of tame "tough bikers". And, considering the film was released in 1990, it's strange to think that it may have seemed dated as soon as it came out. Perhaps people can argue that it's done that way deliberately, a homage to the decidedly British horrors of yesteryear. I'm not buying that one.

With Michael Elphick also hamming things up and a bunch of people who were never really (or should never have been) bound for anything more than TV work, the movie just about works it's way to an average rating with it's exuberance and sense of self-belief (not to mention the surprisingly enjoyable, generic soundtrack) but it just has far too much to work against with the onslaught of poor, groansome gags, the silliness of the whole scenario and the complete lack of tension throughout. UK horror has seen much worse entries in the genre but it's also seen MUCH better.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bought-Vampire-Motorcycle-DVD/dp/B000B64VS0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339931241&sr=8-1

Nothing But The Best (1964)

Aahhhhh, the Swinging 60s. London. A time and a place that, if you believe the movies, easily show a Great Britain that was still GREAT. The music was groovy, the sex wasn't overshadowed by the horror of HIV and the fashions were snappy and dapper. In fact, the more I see of 60s Britain the more I tend to side with people who try their best to incorporate some retro style in their wardrobe and lifestyle choices.

But there was also a battle to move up the ranks, a struggle for class and status more pronounced than anything that happens nowadays. Oh yes, the rich are now far richer than they ever were and the poor probably far poorer. The divide is certainly greater. But that middle ground, that mixture of people and finances and attitudes, is more turbulent and eclectic than ever before. You can work your way up for years but still, ultimately, find yourself in that middle ground.

Back in the 60s you could work yourself up and find yourself way up high, gazing down at the proles you used to toil alongside. Which is what Jimmy Brewster (Alan Bates) wants to do in this enjoyable, slightly perverse, comedy. To achieve his aim he decides to learn from, and model himself upon, Charles Prince (Denholm Elliott, on wonderful form). Unfortunately, tips and advice can only get you so far towards the next rung. To really make it to the top you need to clear some space by throwing others downward. Lucky for Jimmy that he seems to have the determination to go through with it.

A number of films from this decade are, unsurprisingly, about class and the trappings of any privileged social status. Thankfully, many of them are also very good films with this one being no exception. Nothing But The Best has a fun script by Frederic Raphael, fine direction by Clive Donner and a wonderful cast that starts off well with Bates and Elliott in the lead roles and then gets better and better with the performances from Harry Andrews, Millicent Martin, Pauline Delaney, James Villiers and everyone else involved.

Add many little details that make viewing a pleasure, plus cinematography by Nicolas Roeg, and you have a delightful black comedy that deserves to be given an airing occasionally (either on TV or, even better, on DVD) and to find an appreciative audience.

8/10.

http://www.vicpine.co.uk/Nothing-But-The-Best.htm

Siren (2010)

No, just no. Updating old myths is all well and good but it has to be done with a modicum of style and skill. Perhaps even wit. Intelligence would be nice. None of those things are present in Siren, a British horror movie that commits the cardinal sin of being completely boring for most of its runtime.

Eoin Macken and Anna Skellern are, respectively, Ken and Rachel, a couple who head out to meet Rachel's old friend, Marco (Anthony Jabre). They then jump on to the lovely boat they've been allowed the use of and enjoy some sea and sunshine. At one point, Ken and Rachel head below deck for some jolly rogering and poor old Marco finds himself taking the boat into shallow waters as he sees someone in trouble. Things start to go from bad to worse soon enough and the discovery of a female named Silka (Tereza Srbova) on the nearby island leads to some very strange events. Silka sometimes sings too. You think that Ken, Rachel and Marco would be slightly wary as they were told about the legends of the sirens by a colourful local moments before heading out to sea. But no. That bit of information just seems to have been inserted to hammer home the central idea for viewers.

The late Andrew Hull directs (and he also co-wrote the thing with Geoffrey Gunn) and as the movie has a dedication to him at the start of the end credits I don't want to really rip the movie apart and seem like a disrespectful asshole.

But it's a bad movie. Plain and simple. The acting is okay-ish (well maybe not really but it's passable) from most people involved, with the exception of Tereza Srbova who is pretty terrible (and makes everyone seem better by comparison), but the movie really doesn't do anything notable with it's main idea. Mixing in dream sequences at random certainly doesn't help, there's no tension generated because we don't really care about the characters and nothing onscreen to appease horror fans - no actual scares, no decent blood and gore (which horror fans don't always look out for but can appreciate if there's nothing else being offered), a teasing hint of eroticism that quickly fizzles out.

Anna Skellern is pleasant to look at, that's really all I can pick as a high point of a dull movie that squanders a potentially interesting premise and proves ultimately disappointing for everyone invloved (cast, crew and viewers).

3/10.

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