The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Anyone who complains about the Star Wars prequels ruining their childhood, and the franchise, has obviously never seen this infamous holiday special, made with as little money and care as possible (or so it would seem). While not directly about Christmas, it IS about a major holiday and was first shown in November of 1978 in America, which certainly gives it a prime holiday spot, on the run up to both Thanksgiving and Christmas. And when I mention when it was first shown I should also mention that it has never been shown again. If George Lucas could nuke the entire planet from orbit just to ensure that this would be wiped from existence ("it's the only way to be sure") then I suspect he would.

The slim plot concerns Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew back in the Wookiee costume) trying to get back to his family in order to celebrate a major holiday, Life Day. Han Solo (Harrison Ford) is helping him. That's really all you need to know. Oh, well, I guess I should also mention that Chewbacca's family (wife Malla, father Itchy and son Lumpy) are somehow nightmare creations compared to good ol' Chewie, and guest stars make an appearance (Art Carney, Harvey Korman, Bea Arthur) in between small moments that feature Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher), C3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2D2 (Kenny Baker).

I don't know where to begin when it comes to expressing my reaction to this. Imagine that you saw Star Wars at the age of 8. But you saw it while ill, and under the influence of too much cough medicine. And there was also a strange music video featuring Diahann Carroll spliced in. Then hit yourself over the head 50 times with an old VHS BIG box of either of the Ewoks movies. Watch some episodes of The Golden Girls. And repeat. If you can still tell fantasy from reality then perhaps use some intense hallucinogenics. You'll be close.

Everyone involved looks embarrassed, and rightfully so, and for a holiday special this certainly isn't any fun. Director Steve Binder seems to have no idea what he's doing, despite (or perhaps because of) the input from 5 different writers. The only legitimate point of interest here, aside from the warped comedy value of watching a young Harrison Ford die a little every time the camera points at him while a young Mark Hamill continues to act beautifully naive throughout the whole experience, is the first appearance, in cartoon form, of Boba Fett, bounty hunter extraordinaire.

Honestly, however bizarre you might think this will be . . . . . . . . . . . . it's a LOT worse. The fact that nobody ever considered stopping this before it was transmitted is perhaps the most damning evidence available to prove just how many drugs were still being hoovered up by folks in showbusiness at the end of the 1970s.

3/10

I will leave you to find this "special" by your own means. And wash the taste out with this - http://www.amazon.com/Star-Wars-Complete-Episodes-Blu-ray/dp/B003ZSJ212/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1417892643&sr=8-1&keywords=star+wars

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

Obviously not a film for everyone, I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle is for those who wanted to see the cast of UK TV show "Boon" in a bad horror movie or who wanted to see a movie about a possessed motorbike or who wanted to see . . . . . . Neil Morrissey attacked by a lively turd in a random nightmare sequence. It has all of these things and more. None of them make for a great viewing experience.

The story is nothing to dwell on, what with it being fully described in the title of the movie, so let's move quickly past that.

The acting is okay if you enjoy acting performances that look as if they belong in some 80s British comedy drama series full of more bad puns and lame moments than anything else. Neil Morrissey is the leading man and he's so-so, if nothing special. He's certainly better than anyone else on screen, with the possible exception of Anthony Daniels in a rare non-C3PO role. Supposed to be a lovable loser trying to find out exactly what's wrong with his new purchase, Morrissey is believably dim but not really as endearing as his "cheeky chappie" could be.

The effects are about as varied as you can get with some of the stuff here being quite enjoyably gory but other stuff looking as if someone knocked it up in their workshed with a load of red paint and sticky back plastic (which, in all likelihood, is probably what happened). The bike itself is a nice looking machine and gains some nice design "upgrades" as the movie progresses. Director Dirk Campbell also does a good job of blocking scenes tightly enough to show the bike moving, apparently, without anyone on board.

The biggest problem with the film, although there are many minor failings to choose from, is that it's simply too preposterous to enjoy fully. The central premise is not just stupid but also stupidly executed. It's as if we're expected to buy into the fact that this bike can get everywhere and sneak up on people every night when the bike is there, reminding you that . . . . . . . . IT'S A BIKE! I must also make a special point of mentioning the Hell's Angels here that are about as scary as the Hell's Grannies depicted by Monty Python. Fans of the great, quaint UK horror Psychomania will enjoy seeing this bunch of tame "tough bikers". And, considering the film was released in 1990, it's strange to think that it may have seemed dated as soon as it came out. Perhaps people can argue that it's done that way deliberately, a homage to the decidedly British horrors of yesteryear. I'm not buying that one.

With Michael Elphick also hamming things up and a bunch of people who were never really (or should never have been) bound for anything more than TV work, the movie just about works it's way to an average rating with it's exuberance and sense of self-belief (not to mention the surprisingly enjoyable, generic soundtrack) but it just has far too much to work against with the onslaught of poor, groansome gags, the silliness of the whole scenario and the complete lack of tension throughout. UK horror has seen much worse entries in the genre but it's also seen MUCH better.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bought-Vampire-Motorcycle-DVD/dp/B000B64VS0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339931241&sr=8-1