Shudder Saturday: The Last Horror Film (1982)

I've heard a wide range of opinions on The Last Horror Film, and now that I have finally seen it I can at least say that, well, it sure was something. Whether it's something good or bad is something I hope to settle on by the time I reach the end of this review.

Joe Spinell plays Vinny Durand, a New York taxi driver who dreams of one day making a great horror movie starring the wonderful Jana Bates (Caroline Munro). There's no need to go the traditional route though, obviously, so Vinny heads to the Cannes Film Festival, where he sets out to get rid of some competitors and put Jana in his movie, even if she doesn't want to do it.

I knew what I was in for here when we had gratuitous toplessness within the first thirty seconds. This was going to be a bit sleazy, it was going to be unconcerned with good taste, and it was going to deliver some very standard 1980s horror movie moments. Would it have any surprises for me? Sadly not, although there's a moderately enjoyable layering of self-awareness and meta commentary as it turns into something increasingly self-reflexive on the way to an ending that whimpers when it should be bellowing out a primal scream.

It's not up there with the best work from either of the leads (Spinell has been even sweatier and more disturbing in Maniac, whereas Munro has her Hammer and Bond highlights), but both are cast for what they obviously bring to their respective roles. That's more than can be said for the likes of Glenn Jacobson, David Winters, or Judd Hamilton (although Winters and Hamilton being in control behind the camera explains why they cast themselves in front of it).

Winters directs with a lack of any notable style, happy enough to fill out the runtime with snatched footage from Cannes in between a few disappointingly tame death scenes. There are some good lines scattered throughout the screenplay (co-written by Winters, Hamilton, and Tom Klassen), but nothing truly clever or memorable enough to make the most of the concept at the heart of the film. 

It may not be essential viewing, not even close, but there’s still enough here to make it one that horror movie fans should want to check off their watchlist. I am glad that I finally got around to it, but I doubt I will ever want to give it a rewatch.

5/10

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Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter (1974)

In some ways this is a typical Hammer outing and, yet, in so many other ways it is definitely one of their more unusual releases. A lot of the credit must go to writer-director Brian Clemens, and I must express my regret that he didn't direct any other movies, either for Hammer or anyone else who could have utilised his vivid imagination and talent.

A number of young women are found dead or dying in the English countryside, they have blood on their lips and have aged terribly in the space of just a fleeting moment. What can be the cause of this? The local doctor (Dr Marcus, played by John Carson) feels that his good friend Captain Kronos (Horst Janson) will be able to get to the bottom of things. There is foul play here and no man is better than Kronos for dealing with such dark matters, ably assisted as he is by the hunch-backed Professor Hieronymus Grost (and "what he doesn't know about vampirism wouldn't fill a flea's codpiece"). Oh, did I say vampirism? Yes, that is the root cause of the problem here, and, while this may not come as much of a surprise, the way the attacks occur in daylight and the revelation that every vampire needs a different method of being despatched help to keep this film feeling fresher than many other Hammer vampire movies.

With the added lure of the beautiful Caroline Munro, playing Carla, and the usual Hammer production values (hmmm, okay, the films may have varied at times but this one looks good enough to me), this is a great film for fans who want their standard fare with some nice, quirky touches. The vampires also have reflections, nothing here is rooted so deeply into the accepted mythos that it cannot be turned on it's head. We also get some wonderful moments and additional titbits such as buried dead toads coming back to life if a vampire walks over/close enough to them and the fact that the cross only protects those who believe in it. I do not know if these have ever had any basis in the lore of olden days but they are fascinating and enjoyable new additions to the proceedings.

The acting is fairly good all round (although John Cater is the standout as the Professor), there are enough red herrings to keep you wondering who is the ultimate baddie (surely that Durward family has some skeleton in the closet . . . or what about the local thug in ye olde tavern?), the script is full of both light and very, very dark humour (most notably in a scene with Grost and Kronos trying to find out how to kill a vampire they have restrained) and the pace never flags as our swashbuckling hero strives to save the English countryside and, of course, his companions. A wonderful little movie that deserves to be seen by fans of the genre and the company it came from.

8/10

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The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad (1973)

A lot of people view this as the best of the three Sinbad movies that showcased more great work from the great Ray Harryhausen, but I disagree. It's very good, it has at least one definite contender for best Harryhausen creation ever (a lively statue of Kali) and it also benefits from the presence of the stunningly gorgeous Caroline Munro, but it just falls flat in between the set-pieces, for me, in a way that the previous film managed to avoid.

Sinbad (this time played by John Phillip Law) in on his ship when he spies a flying beastie that's holding something that looks valuable. So he shoots an arrow at the thing and collects what is dropped, which happens to be a golden tablet. He immediately wears the thing around his neck and then goes to sleep the sound sleep of a man who can shoot small creatures and take their riches. While sleeping, his ship is thrown off course by a storm that I like to think is an externalisation of Sinbad's troubled conscience, but is more likely to have been caused by a bad man named Koura (Tom Baker). Sinbad meets Koura when he ends up in a coastal town. Koura would like the tablet/amulet, Sinbad refuses and Koura has to disappear when the Grand Vizier (Douglas Wilmer) and his men appear. The Grand Vizier relates a legend to Sinbad. The tablet is one of three pieces. The three pieces put together create a map to the Fountain Of Destiny and whoever gets to the fountain and puts the three pieces of the tablet/amulet in there will receive "youth, a shield of darkness, and a crown of untold riches." That's enough to convince Sinbad that he should travel with the Grand Vizier and see if the legend is true. Before heading back to see he adds a lazy young man (Kurt Christian) to his crew, after some persuasion from the lad's father, and a beautiful woman he frees from slavery (Caroline Munro). The journey ahead will not be easy, mainly due to Koura following close behind and doing his damnedest to reclaim the key to great rewards. Unfortunately, each bit of black magic that he performs drains away some more of his life force.

This time around it's Gordon Hessler in the director's chair and Brian Clemens on scripting duties, but Mr. Harryhausen remains the one constant. His contributions here include two of the very best stop motion creatures to come from his imagination, with one being a wooden figurehead brought to life and the other being that aforementioned statue of Kali, with all six arms wielding a sword.

John Phillip Law is okay as Sinbad, but it's always more fun to watch the wonderful Tom Baker in his villainous role or just soak up the beauty of Caroline Munro. Kurt Christian provides the comic relief, Douglas Wilmer and Martin Shaw do their bit, but the more important thing to remember is that there's also a one-eyed centaur, a griffin and a few other magical creatures onscreen to keep things entertaining.

The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad has all of the ingredients to make for a fun adventure - the magic, the exotic, fictional locations, the menagerie of opponents for the hero to overcome, the Caroline Munro - so it's an easy film to recommend to those who enjoy this kind of pure escapist fantasy fun. It just doesn't hit the heights of other Harryhausen films, for me, though I'm almost certain that I'm in the minority with that opinion.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sinbad-Eye-Tiger-Voyage-Golden/dp/B002JF3FU6/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1369248064&sr=8-2&keywords=the+golden+voyage+of+sinbad

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

I don't know what the general consensus is on this Hammer horror movie but, for me, it's one of the worst of the lot featuring our favourite fanged count. Even if it is also amusingly groovy.

No, no, NO, don't look at the camera.

After Dracula (Christopher Lee) is yet again laid to rest by the brave Van Helsing we move forward to the Britain of the seventies where one of the Count's followers (Christopher Neame as Johnny Alucard) is doing his best to bring the master back to life, allowing him to exact his revenge on the descendants of Van Helsing (Peter Cushing is on board for this instalment and also has a granddaughter played by Stephanie Beacham).

No, no, NO, DON'T look at the camera.

Directed by Alan Gibson and written by Don Houghton, this vampire movie suffers from a number of distracting flaws. First of all, the updating of the ongoing battle between Dracula and Van Helsing to the 1970s makes the movie, ironically, appear much more dated than any other movie in Hammer's Dracula series. Then we have the terrible acting. Cushing and Lee are as good as ever but the support from the "hip youngsters" is cringeworthy. Beacham doesn't do well but even her poor performance is better than most of the others on screen, with the exception of the gorgeous and magnetic Caroline Munro - who is gorgeous and magnetic and I won't hear any different.

Ahhh Caroline, you can look at the camera if you want to. No? Okay.

Everything is flat and unexciting, from the painful script that strives to be down with the kids to the execution of the few set-pieces, and we get a distinct lack of any pleasing bloodletting or lusty behaviour to compensate for the many dull moments.

This photo highlights the complete lack of bloodletting or lusty behaviour.

Is there any way it could be made any worse? Maybe a gratuitous scene featuring a couple of ear-hurting musical numbers from "Stoneground" - who also get namecheked as if they were appearing on some Saturday kid's TV show - with one or two of the band members doing their best to stare at the camera whenever they get the chance (see the top pic as an example). It's a testament to their presence that Lee and Cushing manage to raise this movie to the tier of average. Without them, it would definitely rank even lower.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dracula-D-1972-DVD-Christopher/dp/B000B7KXDG/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1354657613&sr=1-1