For It Is Man's Number: jeff kirkendall

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Thursday, 18 December 2025

Sister Krampus (2021)

When you are struggling to think up a title for your cheap Krampus movie then you can just add some kind of family connection. Krampus has been a mother, a granny, and now a sister (although the use of the word sister here is tied to the fact that one central character is a nun). And very few of those incarnations were actually good.

Rebecca Rinehart and Marie DeLorenzo are Mary and Jodi, two sisters travelling around parts of Europe on holiday. They encounter a nun (Danielle Donahue) one day, soon being informed that she is not as friendly as she appears. She is, in fact, Sister Krampus, a being out for revenge since suffering horrible abuse at the hands of some American soldiers many years ago.

Directed by Anthony Polonia and Mark Polonia AKA The Polonia Brothers, this is a film very much in line with many others they have helmed. It's very cheap, it's full of many scenes that just feel like filler, and there's a role for their regular collaborator, Jeff Kirkendall. If you have dived into the waters of independent horror movies, especially those that make use of certain buzz-words in titles that don't necessarily have anything to do with the actual films, then, for better or worse, you will be aware of The Polonia Brothers. This is far from their worst work.

Mark Polonia also co-wrote the screenplay with Orville Buttress, based on an idea by Ron Bonk, a producer who seems to have been "inspired" to share his story ideas many times throughout his career, but I suspect a helping of rambling improv could have been better than this weak dialogue. You might remember one or two things about this after the end credits have rolled, but the screenplay is unlikely to linger for more than a minute.

Rinehart and DeLorenzo aren't terrible. They're just not very good. That hasn't stopped others having a long and enduring acting career though. Speaking of which . . . Kirkendall continues to be a strangely welcome presence, despite his many obvious limitations. Donahue has to look intense and irked, and does fine, and Yolie Canales does very well as a brusque, but ultimately helpful, woman named Ezmirelda.

Like many Polonia Brothers movies, this is cheap in a way that seems to revel in the cheapness. It's all very amateur hour, but lacks the charm and appeal of something made by someone who has tried hard to make their one and only movie, probably because these film-makers are nearing their one hundredth feature.

I've STILL seen worse, but I doubt many others who stumble across this would be able to say the same. It's bad. Not incredibly painful, but definitely far down the tree when it comes to ranking holiday horror movies.

3/10

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Thursday, 15 June 2023

Cocaine Shark (2023)

Yes, a LOT of films riffing on the title were greenlit as soon as the buzz started growing around Cocaine Bear and, yes, expecting them to be any good would be foolish. As I have said many times before, however, I am rarely mistaken for a genius. I didn't expect greatness Cocaine Shark, but I was hoping that it might be silly fun. Well . . . it sure was silly.

Titus Himmelberger plays an undercover cop named Neil (a character referenced pretty much everywhere else on the internet as Nick, which means either everywhere else is wrong or I missed his real name being mentioned, with Neil perhaps being his undercover alias). He spends most of the movie narrating his tale from a hospital bed, and it’s a tale of super-strong drugs and mutant creatures. There’s a powerful drug baron to put a stop to (Guarisco, played by Ken Van Sant), an attractive woman (Persephone, played by the wife of Titus, although this is also according to what I found on the internet, Natalie Himmelberger), and numerous henchmen to be dealt with. And sharks, although that word is being used in the loosest possible sense.

Director Mark Polonia has developed quite the fanbase throughout his career, leaning further into his ability to craft micro-budget creature features and “mockbusters”, and there were times during this movie that made me smile. The shonky special effects that cost less than that prolific paperback copy of Jaws found in every charity shop, the ridiculous dialogue trying to briefly explain some science, and the neo-noir nonsense had a certain charm. But it’s all part of a movie that grinds you down by doing everything in a way that is surprisingly dull. Writer Bando Glutz only needs to fill about an hour of runtime, in between the opening credits, which are re-used for the closing credits, but he cannot bring the separate story elements together in a way that is as fun or entertaining as they should be.

As for the acting, well, I have seen worse. Although not actually good in his role, Titus Himmelberger tries to stay comfortably within the standard “grizzled tough guy” mould. Natalie does a slightly better job, helped by the fact that she has a look that works well for her role of potential femme fatale. Nobody else is worth mentioning, and, in this instance, I would rather choose to say nothing if I have nothing good to say.

There was a way to make this work. Sharks can often be depicted without showing them front and centre. Just mix in stock footage with people being worried as they watch the surface of the water. Use ominous music to remind everyone of the constant threat. But that would take a bit more effort and creativity, and Polonia seems to prefer getting something made as quickly and cheaply as possible, selling a timely title without worrying about the quality of the movie attached to it. Trust me, I could show you screenshots from this film that would make you think I had just used my bad photoshop skills to create something that would make you think it was from a PSOne game, probably called Fin Commander, but I fear I have already wasted too much of my time, and yours, on this.

It won’t stop me watching other films titled to cash in on Cocaine Bear though. My foolishness actually means I will probably prioritise them over much worthier viewing choices.

2/10