Yes, a LOT of films riffing on the title were greenlit as soon as the buzz started growing around Cocaine Bear and, yes, expecting them to be any good would be foolish. As I have said many times before, however, I am rarely mistaken for a genius. I didn't expect greatness Cocaine Shark, but I was hoping that it might be silly fun. Well . . . it sure was silly.
Titus Himmelberger plays an undercover cop named Neil (a character referenced pretty much everywhere else on the internet as Nick, which means either everywhere else is wrong or I missed his real name being mentioned, with Neil perhaps being his undercover alias). He spends most of the movie narrating his tale from a hospital bed, and it’s a tale of super-strong drugs and mutant creatures. There’s a powerful drug baron to put a stop to (Guarisco, played by Ken Van Sant), an attractive woman (Persephone, played by the wife of Titus, although this is also according to what I found on the internet, Natalie Himmelberger), and numerous henchmen to be dealt with. And sharks, although that word is being used in the loosest possible sense.
Director Mark Polonia has developed quite the fanbase throughout his career, leaning further into his ability to craft micro-budget creature features and “mockbusters”, and there were times during this movie that made me smile. The shonky special effects that cost less than that prolific paperback copy of Jaws found in every charity shop, the ridiculous dialogue trying to briefly explain some science, and the neo-noir nonsense had a certain charm. But it’s all part of a movie that grinds you down by doing everything in a way that is surprisingly dull. Writer Bando Glutz only needs to fill about an hour of runtime, in between the opening credits, which are re-used for the closing credits, but he cannot bring the separate story elements together in a way that is as fun or entertaining as they should be.
As for the acting, well, I have seen worse. Although not actually good in his role, Titus Himmelberger tries to stay comfortably within the standard “grizzled tough guy” mould. Natalie does a slightly better job, helped by the fact that she has a look that works well for her role of potential femme fatale. Nobody else is worth mentioning, and, in this instance, I would rather choose to say nothing if I have nothing good to say.
There was a way to make this work. Sharks can often be depicted without showing them front and centre. Just mix in stock footage with people being worried as they watch the surface of the water. Use ominous music to remind everyone of the constant threat. But that would take a bit more effort and creativity, and Polonia seems to prefer getting something made as quickly and cheaply as possible, selling a timely title without worrying about the quality of the movie attached to it. Trust me, I could show you screenshots from this film that would make you think I had just used my bad photoshop skills to create something that would make you think it was from a PSOne game, probably called Fin Commander, but I fear I have already wasted too much of my time, and yours, on this.
It won’t stop me watching other films titled to cash in on Cocaine Bear though. My foolishness actually means I will probably prioritise them over much worthier viewing choices.
2/10
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