Mubi Monday: The Nest (2020)

Writer-director Sean Durkin has been doing great work for about two decades. He's not the most prolific artist, but anything he puts his name to tends to be worth your time. The Nest is no exception, and the title might clue you in to the tone. A nest can be a lovely thing, something you see up high as birds come and go, but it can also be something dark and dangerous, like a nest of vipers. The setting here could go either way, depending on how the characters opt to live a lie or accept a number of harsh truths.

Jude Law is Rory O'Hara, a risk-taking entrepeneur who moves back to England with his American family. His wife, Allison (Carrie Coon), is tiring of a life that seems to be all a facade as they struggle to regain financial stability, and the children (Sam, played by Oona Roche, and Ben, played by Charlie Shotwell) have their own standard problems, exacerbated by the fact that their parents are tarred with the brush of "new money vulgarity". If money can't buy happiness, pretending to have more money than you actually do is a recipe for even more misery than usual.

I would say that we've all been in situations when we pretend to be financially okay. Whether it's getting Christmas presents sorted for loved ones, trying to fudge the numbers while applying for a loan or mortgage that we pretend isn't going to be an absolute life-line, or just having that big night out with friends just a week or two after the last big night out that the bank balance has yet to recover from. Things are on a different level for those who have had large amounts of money though. There are wealthy people who are often cash-poor (I THINK that is the right phrasing), and any small financial bumps are too often dismissed while they can continue to access their friends and social circles that allow them access. Someone who is as poor as so many in the world today are will panic and scrabble to find one extra pound. Someone who is rich will often only start to sweat when they're no longer afforded entry to the private member club that keeps allowing them to ring up a hefty bar bill while they entertain potential clients. And they'll still have a hundred more ways to get some immediate cash than someone in dire need.

The Nest looks at this, and does it by brilliantly presenting us with someone who looks every inch a success. It's Jude Law. How can Jude Law have the appearance and confidence of Jude Law while not being a resounding success? Well, one bad decision after another can create a lot of changes behind the scenes. But he's determined to fake it until he once again makes it. The fact that he is somehow relishing the challenge while Coon's character has grown completely exhausted, and disgusted, with the whole charade shows a dynamic that I suspect has played out in a number of households featuring similarly inconsistent incomes. 

Law is very good in the main role here. His desperation starts to show more clearly as the film progresses, but he's always trying to regroup and redirect things if he can, ready to set up the one big deal that he needs to get things back on track. Coon has much more fun. The fact that her character is so unhappy for most of the runtime makes it all the more enjoyable when she dispenses with politeness and pretence to pointedly undermine her husband. She's brilliantly blunt and cutting, and her dwindling amount of care for how they are perceived by others is a refreshing breath of fresh air amidst the stifling atmosphere of business chat and displays of wealth. Both Roche and Shotwell do well, and their inclusion lets Durkin show how the actions of Law continually impact more than just himself, even if he doesn't want to acknowledge that fact.

Not an easy watch, and not exactly a happy-go-lucky time, The Nest is nevertheless a gripping drama that takes some interesting twists and turns on the way to a surprisingly satisfying final scene. It's a slow burn, and some may not want to spend time alongside the main characters for 107-minutes, but it's a fascinating exploration of the mindset and character of someone who has had a taste of the good life and subsequently never wants to let it go. 

8/10

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Prime Time: The Order (2024)

With Justin Kurzel in the director's chair, a cast that includes Jude Law, Nicholas Hoult, Tye Sheridan, and Marc Maron (in a small, but pivotal role), and some gritty subject matter that relates to dangerous idiots who want what they see as a more pure version of their country, I was absolutely certain that The Order was a film to put high on my list of viewing priorities. I wasn't wrong.

Law plays Terry Husk, FBI agent, a man who believes that a number of robberies are being committed with some extra motivation. The robbers want the money, of course, but that money is for a very specific purpose. Sheridan is Jamie Bowen, a young officer who ends up helping him in his investigation. There are a number of bad people needing chased down here, but the one who ends up being the most dangerous ring-leader is Bob Mathews (Hoult), a white supremacist who plans to declare war on what he sees as a misguided and damaged America.

Based on a book, "The Silent Brotherhood", by Kevin Flynn and Gary Gerhardt, The Order benefits from a great screenplay by Zach Baylin that ties everything together and shows how these ignorant racists have spent decades working from the same playbook (literally, considering how a work called "The Turner Diaries" seems to be a common link between a number of acts of domestic terrorism). It also has an excellent main cast doing some A+ work.

Law is as good as he's ever been, playing the standard cop who won't stop following the trail that we've seen many times before. He doesn't really care about himself, but he soon shows that he does care about how others around him may be hurt, especially if they're unprepared. And almost everyone around him seems relatively unprepared. Hoult does well to feel constantly dangerous and menacing without turning himself into a moustache-twirling villain. He's undoubtedly the big baddie, but he's also a normal man who believes that he's doing something for some noble purpose. Sheridan is a pleasing mix of good instinct and vulnerability, and Jurnee Smollett does well to shoulder her way through all of the testosterone for one or two little moments. As for Maron, his casting is perfect, and his voice is used well for a number of scenes before we see him, briefly, in the moment that made his character, Alan Berg, a shocking chapter in the ongoing history of white supremacist violence in the USA.

Kurzel seemed to lose his way slightly after making such an impact with his phenomenal feature debut, Snowtown, but he's certainly found his way back in over the past few years. I hope that he continues to make films as good as this one (I've also heard great things about Nitram, but have yet to see that one), which has a great blend of commentary, tension, and even standard action thrills here and there. I may even forgive him one day for the two major mis-steps he made with Michael Fassbender as his leading man.

8/10

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King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword (2017)

Yes, I forgot this existed. Yes, I am sure many of you also forgot about it. It certainly hasn’t endured in the way some other cinematic depictions of the King Arthur tale have endured. That’s probably down to it being quite a bad film.

Charlie Hunnam plays Arthur. He isn’t a king, unaware of his destiny, but he is the kind of determined rogue who can lead a group of men in a campaign against the tyranny of the current ruler of the land (played by Jude Law). Hunnam has the loyalty of a group that includes Djimon Hounsou, Aidan Gillen, Neil Maskell, and a few others.

Written by Joby Harold, Lionel Wigram, and director Guy Ritchie, this is a film that could just as easily have been called Geezers Of The Round Table, and your enjoyment of it will depend completely on what you think of that phrase. I rolled my eyes as soon as I realised what I had let myself in for, and the film generally lived up to my painful expectations.

I wouldn’t say that this is a film everyone should avoid. The special effects are pretty good throughout, although there’s a tiresome overuse of CGI throughout, and Ritchie makes some stylistic choices during the action sequences that Zack Snyder would be envious of. He has a vision, whether you like it or not, and he sticks to that vision from start to finish. While that juxtaposition of style and content didn’t work for me at all, others may enjoy what is sold as a fresh take on a classic tale.

I cannot really complain about Hunnam in the lead role, he definitely has a certain charisma that helps to make up for weaknesses elsewhere, but the real fun comes from the supporting cast. Hounsou is great, Gillen and Maskell are fun, and Law makes for a hugely entertaining and irredeemable villain. There are also enjoyable turns from Eric Bana, Geoff Bell, Peter Ferdinando, and a few other familiar faces (including David Beckham in a cameo that he does okay with). The women don’t fare as well, sadly, but that at least allows them to forget this is even on those C.V.

Maybe I would enjoy this more if in a better mood, but I certainly went into it with my usual readiness to be entertained or impressed. This did neither, and I could feel Ritchie and the cast all working harder to ensure that this felt more like a romp than the retelling of Arthurian legend. Unfortunately, feeling that energy so misdirected just made me like it even less. Technically fine, and the cast could have done even better with a script that worked, but this turned out to be a knight I would rather forget.

4/10

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Mubi Monday: Shopping (1994)

The feature film debut from writer-director Paul W. S. Anderson, Shopping is an energetic slice of nihilism that places a number of pre-stardom UK names in a plot that often feels lifted from the Grand Theft Auto videogame series.

Jude Law plays Billy, a car thief who enjoys crashing into stores, looting some goods, and escaping with a number of keepsakes. He also enjoys picking a speedy car and teasing cops into a road chase he knows he will win. Sadie Frost is Jo, the woman who often feels like Mallory to Billy’s Mickey (albeit in a much less psychotic and murderous way). Having recently been released from a short stint in prison, you might think that Billy would be wanting to keep a low profile for a while, but that isn’t the case. Billy wants to continue on his many “shopping” trips, much to the chagrin of Tommy (Sean Pertwee), a man who finds his criminal business empire shaken up whenever Billy brings too much heat down on the local area.

There’s enough to enjoy here, despite the fact that the script isn’t strong enough to bring everything together in a truly satisfying way. Fair play to Anderson for refusing to make a British film that feels like a hundred other British films, and fair play to the person responsible for the casting, but there’s not much actual character development, and the dialogue is usually laughable and cheesy.

Law and Frost don’t work as well in the lead roles either, despite both being relatively good actors in other movies. Law feels okay when being cocky and confident, but doesn’t convince as much when having to mope around and convey the hurt and anger that helped to make him what he is. Frost tries too hard to be cool and tough, hindered by both the script and her attempt at what I think was supposed to be an Irish accent. Pertwee is excellent though, fitting well in his role. Jonathan Pryce is also very good as an authority figure keeping tabs on Law’s character, and there are small turns from Sean Bean, Eamonn Walker, and Ralph Ineson, among others. Marianne Faithful gets a notable position in the credits, but it’s nothing more than a brief cameo.

Whatever you may think of Anderson’s filmography, it’s easy to see why this worked well as a springboard to a career in the USA. He creates an intriguing, almost noir-like, version of modern Britain, tries to present some decent action, and has an impressive soundtrack to accompany the slick/grime visuals.

I wouldn’t recommend this as an essential watch, but there are worse things you could spend some time on. While Shopping may not hold up as any kind of modern classic, it feels like an important film for many of the people involved, both behind and in front of the camera. And it’s always nice to be reminded of film-makers who choose to make a bold statement, whether successful or not. This film is many things, but I think it certainly classifies as a bold statement.

6/10

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Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets Of Dumbledore (2022)

Okay, this is a bit better than the last movie in this dire series (yes, I'd love to just not watch them, but I feel compelled to remain a movie completist whenever possible), but that's a very low bar to surpass. Every attempt to wring more money from this world of magic just seems to dilute what made the original stories so great in the first place. The magic no longer feels impressive, it's tiresome. The same goes for the many characters and creatures onscreen. And the plot feels even more like tiresome padding than some very famous prequels I could mention. It doesn't help that Eddie Redmayne plays the main character, Newt Scamander, as if he is trying to hold in a bout of explosive diarrhea. He also has no warmth or charisma, I'm sorry to say, making him the least likeable person in a movie series that is supposed to have him at the front and centre.

The plot is more of the same. Gellert Grindelwald (this time played by Mads Mikkelsen) is making his move to reach a position of great power and start a war between the wizarding world and the muggles. Albus Dumbledore (Jude Law) has assembled a group of people to help throw a spanner in the works. He cannot act himself, mainly due to a blood pact (aka blood troth) the two men made, Dumbledore having acted a bit unwisely because he was in love with Grindelwald. And so it falls to Newt, his brother, Theseus (Callum Turner), 'Lally' Hicks (Jessica Williams), Bunty Broadacre (Newt's assistant, played by Victoria Yeates), Yusuf Kama (William Nadylam), and the brave and loyal, but dragged into the whole situation against his will, Jacob Kowalski (Dan Fogler) to hopefully put a stop to Grindelwald's scheme. Alongside him, Grindelwald is helped by Queenie Goldstein (Alison Sudol), Credence Barebone (Ezra Miller), and Vinda Rosier (Poppy Corby Tuech), as well as a number of others.

Director David Yates just cannot do enough to bring this series back on track, although he tries his best with the material he's given, written by J. K. Rowling, with Steve Kloves also helping to adapt the storyline into screenplay form. There are certainly some more highlights here than we got in the last film, including a suitcase-utilising, magical, equivalent of "the shell game", a foiled assassination attempt, and even the main plot strand showing Grindelwald putting things and people in place to apparently assure his rise to power. But the stuff that doesn't work feels so much worse because it all feels like padding, and because viewers are saddled with a blockbuster lead character who is possibly the very worst blockbuster lead character in modern cinema. It doesn't help that these films never feel as if they can ever end in a satisfying manner, always just being one chapter in a story that some would prefer was all over by now.

This isn't the "let's bash Eddie Redmayne again and again" hour so I am not going to say any more about him. I think I've made my feelings clear. The rest of the cast generally do good work, especially Mikkelsen, Tuech, and Miller, who are all impressive baddies. Fogler is once again a real highlight, especially when thrown into the middle of magical sequences that have him bravely looking to face off against people who could make him vanish with the flick of a wand, and having him paired up with Williams for what turns out to be the best scene in the film is a great move, especially with Williams also doing such great work. Everyone else is fine, although I do wonder how people were tracking Jude Law's accent, especially as he moves from sounding British to sounding American, and then to sounding like he's just departed from a job gigging with The Wurzels.

What else is there to say? Nothing, not really. The score is enjoyable enough, and full of familiar refrains, the action has plenty of fireworks in almost every scene, there's still not enough balance between the serious tone and the presentation of the material as family entertainment, but it's such a step up from the last instalment that I ended up pleasantly surprised. I won't revisit it, and am not keen to revisit any of these films, but I was actually entertained while it was on. Which is more than I can say about the previous film.

6/10

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Contagion (2011)

Yes, I was as curious as everyone else who had been watching Contagion over the past week or two. So I caved in and gave it a watch for myself. It had been sitting on my shelves for a couple of years, to be fair, and I figured that now was as good a time as any.

It's the tale of a global pandemic, as unbelievable as that sounds, which is all inadvertently started by a bat (I know, I know, impossible). The first person to be affected by things is Gwyneth Paltrow, getting such a dose of the virus that not even a vagina-scented candle can heal her. She is married to Matt Damon, and they have a teenaged daughter. Other people who end up closely working with the virus include Laurence Fishburne (as Dr. Ellis Cheever), Kate Winslet (Dr. Erin Mears), Marion Cotillard (Dr. Leonora Orantes), Elliott Gould (Dr. Ian Sussman), and an Australian (?) blogger, played by Jude Law.

Written by Scott Z. Burns and directed by Steven Soderbergh, allowing him to utilise the kind of interweaving and fractured narrative style that he seems to prefer for stories with a BIG picture, Contagion is a film that most definitely feels more like a documentary right now. The timeline shown at every step of the way is scarily close to what we're going through here and now. That may prove some comfort, but may also worry some people more who are already worried, so I am not sure if it's one to recommend at this time or not. Interestingly, the one main factor not explored enough in the movie is the HUGE economic impact, something many of us (who have lost jobs or income) are all acutely aware of right now. People being told to self-isolate without sick pay, people being laid off, many venues eerily empty, cinemas, galleries, and museums closed, and if you think folks are rushing out to buy a car or house in the middle of a global pandemic then you can think again. Contagion conveniently forgets to show us that massive upheaval, because these kind of things never affect the Matt Damons of the world.

The performances are all generally very good, especially Fishburne, Winslet, and Damon. The jarring exception to that rule is Law. I don't know who decided that his character needed an accent, and I still am not entirely sure where it was supposed to be from, but it's so bad that it ruins what could have been an absolutely fine, if unnecessary, addition to the plot. His character is there to antagonise those in charge, and to pull back the curtain, in a manner of speaking, while showing what is being hidden from the general public. The point being that it is often hidden because a) those who are in charge aren't much further ahead, in terms of knowing how to deal with the situation, and b) protecting the general public from their own actions is as important as curing the virus (something I think we can all agree on after having seen the disgraceful behaviour of many in recent days). I just wish that point could have been made without using Law's character.

Engrossing from start to finish, and with a nice balance between standard thriller tension and something far more grounded than you might usually get from this, Contagion is the global pandemic equivalent of The Andromeda Strain. Both are riveting without aiming to sensationalise things too much. And you get some scary facts interspersed throughout, although finding them out now may just be enough to help us consciously change some of our behaviours/habits when they most need changed.

It's also worth remembering the tagline: "nothing spreads like fear". Take heart in something fictional, even if it is hewing VERY close to where we are right now, and do so while taking whatever precautions have been deemed necessary to protect people from a particularly nasty bug doing the rounds right now. Then follow it up with Osmosis Jones. It's the virus/Laurence Fishburne double-bill you never knew you needed.

8/10

Contagion is available digitally, which saves you battling to the shops to buy it.

Mubi Monday: Vox Lux (2018)

The second feature from writer-director Brady Corbet, who has a filmography that also contains a number of acting roles from the past few couple of decades, Vox Lux is a film that suffers from a lack of focus. The annoying thing is that two central points that the movie revolves around are definitely a focus for the characters, but they're ultimately left too far in the background as we're left with a mediocre character study that doesn't have enough brilliance in either the script or the acting department to lift it up.

Having survived a horrific school shooting, Celeste (Raffey Cassidy) manages to use her new-found "fame" to build a career, one that has her singing alongside her sister, Eleanor (Stacy Martin). The first half of the movie shows the development of the two girls, as Celeste grows more and more into her role while Eleanor seems to fade into the background. We then cut forward by many years. Celeste (now played by Natalie Portman) is a bag of rock diva clichés, struggling to contain her nerves, her anger, and struggling to be the mother she might want to be to her daughter (Albertine, the second character played by Raffey Cassidy).

Although there may be a variety of influences here, the main ones would seem to be Nicolas Winding Refn (particularly in the third act, seeing how Portman's character performs her songs) and, strangely enough, Wes Anderson. Some people have already mentioned recognising the former, few have noted the latter, so it may just be my brain working improperly again. But the Willem Dafoe narration throughout, the problematic parenting, the low-key nature of scenes that could have easily been executed more bombastically, the mature behaviour of the young girls who are front and centre for the first half of the movie, and the very deliberate movements and carefully-considered speech of Portman (almost like a puppet at times when she has to be "on" for others) certainly had me thinking that there were enough similarities here with Anderson's usual checklist to make it worth noting.

People have been praising Portman's performance. I'm not sure why. She is bordering on the terrible here, helped in no way at all by the script. Celeste is that cartoonish idea of the personality you give a celebrity after you've met them once while they were having a bad day. Yes, there are darker depths and more interesting elements of her personality worth exploring, tied in with how her career began and what she has done to keep it going, but they are left aside as Corbet contents himself with moving from one soap opera moment to another. Both Martin and Cassidy do much better work, the latter excellent in both of her roles, although the second role is a much lesser one (where she feels like little more than a sounding board for her mother). Jude Law does alright with his turn, a savvy manager, and Jennifer Ehle does well in the few scenes that she has, playing the PR person handling a fairly difficult day. Both of those characters are also underdeveloped, but that's fine because they simply revolve around Celeste.

Corbet seems to be aiming for something more here. I'm sure there are others that have taken more from it. His biggest problem is his inability to identify and separate the better points to make from the trite moments. Indeed, he seems to absolutely confuse the two, spending much more time on the stale, weaker, material than on anything more thought-provoking and confrontational.

It looks pretty good throughout, and the very heart of the film makes it at least worth a watch, but this is ultimately a disappointing experience. I would recommend any of the movies from the other directors mentioned ahead of this, if you like their work, and I wouldn't be averse to the idea of someone one day taking this premise and reworking it into something more focused, and much better.

4/10

You will be able to buy it here.
Americans can buy it here.

Captain Marvel (2019)

We've been here many times before. You'll have seen a lot of people singing the praises of Captain Marvel and just as many people calling it the worst film they've seen in years. The reality, as it so often does, lies somewhere in the middle.

Another origin story, but one that's a bit different from so many of the others that we've already been given by Marvel, this tells the story of a Kree Starforce member named Vers (Brie Larson), a young woman who may have once been a human being named Carol Danvers. The Kree are currently engaged in a war with the Skrulls, and one battle leads to Vers ending up on Earth in the 1990s. There she meets Nick Fury (a youth-enised Samuel L. Jackson), fights more Skrulls (they can take on the form of anyone they have seen), and starts trying to piece together her past on the way to fulfilling her potential future.

There's a lot to like here, but almost as much to dislike, and it's a shame that so many people on both sides of a dividing line completely separate from the actual quality of the movie itself have decided to use their stances to attempt to build up or tear down Captain Marvel (both the film and Larson).

Let me start with the good. The cast are almost uniformly fantastic, with Larson yet another perfect choice by Marvel. Jackson works very well alongside her, and there's a lot of fun to be had wondering just when he will need the eyepatch we're all so used to him wearing, and the other big names are Jude Law (a Kree warrior/mentor figure), Ben Mendelsohn (appearing in both Skrull and non-Skrull form), and Annette Bening (playing a scientist, a memory, and an incarnation of a Supreme Intelligence . . . it makes sense when you watch the movie). As good as they all are, there are also excellent supporting turns from Lashana Lynch and Akira Akbar, portraying a mother and daughter who have a strong connection to Carol. In fact, Lynch and Akbar have some of the best moments with Larson that emphasise the empowering message of the movie.

Which leads me on to the next big plus point. Although this has been promoted with a message of positivity and strength for women, it also has plenty of other messages in the mix, with some that feel constant, and fairly standard in the realm of comic book movies, and one that feels very relevant, and very well-handled.

What else works? The humour, for the most part. There are numerous laughs to be had here, with targets ranging from the older tech of the '90s to the cuteness of a feline named Goose, but they're interspersed in a way that doesn't tip the balance away from the essence of the story - the superhero origin. There's also a great soundtrack, including big tunes from Elastica, Nirvana, and No Doubt. And then you have the world-building, with fans being allowed a nice sense of satisfaction as you see pieces being moved into place that have already been shown established in previous films.

Now to the bad stuff. Directors Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck, who also helped to write the screenplay, seem as confused and unsure of themselves as the central character does. The opening act is a muddied and fractured collage of scenes that you know will have some context by the end of the film, which doesn't make the start any more enjoyable, and the ending is almost impossible to care about. You get a twist everyone knows is coming from the very start of the movie, you get a superhero up there with Superman (which means they're so powerful that there doesn't seem to be any real threat to them), and none of the action sequences are put together with the care and polish that we've come to expect from these movies in recent years. It's also a dull movie, in terms of both the light levels (unless they were projecting it incorrectly at my local IMAX) and the visual style. Things brighten up once we're on '90s Earth but other moments that should be treats for the eyeballs just don't feel all that spectacular or . . . shiny. And that soundtrack? As good as it is, only one song really works for the scene it is in. The rest feel either completely unnecessary or are just there to sell soundtracks and allow some viewers to enjoy a warm glow of nostalgia. The biggest mis-step may be the way a song is used in a third act fight scene, with no attempt made to at least match the rhythm of the visuals to the audio or actually use the song as part of the experience. It plays. People fight. That's all you can say about the scene.

Despite me sounding like a crotchety old man, I found enough here to have a good time at the cinema. And I'll buy Captain Marvel when it comes to shiny disc. There's a decent middle section, a nice nod to The French Connection, a pinch of The Right Stuff, a moving Stan Lee tribute, and a statement about heroism that proves more effective than many of the others (how many times do we really need to see Tony Stark have fun in his suit and defeat baddies before then feeling tortured and guilty?). It's not a terrible film, not at all. But it's not a great film either. Compared to many of the other Marvel movies, since they started their proper schedule of dominating the box office, it falls short. Not at the bottom of the pile, but maybe just below the other titles I would have ranked in the middle section.

6/10

The movie will be available to buy here.
Americans will be able to get it digitally here.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald (2018)

LOOK AT HOW MUCH MONEY WE SPENT!

That's the main thing I took away from Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald, a film that proves, in no small measure, that the Wizarding World movie universe, once a consistent stream of brilliant blockbuster entertainment, has now turned into a turgid trickle of diminishing returns. Remember the uproar about the casting of Johnny Depp in this movie? He's the least of its problems.

LOOK AT EVERYTHING WE THREW INTO THIS SCENE!

Starting as it means to go on, there's an action sequence that shows Grindelwald escaping from his imprisonment. I think, given the title of the movie and the advertising, it's not a spoiler to reveal that. This could have been a good action sequence. It's lively, imaginative, and sets up the villain perfectly. It's also far too busy, messily edited, dark, and hard to find engaging. I must warn you now that every main action sequence in the rest of the film follows this pattern (well, okay, most of them are lighter so at least you can see more of what you can't really see, if you know what I mean). The plot sees Grindelwald (Johnny Depp) trying to get hold of a young man (Ezra Miller) who may hold the key to his plans regarding the uprising of the magical folk. Albus Dumbledore (Jude Law, ill-advisedly attempting some accent that I guess is meant to remind you that Richard Harris played the first elder incarnation) wants Newt Sacamander (Eddie Redmayne) to get to the young man first. Dumbledore cannot battle Grindelwald himself, for reasons that become apparent as the plot unfolds. Newt doesn't want to pick sides in whatever trouble is brewing, but it eventually becomes apparent that he won't have a choice.

LOOK AT THE BUDGET ALL OVER THIS SEQUENCE!

Sometimes I make myself sandwiches to eat for lunch at work. And sometimes I make them the night before, to save me being cold and bleary-eyed and miserable in the morning while I butter bread and throw stuff together. A tuna mayonnaise sandwich is a tasty treat. But if you make it the night before, and if you like as much mayo in there as I do, then it's a cold, soggy, squishy mess by the time you try to eat it for your lunch. Sadly, that sandwich still holds more warmth and appeal than most performances from Eddie Redmayne. It's not that he's a bad actor, and he seems like a lovely person when I have seen him interviewed, but he seems unable to exude any real charm or sweetness in his roles, including this one, where those traits are pretty vital. The problem may not lie with the cast, however, as very few people make a good impression here. Depp is excellent in his role, Law does a decent job, and Dan Fogler and Alison Sudol are once again very enjoyable in the roles of Jacob and Queenie, but Miller isn't allowed to feel like anything other than a plot device, Katherine Waterston maintains her record of putting in a performance that barely registers, Zoe Kravitz is stifled, Callum Turner is bad enough to make a suitable brother to Redmayne's character, and the less said about the casting of one or two other characters we have seen in the Harry Potter movies the better. Claudia Kim and Poppy Corby-Tuech both do better than most of the bigger names, a pleasant surprise considering their characters are really just cohorts of the main characters being pursued by our gang of "heroes". 

LOOK AT WHAT WE DID JUST BECAUSE WE COULD DO IT!

J. K. Rowling wrote the script for this and, while I wouldn't deign to pretend I know my way around a page of words better than one of the best-selling authors in the world, she seems to have lost her way. I'm not sure if it's down to this tale being stretced out beyond breaking point or if she just enjoyed losing herself in her own world so much that she forgot to edit, or think of how certain changes to her world for the sake of this series would change what fans already know (and if you ever think you have a good head for trivia then just try to outwit a Harry Potter fan and see how long you last). There are so many diversions here that are completely unnecessary, fan service that will only irritate who know what should and shouldn't be possible, and adding to a 2+ hour runtime in a film that should really be looking to pare down anything that doesn't keep the kids enthralled enough to forget about how they need the loo every 30 minutes.

LOOK AT ALL OF THE STUFF! WE DID THAT! WE PAID FOR THAT! LOVE US!

If Rowling is being rather self-indulgent and careless, director David Yates is enabling her every step of the way. There's not one scene here that doesn't feel ridiculously overstuffed with . . . things, be they CGI creatures, effects-filled environments, too many small characters who didn't need to be in shot, and sauce and garnish on things that would be arguably more effective served up without them. This is a hat that has a band placed around the brim. And that brim is given a pinned flower in the front. Then the rest of the hat has a full bouquet placed on the top. That bouquet has fake bees attached by wires, to look like they're buzzing around. And birds are placed higher up. There's still a hat in there somewhere, but nobody can tell whether or not it's a well-made model underneath all of the artistic additions.

IT'S ALL POINTLESS BUT LOOKS GREAT, RIGHT?

Ultimately, there's a basic level of competency here, and spectacle, that still merits giving the film some plus points. But it's very difficult to imagine anyone coming out of this with a sense of complete satisfaction. Younger viewers will get a bit bored, I suspect. Older viewers may also get a bit bored, and find some bits just too childish. Dedicated fans will find details that annoy them. Casual fans will wonder why the film is full of so many diversions that they may not appreciate. And film fans will be generally displeased that they sat through a magical fantasy film that a) didn't feel as magical as it should have, and b) ultimately ended up being fairly pointless filler, considering how things end compared to how they started.

You'll go and see it anyway, and it will make loads of money, but I don't recommend it. I still want a niffler though.

4/10

You will also be able to buy the movie here.
Americans will be able to get it here.