Bats: Human Harvest (2007)

I've seen movies that are much worse than Bats: Human Harvest. There are so many to choose from. At least half of them have the word "Amityville" in the title. So going by that low bar, Bats: Human Harvest isn't really that bad at all.

It's bad though. Very bad. Worst of all, it doesn't have anywhere near enough batty action to warrant being a sequel to Bats. And as for the "human harvest" part, that's REALLY overstating any kind of carnage you might expect the movie to deliver.

A bunch of army types run around in some woods and look to shoot some people. There are bats in the immediate vicinity. These bats cause some issues, but only in enough scenes to try and warrant the movie having the word "bats" in the title. There's also a bad scientist (Dr. Benton Walsh, played by Tomas Arana), and a woman who may or may not be helping the perceived good guys (Katya, played by Pollyanna McIntosh).

I'm not familiar with director Jamie Dixon, who has a filmography that shows his main role to be in the world of visual effects, and there's nothing here that will make me ever want to see either his first film or anything else he may end up helming. It's hard to give him all of the blame though, particularly when the script by Chris Denk and Brett Merryman is so weak. Even for this kind of venture, it's bad. No part of this script works to engage viewers, from the slipshod plotting to the weak characterisations, which is my way of forewarning you that I'll not be going into detail about ANY of the thin characters thrown around in this mess.

Arana isn't bad as the scientist who has created some dangerous bats, and the rest of the cast includes David Chokachi, Michael Jace, Martin Papazian, and Melissa De Sousa, but the only one standing out, for both the right and wrong reasons, is McIntosh. She's her usual striking self, she's allowed to utter her dialogue in an amusingly clumsy accent, and she at least makes most of her scenes seem fun, which is more than anyone else manages. Sadly, she won't be a big enough draw for many people, but I have been a fan of her work for many years, so that gets the film a bonus point.

This is a schedule-filler, nothing more and nothing less, but even a schedule-filler doesn't have to be this bad. If you're not going to include many scenes with actual bats then let the cast onscreen have some decent action, and if you're not going to let the cast onscreen have some decent action then throw in more scenes with actual bats. This does neither, making it hard to consider as an option for even the most easily entertained of viewers (like myself).

3/10

June-Claude Van Damme: Derailed (2002)

And so it has come to this at last, the film that I deem the very worst yet in the filmography of Jean-Claude Camille François Van Varenberg. There are still a couple of his films that I have never seen, at this moment, but I cannot imagine anything worse than this. Just how bad is it? Well it feels as if it was originally created as a vehicle for Steven Seagal. Not prime Seagal, no, but the Seagal of today. It's THAT bad.

Yet it still manages to avoid the very lowest rating possible, mainly because I have a soft spot for both Van Damme and Laura Harting, who at least has a sizable role here.

The plot sees JCVD meeting up with Harring and escorting her on a train journey. Going along with them is a batch of a nasty viral weapon, a very dangerous strain of smallpox, that has to be kept safe. Harting stole it, some baddies want it, action thriller hijinks ensue.

It's easy to pin down what doesn't work here because there is pretty much nothing that works. From the script to direction, this is a film almost farcical in how slapdash and cheap the whole thing feels. The motivation for the characters never feels anywhere close to plausible, things are overly complicated at times when a simpler approach would have worked better, and I should mention that the the writers, Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch, also decide to get Van Damme's family (wife and children, with his onscreen son played by one of his actual children, Kristopher Van Varenberg) on board the dangerous train. That is the sort of thing that might prove amusing in some of the other scripts that Anderson and Gierasch have written, including some fun creature features, but it feels far too contrived here.

Director Bob Misiorowski has, unsurprisingly, not directed any other movie after this one. Considering the lack of skill on display here, I can only be thankful that he's yet to find another idea he wants to turn into an ugly mess. Had it not been for the presence of the two leads here, this would be a film without any redeemable qualities. Visuals, score, special effects, all are poor. In fact, some of the special effects and stunt sequences in the second half of the film are SO bad that you would be forgiven for thinking that you were watching some spoof co-created by the Zucker brothers. I defy anyone to watch the moment that features Van Damme riding a bike across the top of the train and tell me that they believed it was really happening. I made more realistic set-pieces when I was a child playing with my Action Man figures.

Nobody else in the cast is too recognisable so I won't bother listing them here. Tomas Arana plays the villain of the piece, and does so on a par with many of the other supporting players, sadly. Susan Gibney is a little better, playing Van Damme's wife, but, bearing in mind that it's better to say nothing at all if you cannot say anything nice, I won't comment on anyone else.

If this wasn't a Van Damme movie then I would never have checked it out. If Laura Harring hadn't been his co-star then I probably wouldn't have made it beyond the first 10 minutes. Not recommended. Not recommended at all. You could say that the title was picked as much for the state of Van Damme's career as it was for the relevance to the plot.

2/10

Brave souls can buy it here.
Brave American souls can buy it here.

The Church (1989)

Directed by Michele Soavi, The Church is, allegedly, an official sequel to the Demons movies. I'm not sure who decided that, considering that it bears very little resemblance to those other films, beyond the superficial similarities (e.g. some people in a building, and some demons causing problems).

The plot is much more reminiscent of Prince Of Darkness, dealing with a group of people in a church who are unfortunate enough to witness something truly evil arising. Perhaps. There's a priest (Hugh Quarshie) who might be able to help good triumph over any demonic attack, a couple of scholarly, but not old and dull, folks (Tomas Arana and Barbara Cupisti) who might also be able to help, if they're not too busy making eyes at one another and putting themselves in potential danger, and there's a young girl (Asia Argento) who knows a secret way in and out of the church that might just prove useful at some point.

The strangest thing about The Church is that it feels so dull, despite the fact that so much wonderful imagery is thrown around in the second half of the movie. There's a decent amount of gore, some real nastiness, and an air of sleaziness that fans of Italian horror should enjoy. This is the sort of movie in which you can feel the clammy presence oozing from every dark crevice of the featured building while also feeling the hot, uncomfortable looks that certain characters give to others as they come under the influence of evil.

Quarshie is pretty solid in his role, while Arana and Cupisti both make for decent potential leads until they're somewhat sidelined in the third act. Argento doesn't have to stretch herself, and is just fine, while genre fave Giovanni Lombardo Radice also joins in with the fun, accompanied by Feodor Chaliapin Jr, Antonella Vitale and Robert Caruso, among others.

Soavi's direction is as fluid and stylish as usual, and the screenplay (by Dario Argento, Franco Ferrini, and Soavi, as well as a few other helpers) tries to set everything up seriously, but makes the whole thing just that little bit absurd. The opening sequence alone feels like an outtake from Monty Python And The Holy Grail, and that's before you get to the scenes that show people talking about the history of the church and what discoveries might be made there AKA the laughably clumsy exposition moments.

But there's gore, death, lust, a score that uses Goblin, Philip Glass, Keith Emerson and Fabio Pignatelli, and some memorable imagery. Which is often all you need from these movies.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Church-Hugh-Quarshie/dp/B000TZJCMS/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1411850939&sr=1-1&keywords=the+church

Frankenfish (2004)

With a title like Frankenfish you can't really expect highbrow entertainment when the opening titles start up and, unsurprisingly, that's not what you get. Instead, this is a fun creature feature that suffers from budgetary limitations, but tries to make up for such shortcomings with energy and a sense of humour. It doesn't quite do enough to be a good film, but it does enough to avoid being something unwatchable.

Tory Kittles plays Sam Rivers and China Chow is Mary Callahan in this tale of a killer fish that has been causing some trouble in the bayou. Sam and Mary are sent to investigate the death of a fisherman and it quickly becomes clear that Sam is comfortable in the environment, having grown up there, while Mary certainly isn't. The locals living in the bayou are slightly worried, understandably, but they start to feel worse when it becomes obvious that the fish has returned. And it's hungry.

While it may be more Lake Placid than SyFy original (like . . . . . ummm . . . Lake Placid 2), Frankenfish can't quite do enough to make up for its many shortcomings. It tries very hard, thanks to the enjoyable assortment of characters and the flavour of the bayou being played up to distract from the variable SFX work, but there are just too many moments that serve to remind viewers that a lot of work has been done to raise this up to the level of b-movie.

Director Mark A. Z. Dippe doesn't do too bad, thanks to the script by Simon Barrett and Scott Clevenger, but I can't help thinking that more could have been done to reward the cast. Kittles and Chow are both okay, and the supporting cast includes the likes of K. D. Aubert and Donna Biscoe having fun while Reggie Lee and Mark Boone Junior do decent work with their small roles.

Not one to watch if you have a big pile of other movies to choose from, Frankenfish will help you kill 90 minutes whenever you're in the mood for a half-decent creature feature.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Frankenfish-DVD-Tory-Kittles/dp/B0002W12B2/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1361296629&sr=1-1