Tinsel Town (2025)

It's no surprise to find that Tinsel Town is directed by Chris Foggin. He's done comforting family-friendly fare a few times now, and has at least one other Christmas movie under his belt. The surprise comes from the fact that this formulaic bit of fun needed at least three main writers, as well as additional material from three other contributors (apparently). Maybe that's why it's so inconsistent though. Some of the expected scenes fall flat, but a few moments really hit the spot. And I was pleasantly surprised to find the panto moments actually feeling like panto moments.

Kiefer Sutherland stars here as Bradley Mack, a movie star who has coasted along on the success of an action movie franchise for some time now. He's not viewed as a great actor though, nor as a great human being. In fact, he's lazy, entitled, and about to crash back down to earth when his agent send him for a theatre gig in England that is actually panto in a small village. There's no way out of it. Bradley can't afford the price it would cost to wangle out of the contract he signed without reading it. So he ends up grumpy in the company of Cassandra (Meera Syal), Jill (Rebel Wilson), a pair of ugly sisters (Asim Chaudhry and Jason Manford), among others. On the plus side, he can spend some quality time with his young daughter, Emma (Matilda Firth). If he can stop being so selfish and self-pitying for long enough.

There's certainly fun to be had here. The lead character being bamboozled by his English village surroundings, and the very notion of panto, allows for some chuckles, as does the occasional angry outburst. There's even an effective musical number for Sutherland, while his character is in his full costume for Buttons, his panto role. The expected transformation of our lead isn't handled very well though, it's more a series of sudden turnarounds than a gradual journey to a much better place, and a few elements feel like they should have some more impact on the plot. Danny Dyer is a local bad boy, Kieran, who antagonises people, but could have ultimately been left out of the movie. The same goes for a minor sub-plot about a number of local burglaries, which may or may not have been sanctioned by Kieran.

While Foggin directs well enough, the awkward screenplay leaves everything in the hands of the cast. Sutherland is a big plus in the main role, and game enough to fully embrace his panto turn (once his character finds out that there's no way out of it), Katherine Ryan has a few fun moments as the angry agent, and young Firth does well as the child who retains faith in a man that many others have long since given up on. Derek Jacobi also brings something special to the project, especially in a key scene that explains how someone can keep the theatre at the heart of their life. Wilson isn't so good, to put it mildly. Not only is she stuck delivering a standard dramatic turn, she's also required to do so (for some reason) with a Yorkshire accent. It's not a great delivery, and that choice feels like it could have been easily swerved with one explanatory line of dialogue. Chaudhry and Manford are fun, Lucien Laviscount and Savannah Lee Smith are pleasant enough, and Dyer does what Dyer does. Alice Eve and James Lance are sadly wasted though, and it's a shame that the actual Yorkshire setting isn't given more of a supporting role.

The good just about outweighs the bad, but it's a very close call. The extra writers seem to have tried to overstuff the runtime, the cast could all have been given pages for at least three very different films, and there's a disappointing lack of full-on Christmas sweetness for the majority of the runtime. It really nails that panto atmosphere at times though, and the final scenes are sweet, funny, and rewarding. Which means it should at least leave you with a smile on your face as the end credits roll.

5/10

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Netflix And Chill: Cold Comes The Night (2013)

Alice Eve stars in this film. I like Alice Eve. Bryan Cranston also stars in this film. I like Bryan Cranston. Logan Marshall-Green makes it three for three, even if I don't like him as much as I like the other two. So I figured that I might enjoy Cold Comes The Night, despite hearing bad things about it. I became even more optimistic when I saw Osgood Perkins as one of the co-writers. That optimism quickly disappeared as the film started to play out.

Alice Eve is Chloe, a woman having a hard time of things. She's trying to keep custody of her daughter (Sophia, played by Ursula Parker), trying to run a far-from-idyllic motel, and not on best terms with her ex (a cop named Billy, played by Marshall-Green, she has had an affair with). Things go from bad to worse when someone is killed on the motel premises, and that someone was supposed to be working with a dangerous criminal named Topo (Cranston). Chloe ends up enlisted by Topo to help finish a job that has been started, but she also sees a way that she might be able to turn the situation to her advantage, especially when she realises how visually-impaired Topo is.

I've not seen anything else from director Tze Chun, who also co-wrote the screenplay with Perkins and Nick Simon, and I'm unlikely to now rush to anything else with his name on it. Cold Comes The Night is pretty awful, and it feels even worse because of how the main cast members have their talents squandered. Every character and moment feels like an inferior copy from numerous other movies. It's a VHS that has been used to record the Christmas Day TV schedule on long play for two decades, with any real detail or entertainment value now completely obscured by shadows and lots of static. 

Eve tries to make things work, despite the fact that she has once again picked a dud to star in, and Marshall-Green has one or two moments that at least punctuate the tiresome awfulness of the whole thing, but Cranston overshadows both of them, and not at all for the right reasons. His accent, his physical performance, his energy in every moment just feels completely wrong, which is at odds with how well he does with better material.

I want to be angry at this, if only on behalf of the main cast members who surely thought they were signing on for something a bit better, but I can't even do that. There's nothing here to fuel my rage because, well, there's nothing here. The cinematography is unexceptional, the score is unexceptional, the editing is . . . etc, I'm sure you see what I'm getting at. I'm not even really angry at Chun. He doesn't put any stamp on the film, and I can go through my life fairly safe in the knowledge that I'll have probably forgotten his name by the time I ever, IF I ever, see another film from him.

I didn't like this very much, which I think I have made very obvious, and I'll hopefully never have to think of it again after today.

3/10

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Prime Time: Freelance (2023)

An action comedy that puts John Cena in the lead role, but forgets about giving him any decent action or comedy moments to work with, Freelance is the movie equivalent of a very wet raspberry blown in the face of unsuspecting viewers. I had already heard some negative opinions on it, but I made the common mistake of thinking "how bad could it be?" It was bad, very bad indeed.

Cena plays Mason Pettits, an ex-special forces man who takes on a routine job that should give him a large payday for very little effort. Yeah, like that always works out. He is escorting a journalist (Claire Wellington, played by Alison Brie) on her way to an interview with a dictator (Venegas, played by Juan Pablo Raba). Unfortunately, all three find themselves in trouble when they end up amidst a military coup. Pettits needs to keep people safe, despite wanting nothing more than deadly revenge against Venegas, due to the dicactor causing the death of a number of his military colleagues some time ago.

Although director Pierre Morel has been helming various action movies for the past two decades, he doesn't seem to have the ability to fix a weak script, and Jacob Lentz makes his feature film writing debut with one hell of a weak script. The characters are paper-thin (Pettits is unhappy with his later career choice while he is "just" a lawyer, and he has a wife and daughter to consider nowadays, while both Brie and Raba seem to have one main moment each, a point in their journey that changes the direction of their lives), the comedy is non-existent, and the plotting is lazy and careless. Not one of the action sequences impress, and it's generally impossible to care about main characters who seem quite invincible from their first moments onscreen anyway.

Cena is a fun and likable screen presence, and can also be very funny, but you wouldn't get that impression from this film. There are a lot more laughs gleaned from his role in the 2024 Oscar ceremony than there are gleaned from this. This is a laugh-free zone. Brie is someone I have enjoyed in a number of roles, but she struggles to do as well in feature films as she does on the small screen. Maybe I am forgetting some of her better work, maybe she just isn't a good fit for lead roles like this one. Raba is the most fun of the three, simply due to his character being so exuberant and unguarded, especially compared to how others expect hiim to be. Christian Slater has a couple of minutes of screentime, Marton Csokas is the coup leader, and Alice Eve and young Molly McCann play the wife and daughter, respectively, of our main character, with Eve reduced to being the kind of female who asks her husband to leave their home before spending most of their time worrying about when her husband might return safely.

Although I know that I'm exaggerating, I feel that I've taken at least just as much time and care writing this review as Lentz took in writing the script. It's not laughably incompetent, nor is it unwatchable. It's just thrown together, a collage of beige made from the paint samples left at the very back of the B & Q stockroom, and many viewers will struggle to even stay focused on it as it weaves a sleep-inducing spell.

3/10

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Replicas (2018)

It's a familiar tale. A scientist tries to figure out how to breathe proper life into a creation. It's just not happening. Then his loved ones die in a car accident. The scientist uses all of the resources at his disposal to bring them back to life, with the exception of one (because he doesn't have enough equipment). Everyone seems moderately happy while we wait for the inevitable trouble to start.

That's everything you need to know about this sci-fi movie starring Keanu Reeves in the main role. He plays Will Foster, a man who will go to great lengths to have more time with his family. He's helped in his secret mission by Ed (Thomas Middleditch), and the two men have to avoid piquing the curiosity of their boss, Jones (John Ortiz).

The screenplay by Chad St. John, building on a story by Stephen Hamel, sets up an interesting premise in the first half that is then wasted, with no consideration given to some of the more complex ideas that could have been the focus of a sharper and smarter movie. And that's before I start commenting on the actual dialogue, which is pretty awful.

Director Jeffrey Nachmanoff adds nothing to the material, in terms of skill or style. Looking at his filmography, which is mainly made up of a couple of movies and then intermittent TV work, it seems that this is his usual level. In fact, given his career path, I am amazed that he had a chance to helm this. Considering the many ways in which the plot could have been steered, this would seem to be an obvious fit for a director with a proven track record. I could name a dozen directors who may have made something more of this, which just makes me slightly sadder for what we ended up with.

Reeves seems to be going along on autopilot in his role, unsurprisingly, and Ortiz is the same, perhaps even slightly worse at times. Alice Eve is a bit better, but given a lot less to do, in the role of the deceased wife/mother. Middleditch is the only one doing something that livens up a few scenes, however, and it's a shame that his role couldn't be expanded.

Annoyingly, there's STILL almost enough here to allow me to enjoy this. The first act poses some interesting questions, most of which it fails to answer, but then it plods along for the middle section, and even most of the finale. Fortunately, there are one or two moments in the very last scenes that are entertaining enough to almost fool you into thinking that you've enjoyed the movie by the time the end credits roll.

Anyone not as obsessed with Keanu Reeves as I am can feel free to remove a point from my rating.

4/10

You can buy the movie here.
Americans can buy it here.

American Made (2017)

American Made is a glossy, lively biopic based on the life of Barry Seal, a pilot who ended up helping the CIA, smuggling drugs, and getting himself entangled in the whole Iran-Contra affair. Or so it would seem. Considering the personality involved, the potential for exaggeration and outright untruths, I am not sure of just how much to believe, and how much to take with a large pinch of salt. So, to be on the safe side, I took everything here with a large pinch of salt.

Directed by Doug Liman, reteaming with Tom Cruise after the superb sci-fi action of Edge Of Tomorrow AKA Live Die Repeat, this is a slick, fun, piece of entertainment. It's also something we have seen done many times before, and usually done much better.

The problems start with the script. It feels lazy, a melange of moments and cliches from recent and not-so-recent biopics. and, despite the runtime (this is about the two hour mark), it all feels a bit sparse. Writer Gary Spinelli isn't interested in the actual mechanics of the lifestyle on display, he doesn't even seem that interested in the risk to life and damage to others until it suits the pacing of the film to throw in a small set-piece. No, he just wants to show what amounts to a greatest hits photo album of the life of a man who was surely more complicated than the charming douchebag depicted here.

Speaking of charming douchebags, who the hell gets Tom Cruise for a role like this and then doesn't let him go full tilt with the bags of charm he has at his disposal? His cocky charm has been put to good use over the years in a number of roles that have allowed him to show more than a hint of danger glinting from that ultra-white smile. Rain Man, The Color Of Money, and Magnolia are the three best examples I can think of, taking his confident persona and turning it, even ever so slightly, against him. This film doesn't do that. It may try to, but it doesn't, perhaps because it seems to always depict the version of events as told by Seal, which doesn't allow viewers to consider how much of his claims may have been exaggerated or distorted to reposition himself in a better light.

The rest of the cast do okay with what they're given, although many of the supporting players are a bit wasted. Alice Eve plays "wife who goes along with things", Caleb Landry Jones is "brother who throws spanner in works", and it's only Domhnall Gleeson who gets a chance to make a better impression, playing a CIA operative making use of Seal without ever pretending that he can be dropped like a hot potato whenever things go bad.

Liman hits all of the notes that you expect him to hit. There are no surprises here, apart from the failure of many scenes to rise above average, and nothing to put this anywhere near the level of most of his other films (even Jumper, which nobody else seems to like as much as I do).

In summation, there's a decent soundtrack in search of a better movie to accompany. You can find half a dozen better movies for both the director and the star of this one. It won't ruin your whole day if you give it a watch, but I expect this to be largely forgotten a year from now.

5/10

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