Demonia (1990)

If you are after coherent and believable horror then the work of Lucio Fulci isn’t for you. But if you want atmosphere and impressive set-pieces then you should check out his work. If you’re a horror fan then you have probably already heard of his best titles, but his filmography also includes a number of lesser-known gems.

Demonia isn’t one of them.

If I tried to explain the plot then I think we would all just start laughing, underlining just how ridiculous it is. Basically, a young woman starts to have visions of some bad things, there is an archeological dig going on, and some vengeful spirit nuns start killing off people. Meg Register is Liza, the woman having the visions, and Brett Halsey plays Professor Evans, helping to oversee the fated archaeological dig. And Fulci himself plays a policeman investigating the deaths that start to occur.

Demonia is bonkers, and not really in the best ways. And yet, for reasons I cannot quite put my finger on, I found myself enjoying the silliness of it all. Maybe I was just in the right mood for it, I did pick it as a viewing that I figured would keep me away from anything too weighty and/or grim, or maybe those being harshly critical of it, and they are many, have been a bit unfair.

Are Register and Halsey good in their main roles? Not really. I don’t blame them though, Fulci never seems to give much thought to his cast members and they are asked to be as over the top and silly as the script they are working with. Others onscreen suffer from similar fates, although both Christina Englehardt and Lino Salemme are a bit livelier and more fun than the rest.

If you can accept the ridiculousness of the script, co-written by Fulci and Piero Regnoli, and the fact that there are no truly standout moments, Demonia isn’t a terrible way to spend ninety minutes. Never mind that Fulci himself tried to get his name removed from the thing (ironic, considering the lack of story credit given to Antonio Tentori). I wouldn’t recommend anyone watch this ahead of The Beyond, Zombie Flesh Eaters, City Of The Living Dead, and a number of other slices of more worthwhile Fulci, but I wouldn’t completely dismiss it. It’s absolutely daffy, and sometimes absolutely daffy perfectly fits the bill.

5/10

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Dario Argento's Dracula AKA Dracula 3D (2012)

It's almost becoming too easy nowadays to criticise the recent movies directed by Dario Argento, but when the man who was such a master of his craft starts to churn out rubbish as bad as this . . . . . . . . well, I think all of that criticism is well and truly justified.

Because, make no mistake about it, Dario Argento's Dracula (AKA Dracula 3D) is a terrible movie in almost every department. It's so inept at times that you start to wonder whether or not Mr. Argento is having a laugh at our expense.

Everyone knows the story by now, and if you don't then it's up to you to quickly get up to speed, so I won't include too many details here. There are differences, such as the film taking place almost exclusively in Transylvania, but the main characters remain the same. Thomas Kretschmann plays the big man, Rutger Hauer comes along as Van Helsing just in time for the finale, Marta Gastini is a pleasant enough Mina Harker, Asia Argento is Lucy, and Maria Cristina Heller is a sexy vamp for most of the runtime. Let's not mention Unax Ugalde as Jonathan Harker because, well, it's just too painful for me to remember his performance.

The script, written by four people including Argento himself, is a muddled mess, with the recognisable central story strand, and one or two famous moments, surrounded by scenes that range from the ridiculous to the gratuitous, with the latter at least providing SOME entertainment value.

The direction makes it seem as if Argento considered not having his name in the credits at one point. There are a few nice flourishes here and there, admittedly, but from the opening sequence - in which the camera flies through a poorly rendered CGI village - to the anticlimactic finale, this is clumsy stuff, not helped in the slightest by some of the shoddiest editing I've seen in a long, long time.

I've already mentioned some of the performances, but let me just say that Hauer is great and Kretschmann looks like he could have done better with the role if it had been better written and placed in a competent movie. Asia Argento is, as usual, godawful, Gastini is okay, and Heller shows that she's very proud of her breasts. And good for her. And did I mention that I don't want to mention Unax Ugalde as Jonathan Harker?

If you want to be cruel to yourself then watch this immediately. The special effects alone will have you reaching for the nearest spoon with which to scoop out your eyeballs. A few moments featuring different insects made me think, once more, that this whole thing might just be Argento playing a joke on us. Viewed in the right frame of mind, some people may find this funnier than Dracula: Dead And Loving It.

It's not as if the source material doesn't provide some great stuff to develop, for goodness sake. In fact, the strength of that source material is the reason that the film isn't quite a COMPLETE disaster. One or two moments still manage to remain effective, despite the best efforts of Argento and co. to totally screw up everything.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Argentos-Dracula-Blu-ray-Hutger-Hauer/dp/B00FUABHVQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391035115&sr=8-1&keywords=dario+argento%27s+dracula

See what I endure? Which is why I also pimp out my book, because every copy of my book sold gets a few pounds in my pocket, and gets you a good read (if I say so myself).

The UK version can be bought here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1395945647&sr=1-3&keywords=movie+guide

And American folks can buy it here - http://www.amazon.com/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395945752&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=TJs+ramshackle+mov

As much as I love the rest of the world, I can't keep up with all of the different links in different territories, but trust me when I say that it should be there on your local Amazon.