Hospital Massacre AKA X-Ray (1982)

Directed by Boaz Davidson, who also wrote the story that was developed into the screenplay by Marc Behm, Hospital Massacre AKA X-Ray is a film so inept in so many ways that you'll watch it and start to wonder when Leslie Nielsen will appear. It feels like a spoof, but it's also brilliantly demented entertainment that's never dull for one minute of the run-time.

The lovely Barbi Benton plays Susan Jeremy, a young woman who heads in to hospital to receive some test results. Unfortunately for her, the doctor that would have seen her has been killed and her x-rays have been switched by a madman who obviously wants her to stay in the hospital long enough for him to make her clinically dead. Susan initially goes along with the hospital procedures with nothing more than a slight hint of impatience, but as time drags on she starts to get more and more frustrated. That frustration turns into real anger when she realises that her life is in danger and is unable to convince any of the hospital staff around her.

Boaz Davidson might be best known to a lot of people as the director of a number of films, including the very first, in the Lemon Popsicle franchise. That's certainly where I knew his name from anyway before seeing any of his work in the horror genre. I think it's fair to say that he brings the same subtlety and restraint to the slasher movie as he did to the teen sex comedy. So that's none at all then.

Thankfully, a lack of subtlety and restraint isn't the worst thing for either a teen sex comedy or a slasher horror movie and that's why I remain a fan of Boaz Davidson's work. His films may never top any "best of..." lists, but he makes some fun stuff that just needs to be watched in the right frame of mind. And usually a smirk, ready to develop into a grin.

I'm not going to pretend that the cast members do any great work, but they manage to keep a straight face while delivering some truly laughable dialogue, and they deserve some small amount of praise for that. Benton is a very attractive leading lady who puts herself across as being quite likable, Charles Lucia (billed as Chip Lucia) is a handsome doctor who seems more helpful than anyone else in the hospital and John Warner Williams is a doctor who refuses to believe any of the outlandish claims from Benton's character, though he's only too happy to get her topless for a prolonged examination/bit of gratuitous nudity. Gloria Jean Morrison and Karen Smith are two stone-faced nurses who won't put up with any histrionics.

There's a score derivative of some classic horror movie tunes, a lead character who just can't seem to help herself at all and proves to be one of the clumsiest people to try to survive to the end of a slasher movie, a great selection of scripted moments that have people saying something and then completely contradicting themselves/turning around a moment later and a classic comedy moment in which a room full of people in traction are shown moving frantically as someone walks into their room.

However, there are also a number of entertaining deaths, some absurd moments that carry on until they become surreal and a surprisingly decent finale that stands as some small reward for viewers who make it all the way to the end.

The comedy factor may not usually be the main thing that horror fans look for in their movies, but this one is really worth seeing if you go into it in the right frame of mind.

6/10

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Deathstalker (1983)

Remember the movie Big? A young lad makes a wish and then goes to sleep only to wake up the next day in the body of a Tom Hanks-shaped adult. And that adult ends up producing some great ideas for a toy company. Well, if that kid had gone to bed and then woken up the next day in the body of a Tom Hanks-shaped adult and immediately managed to get a job with a movie studio then I'm pretty sure that he would have created a movie like Deathstalker. Because Deathstalker is a fantasy tale in every sense.

The plot is just a bit of nonsense to cram some stuff into. Deathstalker (Rick Hill) fights some people and goes about his life happily enough until he is asked to get a powerful sword and to use that sword to overthrow the wicked Munkar (Bernard Erhard), a magic man who made himself king and isn't known for his benevolence and kindness.

No, that really is all of the main plot. Really. Which means that we get just under 80 minutes of swordplay, women being either naked or covered in flimsy flimsy garments, occasional menace in the form of puppets and a healthy dose of bad acting.

Thankfully, Rick Hill carries a sword as if he knows how to use the thing so he's not all that bad in the main role. Richard Brooker is almost adequate in the role of someone who ends up tagging along with our hero. Bernard Erhard is appropriately displeased about any efforts being made to end his rule. The ladies do much better, though that may just be my own bias, with Lana Clarkson proving to be a highlight as a swordswoman who gives no thought to underclothes and Barbi Benton quite gorgeous and up to the task of portraying someone in need of help who is also quite gorgeous.

The script by Howard R. Cohen and direction by James Sbardellati are both as slapdash as they are entertaining. The fight scenes aren't all that bad, though I've seen much better, and everything moves along so quickly that this brief adventure never outstays it's welcome. It's certainly one to watch if, like me, you have fond memories of staring up at the lurid VHS cover and wondering how amazing the movie itself would be.

5/10.

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