Prime Time: Crooked House (2008)

Originally shown on TV in three episodes over three subsequent evenings, before being packaged presented as one omnibus a few days later, Crooked House is a polished and handsome ode to the classic horror anthologies of yesteryear. It's a blend of Hammer and Amicus with a nice spoonful of the M. R. James classics also mixed in. It's only real problem is being a bit too precious about the material, erring on the side of the classy when it could have been fun to have some more ridiculousness and bloodshed on display (if you're going to do an ode to Amicus, in particular, then it feels like a missed opportunity to not involved a dismembered hand at some point).

The tale is simple. Ben Morris (Lee Ingleby) has found an antique door knocker. When he takes it to a local museum, the curator (Mark Gatiss) recognises it as having once been attached to a notorious, cursed house, the recently demolished Geap Manor. He tells Ben a couple of tales from the history of the door knocker, one involving some poorly-chosen wainscoting and the other involved a ghostly bride, but those end up being nothing more than light distractions once the third tale starts to unfold. The third tale isn't one that Ben is told. It is one that he is part of, and he soon realises that a horror may be trying to reach through the many years of the past to get to him in the present.

Also written and co-produced by Gatiss, which is obvious as soon as you start to hear some of the wonderful dialogue being delivered, this is an interesting film, one that feels as if it is overstretching slightly while trying to straddle the large gap between the past and the present day. It's either coincidence or clever meta writing that has the content reflected by the presentation (knowing Gatiss, I would lean towards the latter there), but the fact that the end result ends up being successful is just as much down to the cast as it is to the writing and direction (from Damon Thomas).

The first tale has the most treats. Philip Jackson is the man having his home renovated, after making a fortune in a deal that ruined others, and drove one to suicide. The wainscoting that will drive him to distraction is made all the more effective thanks to the great performance from Jackson, who is full of bluster and self-importance. He is joined in a number of scenes by Andy Nyman and Julian Rhind-Tutt, both a lot of fun in their roles, and Beth Goddard steals a couple of moments as a widow pointing a finger of accusation at Jackson's character. The second tale doesn't really have any standout performances, and is the least enjoyable of the three we get here, but it does well with the atmosphere and imagery. Thankfully, Ingleby and Gatiss do great work, and Daniela Denby-Ashe also helps things along with her pivotal supporting role.

Although I wish there was a bit more here, in terms of the scares and blood, I also recognise that this is being crafted in line with the more traditional, and restrained, ghost stories that form the bedrock of a wonderfully spooky tradition (the ghost story at Christmas, which is why this was first shown on TV at that time of year). It's just a shame when the film/episodes veer between feeling like a wonderful homage and feeling like an academic exercise, the balancing act proving to be occasionally too much for Gatiss.

ALSO, a minor note, it would have been nice to see one of the tales have more of a seasonal feel. Not essential, but an extra layer of autumnal chill would have been most welcome. Maybe that's just me though, and maybe not helped by me watching this in the midst of summer.

7/10

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The Last Seduction II (1999)

There are few sequels more likely to disappoint than a sequel to any erotic thriller/drama that has developed a huge fanbase. The second Basic Instinct, Showgirls, and 9 1/2 Weeks attest to this. As does this film. This rule generally works if there have only been two films, but don’t let that dissuade you from checking out the likes of the Poison Ivy and Wild Things movies (films with about three sequels each, providing a more positive rule about erotic films that try to stay classy being followed by instalments that are happy to get down and roll around in the trash).

Anyway, I can only delay it so long, let’s get to this film. Joan Severance plays Bridget Gregory, the femme fatale we last saw playing out a very devious scheme in The Last Seduction. She heads off to Spain, connecting with a businessman/crook named Troy (Con O’Neill). She is also being pursued by a detective (Murphy, played by Beth Goddard), hired by the father of the man she turned into her main patsy in the first film.

The last film to date directed by Terry Marcel (and thank heavens for small mercies), The Last Seduction II is a bad film, often amusingly so, but it’s a hell of a lot worse if you have very recently revisited the superb The Last Seduction. Nothing here has the intelligence, wit, or style of the first movie. The script, written by Dave Cummings, is a real mess. It takes some simplistic plotting, tries to cover it up with a mix of characters and random scenes, and fumbles absolutely every aspect. There’s no tension, no sexual chemistry between any of the characters, and no actual entertainment factor here, leaving it a flaccid mess that makes you feel sorry for Severance.

Feeling sorry for Severance is better, I guess, than feeling nothing at all. I have had a crush on Severance since seeing her as one of the main baddies in See No Evil, Hear No Evil (playing someone memorably held “at gunpoint” by Gene Wilder’s erection), but she exudes nothing here that makes her feel like a worthwhile successor to Linda Fiorentino. She is better than O’Neill, but a balloon animal could have been better than O’Neill (he’s just terrible in almost every scene), although he does get an amazing scene that leads to him punching a pregnant woman in the face, displayed in a weird slow-mo way that wouldn’t look out of place in a cheap Turkish rip-off movie. Goddard comes out of this best, simply thanks to her character often appearing to be smarter than everyone else around her, but I would assume this is still unlikely to be a film she parks at the top of her C.V.

Filmed in the exotic climes of Spain and, errr, Wales, The Last Seduction II feels exactly like a film that would use some minimal location shooting and hastily-redressed sets to make you think it is taking place in a hot and sunny environment. It’s a soap opera special, sadly lacking any special guest star or plot bombshell to make it worth your time.

The best thing to remember as the end credits roll? There has so far not been a third The Last Seduction. The fact that there was a second film that didn’t even attempt to rejig the title wording tells you all you need to know before you even press play and attempt to endure this.

2/10

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