Death Spa (1989)

I was in the mood for some dumb fun when I sat down to watch Death Spa (also known, at least at one point, under the name Witch Bitch). I wanted something cheesy, something delightfully '80s, and something that was simply entertaining. Death Spa covered two of those things.

It is, as you can guess from the title, all about a spa that becomes more hazardous than healthy for the people who use it. The owner of the spa, Michael (William Bumiller), worries that it may be the spirit of his wife, a woman who committed suicide. Alternatively, it may be a deadly scheme masterminded by David (Merritt Butrick), Michael's brother-in-law who blames him for the death of his sister.

Walking a thin line between competent and atrocious, Death Spa has some undeniable highlights here and there, but it's just bogged down by too many scenes featuring horrible dialogue, uninteresting characters, and not enough carnage. This kind of ludicrous premise is best served by a brisk pace and plenty of gore and/or gratuitous nudity. There's a little of both here, yet not enough of either.

Bumillier is a pretty weak leading man, especially when his character is supposed to be such a charmer who can easily keep increasing female membership numbers at the spa, and he's not helped by the script. Butrick doesn't fare too much better, although he at least gets to make more of an impression in the second half, as things get weirder and wilder. The gorgeous Brenda Bakke has a few scenes that will please her fans, Ken Foree has a few minutes onscreen, and those are really the only cast members who stood out. Oh, there was also Robert Lipton joining in with the fun in a way that makes him worth mentioning.

Writers James Bartruff and Mitch Paradise seem to have spent a lot of time either drinking or smoking substances that made their material seem more amusing than the end result here. It's a set-up that's rife with potential, none of which is fulfilled. Director Michael Fischa doesn't do enough to help, with even the aforementioned highlights never feeling quite as entertaining or over the top as they could be.

I'm sure that some people have fond memories of this one from the days when it was a blind VHS rental that ended up providing them with a fun 90 minutes (or thereabouts). But sometimes those fond memories, be they of movies or something else altogether, should stay as memories. Because bringing them back to be viewed with fresh (and, perhaps, older and wiser) eyes can lead to great disappointment.

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Death-Spa-Blu-ray-DVD-Combo/dp/B00IA1VKVY

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Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)

It was inevitable really, a sequel to the biggest hit that Steven Seagal ever had. The plot this time sees ex-SEAL Casey Ryback (Seagal) taking a train journey with his niece (Katherine Heigl before she shed her puppy fat and became too good for this kind of stuff – ironic considering that this movie and Bride Of Chucky are two of the more watchable films that she’s starred in). Unfortunately for everyone on the train, it is about to be commandeered by some very bad men (led by Eric Bogosian) who want to make ridiculously large sums of money by causing ridiculously large amounts of damage. It’s up to our hero chef to save the day once more.

Geoff Murphy directs this sequel, from a script written by Richard Hatem and Matt Reeves (yes, THAT Matt Reeves), and he often hits all the right buttons. The whole thing is ludicrously unbelievable but nobody stands around and pretends that they’re partaking in something by Shakespeare. Special effects are okay, though inconsistent, but people punch, kick and shoot each other convincingly enough and that’s the most important thing to get right in a film of this type.

Seagal provides his usual, limited, range of expressions, Eric Bogosian has a blast as the smartass bad guy and Katherine Heigl gets put in peril because she’s the niece of Ryback. Elsewhere, we get decent supporting turns from Morris Chestnut (he’s the nervy sidekick this time and he’s okay but, let’s face it, he’s no Erika Eleniak), Everett McGill is a tough baddie who relishes the challenge of facing up to Ryback and Peter Greene points a gun and shouts at people. There’s also a small amount of screentime for Brenda Bakke, who doesn’t get to do all that much but I have a soft spot for her and just thought I’d sneak her name in here.

Slap-happy chop-socky goodness, a train racing towards danger and a quip or two to accompany each major death – it all adds up to a sequel that will please fans of the first movie even if it’s all forgotten about a few days later. 
 
7/10

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