Maximum Conviction (2012)

When Maximum Conviction arrived through my letterbox my heart sank a little bit. People may remember that I endured almost every Steven Seagal movie ever made over the course of many months (if you need verification then just type his name into the search box on the right and have a browse). It almost broke me. Thankfully, I had no more to endure for a while. All of his releases over the past couple of years seemed to be episodes of his show, True Justice, spliced together and sold to undemanding fans. But I knew the day would come when I would have to watch this man in action again. Maximum Conviction was the film that dragged me back into Seagal's world.

As stupid as it was, I still held on to a shred of hope. After all, Steve Austin was also in the movie, and I like Steve Austin. It only took a few minutes to grind that hope into dust. Seagal and Austin play two former black ops kinda guys (does Seagal ever play any other kind of character? No, no he doesn't) who are helping to decommission a prison that now holds two extra "guests" in the shape of Samantha and Charlotte. Unfortunately, some very powerful people want one of these women for some information that they possess so it's not long until the prison is breached and lots of armed men are causing trouble while being repelled by Seagal and company.

Directed by Keoni Waxman (who also directed The Keeper, which was Seagal's last half-decent action film), and written by Paul Beattie, Maximum Conviction has potential that is wasted thanks, once again, to a lazy turn from an out of shape leading man. Seagal just doesn't cut it any more as an action star. In fact, he hasn't been cutting it for the last decade or so, and that makes it increasingly difficult for his movies to continue appealing to ACTION fans. This movie is improved by the presence and physical work of Steve Austin, but there's only so much that can be done when Seagal insists on having the lead role even as he continues to pass most of his scenes over to his stunt double. Elsewhere, Michael Pare turns in another bad guy performance, Ian Robison is a spineless warden and Aliyah O'Brien and Steph Song are the women who could be in big trouble, playing Charlotte and Samantha, respectively. If you're expecting any great acting then you clearly haven't seen any other Steven Seagal movie.

The most frustrating thing about watching Maximum Conviction is how close it comes to being a good film. The premise isn't that bad, the pacing is fine and some of the action set-pieces have the right level of energy and damage to be good entertainment. Unfortunately, the combination of low-budget (the movie certainly LOOKS cheap), laziness and over-editing just ends up making the movie a bit of a chore.

I would say, hesitantly, that some hardcore Seagal fans may well see this as a bit of a return to form. Everyone else will probably see it as yet another one to avoid.

4/10

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews
Or Amazon is nice at this time of year - https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/Y1ZUCB13HLJD?ref_=wl_share 

Sheep Impact (2011)

And here we are, at the very very last point of the journey for the time being. The career of Steven Seagal has contained a number of ups and downs but the second decade of the 21st century shows signs that he may not be ready to shuffle off and retire just yet. The movies may not, overall, have improved immensely but they HAVE improved and he's also had some small roles in some very good fare. One such goodie would be Machete. The other would be this short, an advert for beer that packs more entertainment and humour into four minutes than our martial arts hero has managed to fit into his last five starring vehicles.

I'm sure there are many people who will roll their eyes and think less of me for reviewing an advert but what the hell . . . . . . . . people have rolled their eyes out me for doing a lot worse than this. And I maintain that this is more than just an advert, this is a perfectly formed gem of a short film.

Two young men are heading to a party when they run into some trouble. That trouble revolves around a sheep that Seagal doesn't want to see die. Oh, and Seagal isn't playing Seagal. He's a typical young Australian lad. By way of Steven Seagal.

Somehow, four people all worked together to write this. That's one person for each minute of screentime. Director Brendan Gibbons was also one of the writers but I'm not going to complain about the numbers because it looks like everyone managed to work together to get the tone of the humour and the quality of the whole thing just right.

Okay, it's not essential viewing if you're the sort of Seagal fan who just fast forwards through any scenes that don't feature him cracking skulls but it's great fun for those able to enjoy the absurdity of it all. And, once again (as rare as it is), it's nice to see that Seagal actually HAS a sense of humour.

8/10.

Watch Sheep Impact here.

Born To Raise Hell (2010)

It's been a long and dark path to this point but I'm finally here. This is, until more are released (*shudder*) the last Steven Seagal film that I will have to view and review in my quest to view his complete filmography. Okay, I missed one that was really, really close to impossible to find and I am treating myself to the full 4 minutes of Sheep Impact next week but, essentially, I'm done. And what a giddying feeling it is. It's that last day of school, the time when you got to take in games and didn't have to worry about learning anything other than who had all of the best toys every year. It's that day at work when the boss tells you that there's nothing more to be done for the day and suggests an extended pub lunch. It's a small moment of sheer joy. But before I relax completely . . . . . . . the review needs written.

Actually, there's very little point in writing a review of a movie so tired and bland. It's strange, and more than a little sad, to see that Seagal has taken a step or two back after he seemed to be moving forward with his recent movie choices. He's gone from being a mystery men well versed in the ways of the East to a mystery man well versed in the ways of the Eastern Europeans and Russian mafia types. That's all we have in this film. A bunch of people shoot at each other, Seagal's partner actually goes out of his way to tell him all about how he's due to be a father soon and glimpses of female nudity are interspersed here and there.

The saving grace is the fact that the action does have some decent moments and the tone is gritty and violent even in between the set-pieces. Director Lauro Chartrand may share some of the blame but it's unsurprising to find that this is another movie also written by Seagal, full of incoherence and a lack of care unless it relates directly to something that leads to the leading man kicking and punching people. Dan Badarau is okay, if I'm feeling generous, as Dimitri but I'm not even going to waste time writing about anyone else involved - a bunch of interchangeable rent-a-bods who don't make any impression thanks to a mix of weak material and poor acting.

Just when Seagal fans may have been getting their hopes up, considering a bit of a career resurgence, along comes this movie to make their optimism vanish.

4/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Born-To-Raise-Hell-DVD/dp/B003YXZH8A/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1332282326&sr=1-1

Machete (2010)

Well, ummm, I actually saw and reviewed Machete ages ago for Flickfeast.

That review is here - http://flickfeast.co.uk/reviews/film-reviews/machete-2010-2/

An easy 8/10 and great fun. But the best news, at this moment in time, is that it can now count as my weekly Seagal and saves my poor, aching eyes from any more punishment this week.

As the end of my Seagal quest approaches (and I've seen every movie that he's made so far with the exception of Clementine, a movie I couldn't get a hold of for love nor money) I have one thought looming large in my mind - the next quest subject is going to be someone or something much more enjoyable.

Does Seagal have some great movies to choose from? Yes he does. Does he have any actual star power? I'd be generous and say that there was a time when he did. Should he have made half of the movies in his filmography? Hell no!

Considering that it's supposed to be an old-school grindhouse flick, and also considering the fact that the Bluray doesn't have any extra features worth shelling out wads of cash for, I recommend picking up Machete on DVD and having a good time.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Machete-DVD-Danny-Trejo/dp/B0049EO130

A Dangerous Man (2009)

Steven Seagal plays a guy who used to be in the Special Forces. He plays a guy wrongly accused of a crime, which leads to him losing all that he holds dear to him. He plays a guy willing to help others by kicking the ass of anyone who looks at him with a slight squint. Yes, this is another Steven Seagal movie in which he falls back on the same sketched out plot that he has been rehashing, with varying degrees of success, for the last 30 years or so. To give any more time or space over to describing the plot would just insult the intelligence of both you and me (and I don't claim to be that intelligent in the first place).

Despite the fact that it's just more of the same, A Dangerous Man is yet another of the more recent Seagal movies that ends up being a big surprise - mainly due to it not being a pile of steaming dung. Oh no, this time out we once again get plenty of action and a helping of bone-crunching violence to make everything more enjoyable. And it does the job. Seagal may never reclaim the physique he once had but he has at least gone back to a place that allows him to convincingly show off some decent martial arts moves without calling upon a stunt double every 5 seconds.

Writer-director Keoni Waxman (who also directed The Keeper) puts in plenty of risible nonsense but it's all par for the course for anyone who has watched at least one Seagal movie since the start of the 21st century. The mixed nationalities of all the cast members, the fact that Seagal always seems to get a younger girlfriend with each movie (to paraphrase from City Slickers . . . . pretty soon the guy will be dating sperm), the wise ways of our leading man, etc.

Seagal is as Seagal-like as usual in the lead role but Jesse Hutch, Vitaly Kravchenko and Jerry Wasserman don't do too badly alongside the other, varied, supporting cast members.

Easy to watch and mildly enjoyable, I was about to rate this film even higher than average and then realised that I was just overcome with relief after the many other Seagal movies I have endured over the years.

5/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/A-Dangerous-Man-DVD/dp/B002MGJSTY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331334322&sr=8-1

The Keeper (2009)

I was so close, SO close. I almost settled on a 7/10 for this one, a Seagal movie from 2009 that really didn't suck and really proved to be genuinely entertaining for most of the runtime. Sadly, it was still held back by a few things. Like trying to convince us once again that Steven Seagal is the greatest person to have ever lived and we should all be thankful for his presence - he is Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris and Buddha rolled into one. Or so he would like us to think. There was also a poor opening section to get through and the standard choppy editing during the action moments (which are, it has to be said, still very entertaining and fan-pleasing).

Seagal plays an ex-cop named Roland Sallinger who is invited to Texas by a friend to guard his daughter after an attempted kidnapping. Seagal is happy to help, also beefing up the security system around the home of his friend, upsetting some local law enforcement and generally being the embodiment of awesomeness that he always strives to be.

With a touch of humour throughout, a decent premise that deviates just enough from the 101 other Seagal movies and good pacing, The Keeper is a solid action movie that deserves to be seen by more than the handful of die-hard Seagal fans who seem to be the only ones left keeping him in any kind of career.

Written by Paul A. Birkett and directed by Keoni Waxman, the film falls into a few of the usual pitfalls that appear in ever Seagal movie but makes up for this with the energy and fun factor of many other moments. The cast are all pretty decent, compared to past efforts starring our leading man, and Liezl Carstens is also easy on the eye, which helps.

A few more movies like this, and a few less like the abominations he has foisted upon his loyal audience, and Seagal may yet prove that his career deserves the faint pulse that it, miraculously, still has.

6/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Keeper-DVD-Arron-Shiver/dp/B002KAIVVI

Driven To Kill (2009)

Having impressed everyone over the years with his astounding acting range, Steven Seagal shows that he has at least one more trick up his sleeve when he portrays a Russian ex-mobster in this enjoyable action movie. Okay, I may have my tongue wedged in my cheek just now but, in all honesty, he's not that bad with the accent. He's not that good either. But he's not THAT bad.

Seagal is Ruslan, a man who tries to chill out and play nice while he visits his ex-wife and daughter on the day that his little girl is due to get married. Sadly, all of the wedding plans are a bit messed up when some nasty guys break in and kill people. From then on, Seagal is . . . . . . . . . Driven To Kill.

Written by Mark James, and directed by Jeff King (who previously worked with Seagal on the poor Kill Switch), this is a surprisingly enjoyable Seagal movie that ended up with many others in the straight-to-DVD market. The acting isn't great but the action will keep fans happy and the dialogue, while quite horrid most of the time, actually works well enough here and there to provide a couple of decent one-liners. If you can make out just what is being said through the garbled accents.

Bizarre as it may seem, the only other person I recognised onscreen was Crystal Lowe (an actress who has appeared in a few horror movies such as Final Destination 3 and Wrong Turn 2: Dead End). Sadly, she's onscreen for about 2 minutes. I could check the credits for the names of the main people who managed to either look on in awe as Seagal kicked ass or had their ass kicked while Seagal awesomely kicked ass but it would be a waste of time. There really wasn't anyone worth mentioning.

There's nothing like a great Seagal movie and, as is so often the case nowadays, this is nothing like a great Seagal movie. But it is a good one. And that's high praise indeed, considering most of his filmography.

6/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Driven-To-Kill-DVD/dp/B002BC9YAM

Against The Dark (2009)

Steven Seagal is back to doing what he does best. Scowling through a face that resembles a half-melted rubber mask based on the features of the Dalai Lama. And also fighting. But this time he's fighting vampires. And he's onscreen for a very short amount of time. Perhaps that's why Against The Dark defies the odds to be a reasonably enjoyable Seagal movie. Oh, it's still not anything great but it's at least watchable, has some decent bloodshed here and there and throws in just enough action to remind you that it's an action movie as well as just a vampire film.

Starting off how it means to go on, Against The Dark feels very much like a mix between I Am Legend and Resident Evil. With the bonus of the added Seagal factor. There's a nondescript cast of folk going about a vampire-infested area. And Seagal leads a bunch of hard-ass vampire hunters. Keith David also gets a few scenes, which doubles the watchability factor. The presence of Linden Ashby is also acceptable. As for Tanoai Reed, Jenna Harrison, Danny Midwinter, Emma Catherwood and all of the others - they turn up and do a decent job.

The script by Matthew Klickstein is pretty weak but nobody chooses to view a Seagal movie to discover the next greatest movie quote of the century. Things meander from start to finish, a few action beats are there (with plenty of unnecessary editing tricks) and there are some vampire moments that are surprisingly impressive.

Director Richard Crudo may not have made any kind of masterpiece, but he's easily made one of the more enjoyable Seagal outings in recent years. Which is enough reason, in itself, for me to be most thankful to the man.

Action fans will most probably be disappointed but undemanding fans of the horror genre may, like me, find enough here to at least merit a viewing. It's still not good enough for me to ever seriously consider watching again in the future but it was mercifully painless while playing in DVD player.

5/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Against-Dark-DVD-Skye-Bennett/dp/B001L4I2LI/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1329432783&sr=1-1

Kill Switch (2008)

It's all a joke, surely. Steven Seagal is just waiting for the day when he gets on a talk show and reveals that the past 20 years of his life have been nothing but one extended performance piece. It's the only explanation that makes sense. Kill Switch almost amounts to something watchable and entertaining. But before it can reach any level of quality, Seagal and an editor with ADD make sure that the whole thing gets spoiled.

A tough cop with his own way of doing things gets in a bit of trouble while trying to bring two different killers to justice. Can you guess who plays that tough cop? Of course, Mr. Seagal. Why he decides to play him with the worst accent he's ever attempted to date is completely beyond me. We all knew that Seagal could be "gangsta" after his searing performance in Today You Die but this time around he plays some po' distant gospel preacher cousin of Richard Pryor.

Seagal also wrote this movie, probably with all the time he has on his hands now just watching his army of stunt doubles churning out non-theatrical action flicks, and it's also unsurprising to find that the script is pretty lacking most of the time. To be fair, it has some decent moments scattered here and there but there isn't anything here worth remembering or quoting. Or even hearing for the first time. It's cliched, drawn out longer than necessary and occasionally outright laughable.

Director Jeff King just makes things worse with one stupid decision after another. That's probably the biggest, and most unusual, negative point here. Somewhere buried under the dross is a decent enough action film for undemanding fans of the star (let's be honest, any "demanding" fans left the sinking ship a long time ago). Despite the cliches and the stupidity of the plot points, the fight sequences and the action genre standards could have made for passable entertainment without the overediting and recycled footage. The scene near the beginning of the movie of someone being thrown out of a window features so many repeated shots that it starts to feel like a joke.

The supporting cast doesn't make any impression. Isaac Hayes has a small role, and it's nice to see any familiar face other than Seagal in a Seagal movie, but everyone else either plays a standard law enforcement type, an over the top killer or just someone dumb enough to pick a fight with our hero.

Overall, not a spectacular failure but there are enough bad choices to stop it becoming anything actually approximating good entertainment.

4/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kill-Switch-DVD-Isaac-Hayes/dp/B001LM6X1Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1328652116&sr=1-1

The Onion Movie (2008)

It has Steven Seagal in it so this is the weekly Seagal. Suck it up.

Do you know what The Onion is? It's America's Finest News Source. If you didn't know that then shame on you, shame, shame, shame. Check it out here. I've read articles from The Onion occasionally and found them to be pretty funny. I've even seen people mistake their articles for real news items and that's even funnier. Yes, The Onion is a big, funny, mass of spoofery with some of the easiest targets in sight (patrotism, prejudice, capitalism, the language of news reporting) and an ability to hit them dead on. I try to avoid it, however, because I have plenty already that can suck away all of my time on the internet. Thankfully, I set out to see the movie and found it to be pretty bloody hilarious.

The story is a very slim one. The Onion remains America's Finest News Source but is in danger of being undermined by new additions from the corporation that now owns it (a corporation that is out to market, among other things, an amazing Steven Seagal movie entitled "Cock Puncher"). So, essentially, there are a series of sketches framed by a story strand that sees the fate of The Onion, and main newscaster Norm Archer (Len Cariou), hanging in the balance.

 Written by Todd Hanson and Robert D. Siegel, and directed by Tom Kuntz (I have no idea if that's his real name or not, that's the IMDb listing) and Mike Maguire, The Onion Movie is often in poor taste but stays consistently funny from start to finish. Fans of The Kentucky Fried Movie should love it, fans of comedy should love it and fans of Steven Seagal should at least give it a watch to see how good a sport he is for pretending to star in "Cock Puncher".

The cast all do fine, the punchlines are often very funny and the film never outstays its welcome, coming in at just under 80 minutes. A highly enjoyable comedy that deserves to be seen by more people.

8/10.

http://www.amazon.com/Onion-Movie-Len-Cariou/dp/B0017XOF50

Pistol Whipped (2008)

AKA The Marker.

Well, I don't know quite where to begin. It turns out that the career suicide of Steven Seagal may not have been a permanent thing, after all. Urban Justice was flawed but a step up from many of his previous efforts. Pistol Whipped takes things up one more notch and, yes I'll say it, audiences can finally sit down once more to a Seagal movie without worrying about the pain they will have to endure.

Fans of the art of cinema who are eagerly awaiting the next Citizen Kane will still not want to go near any of these simple action movies but fans of the leading man will find plenty of decent sequences throughout to keep them happy.

Seagal plays a cop who was removed from the force amid rumours of theft and dirty dealing. He has a gambling problem, which he likes to accompany with a drinking problem. His debts just keep mounting up until, one day, they are bought by a mysterious old man (actually named The Old Man and played by Lance Henriksen). The Old Man wants the debt repaid with action rather than cash, ordering Seagal to kill certain bad eggs. Seagal doesn't actually mind, he hasn't forgotten his old skills and the bad eggs are really bad eggs. Things change, however, when he finds out information about his old pal, who is now the present stepfather to his daughter.

It's a good film. There. I said it. Okay, there may not be as much actual hand to hand combat as fans of Seagal's fighting style would like but there are a few moments here and there almost recapturing the spirit of his earlier slap-punch adventures. And the shootouts aren't all that bad either, despite some horribly misjudged slow motion during the opening credit sequence.

The acting isn't too bad either. Seagal is never going to put himself on screen with the newest graduates from RADA but Lance Henriksen is usually watchable, Paul Calderon is okay, Mark Eliot Wilson does quite well and Renee Goldsberry is easily one of the better female co-stars that Seagal has had in years.

Roel Reine does a decent job as director and, perhaps more shockingly, J. D. Zeik actually provides a half-decent script, which helps immensely. The whole thing is still ultimately predictable and fairly uncomplicated but the movie is lifted up simply by the fact that you can sense everyone involved actually seemed to be trying to make something decent.

They succeeded.

6/10.

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews

Urban Justice (2007)

Steven Seagal is a motherfucking hardass. Oh, if you’ve seen one or two Seagal movies before this one then you’ll already know that he’s a hardass. But this movie goes to great lengths to prove that he’s a MOTHERFUCKING hardass. I think so, anyway. Because every other word in the script seemed to be “motherfucker” or “nigga”. Unlike real life, I don’t have a problem with these words being bandied about in a movie. Sadly, when those two words seem to make up half of the script then it signifies a bit of a problem. We get the fact that Seagal is a hardass and that a bunch of badass black guys are all gangsta ‘n’ shit and gonna get all up in his face but we get that fact within the first 15 minutes or so. The rest is just, well, laziness.

The plot this time is actually a decent one – Seagal is back in town to find out who shot his son. He doesn’t care about anything else, he just wants his revenge and that’s it. Oh, he’ll punch and kick anyone who gets in his way but it’s not personal. That's it.

It's a shame that the script is so lousy here because, in many other respects, this is one of the better Seagal movies that has appeared in the first decade of the 21st century. It has some decent actors, including Eddie Griffin and Danny Trejo (though the latter has little more than a cameo role, sadly), a budget that makes the film look like it cost more than all three of his previous movies put together and a nice grittiness that's reminiscent of the leading man's earlier movies.

Director Don E. FauntLeRoy keeps things moving along and throws enough action into the mix to keep fans happy. We are all well aware that Seagal is well past his prime but he throws a few moves together that make him look believeable tough and . . . . . . . . . . . like a motherfucking hardass. The effort, at least, is appreciated.

Gilmar Fortis II gets the blame for the script. Oh, there have been many terrible scripts written for Seagal but the annoying thing about this film is that it didn't have to have a terrible script. The storyline makes sense. It's simple and action-packed. That's why it's more annoying when the dialogue is full of Seagal being "down with the kids" and gangstas being gangsta with each other, for the sake of just being gangsta, dog. Aaaaiiiight. If you think it's laughable to see me try to act all tough and urban in written word form then just wait until you see Seagal doing his thing onscreen.

Having said that, this is still a lot less painful than you would expect it to be.

5/10

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews

Flight Of Fury (2007)

There's a popular term used when people try to repeat some success that they've had or simply rehash their previous work. It's the one about going to the well one too many times. Well, let me tell you, in the case of Steven Seagal he's not only gone to the well too many times but he's also drained every drop of moisture from the air around him, creating an atmospher as dry and harsh and uncomfortable as any major desert area.

This time around, Seagal is John Sands, some ex-soldier type who is called in to help when a new aircraft is stolen and put into the hands of the enemy. It's a bit like Broken Arrow meets Stealth only, according to everyone, it's actually just a blatant remake of Black Thunder (a 1998 movie starring Michael Dudikoff that I've not yet seen). Oh well, you might say, at least they can blame someone else for the lame plot and poor script this time around. Nope, Steven Seagal and Joe Halpin take the writing credit. Perhaps Seagal has turned his career into a long-running joke by now and most of us are just too ignorant to appreciate his genius. Or, more likely, he started down a slippery slope and may never recover.

Michael Keusch is back in the director's chair and, considering how bad his previous effort was, this fact didn't fill me with joy. I was right to be apprehensive, the movie is just plain bad on almost every level. The acting is, as you'd probably expect by now, pretty dire. The sets and scenery seem to have been leased from The Asylum (e.g. a number of plain environments in which to have action sequences and a number of interior shots featuring machines that go ping!), the editing is often painfully bad and there's even footage cribbed from other movies to save cash. Oh dear, oh dear.

Seagal is even worse than usual and the only cast member I actually didn't mind watching onscreen was the lovely Ciera Payton as the woman inexplicably fond of Sands. Yet another one to avoid.

3/10

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews

Attack Force (2006)

Barely, and I do mean just BARELY, ahead of Ticker, this Steven Seagal movie was a pain to sit through and seemed to drag on forever and ever. It has almost no redeeming qualities and is one of the very worst in his entire filmography, which is really saying something.


But, before going any further, I shall be fair to the film and share this titbit from IMDb trivia - "Screenwriter 'Joe Halpin' is quoted in the book "Seagalogy: The Ass Kicking Films of Steven Seagal" as saying that Attack Force had originally been written and filmed as "Harvester," a sci-fi/horror movie with Seagal and his men battling an invading force of vampire space aliens. After Seagal, Halpin and director Michael Keusch had delivered the finished sci-fi film, the production and distribution company decided to eliminate the sci-fi space-alien elements and replace them with another plot having about a super-addictive drug that turns its users into superhuman killers. They called back a few of the lower-paid actors for re-shoots, re-dubbed the majority of Seagal's dialog via ADR, totally re-edited the film and changed it into the Attack Force we know today. Seagal and Halpin were not involved."

That means that the blame for this pile of drivel cannot be entirely placed on the shoulders of Seagal (who co-wrote as well as starred in the thing), director Michael Keusch or Joe Halpin (who came up with the story idea and co-wrote the screenplay with Seagal). There is a lot of terrible dubbing throughout, the plot is a dull and meandering mess and there isn't any great action to keep fans happy.

But the guys named above can still share some of the blame because, surely, a lot of the scenes that they created are still in the movie and none of them are any good. At all.

Lisa Lovbrand, David Kennedy, Matthew Chambers, Danny Webb and a number of other people embarrass themselves onscreen in this nonsense about Seagal and his pals taking on a bunch of super-soldiers. My attention was only ever held when the lovely Ileana Lazariuc was onscreen (and if she'd had more screentime the film may have managed to almost double up to a 3/10 rating).

Sadly, despite the troubled background of the film, audiences can only judge events onscreen by what they're given and, at the risk of repeating myself, all that is on show here is terrible dubbing, a dull and nonsensical plot and a distinct lack of action to even keep undemanding action fans happy.

An absolute, indefensible stinker.

2/10

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews

Mercenary For Justice (2006)

You know this kind of movie, you've seen it a number of times before. A bunch of people (this time they're led by Buddha Christ Theresa himself, Steven Seagal) have to do a job for someone they don't really want to work for. It's a dirty business that they're in and rules get broken while blood gets shed. But remember this one thing, these are the good guys - even when they have to do some lawbreaking. That's the basic outline of Mercenary For Justice, another in a long line of Seagal stinkers that ended up being available on the bargain shelves of your local movie rental emporium. Sadly, you don't actually care about anyone onscreen and that's why this film just doesn't work even half as well as the many that it attempts to copy.

Director Don E. FauntLeRoy returns to traumatise audiences with horribly lazy and shambolic work, this time using a script by Steve Collins and a whole host of uncredited folk (including, unsurprisingly enough, Seagal himself), and he makes something even worse than Today You Die but keeps things moving briskly enough to keep just ahead of the very worst films that have featured his wooden star.

The cast are a real mixed bag. Seagal is as he always is. Luke Goss does surprisingly well with a standard "baddie" role. Jacqueline Lord is okay, Roger Guenveur Smith does his very best to eradicate the goodwill gained by his small role in Final Destination (the last thing I remember him from though he has quite an extensive filmography), Michael Kenneth Williams almost gets out of the whole thing with his dignity intact and Adrian Galley is on hand to be big and full of muscle - job done.

The action isn't all that great but the standard fakery and one-upmanship that this kind of movie utilises is present and correct. It's all quite predictable and very easy to follow but it does help keep things mildly entertaining as things move from a frantic and unbelievable beginning to a frantic and unbelievable finale. Seagal fans still have nothing here to reward their long-term support of the man but at least this isn't one of his very worst.

4/10.

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews
Or Amazon is nice at this time of year - https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/Y1ZUCB13HLJD?ref_=wl_share 

The Foreigner: Black Dawn (2005)

If Steven Seagal can barely put any energy into his onscreen activity then why should people even bother straining to write a decent review? I'm almost tempted to take the Seagal route here - get a stunt double to do most of the work, insert some badly edited nonsense and fill out the background with horribly cheap CGI.

The big man returns as Jonathan Cold, the character from The Foreigner that you never really cared to see again anyway. But that matters not one iota. Because this is Steven Seagal. And you WILL care to see him in whatever he does. This time around he is, as you might expect, out to save millions of lives and some nasty folk plan to build and explode a nuclear device in the glorious land of America. Seagal is a patriot and he's a patriot who always remembers one thing - you can't spell America without CIA (even if the letters are placed in a slightly different order).

Written by Martin Wheeler, and directed by Alexander Gruszynski, this is a movie that is inept in almost every way. We all know that Seagal isn't the best actor in the world but here he's only given decent turns from Tamara Davies (by decent I may be being kind but she's far from the worst thing in the movie) and Tmothy Carhart  among a cast full of people mangling accents, failing to convince as tough guys and generally being as weak as the material they have to work with.

This is a problem in many Seagal movies, they have become a product churned out of a conveyor belt that use some slapping action moves and a number of foreign bit players, but it's not too bad when there is some decent action to prove distracting. Nope, this movie doesn't even have that. There's no tension here, the editing is positively shocking in places, the stunt double gets plenty of screentime once again and nothing here will entertain even undemanding viewers after some lowbrow antics.

The plotting is terrible, the acting and action unconvincing, the characters uninteresting and everything here (from the opening credits to the final scenes) smacks of extreme laziness. A horrible experience.

3/10.

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews
Or Amazon is nice at this time of year - https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/Y1ZUCB13HLJD?ref_=wl_share 

Today You Die (2005)

If you hate this movie then you'd better go and take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Because you, sir or madam, may have to admit that you're a racist. Maybe the ethnicity of the film displeases you. Maybe you're just put off because Steven Seagal is a successful black man in the action movie market. Of course, Seagal is not a black man (nor all that successful nowadays, is he?) but nobody remembered to tell him that when he decided to show his versatility in this dire action movie. It's a shame that a number of things couldn't have been changed and improved upon during the making of the film because the action scenes, when they occur, aren't actually all that bad and the plot of Seagal seeking out those who wronged him and putting things right almost reminds you of those enjoyably gritty early movies that all now seem like classics compared to his 21st century output.

The plot sees Seagal as a kindly thief who robs from criminals to distribute the wealth to the needy. He's kinda like Robin Hood. With a ponytail. And two extra chins. But this is all quite worrying for his good lady (Mari Morrow), who keeps having strange dreams and "psychic visions" that actually don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. So Seagal goes straight but, lo and behold, on a standard driving job he is forced to outrun the cops and struggle to survive when it turns out that he's mixed up in a lucrative robbery. Our man is apprehended and jailed, but not before he has managed to somehow hide $20 million. Never mind, in the space of a few scenes we get Seagal teaming up with Treach (who plays a crook named Ice Kool) and managing to escape in a surprisingly easily engineered scheme. Then it's time to kick ass in a number of unconnected moments, allow the movie to pretend that it has a depth and complexity in place of the laughs and confusion and head to a finale that may just let our hero get his justice, save the children of the world and prove to everyone, once again, that he is the slap-happy version of Jesus himself.

I won't pretend that most of this movie was something I could easily enjoy while it was on but as soon as the credits rolled and I began to think back through what I had just seen I couldn't help laughing and thinking of all the lazy mistakes throughout (usually with stunt doubles but the massive plot holes were also good for a giggle). This may be the fault of the script, by Kevin Moore, but it's probably not helped by the direction of Don E. FauntLeRoy, a man responsible for having the most annoying mix of upper- and lower-casing in his surname and also the third and fourth risible movies in the Anaconda franchise.

Seagal - he doesn't really know any better because he just keeps going as he always has. Treach is almost tolerable. Almost. Mia Morrow would have been fine if her character hadn't been so redundant and given such awful material to work with. Sarah Buxton is pretty bad, Nick Mancuso is terrible and only those with less screentime give better performances (Robert Miano and Kevin Tighe, in particular). Fans may be interested to know that Chloe Grace Moretz has a very small role but nothing that marks out her future potential.

Some decent action moments and a sprinkling of grit make you think this could end up similiar to the earlier movies in the Seagal filmography but, alas, it's not to be and we just get yet another stinker to add to the pile.

4/10.

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews
Or Amazon is nice at this time of year - https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/Y1ZUCB13HLJD?ref_=wl_share 

Submerged (2005)

Again, I'm not quite sure if my mind has been gradually eroded by all of the Steven Seagal movies that I have watched this year or if I'm just an easily pleased soul (or a mixture of the two) but I enjoyed Submerged, especially considering how bad I'd heard it was. Oh, it's absolute nonsense that doesn't make one shred of sense but it at least moves along briskly enough, has a few decent action moments (though few of them actually involve Seagal busting out any moves) and benefits from the presence of the lovely Alison King (a woman probably best known to UK viewers nowadays for her role as Carla Connor in that institution known as Coronation Street).

The plot is so rubbish that if I tried to explain all of the minor details I would probably give myself an embolism from the stream of garbage flowing into my mind. All you need to know is that Seagal plays a tough leader of a group of men who were all unjustly imprisoned after a mission went wrong. They are offered a complete pardon and some tempting cash if they all go on another dangerous mission and put an end to a dangerous individual who has managed to brainwash multiple individuals and make them into the ultimate secret assassins.

Directed and co-written by Anthony Hickox (who started his directorial career with great movies like Waxwork and the enjoyable Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth), seeing his name on the credits made me slightly optimistic. Seeing that Paul De Souza co-wrote the script did absolutely nothing for me as I'd never heard of the guy before in my life.

I knew that Seagal would be the main actor so that was either good or bad, depending on what version of his "great and powerful Oz" persona he was going to be providing us with this time around. Vinnie Jones was also in the cast. Snigger all you want, I've often enjoyed Vinnie Jones in his screen roles but he really should stick to smaller parts in bigger movies than risking ridicule in something like this - most of his dialogue is awful. And William Hope had a bit of screentime, someone I've enjoyed seeing since his memorable turn in Aliens. Christine Adams is tolerable but Alison King is the better female to watch onscreen, though I have no idea what was going on with her accent as it didn't sound like her usual voice yet also didn't sound like any decent imitation of any other local vocal style.

It may spend very little time on a submarine considering the title of the film is Submerged, and the action is edited a bit too ferociously in places, but there are enough good individual moments here to make it worth a watch and it remains a couple of notches above the worst Seagal movies (with the very worst that I've seen STILL being Ticker).

5/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Submerged-DVD-Steven-Seagal/dp/B000A0GLF8

Shadow Man (2006)

First of all, a quick note to any more observant readers of my ongoing Seagal quest. Due to a bit of a chronological cock-up (to use the technical term) I ended up seeing this movie by mistake and WILL be playing catch up over the next few weeks with the films I should have already seen before viewing this one. With that out of the way, let's get on with the review.

You may be surprised to know that this Steven Seagal movie sees our main man as an ex-special ops intelligence superspy ninja type of guy. You may be even more surprised to learn that he has a young daughter who is whisked away and put in some danger, giving Seagal a personal reason to slap lots of people around. Everything is connected to some formula for a new biological weapon that Seagal is, unwittingly, in possession. Okay, so if you've seen other Seagal movies then none of this will surprise you.

At this stage in his career, you'll also already suspect that the movie contains the following: bad acting, low production values, a number of limp action sequences and plenty of nonsense that serves to show off Seagal as the cross between Buddha and MacGyver he clearly thinks he is.

The genuine surprise comes from the cast. Imelda Staunton tries on an American accent and hopefully never lets anyone else in on the fact that she starred in a Seagal movie. Eva Pope and Alex Ferns represent, respectively, Coronation Street and Eastenders. Surely, any number of decent TV projects would have been a better choice for these ex-soap stars but they decide, instead, to embarrass themselves for the sake of action movie glory (please read that sentence with as sarcastic a tone as possible).

Michael Keusch directs and shows why his name is still relatively unknown for someone who has worked on over 50 different projects. I'm sure that he managed to keep Seagal happy but he doesn't please anyone else, though undemanding fans who have damaged their minds already with the worst from their hero may find this at least tolerable.

The story is, unsurprisingly, from Seagal (co-written by Steve Collins and Joe Halpin) and that explains most of the failings. There's nobody else worth bothering about in a movie that doesn't even provide a hero worthy of rooting for. But, to damn the film with faint praise, it's still a notch or two above the worst that the Steven Seagal has appeared in.

4/10

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews
Or Amazon is nice at this time of year - https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/Y1ZUCB13HLJD?ref_=wl_share 

Into The Sun (2005)

Steven Seagal stars in this movie co-written by Steven Seagal and based on a story by Steven Seagal (with Joe Halpin). It also has one Steven Seagal listed as producer and on the soundtrack you can hear the musical stylings, on occasion, of Steven Seagal. Yet, despite that overabundance of Seagal, it's actually not that bad.

The essence of the story is all about a man who can deal with the Yakuza and sort out a spiralling crime problem before everyone ends up losing. That one man is, as you may have guessed, Steven Seagal. Nobody else really matters because, as Seagal fans well know by now, everything will succeed or fail as Seagal wants it.

Directed by someone who calls himself Mink (but who was born Christopher Wingfield Morrison and who should stop trying to evade that fact with such a silly pseudonym), Into The Sun is a bit of a muddled mess but is also surprisingly entertaining throughout, mainly due to some brutal and straightforward violence that recalls the no-nonsense style that Seagal used to promote in his earliest movies.

The acting is quite bad but well above the quality of the last few Seagal movies. The main man himself does okay, Matthew Davis is enjoyable enough as an FBI agent partnered up with our gruff hero and the ever-wonderful William Atherton is as wonderful as ever. Some other people do okay, some other people are terrible - it didn't actually matter to me all that much as I watched the occasional fight sequence and the frequent arterial sprays of blood.

While not actually a great movie, this should provide some relief to Seagal fans who have continued to support the man throughout his career and received nothing but almost consistently slapdash and lazy movies since the turn of the 21st century.

5/10.

If you have enjoyed this, or any other, review on the blog then do consider the following ways to show your appreciation. A subscription/follow costs nothing.
It also costs nothing to like/subscribe to the YouTube channel attached to the podcast I am part of - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCErkxBO0xds5qd_rhjFgDmA
Or you may have a couple of quid to throw at me, in Ko-fi form - https://ko-fi.com/kevinmatthews
Or Amazon is nice at this time of year - https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/Y1ZUCB13HLJD?ref_=wl_share