Netflix And Chill: Polaroid (2019)

Here we go again, it's another one of those teen horrors that almost seem so deliberately bad you would almost think it's either a) a parody of mainstream teen horror, or b) something churned out by film-makers who attended an online course entitled "How To Create And Sell Teen Horror 101", for a total course fee of $150, including $25 to get your framed certificate at the end of it all (email versions available for the much lower price of $5).

There's a Polaroid camera at the heart of this one, of course.You take photos with is, a shadowy figure appears in the photos, and then the people in the phoros end up dying. This is a pattern very easily spotted by quirky high school student Bird Fitcher (Kathryn Prescott, and, yes, someone decided that could actually be someone's name . . . apologies to the multitude of people named Bird Fitcher out there). In fact, she and her friends accept this strange scenario very quickly, investigating the history of the camera, who created it, and trying not to be viewed with too much suspicion by Sheriff Pembroke (Mitch Pileggi).

Directed by Lars Klevberg (who did better work on the sorely-misjudged remake/reworking of Child's Play), it's hard to view this as anything more than an unfocused and derivative mess of a horror film that doesn't have any good intentions. There ARE very occasional moments that stand out, I can think of two highlights in the third act that prove to be too little too late, but the direction is disappointingly mediocre throughout, and the script, by Blair Butler, is one of the worst I can think of in recent memory. None of the characters are worth giving a shit about, the dialogue meanders between the eye-rollingly inane and the horribly dull, and the way the plot unfolds is all the worse because Butler clearly thinks he has some good ideas to add to the mix (someone should have told him that he really doesn't).

I want to spend a decent amount of time also complaining about Prescott, who has all of the screen presence of a piece of plasterboard, but it's unfair to criticise her for being unable to do any more with a script that has all of the strength of wet toilet roll. The only two people who manage to polish the turd for a few minutes at a time are Pileggi, unsurprisingly, and also Grace Zabriskie (again, unsurprisingly so). These two veterans are given just enough screentime to lift this whole endeavour from the very bottom of the barrel, and they both do their usual good work with material that really doesn't deserve their effort. Tyler Young, Samantha Logan, Keenan Tracey, Priscilla Quintana, et al aren't so much a decent supporting cast as more of a collection of H & M models who were hanging around when the casting director realised it was the day before principal shooting was about to begin.

In case I have not made myself absolutely clear above, this is horrible. One to avoid, even if you're an undemanding teen horror fan. I've STILL seen much worse, but that doesn't excuse just how bad this is. Or, I guess you could say, how undeveloped.

3/10

If you hate yourself then you can buy the movie here.

The Glow (2002)

A slick, enjoyable TV movie, The Glow benefits from some fun performances, an enjoyable premise and the way that the film unfolds with the viewers staying at least two steps ahead of the central characters.

Dean Cain plays Matt Lawrence, a man who is mugged while out jogging in the first scene of the film. He is approached, and befriended, by some elderly people who offer to let him use their home and telephone to contact his wife, Jackie (Portia de Rossi). By the time Jackie arrives, Matt has well and truly made friends with his saviours. In fact, they've all been getting on so well that Matt has been told about a vacant apartment in the block that could be just perfect for he and his wife. The other tenants own the block, and therefore keep the rents within reason, and really seem to take a shine to the "youngsters" so it's not long until Matt and Jackie cave in and accept the offer. But it also not long until Jackie starts to suspect that all isn't as it seems. Her elderly neighbours are quite obsessed with health and fitness, people start to go missing and events start to seem as if they are being manipulated to take both Matt and Jackie to a certain point.

Directed competently enough by Craig R. Baxley, and written by Gary Sherman (who adapted the book by Brooks Stanwood), The Glow is nonsense, but it doesn't put on any airs and graces. Despite the ridiculous premise, it plays everything straight and relatively safe. Think of it as an extended episode of Goosebumps for adults and you're on the right track.

Cain and de Rossi are okay in the lead roles, with the latter overacting just enough to add some amusement to the proceedings, but it's the older cast members who make this more enjoyable than it should be. Hal Linden and Dina Nerrill both have a twinkle in their eyes, and Grace Zabriskie plays a character with a tongue as sharp as her attitude. Sabrina Grdevich and Jason Blicker play the obligatory friends who get caught up in the situation as things eventually become clear in the second half, and Phoenix Gonzales and Nelson Tynes are two other, non-OAP, tenants in the building.

Although it doesn't include anything extra to spice up the material, this is solid entertainment. I was never bored, I wanted the central characters to realise what they were getting into as events unfolded, and I'd watch it again if it ever came on TV and I was too far away from the remote control. It's nothing special, but it's not bad. It's not bad at all.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Glow-uncut-english-audio/dp/B004XJ6SXW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378899202&sr=8-1&keywords=the+glow