Followed (2018)

I didn’t think I was going to love Followed, but I was in the mood for some undemanding, found footage, horror. As much as it can lead to some of the worst of the genre, it can also provide a number of easy and entertaining scares. Followed has some easy and entertaining scares, I suppose I should say that before I get too distracted with my criticism of it, but they aren’t good enough to make up for the laziness, and poor taste, of the main idea. And I say this as someone who can enjoy superior tasteless fare with the best of them.

The story revolves around a vlogger named Mike (Matthew Solomon) who decides to visit the infamous, and allegedly haunted, Lennox Hotel. Mike and his colleagues will check out the whole hotel, but they will focus on emulating the last moments of Meghan Kim, last seen acting very odd in an elevator.

Do you see what I mean already about laziness and poor taste? Yes, Followed is a horror movie that basically wants to recreate everything you have probably already heard about Elisa Lam and the Cecil Hotel. Which might not seem that bad if that story still lacked an explanation, still had the full mystery surrounding it, but those who have fully explored that case without wearing a tinfoil hat, or desperately shoehorning their own theories into the actual events, will know that what happened was actually a very sad and tragic accident, undoubtedly caused by some mental health issues. The story of Elisa Lam was intriguing, and I am sure it will crop up again and again in the years to come as younger people stumble across that bizarre elevator footage, but then it was explained. The intrigue is gone. All that leaves is footage of someone stressed and ill. 

Considering what actually happened with the Elisa Lam case, and the nauseating comments from people who would visit the hotel and somehow think they could feel a connection to her, I am not entirely against something being created that skewers those armchair detectives and conspiracy theorists who travelled to the hotel and made vlogs about their time there. It would have to be a lot better than this though.

Writer Todd Klick (as good a surname as any if you are going to write a film about a vlogger looking to boost traffic and subscriber numbers) doesn’t do anything clever with the concept, adding details that are as groan-inducing as they are unnecessary. I will admit that the final scene is an attempt at a decent “punchline”, but it is too little too late. Director Antoine Le sets up a couple of fun scares throughout, but he loses his way whenever it is time to flesh out any characters or keep propelling the plot along. This isn’t a long film, just over an hour and a half, but the first half really drags in between those infrequent scares.

The cast are okay, I guess. Solomon is joined by Tim Drier, Sam Valentine, and Caitlin Grace, his little movie crew, but they struggle to overcome the weak script. Kelsey Griswold, Christopher Ross Martin, and John Savage play other key characters, and are equally hampered by the script, and poor Sarah Chang ends up playing the part of Elisa . . . I mean Meghan Kim.

If this had been written better, and that would include more memorable characters and a healthy sense of disdain for them, then this could have been worthwhile. It could have been easier to forgive the feeling of it being a squalid little “cash-in”. It isn’t though. It is a weak script with weak presentation. Just watch a documentary on the Cecil Hotel instead.

3/10

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Bonus Review: Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

It's a movie made for the SyFy Channel. It's made by The Asylum. Yes folks, roll up your sleeves. Things are about to get a bit bumpy. People who know me, or have read enough of my reviews, will know that I have a soft spot for these movies. I equate them to the cheap 'n' cheerful b-movies of yesteryear, with crappy CGI replacing dodgy practical effects. But even I'm willing to admit that the output from The Asylum is rarely actually good, in the traditional sense, and they sometimes churn out some real stinkers. In fact, most of their movies look as if they could have been developed from the fake trailers in Tropic Thunder.

No need to beat about the bush here. Bermuda Tentacles is one of their stinkers. The plot is so laughable that you may not believe it, but I'll cover the basics anyway. Air Force One gets into a bit of trouble over the sea, forcing the President Of The United States to eject in an emergency pod. A number of Navy vessels appear some time later, with orders to rescue the POTUS, and find themselves attacked by huge creatures that resemble overgrown flukeworms. It turns out that those creatures are actually connected to something much bigger, something that may have been causing so many disappearances over the waters of Bermuda for many years.

When watching any movie from The Asylum, it's always useful to remember a few key points. First of all, they have three different main sets they like to use. One is an all-purpose warehouse, which can double as a lab, military facility, prison, etc. The second is a ship/submarine/aeroplane - all vehicles which can be created with handy use of pipes, monitors, and machines that go ping. The third, and final, main set they use is an alien craft.
Second thing to bear in mind, they always try to get some big names to place in key roles. In Bermuda Tentacle we get Linda Hamilton as an Admiral, Jamie Kennedy as a Doctor (god help us all), and . . . . . . . . Mya as a Lieutenant. If you don't know who Mya is, she was the one who made you ask "who the hell is that?" in the all-star cover of Lady Marmalade that appeared up on the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. None of those people are the real hero of the hour, however, as that honour goes to Trevor Donovan, playing the kind of tough military man who can defy orders if he thinks he has a better way to approach the situation.
Last, but not least, remember that most of the movie will be made up of the aforementioned crappy CGI, repeated use of any "money shots", and many scenes horribly padded out to ensure that they outstay their welcome within moments.

The acting on display here isn't great, with everyone stuck belting out cliches from the script (written by Geoff Meed). The direction from Nick Lyon is barely okay, and that's me being kind. The whole movie is just a bit of a mess, starting off at a quick pace and then having to tread water, no pun intended, for the next hour or so. If you can watch this movie and care about the outcome by the time the third act comes around then you're a better viewer than I am.

3/10

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The Orphan Killer (2011)

The internet has brought us all closer together in ways that could hardly have been imagined decades ago. With the help of blog chat, Twitter and, of course, Facebook I now have hundreds of friends I really do count as friends (having met them in person or not). I'm also in touch with lots of people I like, even if we're not close friends. People who keep things interesting, people who put themselves over well, people I like having in my ether-based social circle. Of course, a lot of those people have various projects that they are involved with and things get potentially awkward when our paths cross in a semi-professional capacity. I have to stay honest, without being rude (I hope), while the person who helped make whatever I am reviewing may like what I have to say or, indeed, loathe it. Matt Farnsworth is one of those people, and I had been aiming to see his movie, The Orphan Killer, for a long time. Unfortunately, I didn't like it.

The story is simple. David Backus plays the titular killer, a man determined to pursue and destroy his sister (Diane Foster) because when they were both orphaned at a young age she was adopted and he wasn't. That's really all there is to it. The Orphan Killer kills some people, wanders around, toys with his sister for quite some time and spouts lines of dialogue that make you think he really just wants to be adopted up by a passing gang of cenobites.

I'm not going to say that The Orphan Killer is unwatchable. If you love some extreme gore then there are a few moments here that are genuinely impressive in how nasty things get. The practical effects are fantastic and worthy of praise. In fact, even the mask worn by the killer is a fine piece of work. It's just a shame that nothing else in the movie matches these moments, leaving it as a film JUST for easily satisfied gorehounds.

Written and directed by Farnsworth, who also has a role in the film, there are too many amateur errors that pile up to make this a more difficult viewing experience than it should be. That's not to say that he can't/won't learn and do better with his next film, but I'm not going to "blow smoke up his ass" on this occasion.

First of all, the sound mix is awful. I don't know if there was a problem with my rental download, but the audio was so distorted that I had to lower the volume to a ridiculously low level just to make out what was being said. That didn't matter whenever some metal music was blaring on the soundtrack, which was for almost every minute of the movie (including an enjoyable cover version of "Cry Little Sister").

Then the geography of the movie was far too random and non-cohesive. The main setting was an abandoned area behind a church that had a dance studio/hall at the back and a few corridors that looked like a school. These MIGHT all be in the same building, but it always feels like there are three very different buildings being used with poor editing choices and a lack of unifying production design.

Third, we have the old problem of a killer able to murder-death-kill people in the blink of an eye then going on to take an absolute age when it comes to "the final girl". Seriously, this guy suddenly gets so chatty and stilted that he should consider returning as a James Bond villain. And a lot of the religious talk feels almost laughable, it's someone trying to add weightiness to a character that didn't even have to speak in the first place.

The acting from Backus and Foster is decent enough, and the cast also includes James McCaffrey, John Savage and Karen Young, but it's overwhelmed by the many other poor choices that add up to spoil the movie.

The central concept is a goodie, and the backstory is nicely laid out throughout the movie. I hope that Matt can rework some similar ideas into a future movie and really show his work at its best, but I fear that the people already praising this film too highly will stop that from happening.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/The-Orphan-Killer/dp/B00D4LTBUC/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1370504376&sr=8-4&keywords=the+orphan+killer

Carnosaur 2 (1995)

In case you haven't seen Carnosaur, or have been lucky enough to wipe it from your memory, here is my review of it here (0 out of 4 people found that useful, oh woe is me). For those wanting to get up to speed without going through any unnecessary pain, here is the briefest synopsis - someone went out of their way to recreate dinosaurs and that led to a number of scenes in which a puppet was shown with lots of fhasling lights behind it whenever it would attack someone. Things built up to a finale in which the puppet had to be dealt with, of course.

Carnosaur 2 might follow on from the first movie but you wouldn't really know that while watching the film. It works just fine as a standalone film - there's a throwaway line or two explaining the science behind the thing but that's about it. In fact, I can't even recall if the main character mentioned anything that linked specifically to the first movie so perhaps the only link would be dinosaur puppets.

Okay, okay, I'm being a bit harsh there. The dinosaurs are made to look a bit better this time around but that's the only improvement. The plot sees a bunch of folk that it's hard to care for investigating a mystery that isn't a mystery at an abandoned facility. People start to get picked off and then the truth comes out that there might be some dinosaurs in the facility. Oh dear.

Directed by Louis Morneau, and written by Michael Palmer, Carnosaur 2 loses the sense of fun that the first film had. Oh, the first film was bad but it was bad in an enjoyable way. This one even misses that mark and is just bad. We get the usual low-budget setting with no invention to provide any variety, an awful script and a cast of far-from-A-listers.

It's always good to see Miguel A. Nunez Jr. onscreen, no matter how small his role, so that's a small plus that makes up for having to spend time with John Savage, Cliff De Young, Don Stroud, Rick Dean, Ryan Thomas Johnson and even the pretty Arabella Holzbog. They're not awful but the individual below-average ability seems to join together and form one great pool of soul-sapping . . . . . . . . rubbish.

If you fancy seeing something that has some cheap dinosaur effects in it, a mixed bag of actors and a number of moments that will provide you with unintentional hilarity then see the first movie. If you fancy torturing yourself, as I often do, then see this one.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Carnosaur-2-John-Savage/dp/B000087F29/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1351025266&sr=8-2&keywords=carnosaur+2