Witchcraft 16: Hollywood Coven (2016)

Here we are. We made it. How are you all feeling? I am relieved, which should come as no surprise to anyone who has seen me suffer through this series (a genre-tinged selection of films that manages to be worse than any other series I have endured so far, ANY).

Most people who know me tend to know that my stubborn refusal to give up on any movie I am watching has led me to sit through lengthy, and sometimes interminable, disasters that would have broken lesser (aka more sane) viewers. That being said, the Witchcraft movies nearly broke my steely resolve on a number of occasions, especially whenever I had to count the instalments that I was yet to watch. Could the final film, at this time (god have mercy, let there be no more), manage to offer me something more than more disappointment and misery?

No.

The only new thing that this sixteenth, and final (please, please, PLEASE let it remain the final), instalment brings to the table is a meta approach to the material that somehow allows everyone involved to make it for even less money than some of the other films in the series. And, knowing how cheap this series can be, that is saying something.

Director David Palmieri returns, as do the cast members from the past two films, and it's obvious that these movies were all made within a very short space of time, perhaps even just a week or two, perhaps even less than that, and then chopped up and churned out to make some more money from . . . . I really don't know. I have no idea who was still eagerly waiting for a new Witchcraft movie at this point.

Sean Abley returns as writer, perhaps hoping to do something that would reinvigorate the series, but he has one decent idea that is then quickly wasted, leaving many scenes to play out in almost exactly the same way they did in the previous films.

Molly Dougherty, Noel VanBrocklin, and Zamra Dollskin are the same as ever, as are Berna Roberts, Leroy Castanon, and Ryan Cleary (still the worst of the Will Spanners). Ernest Pierce gets a bit more to do this time around, but doesn't make the most of the opportunity.

Look, the whole thing is dire and I am just happy that the whole experience is now one that I can put behind me, for now. I don't advise anyone else to check these films out, certainly not all sixteen of them anyway, and I can't wholeheartedly recommend any of them. I just hope that it's a long time before I have another idea quite as dumb as this one.

2/10


Buy a good dose of witchcraft here.
Americans can get their witchy woo on here.

Witchcraft 15: Blood Rose (2016)

"And now, the end is near

And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I've traveled each and every highway
But more, much more than this
I . . . . watched the Witchcraft series."

I can almost taste the bittersweet victory as I approach this self-imposed finish line. This is the penultimate entry in the Witchcraft series (so far) and if I have made it this far then you can be damn sure that I will drag myself, crying and bleeding, to the very end.

Following on from the last movie, this film sees Rose (Molly Dougherty) returning, as well as Sharon (Noel VanBrocklin), Tara (Zamra Dollskin), Will Spanner (Ryan Cleary), Lutz (Berna Roberts), and Garner (Leroy Castanon). Rose finds herself in trouble this time when her body is being used by another witch who wants to kill others and steal their souls.

Written this time by Sean Abley, this takes the logical step after the almost-bearable last instalment by creating a storyline that is nonsensical, boring, and almost completely inept. Or do I mean inane? Incompetent?

Director David Pamieri matches the script, doing absolutely nothing to freshen things up after the previous film. It's a bad sign that, despite the usual short runtime, the first 5 minutes or so consists of footage recycled from the finale of Witchcraft 14: Angel Of Death. Pamieri does nothing, he doesn't even make the smallest effort, to cover the deficiencies in the script.

Dougherty does better here than she did the last time around but she is, sadly, the only one. Perhaps both movies were filmed over a few days and this was her best. VanBrocklin and Dollskin are both quite bad, Roberts and Castanon feel like they have less time to shine (and I use the word "shine" in the loosest sense), and Cleary remains one of the worst people to have portrayed Will Spanner in the whole series, which is really saying something. At least Diana Prince fans get to see a bit of Diana Prince.

There's nothing more that can be said about this, a sub-par entry in a film series that limped far beyond what anyone could have expected of it. I doubt anything improves in the next instalment, but the fact that it is, hopefully, the last I will have to watch for some time is enough to make me think I will view it in a slightly better light.

2/10

Buy a good dose of witchcraft here.
Americans can get their witchy woo on here.

Witchcraft 14: Angel Of Death (2016)

It's the fourteenth instalment in this series. I long ago gave up on the idea of any originality, or even any level of basic technical competence, but I am going to make it through this entire series, as long as I have all of my main faculties available to me (which looks less and less likely with each film I subject myself to).

Rose (Molly Dougherty) is a young woman with supernatural powers. Viewers find this out when she destroys the lover of her partner, and then goes on to destroy him. She soon comes to the attention of Samuel (Jeremy Sykes), a man who runs a yoga studio, but who is more concerned with connecting with women that he knows have certain powers. He uses Sharon (Noel VanBrocklin) and Tara (Zamra Dollskin) to make Rose feel more comfortable, all while moving further towards his nefarious end goal.

Director David Palmieri joins the series here, and he would also direct the next two films. Palmieri is either better than his predecessors at stretching the budget or, more plausibly, the lowering prices of filmmaking equipment that can provide decent results leads to this being a minor step up from quite a few of the previous entries in the series. It's still not good when compared to actual movies that have had a bit more effort put into them, but it's not as bad in terms of the visual and audio quality.

The script from Keith Parker, however, is as ridiculous and unbelievable as any of the other Witchcraft movies. I have given a brief plot summary without revealing any of the extra details, especially one or two third act "highlights", but trust me when I say that it's just supernatural silliness from beginning to end. We get returning characters in the shape of Will Spanner (played by Ryan Cleary this time), and Lutz (Berna Roberts) and Garner (Leroy Castanon), and none of them are fazed by the events that they have now dealt with numerous times before.

Should I be polite about the cast members? I guess so. Nobody is there to win an Academy Award, and they do what is asked of them, overall. Dougherty is actually one of the better females to have a Witchcraft film under her belt, VanBrocklin and Dollskin are stuck with worse parts of the script, Roberts and Castanon work reasonably well together, and Sykes tries to inject a bit of fun into his performance. The only person I can't pretend to tolerate is Cleary, who is one of the worst actors to portray the ever-changing face of Will Spanner in the entire series. Sadly, as well as the director, he also carries over to the next two films. Yayyyyyyyy.

Not as painful as many of the other instalments, this still doesn't do enough to be considered a good movie.

3/10

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