Tarot (2024)

I think I need to clarify something at the very start of this review. I didn’t like Tarot. Not only did I dislike it, it is one of those slick and tame horror movies that embodies the worst of modern horror. There’s even a moment that makes use of my favourite trope to laugh at (the train that can quietly sneak up on someone while going along at great speed). But, and this is a big but (because I often like big buts and I cannot lie), there were elements here that I appreciated, and would have loved to see incorporated in a better film.

The plot could be written on the back of a matchbox. Some youngsters find a deck of tarot cards, one reads the fortune for each of the friends, and then they start dying in ways that seem linked to those readings. That is it. There’s then a race against time to figure things out, and figure out a way to prevent any further deaths.

Adapted from a book, “Horrorscope” by Nicholas Adams, this lazy mess was both co-written and co-directed by Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg, both seemingly unable to do more than the bare minimum for the material. The dialogue is often inane, the plotting doesn’t have enough distractions around a few decent set-pieces, and the screen is often darker than my soul, which is a shame when you actually get a chance to enjoy some of the production design.

The cast are almost all eminently forgettable, this is unlikely to be a big break for any of them, with the only two standouts being Jacob Batalon and Avantika, only because I have been familiar with them in other film roles. If Batalon’s character was played by anyone else then he could have easily been far too annoying, and he comes close as it is. Harriet Slater and Adain Bradley get most of the screentime, compared to everyone else in their core group, but viewers will just want them to get out of the way while they try to get a better view of the tarot card characters.

Those characters are a big plus for the film, with the design of them making up for the poor editing choices and inconsistency of their methodology. It wouldn’t have taken much to turn this into something decent, either showcasing the characters in a better way or, alternatively, hiding them away to make the set-pieces more in line with some Final Destination moments. Cohen and Halberg go for the easiest and laziest options though, and the end result is a missed opportunity that never gives you anything to fully appreciate. 

And yet . . . I STILL preferred this to The First Omen. Which probably says enough to make people completely ignore my opinions on recent horror movies.

4/10

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Moonfall (2022)

Despite strong competition from a couple of other blockbusters from the past decade or so, including at least one other film also from director Roland Emmerich, Moonfall is the dumbest mainstream release you will see this year, and perhaps even the dumbest mainstream movie you will ever see. It is so dumb that it at least makes it easier to forget about following the plot and just concentrate on the spectacle of the whole thing. In fact, I think it might be dangerous to try keeping your brain fully switched on while watching this.

Basically, in the way of almost all Emmerich movies, something happens at the start that teases the mass devastation due to come along later in the movie. The very basic premise is, as the title tells you, the moon changing orbit. Earth has about three weeks to figure out a solution. The only hope for humanity lies with Jocinda Fowler (a top bod at NASA, played by Halle Berry), Brian Harper (a disgraced ex-astronaut, played by Patrick Wilson), and KC Houseman (an amateur . . . skywatcher, a label I will use to avoid spoilers, played by John Bradley). Meanwhile, tsunamis start destroying major cities, gravity is changing, and people seem remarkably unconcerned about the threat of super-werewolves.

Co-written by Emmerich, Harald Kloser, and Spenser Cohen, here is a film that almost gets things so right, but ultimately ruins the third act with an overdose of CGI madness that makes it genuinely hard to see, or even know, what is going on. The fun ideas set up in the opening act become less fun as things met become more relentless. And there are only so many times you can look at a supermoon in the sky before it becomes worthy of little more than a shrug (once, one time is all you need).

Emmerich can direct this kind of stuff in his sleep, but he seems to get very easily distracted by the toys at his disposal. He is a man who doesn’t believe in “less is more”. More is more, and more on top of that, and even more. It’s tiring, especially by the time you get to a final act that manages to be overlong and surprisingly unsatisfying.

The cast do what is asked of them, and their performances are in line with the material. Berry comes out of it best, having to be the level-headed lead of the mission, and Wilson tries hard, despite being weighed down by the many clichés that he’s given (washed up, no money, a beer in the morning, a son he hasn’t always been as close to). Bradley is a mixture of comic relief and Mr. Exposition, he does well enough in his role, but his character is an odd one to turn into a hero, for obvious reasons. Charlie Plummer plays the son of Wilson’s character, Michael Peña is the stepfather you suspect may end up moonstruck to pave the way for a reconnection between Wilson and Carolina Bartczak (as his ex-wife), and Wenwen Yu is absolutely wasted in a role that feels horribly undefined.

If you need something that will provide spectacle without taxing your brain then this might just fit the bill. Personally, I would recommend (re)watching past glories, pick from either the fantastic The Day After Tomorrow or the silliness of 2012. Pick Independence Day (not exactly the same kind of movie, but the template is similar enough). This isn’t as good as any of those. But it still isn’t as bad as Geostorm.

5/10

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