Wednesday, 20 April 2011

10 things that would prolong my lifespan in the movie world.

1) I would never, ever believe a woman who was totally out of my league would chat me up and want the pleasure of my company for any reason other than a) framing me for a crime b) killing me in cold blood or c) killing me in cold blood and framing me for a crime.

2) If ever being chased by a car I will remember the main things that nobody else ever remembers. A car has a much wider turning circle than a human being (you could just keep running in a tight circle less than a foot from the front bumber and that thing would never hit you) and, more importantly, I would get OFF the fucking road rather than keep running in a straight line in front of oncoming automotive death.

3) I would stay away from anyone who is making the transition from TV land to the big screen. They're normally part of a cast being murder death killed.

4) I'd avoid Texas.

5) A coward may die a thousand times while a hero dies only once but the cowardly deaths are not actual, physical expirations. I'll take those odds.

6) In the event of any major disaster, I will not put myself close to someone about to retire, about to get married, in love with a pregnant partner or desperate to redeem some past mistake.

7) Headshots all the way, hell yeah.

8) If someone ever asks me "what was that noise?" I would reply by saying "why don't you go and check while I stay here with my back against the wall, my gun at the ready and the door barricaded?"

9) I'd never, ever go anywhere that doesn't allow me to get a signal on my mobile phone.

10) I'd never change my name to Michael Biehn.

And that is how I'd ensure my survival. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah.


  1. Hehe, I'll be sure to remember those things Kev :)
    No.9 reminded me of this YouTube montage I saw a while back: Wow, it's really hard to get a signal if you're in a horror movie!

  2. That montage was fab. Mobile phones have become quite the stumbling block for horror movie creators and I always laugh whenever I see them being put out of action.