Expend4bles (2023)

If there was ever a prime modern movie example of nominative determinism then I suggest you can find it here, where a fourth Expendables movie has been co-written by someone named Tad Daggerhart. He sounds like he should BE one of The Expendables, never mind writing their adventures. And, judging by this mess, maybe he could have improved things.

This is another film in which Sylvester Stallone leads a team of tough guys on a dangerous mission. Except he sort of doesn’t. So it is a film in which Jason Statham is put front and centre as the new leader. Except he sort of isn’t. So it’s up to Megan Fox to be sexy and badass, which she sort of . . . you get the picture. Nothing here works, nothing, and any further attempt to summarize the plot would simply give you false hope. Let’s just all be clear that this is a film that starts with Stallone getting his tough mate to confront and beat up a bar full of guys because he lost his ring in a gambling session. It wasn’t stolen. He wasn’t duped. He got drunk and sloppy, lost his precious ring, and now storms back in like some kid who has made up a story about another kid he wants to see cry when his dad gives him a telling off.

As well as Daggerhart, this mess was co-written by Kurt Wimmer (who at least did much better with Statham on his most recent film, The Beekeeper) and Max Adams. I am not sure if they had much freedom with the writing, a lot of these movies seem to be plotted around the stars and their screen presence, but they have to now shoulder the blame nonetheless.

The direction from Scott Waugh doesn’t help. Waugh has a few films under his belt now, none of them are particularly great, but few are as bad as this, and he seems unable to do the best with any material he is given. His best asset here is the cast, because he also has Tony Jaa and Iko Uwais at his disposal, but they are almost uniformly wasted.

Sly does what Sly always does, even if he steps back this time around to let others take more of the strain and the bruises, and Statham is as dependable as ever when he is given a decent amount of screentime. That is the big problem though. A whole host of people are here, with none of them getting to do anything truly worthwhile. Jaa is wasted, Uwais is wasted, Fox is wasted. Dolph Lundgren? Levy Tran? Andy Garcia? All wasted. But at least there’s time for Randy Coutoure and Jacob Scipio to have some unfunny and unwanted banter together, and 50 Cent gets to be part of the team long enough to be involved in a scene that creates a diversion using . . . a 50 Cent song.

I have enjoyed all of these movies, to some degree, and I am quite easily pleased. Not to offend a large group of people, but I think the majority of those who lapped up the blend of nostalgia and action presented in this concept are generally as easy to please as myself. This doesn’t please anyone though. It seems to forget the main reason why anyone would want to see an Expendables movie, which is a real shame. Easily the worst of the lot, and I hope they stop now before figuring out some way to hit a new low.

3/10

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