Shudder Saturday: Children Of The Corn (2020)

For many of my age, Children Of The Corn feels like another of those fun little movies that everyone saw as soon as it hit VHS. I'm not sure how well it did in cinemas, if it did well at all, but it was a film that felt like a popular choice for us horror kids . . . perhaps because it allowed us to watch some actual "horror kids" onscreen. Everything should have ended with that one film though, allowing us to view it as a cherished cult classic that was too weird to turn into a franchise. But no, now we have a franchise. And I've seen all but one of the damn things. Missing that one wasn't a deliberate decision. I just lost track of how many bloody instalments there are in the series.

This is the second remake, using the word quite loosely. It has corn. It has some killer kids. It also has writing and direction from Kurt Wimmer. And it's not good.

Kate Moyer plays Eden Edwards, the main child at the heart of all the nastiness this time around. It's all to do with the power of the corn, of course, and action is spurred on by the adults in a small community making the decision to get rid of their crop and use the fields in a different way. The main adults to feel the wrath of the children are Robert Williams (Callan Mulvey) and Pastor Penney (Bruce Spence). Robert might have a route to safety though, being supported and assisted by his daughter, Boleyn (Elena Kampouris).

The longer it has been since I last saw the 1984 Children Of The Corn, the more fondly I remember it. I know that I'm being unfair when I compare any remakes or sequels to something I am viewing with some nostalgia filters firmly in place. But that feels like less of a problem when other attempts to adapt the material seem to step further and further away from the simple joy of it. All you need is a small town, a lot of corn, and evil kids killing off the adults. While this film has those elements in place, the ratio feels all wrong, leading to the end result feeling completely fumbled.

Wimmer isn't exactly a sign of quality, considering the wildly varying quality of his filmography, and he seems to spend his time here making every wrong decision possible, from poor pacing and a lack of real scares/tension to a disappointing scarcity of memorable characters. And don't even get me started on how ridiculous the ending is, even in comparison to the silliness of the original movie.

At least Moyer is great fun, doing her best to make the whole thing watchable as she toys with the adults around her. She's the only real highlight though. Kampouris isn't a good lead, and not helped by her character being so poorly written, and Mulvey and Spence play people you actually just want to see meet a nasty end. Not because they're necessarily evil, although it's certainly suggested that one is more deserving of death than the other, but because they're main characters who feel designated for some kind of special fate.

Bad writing, bad effects (although they remain better than most of the eye-hurting CGI from the many other films in this series), and bad performances make this a sadly wasted opportunity, considering it looks to have secured a relatively decent budget for being such a late entry into a cornfield that should have been razed many years ago.

3/10

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Expend4bles (2023)

If there was ever a prime modern movie example of nominative determinism then I suggest you can find it here, where a fourth Expendables movie has been co-written by someone named Tad Daggerhart. He sounds like he should BE one of The Expendables, never mind writing their adventures. And, judging by this mess, maybe he could have improved things.

This is another film in which Sylvester Stallone leads a team of tough guys on a dangerous mission. Except he sort of doesn’t. So it is a film in which Jason Statham is put front and centre as the new leader. Except he sort of isn’t. So it’s up to Megan Fox to be sexy and badass, which she sort of . . . you get the picture. Nothing here works, nothing, and any further attempt to summarize the plot would simply give you false hope. Let’s just all be clear that this is a film that starts with Stallone getting his tough mate to confront and beat up a bar full of guys because he lost his ring in a gambling session. It wasn’t stolen. He wasn’t duped. He got drunk and sloppy, lost his precious ring, and now storms back in like some kid who has made up a story about another kid he wants to see cry when his dad gives him a telling off.

As well as Daggerhart, this mess was co-written by Kurt Wimmer (who at least did much better with Statham on his most recent film, The Beekeeper) and Max Adams. I am not sure if they had much freedom with the writing, a lot of these movies seem to be plotted around the stars and their screen presence, but they have to now shoulder the blame nonetheless.

The direction from Scott Waugh doesn’t help. Waugh has a few films under his belt now, none of them are particularly great, but few are as bad as this, and he seems unable to do the best with any material he is given. His best asset here is the cast, because he also has Tony Jaa and Iko Uwais at his disposal, but they are almost uniformly wasted.

Sly does what Sly always does, even if he steps back this time around to let others take more of the strain and the bruises, and Statham is as dependable as ever when he is given a decent amount of screentime. That is the big problem though. A whole host of people are here, with none of them getting to do anything truly worthwhile. Jaa is wasted, Uwais is wasted, Fox is wasted. Dolph Lundgren? Levy Tran? Andy Garcia? All wasted. But at least there’s time for Randy Coutoure and Jacob Scipio to have some unfunny and unwanted banter together, and 50 Cent gets to be part of the team long enough to be involved in a scene that creates a diversion using . . . a 50 Cent song.

I have enjoyed all of these movies, to some degree, and I am quite easily pleased. Not to offend a large group of people, but I think the majority of those who lapped up the blend of nostalgia and action presented in this concept are generally as easy to please as myself. This doesn’t please anyone though. It seems to forget the main reason why anyone would want to see an Expendables movie, which is a real shame. Easily the worst of the lot, and I hope they stop now before figuring out some way to hit a new low.

3/10

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The Beekeeper (2024)

I wasn’t really sure what to expect from this Jason Statham vehicle, especially with director David Ayer working from a script by Kurt Wimmer, and, as the credits rolled, I still wasn’t really sure what I had just watched. Was it good? Was every choice a deliberate one? Was I supposed to care about a twist I could see coming a mile away? I was sure of one thing though. I had fun with it.

Statham is the titular beekeeper, minding his hives and minding his own business. He is invited to dinner by a kindly woman he knows (Phylicia Rashad), but only finds a corpse when he gets there. The woman has been scammed by hackers, losing all of her money and all of the money that belonged to a charity organisation she worked for. Raging at the injustice, Statham decides to return to his role of Beekeeper aka a super-deadly agent who works to protect the hive. The bodies soon start to pile up as the beekeeping analogy is used over and over again, and Statham has to face overwhelming odds on the way to his final target.

What you get here is ridiculous, but it is all being handled by people who seem to know it is ridiculous, whether they are onscreen or behind the camera. As often as I rolled my eyes, I was also smiling at the mix of extreme violence and goofy plotting.

Wimmer should never be a first choice for any screenplay, I won’t traumatise anyone again by mentioning some of his past “glories”, but his material is improved here by a game cast all very aware of what they have gotten themselves into.

Is Ayer a safe pair of hands when it comes to the action? I would say yes. Set-pieces could be smoother, but there is some inventiveness in each main sequence, and he doesn’t allow for the film to be over-edited into incomprehensibility. He could do better, but we have seen the results of him doing a lot worse.

It’s worth remembering, however, that neither Wimmer nor Ayer will be the big draw here (although they do have their fans). This film is being sold as a Statham vehicle, and it delivers on that front. Our leading man has a lot of fun here, doing his usual gruff and deadly schtick, and there’s a real feeling of glee as he throws subtlety to the win at the very start of the film, portraying a character so sure of himself that he will often just enter any confrontation head-on, even telling villains exactly what he is planning to do next. On his tail are two cops (played by Emmy Raver-Lampman and Bobby Naderi), one being the daughter of the deceased, and they are good extra obstacles for The Stath, who doesn’t want to harm anyone innocent. Both Raver-Lampman and Naderi do well in roles that could have been eminently forgettable, especially when interacting with the villains. Ahhhhh, the villains. This is another big plus for the film, especially when Josh Hutcherson swaggers around as some kind of ultimate douche-bro. If you start to suspect that Hutcherson’s character belongs in a ‘90s movie, you will have that suspicion confirmed in a final act that brings on a character named Lazarus (Taylor James) who could have easily been in one of the first two Lethal Weapon movies. Although playing very different types of baddies, Hutcherson and James are equally fun for every minute of their screentime. The same can be said of David Witts, and there is some amusing scenery-chewing from Jeremy Irons, Minnie Driver (in a brief cameo role), and Jemma Redgrave.

Not necessarily an essential cinema viewing, The Beekeeper is an entertaining action flick that feels enjoyably “old school”, in terms of the characters and plotting, without also feeling as if it is trying too hard. Funny and violent, making much better use of Statham than a couple of other recent releases I could mention, this might just give you the action movie buzz you seek.

7/10

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Prime Time: The Misfits (2021)

The continuing disappointment of mediocrity from director Renny Harlin continues with this film, a comedy crime caper that takes a pretty good cast and spends too much time not making the most of their talents. Some people can overcome the flimsy script, Pierce Brosnan having the lead role is a big plus, but it’s a shame that the overriding feeling once the end credits roll is that you’ve just watched something quite lazy and carelessly thrown together.

The title almost tells you everything you need to know. A group of criminals are put together for a big job. They have various skills, and they are happy to be called The Misfits. The target is a man named Schultz (Tim Roth), someone who has made his fortune by building prisons, but has used one such building to house a secret stash of gold. How? Why? Those questions don’t matter. You just need to know that this heist somehow seems overly complicated and ridiculously simple at the same time.

Harlin directs competently enough, this is a light-hearted caper that he can just have some fun with, ensuring that his cast always looks good and there are shots of expensive lifestyle accessories showing the rich pickings around our “heroes”, from lovely watches to lovely supercars. It’s the script that provides all the problems, too preoccupied with banter and wit to actually remember that there should be at least a small bit of tension here and there. It’s no surprise to find that the script was co-written by someone who has previously delivered mainly comedic fare - Robert Henny - and someone who can do enjoyably stupid or just stupid stupid - Kurt Wimmer.

Brosnan seems to be having a ball in his role though, and that enthusiasm is infectious enough to help make the film a lot more tolerable. As for the others in the team, they’re all likeable enough. There’s Nick Cannon, Jamie Chung, Mike Angelo, and Hermione Corfield (playing the daughter of Brosnan’s character), each playing someone bringing their own particular skillset to the group, and you also get fun supporting turns from Rami Jaber, Qais Qandil, and one or two others who are proving to be a help or hindrance to the main plan. Roth is a standard mark - two steps behind, and with plenty of reasons to make his loss justified and more satisfying - and he does what is asked of him, but sadly never feels as dangerous as he should.

It’s slick and bathed in sunshine, but The Misfits is also absolutely disposable. Which isn’t a crime, it just makes it a film that you should never prioritise ahead of many better viewing options you might have. But for something to watch when you don’t want anything overlong (this clocks in at just over 90 minutes), overly complicated, or overly emotional, this absolutely fits the bill. It’s a simple slice of entertainment, benefiting hugely from the star power of Brosnan.

5/10

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Sphere (1998)

Although not released at the same time as the big underwater thrillers that battled it out in the late 1980s (those main three titles being Leviathan, DeepStar Six, and The Abyss, of course), but Sphere is nicely in line with those films, and any other underwater thriller that tends to mix horror or sci-fi with our fascination/fear of the deep waters that cover so much of the surface of our planet.

There's an alien spacecraft found at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, which understandably requires some investigation. That leads to the standard assembling of a group of smart people who might be able to get to the bottom of things. There's a marine biologist (Beth Halperin, played by Sharon Stone), a psychologist (Norman Goodman, played by Dustin Hoffman), a mathematician (Samuel L. Jackson), an astrophysicist (Ted Fielding, played by Liev Schreiber), and a U.S. Navy Captain (Harold Barnes, played by Peter Coyote). Once at the main site, our assembled team discover a number of strange details, and then a large and impenetrable, perfect sphere. And things are about to get much stranger, putting the group in danger as sanity is worn down and people start to turn on one another.

Michael Crichton has written numerous best-sellers, and his name has been involved with a number of enjoyable blockbuster movies, but he hasn't always been adapted well to the big screen. Sphere is one of the better Crichton adaptations of the past few decades, although it suffers from the fact that the finale probably isn't as satisfying as viewers want it to be. Adapted by Kurt Wimmer, the final screenplay by Stephen Hauser and Paul Attanasio is a decent attempt to mix in some spectacle, thrills and tension, and some solid psychological horror (albeit mild horror). As with so many Crichton tales, there are a number of great ideas, and the script at least executes many of them very well.

Director Barry Levinson also does good work here, making the most of his all-star cast and the chance to provide a number of set-pieces that build and build on the way to the grand finale. The weakness seems to be in the source material, but only in the way that it doesn't feel designed to provide the most obvious type of third act resolution that so many of us are used to from these kinds of movies.

There's nobody here who feels out of place when it comes to the cast. The leads are just superb, all bringing certain qualities to their characters, which is obviously why they were picked. Stone is another strong female here, although one with a vulnerability that ends up being exploited. Hoffman is a bit arrogant with his intelligence, Jackson is more relaxed and open to seeing how things play out, and Schreiber is, well, just fun to have onscreen alongside the others. Coyote is as dependable as ever, and there's even a good little turn from Queen Latifah, playing one of the few other characters to have actual dialogue.

It may not quite do enough to warrant me making a pun like "the only thing you need to fear is Sphere itself", but this is a sorely-neglected blockbuster from the late '90s that tries to weave between entertainingly dumb and entertainingly smart.

8/10

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Prime Time: Street Kings (2008)

Street Kings is a gritty cop thriller directed by David Ayer AND based on a story by James Ellroy so, basically, if you go into it expecting any of the main characters to be unselfishly trying to do good in a bad world then you've never experienced any previous stories from either man. But, just in case there was any doubt, the whole thing helps to let viewers know what they are in for when the main character gets beaten up by some criminals and has his car stolen, which we then discover is all part of a plan to allow him to find where the crooks are holed up, with young female kidnap victims being kept there until they can be moved/sold on, and he then gets to barge in, shooting to kill. It's a good deed, in the grand scheme of things, but it's also symptomatic of the way this character acts. He'd also had a couple of drinks beforehand. He wasn't interested in any due process. He is someone being watched with interest by those who investigate such individuals in the force.

All of this is just a taster to the rest of the film, of course, which follows Detective Tom Ludlow (Keanu Reeves) as he tries to keep doing the job the way he prefers to do it while keeping himself protected from the prying eyes of those who want him stopped. He's helped in this regard by his captain (Forest Whitaker). One of the people wanting him stopped is his ex-partner, Detective Terrence Washington (Terry Crews), and things start to look even stickier for Ludlow when he and Washington are caught in a seemingly random shoot-out. Washington is killed, and Ludlow wants to find those who did it. But those who know Ludlow's behaviour think it would be best for all concerned if the case was dropped and the shooters left to get themselves arrested or killed on some other occasion.

Although there are plenty of beats here that are very familiar to fans of Ayer's work, Street Kings does turn into something slightly different once it gets beyond the opening third act. It's still not a million miles away from anything else the director has done, but the more interesting developments stop it from feeling like nothing more than a tired rehash. You can feel the Ellroy heart beating through most of the runtime, once that opening act is out of the way, and the screenplay put together by Ellroy, Kurt Wimmer, and Jamie Moss is solid in terms of the plotting, pacing, and character development. That's not to say that it's always believable, not at all, but there's enough done to distract you from/let you forgive the less believable moments.

Reeves is very good in the lead role. He's not on top form, it's always a bit harder to believe him as someone with such a murky moral code, but he does well enough. Whitaker gives one of his standard turns, and is good enough, and Crews does enough to show himself as a viable threat to his ex-partner before the shooting takes him out of the film. The rest of the cast is full of great performers, although they are not all used as well as they could be. Chris Evans is the highlight, playing the detective in charge of the shooting investigation who ends up allowing Reeves to help him, and you also get Hugh Laurie with an American accent again, and Jay Mohr, John Corbett, and Amaury Nolasco playing the main colleagues who accept that getting the job done often means breaking some rules. Naomie Harris and Martha Higareda try their best, despite being given the usual short shrift that women tend to get in Ayer movies, and there are good little moments for Cedric The Entertainer, Common, and The Game.

Far from essential viewing, this remains a film I would highly recommend to those who like this particular subgenre. The various elements are well put together, it feels like something a bit different for Reeves, and the ending is surprisingly satisfying when everything eventually pays off.

7/10

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Sci-Fi September: Total Recall (2012)

A lot of people love Total Recall, the 1990 movie directed by Paul Verhoeven that provided Arnold Schwarzenegger with another hit at the box office. I am one of those people. Which makes me one of the many people who groaned when they heard news of a remake. To be directed by Len Wiseman. Now, I actually quite like Wiseman's work. He makes glossy entertainment, and I think now that people have seen the godawful A Good Day To Die Hard we can all agree that the fourth movie doesn't actually seem THAT bad. Okay, I might still be on my own there, but the point I am making is that I was willing to give this one a go.

Colin Farrell stars as Douglas Quaid, a factory worker who starts to have strange dreams involving fighting, escape attempts, and a beautiful woman (Jessica Biel). He doesn't seem satisfied with his life, which is a bit strange considering that he's married to Kate bloody Beckinsale. It must be to do with the fact that he lives in The Colony, while all of the better opportunities go to the people from the United Federation of Britain. These are the only two living spaces left on Earth, after a period of chemical warfare, and The Colony is packed with citizens viewed as the lower/working class. Quaid decides to visit Rekall, a company that can insert memories into your brain, and opts for a memory that will give him an exciting adventure as a secret agent. Unfortunately, things don't go according to plan. It turns out that Quaid may already have some false memories creating a conflict within him.

Total Recall starts off quite well. The world displayed onscreen is nicely realised and textured, Farrell, Beckinsale and Biel are all good enough for their main roles, and there are fleeting glimpses of some great actors who you just know will appear later on in the film (Bryan Cranston, and Bill Nighy). The action is solid, there's an interesting layer to the movie that focuses on class and societal manipulation, and I started to consider that this was starting to prove itself as a decent remake. A retread of material - both movies are based on "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" by Philip K. Dick - that was able to offer up more than just a reprise of what we already enjoyed years ago.

But then it starts to lose steam. Not a major problem, at first, but after the first hour has gone by and the movie settles into a dull cycle of action-chase-paranoia-repeat then it becomes tiresome. In fact, by the time both Nighy and Cranston eventually appear it's too late. Neither man gets to make a decent impression because viewers are too busy concentrating on trying to stay awake. This kind of material shouldn't be so unexciting.

A lot of people had a hand in the writing of the movie, with Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback credited as the main writers, but that's not reflected in the final product. The exposition is fine, and needs to be with such ideas about identity and paranoia, but everything else is found lacking, from the lines uttered in the thick of any action to the ineffective characterisations. This is a film populated by decent actors as opposed to any good characters.

Wiseman does his usual solid job in the director's chair, revelling in the effects and showing off when he gets the chance. There's a one-shot fight sequence that manages to impress, although it doesn't make up for the lack of energy elsewhere. If only he could have maintained the quality of that first 40 minutes, this could have been a very pleasant surprise. Alas, it wasn't to be.

Beckinsale steals the show, her husband (Wiseman) knows how to utilise her well in movies, and the movie moves up a notch whenever she's onscreen. Farrell is solid in his role, putting himself across as a capable everyman with an undercurrent of Jason Bourne. Jessica Biel is, unfortunately, the worst person in the movie. It's not her fault, and I love seeing Biel in anything, but her character is horribly underdeveloped and neglected. It's almost as if she was added as an afterthought. She may be a worthy companion during the fights, but any other interactions she has with Farrell could be consigned to the rubbish bin with very little impact on the movie. Bokeem Woodbine does alright with his small role, John Cho sports a fun, blonde hairdo, and I've already mentioned the main problems for Nighy and Cranston, although the former also struggles with an American accent.

There are worse movies you could pick when you fancy a bit of sci-fi action. There are also many better ones, including the original film that this is based on.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Total-Recall-Blu-ray-Colin-Farrell/dp/B0092QITO2/ref=sr_1_3?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1409479079&sr=1-3&keywords=total+recall

Ultraviolet (2006)

Apparently, writer-director Kurt Wimmer is very unhappy with this film because it was completely re-edited by the studio and reduced from a two hour movie to one that runs for 88 minutes. I know how he feels as I'm also very unhappy with this film. Whether or not an extra half hour of content would make me any happier is a risk I'm not prepared to take, even if a full director's cut is ever released. I can't see how any extra footage could make up for the bad acting, bad special effects and uninteresting characters on display here.

The movie starts off with some voice-over narration from Milla Jovovich about the state of the world that she's living in, but this isn't Resident Evil. We then get our first glimpse of Milla, clad in some tight leather clothing and ready to kick ass with some superhuman strength and skill, but this isn't Resident Evil. People are being affected by a disease of the blood and Milla is determined to fight against an evil corporation that is trying to use the whole situation to its advantage, but this isn't Resident Evil.

Milla plays Violet, a beautiful hemophage (AKA basically a vampire) and member of an underground resistance movement who boldly strides into the Archministry and intercepts the delivery of a weapon designed to destroy her and all of her kind. However, it turns out that the weapon is a small boy (played by Cameron Bright) and Violet starts to think that maybe, just maybe, he can be used to help the hemophages rather than kill them off. Nerva (Sebastien Andrieu) doesn't think so and, as he is a superior member of the same resistance movement, Violet finds herself battling with her own kind as well as the soldiers working on behalf of Vice-Cardinal Ferdinand Daxus (Nick Chinlund), the head of the Archministry.

Almost everything about this movie, with the exception of the lovely leading lady and one or two nice visuals, is horrible. Not just horrible, but horrible in a way that actually hurts your senses. You can feel your eyes start to burn as every scene has more and more bad CGI crammed into it. Your ears may try to separate from your head and crawl off into a gutter somewhere rather than listen to most of the godawful dialogue. Then there's the acting, which is so bad across the board that I thought I was watching a parody. Indeed, Nick Chinlund's turn as the villain could be replaced by Will Ferrell's performance as Mugatu (from Zoolander) and the film would be improved 10%. The only person who comes close to escaping with a shred of self-respect still intact is William Fichtner, though it's too close to call. Cameron Bright at least has the excuse of being young here. Someone like Sebastien Andrieu does not.

The action sequences could have been decent, with Wimmer again using the Gun Kata style that he'd showcased in the enjoyable Equilibrium, but yet again, excessive CGI and over-editing spoil the result. With no action to enjoy and a selection of uninteresting characters that nobody will care for, the only asset the movie has is the lovely Milla. As much as I like watching her on-screen, that's just not enough to save this from being a complete waste of your time.

2/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ultraviolet-DVD/dp/B000HT1WYW/ref=sr_1_2?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1358400784&sr=1-2