Artemis Fowl (2020)

Of course I'd heard all of the bad reviews. Of course I was aware that not one person who watched Artemis Fowl ended up having a good thing to say about it. Of course I thought I might find at least some small bits to enjoy.

Of course I was wrong.

Artmeris Fowl has the might of Disney behind it, but it's hard to think of a more misjudged and messy piece of family entertainment. Nothing works as it should. Nothing.

Let's start with the plot. Ferdia Shaw is Artemis Fowl, a young boy who ends up alone, having to defend his home, when his father (Colin Farrell) is whisked away by some shady villain. Artemis finds out that there's a whole world around him that he doesn't know about, and there's an item, the Aculos, that many seem to want to get their hands on. This leads to Fowl Manor being besieged, where Artemis works to defend it with the magical Holly Short (Lara McDonnell) and Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad), "Dom" Butler (Nonso Anozie), and Dom's niece, Juliet Butler (Tamara Smart). You also get Judi Dench appearing as Commander Julius Root, determined to get in to Fowl Manor and retrieve the Aculos.

Based on the popular novel by Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl is written by Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl, which may be where the the problems begin. McColl has a background that would make him seem suited to this kind of material, perhaps, but McPherson doesn't, and the mix of the two leads to a film that feels inevitably ill-fitting, in terms of the various plot elements. Director Kenneth Branagh also doesn't really feel like the right person to be sitting in the big chair, but it would be unfair to rule him out immediately (considering some of his surprising successes). Sadly, it turns out that he ISN'T the right person to be sitting in the big chair. In fact, he doesn't seem to have spent much time in the chair at all. This feels like something not directed by anyone with any vision, or even a sense of effective film-making techniques.

Then we get to the cast. Shaw is horrible in the lead role. It's not really his fault. His character is annoying, almost from the very first frame, and he acts accordingly. Gad is pretty annoying, although he at least gets to show some of his personality, unlike the majority of the cast. McDonnell is the highlight, a plucky and tough fighter with good intentions, but Anozie is also very good as the talented protector/butler. Judie Dench looks suitably embarrassed every now and then, and Farrell has the good sense to take on a role with such little screentime that I'm sure he was handsomely rewarded for what amounted to a day of work, at most.

Artemis Fowl isn't as bad as you've heard. It's worse. Characters are generally awful and unappealing, the plot is slight and impossible to care about, and the action sequences wouldn't have impressed most viewers a decade ago. It's mind-boggling to think of how many decisions were made by people who all tried to go for the worst possible options. It's only the fact that it had enough money thrown at it that saves it from being among the very worst I have seen. It's definitely one of the very worst blockbusters of the 21st century though.

3/10

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Little Monsters (2019)

Before you read any further, and before I add some substance to my opinion, I would recommend that most people instead check out the Little Monsters from 1989 ahead of this one. The two may be very different films, and I am only going by my memory for the 1989 film, but I think the older one is a more enjoyable experience.

Written and directed by Abe Forsythe, this is another zombie movie. And it's another one using the walking dead to make you laugh as well as wince. Which would be well and good, if only the laughs were as good as Forsythe obviously thinks they are.

Alexander England is Dave, a young man with a few too many problems in his life right now. But he can distract himself from his own problems when he gets the chance to take his nephew (Felix, played by Diesel La Torraca) on a day out with his teacher, the beautiful Miss Caroline (played by the beautiful Lupita Nyong'o). Unfortunately, a zombie outbreak occurs, which leads to the adults trying to keep the kids safe without letting them know the full horror of the situation. Nothing will be helped by the selfish and sour entertainer known as Teddy McGiggle (Josh Gad).

Those elements should be perfect for throwing together and creating a great zombie comedy. You have the kids being allowed to remain oblivious, you have the stereotypically jaded children's entertainer, and you have Lupita Nyong'o. Sadly, it's only really Nyong'o that works, for reasons that are a bit hard to pin down. But I'll try.

First off, Forsythe just hasn't done enough work on the script. None of the characters are as well-formed as they could be, with one or two exceptions, none of the dialogue exchanges are as good as they could be, and there's nothing to show any real effort having been made beyond coming up with the central premise.

Second, the casting is not good. England doesn't have the right kind of charm to make his character more appealing as he tries to claw his way out of a major low point in his life, and Gad is simply not as funny as he should be, especially with his character being ripe for most of the bigger laughs. Okay, that's not all Gad's fault (I refer you back to the complaint about the script), but someone more acerbic in that role could have lifted things slightly. Nyong'o saves the whole film, almost single-handedly. The other person helping to make scenes watchable is actually young La Torraca, who is a natural onscreen presence, unaffected and sweet without seeming horribly saccharin.

Third, there's no sense of real peril. If someone fills their horror comedy with kids and then you get the idea that those kids could be killed at any moment then you can still have tension and feel that there are stakes to be played for. Forsythe never gives off that vibe, which makes this whole thing a redundant exercise in how to best present a horror comedy with no real horror and too few moments of comedy.

A lot of people ended up enjoying this, but part of me still suspects some of those people were actually talking about the 1989 movie. It didn't work for me, and I can't recommend it to others, but at least anyone forced to watch it will be able to enjoy those performances from La Torraca and Nyong'o. Which is enough to bump it up by a point or two.

4/10

You can buy the movie here.

Murder On The Orient Express (2017)

There's nothing inherently wrong with this all-star version of Murder On The Orient Express, the classic whodunnit from Agatha Christie that has an ending already known to most people even if they haven't read the book yet (a large group that includes myself). It's rather fun, polished, and certainly throws enough stars into the mix to help things along.

Kenneth Branagh directs, and he also lets himself take on the lead role of Poirot, the greatest detective in the world (who isn't named Sherlock Holmes, I guess). Poirot ends up on the titular train, there's a murder, and he tries to figure out who did it. Everyone has a motive, it seems, and Poirot wants to discover the culprit before the train moves on to the next station. Because the train has also been derailed by a small avalanche, ensuring that the characters are unable to flee while the detective gets his little grey cells working on the case.

Working from a script by Michael Green, Murder On The Orient Express is a film both helped and hampered by how familiar and comfortable it all feels. It's easy to enjoy but not so easy to get properly drawn into. The snowy setting, the familiar faces, the family-friendly nature of most of the main scenes, this is something that feels more like a lavish BBC production scheduled for the Christmas holidays than a cinematic experience.

My other main complaint about the film is how the resolution comes about. It all makes sense, from what I can tell, but it would have been better to see a few more links being placed in the chain by Poirot as he started to formulate his main theory. This may be a case of elements from the book that were harder to put on film, or it may be a case of Poirot simply being a character who holds all of his cards close to his chest until he is ready to set them down. My limited knowledge of the character is gathering dust in a small recess of my memory banks, sadly. Either way, and I know it would have been difficult to balance the reveals with the attempt to keep the mystery intact until the end, one or two more pieces of information would have been appreciated as viewers watched Poirot put everything together.

I'm not going to pick apart every performance by the cast. I'll just say that all of them have fun at various points. Johnny Depp, Daisy Ridley, Michelle Pfeiffer, Leslie Odom Jr, Judi Dench, Willem Dafoe, Josh Gad, Penelope Cruz, Olivia Colman, Derek Jacobi, and Tom Bateman are the main players, but they all have to work under the long shadow of Branagh, clearly having a ball as Poirot.

If you're unfamiliar with the resolution to the story then be sure to see this before you have it spoiled for you. Also give it a watch if you like most of the main players (and why wouldn't you?). But it's surprisingly disposable and forgettable, especially considering the talent involved. I'll still end up watching the next adventure, however, teased at the end, and I'd even be tempted to watch some less famous mysteries featuring Branagh's take on the main character.

6/10

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