Christmas With A Capital C (2011)

There are times when I'm watching a movie that I start to wonder if I should continue watching it right through to the end. I always do. I'm a completist when it comes to movies. Even the worst films end up becoming some kind of endurance test. Yet a film like Christmas With A Capital C ends up being one of the more challenging viewings for me. Because I'm so far removed from the target audience. Should I even bother giving my opinion on it? Will my opinion be worth anything? Well, as conceited and arrogant as I have to be to keep writing nonsense like this daily, I tend to believe that I can always come at something from an angle which makes it worthwhile. In this case, I have to be upfront about why I realised I wasn't the target audience.

Christmas With A Capital C is a movie that could almost be summed up thus - one man (Daniel Baldwin) returns to his home town, intent on taking Christ out of Christmas. Locals, led by their mayor (Ted McGinley) fight back against him. Meanwhile, kids act sweet, adults are all warm and neighbourly to one another, and a little digging around unearths the fact that this troublemaker may have issues with something other than Christmas. Maybe he just needs shown the right path.

I am, and have been for many years, a happy atheist. That doesn't mean that I disparage, and dismiss, any personal beliefs. It just means that, yes, I start to feel irked when those beliefs are either thrust upon myself, or society as a whole. Many people will know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to use this review as an excuse to take a major sideroad. And that's why I wasn't sure about what to say about this movie. Because it's clearly very pro-religion. The title, and main driving factor of the plot, is derived from a song by Go Fish (a contemporary Christian band who tend nowadays to aim a lot of their music towards kids).

Yet, and I'm as surprised as anyone else by what I'm about to say, it's not actually THAT bad. And there are two reasons for that. First of all, the moments that show characters unable to repress their urge to shout out about Christmas having a capital C are settled among other moments that deliver some standard, pleasant family moments. Second, the scenes that show how the law can be used to keep religious activity/paraphernalia separate from government business are quite interesting. Whether they are based on truth or not, I have no idea. But I hope so, simply because I like to believe in that separation of church and state, as it were.

There is actually also a third reason for this film not being as bad as it could have been, and that's the cast. McGinley is very likable, even when he's being a bit self-assured and pious. Baldwin is appropriately unwavering in his attempt to keep the town a relatively Christianity-free zone, Nancy Stafford is fine as the wife of McGinley's character, and Cooper Peltz and Francesca Derosa play the two main kids, with the former being a teenage lad and the latter a young girl who just wants to be a singing angel at this time of year. They both do fine. In fact, they're better than Brad Stine, who is saddled with playing the kind of guy who assumes that kids will be entertained by short plays that comedically reinterpret the story of Christmas (and, in this film, they ARE).

The script by Andrea Gyertson Nasfell is pretty horrible at times, and director Helmut Schleppi seems content to stick scenes together with no fluidity or thought of context, so it's amazing that this doesn't sink right to the bottom of the barrel. It's preachy during many moments, of course, but it's aiming to preach to the converted, literally, in a way that feels just as positive and schmaltzy as many other festive outings.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Capital-Blu-ray-Ted-McGinley/dp/B005BRX8RY/ref=sr_1_1_twi_2?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1417728676&sr=1-1&keywords=christmas+with+a+capital+c

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Noir November: King Of The Ants (2003)

It may be a fairly low-budget, rough 'n' ready movie, but King Of The Ants has a considerable amount of talent involved, both behind and in front of the camera.

Based on a novel by Charlie Higson (still best known to many people for his great work on The Fast Show), it's all about a young man (Sean, played by Chris McKenna) who is always on the lookout for some paid work. He takes what odd jobs he can, with one putting him in contact with a man named Duke (George Wendt). Duke then arranges a meeting between Sean and a local businessman named Ray (Daniel Baldwin), which leads to him being hired for a different kind of job. He's to tail a man (Ron Livingston), a man who may have information that could get Ray in trouble. That's all well and good, until a drunken Ray then asks Sean to commit murder.

There's also the lovely Kari Wuhrer onscreen, as the wife of the man who may or may not end up murdered, and Sean finds her quite attractive. Because she is, but that's all I'll say about the plot for now. I don't want to give away any details or potential surprises.

Directed by the always-entertaining Stuart Gordon, King Of The Ants is dark, nasty stuff. Anyone who, like myself, only knew of Higson through his comedy work may well be shocked that he could weave a tale of such stomach-churning nastiness, but just be thankful that he did it. The final result, presented here in a style that veers between minimalist and slightly fantastical (in one or two nightmare sequences), is a memorable film that takes some common elements and makes them feel fresh again . . . . . . . . . . . . . . even if it does that by bruising them and coating them in blood and fecal matter.

The acting from all concerned is pretty solid, if not always great. McKenna is a likable presence in the lead role, even as his character makes some bad choices. Wendt and Baldwin are both intimidating in different ways, and have the likes of Vernon Wells and Lionel Mark Smith on their side. Wuhrer is quite lovely, which I've already mentioned, and does a decent enough job with her few scenes. And Timm Sharp is a welcome inclusion, playing Sean's friend, and one of the few characters onscreen not carrying around any big secrets.

While not exactly tense, in the traditional sense, this is a movie that certainly leaves you on edge throughout. I know that sounds paradoxical, but I simply mean that the movie often paints such a dark picture that being tense, hoping that characters can turn things around, seems futile. It may also turn your stomach, thanks to the mixture of violence and the sheer depth of despair and hopelessness that it explores. I'd argue that it's the darkest film in Stuart Gordon's filmography (although Edmond is a movie that has evaded me over the years), and that alone should make it worth a watch if you're a fan of the man.

Well worth seeking out. Just don't watch it if you're after something to put you in a good mood.

8/10

http://www.amazon.com/King-Ants-Chris-McKenna/dp/B0001ZX088/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1415976796&sr=1-1&keywords=king+of+the+ants

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The UK version can be bought here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1395945647&sr=1-3&keywords=movie+guide

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Nine Dead (2010)

The fact that Nine Dead doesn't look like it was shot by a lunatic band of monkeys is one of the few reasons that the film merits the few points I begrudgingly offer it in this rating system. You see, Nine Dead is just one of those movies that makes it hard for any viewer to work up any enthusiasm for, it's so lazy and badly executed.

Nine people are caught and imprisoned in a room together. If they can figure out why they have all been put together and why a masked gunman wants them dead then they will be free to leave. Until they do get to the reason behind the killing, one will die every ten minutes.

The rot starts to set in with the script, by Patrick Wehe Mahoney, one of a hundred Saw imitators and one that shouts out its failings and ridiculousness while thinking it's being oh so clever. It's as preposterous as it is poor and actually insults viewers with what it asks them to believe in.

Things aren't improved by the acting, a mixed bag of people fail miserably to rise above the weak material with "top name" Melissa Joan Hart providing the worst performance of the lot. Hey, I'm as guilty as the next person of enjoying the odd episode of Sabrina The TeenageWitch but that was a long time ago and it looks like Miss Hart has forgotten everything she ever learned (though I'm well aware she was never all that good back then either, she was at least a little bit likable). I'm not going to name the others, they don't really deserve being mentioned - some act their way to something approaching average but most of them barely stay ahead of "Sabrina".

Director Chris Shadley can keep the camera pointed in the right direction and shows a basic level of competence but he doesn't do enough to cover up the massive plot holes or compensate for the terrible cast.

The one thing I will say, to end on some note of optimism, is that this is Mahoney's first script (and it definitely shows) and Shadley's first stint in the director's seat so there is certainly room for improvement. Given better material to work with, I can see Shadley actually provide a decent movie one day. Maybe.

3/10

 http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nine-Dead-Melissa-Joan-Hart/dp/B00450AG1E/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377944020&sr=8-1&keywords=nine+dead

Vampires (1998)

"Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffata. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters." 

Many point to Vampires as "Evidence A" in the case against John Carpenter having any kind of film-making talent left in him (with Ghosts Of Mars, of course, being "Evidence B") and there was a time, not too long ago, when I would have agreed with that. It would have saddened me, as I'm a huge Carpenter fanboy, but it would have been impossible to argue against.

Not any more.

Vampires is a messy movie with plenty of failings, but it's far from the unwatchable mess that many people try to label it. In fact, it's actually a lot of fun in places and benefits from an enjoyable opening segment and a grand finale bookending the weaker content in the middle.

James Woods stars as Jack Crow, a tough and skilled vampire slayer who works for the Catholic Church, leading his team into dangerous places to stake bloodsuckers and rid the world of the vampire menace, one nest at a time. Unfortunately, a particularly powerful master (Valek, played by Thomas Ian Griffith) doesn't like that situation and he turns up to spoil the party, killing the vast majority of Crow's group in one sequence of entertaining carnage. Crow is even more motivated than he was before to kill off every single vampire that he can, for his own revenge and also to stop Valek in his quest for . . . . . . . . . whatever it is that he seems to be looking for. Perhaps the church knows more than it's letting on. With the help of his colleague Anthony Montoya (Daniel Baldwin) and a young woman (Sheryl Lee) who was bitten by Valek, Crow sets out to destroy the biggest threat that he's yet faced.

It's got music by John Carpenter, there's a Western vibe to the whole thing and a couple of scenes feature a number of practical gore effects that work really well (including, most notably, a great kill within mere seconds of Valek crashing the party being held by Crow's group). It's far from classic Carpenter - the cinematography isn't as gorgeous, for one thing, and there's far too much crossfading - but it's a solid bit of fun.

Don Jakoby adapted the novel by John Steakly. Many who have read the source material say that it's much better, and I can't help feeling that Carpenter missed a chance to really mix things up a bit and bring a fresh spin to the vampire sub-genre, but the film has enough decent moments and good one-liners throughout (spat out by Woods, for the most part) to raise it just above average.

James Woods chews up every line and spits it out with hilarious effect and the movie is all the better for it. Daniel Baldwin may spend the entire movie reminding viewers of why he's not the A-list star that Alec is, but he does okay. Sheryl Lee isn't the best actress in the world, but she tries her best in a pretty thankless role and she's certainly easy on the eye. Tim Guinee is a lot of fun as Father Adam Guiteau, the priest who will help Crow on his quest when Crow isn't trying to beat up on him and find out just what secrets the church is keeping. People playing the bad guys often have the most fun and Thomas Ian Griffith certainly seems to be enjoying himself each time he appears to cause some death and destruction. Maximilian Schell plays Cardinal Alba and other small roles are filled by Mark Boone Junior, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Gregory Sierra and other people with names less familiar to me.

Don't expect anything like classic Carpenter, that pretty much goes without saying, but give this a watch (or a re-watch) at some point and you might be surprised to find that it's fairly enjoyable. If you think I'm mad for holding that opinion, just wait until I finally revisit Ghosts Of Mars and try to defend that.

6/10

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