June-Claude Van Damme: Double Team (1997)

There are so many things that you could mention about Double Team that would (correction = SHOULD) make me nod in agreement with you as we conclude that it's a fairly terrible film. Let's face it, just the fact that it pairs Jean-Claude Van Damme up with Dennis Rodman gives you enough ammunition, and that's just the sprinkling of hundreds and thousands on top of this action comedy knickerbocker glory.

Van Damme plays an anti-terrorist agent named Jack Quinn, a man reluctantly brought back into duty when an elusive criminal named Stavros (Mickey Rourke) reappears and starts to cause no small amount of trouble. Things go sideways, a child dies, and Quinn is knocked out in an explosion. He comes to in a facilty named "The Colony", he's informed that his pregnant wife has been told that he is dead, and he also finds out that the place is nearly impossible to escape from. So he escapes. Which leads him to Dennis Rodman, a handy dealer in dangerous goods who might be the key to helping him track down Stavros and putting an end to his criminal plans.

Although they might not be the best people to watch onscreen, Double Team has one hell of a cast. As well as Van Damme, Rourke, and Rodman, you also get Paul Freeman as a fellow agent/"guest" at The Colony. And, well, those are the only names worth mentioning, I suppose, but what other film can you say features that particular quartet of actors? AND features a scene that has JCVD delivering a sidekick to a tiger? No other film delivers such goodness.

Written by Don Jakoby and Paul Mones, this is enjoyably over the top from start (with Van Damme driving a huge truck through a building as we see him end a successful mission) to finish (a showdown that involves that tiger, a motorbike, and a number of mines). It mixes in elements of James Bond, some buddy comedy moments, and a very entertaining turn from Rourke as the crazy villain.

Tsui Hark may not want to remind anyone that he directed this but he's got nothing to be ashamed of. Okay, I hated this the first time I watched it. I somehow ended up revisiting it and ended up not hating it. Now I quite like it for what it is. Nobody involved is taking things too seriously, with the possible exception of Rourke, and it rattles along at a cracking pace to ensure viewers are never bored.

I still think that someone - anyone - else in the Rodman role could have improved things, and I would have relished the thought of seeing Van Damme interact with someone more naturally funny or cool (imagine if this had been made with a quirky performance from Nicolas Cage in place of Rodman - GOLD), but I am going to be one of the few people nowadays who doesn't think that this is deserving of half of the disdain it seemed to receive when released back in 1997. It's a fun, disposable, action flick.

6/10

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Vampires (1998)

"Well first of all, they're not romantic. It's not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you've seen in the movies: they don't turn into bats, crosses don't work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he's suckin' the blood outta your neck, all right? And they don't sleep in coffins lined in taffata. You wanna kill one, you drive a wooden stake right through his fuckin' heart. Sunlight turns 'em into crispy critters." 

Many point to Vampires as "Evidence A" in the case against John Carpenter having any kind of film-making talent left in him (with Ghosts Of Mars, of course, being "Evidence B") and there was a time, not too long ago, when I would have agreed with that. It would have saddened me, as I'm a huge Carpenter fanboy, but it would have been impossible to argue against.

Not any more.

Vampires is a messy movie with plenty of failings, but it's far from the unwatchable mess that many people try to label it. In fact, it's actually a lot of fun in places and benefits from an enjoyable opening segment and a grand finale bookending the weaker content in the middle.

James Woods stars as Jack Crow, a tough and skilled vampire slayer who works for the Catholic Church, leading his team into dangerous places to stake bloodsuckers and rid the world of the vampire menace, one nest at a time. Unfortunately, a particularly powerful master (Valek, played by Thomas Ian Griffith) doesn't like that situation and he turns up to spoil the party, killing the vast majority of Crow's group in one sequence of entertaining carnage. Crow is even more motivated than he was before to kill off every single vampire that he can, for his own revenge and also to stop Valek in his quest for . . . . . . . . . whatever it is that he seems to be looking for. Perhaps the church knows more than it's letting on. With the help of his colleague Anthony Montoya (Daniel Baldwin) and a young woman (Sheryl Lee) who was bitten by Valek, Crow sets out to destroy the biggest threat that he's yet faced.

It's got music by John Carpenter, there's a Western vibe to the whole thing and a couple of scenes feature a number of practical gore effects that work really well (including, most notably, a great kill within mere seconds of Valek crashing the party being held by Crow's group). It's far from classic Carpenter - the cinematography isn't as gorgeous, for one thing, and there's far too much crossfading - but it's a solid bit of fun.

Don Jakoby adapted the novel by John Steakly. Many who have read the source material say that it's much better, and I can't help feeling that Carpenter missed a chance to really mix things up a bit and bring a fresh spin to the vampire sub-genre, but the film has enough decent moments and good one-liners throughout (spat out by Woods, for the most part) to raise it just above average.

James Woods chews up every line and spits it out with hilarious effect and the movie is all the better for it. Daniel Baldwin may spend the entire movie reminding viewers of why he's not the A-list star that Alec is, but he does okay. Sheryl Lee isn't the best actress in the world, but she tries her best in a pretty thankless role and she's certainly easy on the eye. Tim Guinee is a lot of fun as Father Adam Guiteau, the priest who will help Crow on his quest when Crow isn't trying to beat up on him and find out just what secrets the church is keeping. People playing the bad guys often have the most fun and Thomas Ian Griffith certainly seems to be enjoying himself each time he appears to cause some death and destruction. Maximilian Schell plays Cardinal Alba and other small roles are filled by Mark Boone Junior, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Gregory Sierra and other people with names less familiar to me.

Don't expect anything like classic Carpenter, that pretty much goes without saying, but give this a watch (or a re-watch) at some point and you might be surprised to find that it's fairly enjoyable. If you think I'm mad for holding that opinion, just wait until I finally revisit Ghosts Of Mars and try to defend that.

6/10

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Death Wish 3 (1985)

Try as I might, I just can't fully shake the feeling that I haven't actually watched Death Wish 3. As the credits rolled I had almost convinced myself that what had gone before my eyes couldn't have been anything else but a fevered dream full of crazy gunplay and heroic vigilante behaviour. My mind had somehow blended together Home Alone, *Batteries Not Included and Behind Enemy Lines. With a bit of Rambo thrown in there for good measure. Amazingly, it wasn't a dream. None of it. It was all real. Surreal yet real, all the same.

Charles Bronson returns to play, arguably, the role that defined him throughout the 1980s. He's Paul Kersey, a man pushed so far over the edge that he can no longer see where he used to hang on to any semblance of normality. Worries about going too far have been banished from his mind, he has returned to New York and is now a killing machine, secretly endorsed by police and dropped into an urban warzone like some OAP prototype of the T-101.

It's Michael Winner directing once again and Don Jakoby takes care of the writing duties (which probably just consisted of writing "punks kill people and upset Charles Bronson, who goes on a killing spree with increasingly-heavy artillery at his disposal). The essence of the movie remains similiar to that classic original film but, in oh so many ways, they are also both very, very different. America is not a country with a major crime problem that causes some upset this time, it's just one big gang-controlled area not unlike something normally seen only in the wilder movies from Troma. Old folks are hassled and hurt and even killed while eagerly awaiting a chance to draw blood and fight back. And thugs can actually call in other gangs of thugs whenever they need backup. In fact, I was quite surprised that this WASN'T a Troma movie. It certainly had the heightened lunacy throughout.

Bronson is, of course, very good in the lead role once again. Martin Balsam gets a decent bit of screentime, as does Ed Lauter. Deborah Raffin is shoehorned in there, her character almost laughable and completely unnecessary for most of her screentime. But that is more than made up for by Gavan O'Herlihy and his superb turn as the lead villain. Other folks get their chance to play scumbags but viewers of my age (mid-30s) will probably have the most fun watching another rare film outing for Alex Winter (aka the one who wasn't Keanu Reeves in the Bill & Ted movies).

For Jimmy Page fans, there is the extra enjoyment gained from the fact that he has returned to create the score after his work on the second movie.

I can't deny that I was entertained from beginning to end with this movie. I'm just not sure how much of that entertainment factor stemmed from the ridiculousness of the whole thing and the feeling of incredulity it filled me with.

6/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Death-Wish-3-UK-DVD/dp/B0067LGHUS/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1328915534&sr=1-1