Netflix And Chill: Christmas On Mistletoe Farm (2022)

The world may be in a fairly bad state right now, with the shadow of war looming over us all (and directly impacting those actually AT war right now), the gap between the very rich and the very poor ever-widening, and intelligence sometimes seeming like a rarer commodity than painite, but the main thing we all have to do right now is band together to ensure that writer-director Debbie Isitt stops making films. I'm not even sure that her amateurish work should even be referred to in cinematic terms nowadays, but she needs to stop torturing us all with it.

The story revolves around a widow/father (Scott Garnham) who ends up inheriting a small farm from his father. He decides to take his five kids along for a visit, also hoping to get some peace and quiet while he works on a crucial work assignment given to him by his formidable boss (Ashley Jensen), and soon finds himself stressed out by animals, friendly locals who keep interrupting his plans, and a farmhand/manchild named Beano (Scott Paige). There's also an attractive vet in the area (played by Kathryn Drysdale), and plenty of opportunities for the kids to look up with big eyes and remind everyone that they miss their dead mother.

I'm not going to name all of the child actors here. I don't want to be overly rude to them, they're children, but they were obviously picked for their age rather than any major acting talent. I do want to be rude to the adults though, but I believe they are all acting in the way that Isitt wanted them to act. So I will continue to be rude to Isitt, who should STOP MAKING MOVIES. The lack of any grace or decent shot composition, and the overwhelmingly cheap feeling permeating every scene, makes this less cinematic than even the most basic children's TV show. Despite the pain I endured while watching this, I do understand that it wasn't really aimed at me. It's aimed at younger viewers, and parents who may cosy up alongside those younger viewers while they are amused and entertained for the duration. Maybe. That still doesn't excuse the lack of any real effort though, and even younger viewers deserve to be shown movies that allow them to start appreciating the magic of cinema. There's no magic here, no matter what the awful script wants us to believe, and a number of plot points actually feel disappointingly mishandled in a way that undermines whatever morality lesson or cutesiness that Isitt is trying to deliver.

Garnham tries to do a decent job in the lead role, and I'd also begrudgingly say the same of Drysdale and Celia Imrie (who appears in a small role, portraying a local woman who has a passion for knitting, and it's a sad waste of her great talent). The biggest annoyance onscreen is Paige, who embodies the kind of character Isitt seems to think it essential in all of her movies, and I'm going to allow him to shoulder some of the blame for his performance because, well, he's not good with the physical comedy. 

As well as writing and directing this dross, Isitt also has the gall to ruin the soundtrack, alongside Nicky Ager. The manipulative score barges in at random intervals, like a sudden loud fart interrupting the easygoing chatter around a dinner table, and it's genuinely one of the most abrasive audio experiences I've had in some time. 

It got made. That's the only credit I will give it. The ONLY reason it isn't getting the lowest score possible is because, as loathe as I am to admit it, some of the cute animals made me smile. I'm serious. You should avoid this at all costs. And I would implore people . . . please don't inflict it upon your children. There are so many better options for them to spend time with.

2/10

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Prime Time: Nativity Rocks! (2018)

How? How do we now have four of these bloody things? Especially when they keep getting worse. Well, that's not strictly true. The series seems to have bottomed out with the third instalment, making anything else released both as awful and slapdash as anyone still watching deserves. Which includes me, masochist that I am.

After his small part in the previous movie, Simon Lipkin gets to move front and centre here. He is the new Mr. Poppy, Jerry, cousin of the old Mr. Poppy (yes, Marc Wootton finally decided to move on from the series). Turning up at a school, Jerry is allowed to just immediately get himself involved with the Christmas musical that is being planned, a rock opera. Because schools are absolutely able to do that, as has been shown in every previous Nativity! movie. The rock opera needs to be done right, and there are a couple of main sub-plots, one involving a small boy who has parents too busy to take much notice of him, and one involving a child refugee separated from his father.

Okay, I will begrudgingly admit that, despite my harsh words opening this review, this fourth Nativity! movie feels ever so slightly better than the third one. If there was someone better in the lead role, it could have been an actual decent movie. But we get Lipkin in the lead role, a man who decides to perform his role as a cross between Wootton and Jack Black, with the skill of neither.

Writer-director Debbie Isitt seems to have made this her main focus over the past few years (I noticed there is a stage show version now, and I am assuming she will have at least some credit for that). None of these films have been very well-received, critically, but I know that the first two did great business. I can even see the appeal in the first one. And the second, which tries to repeat the main trick while adding in some David Tennant. But I am surprised that enough people saw, and enjoyed, the third to warrant a fourth. Will there be a fifth? Knowing my luck, probably.

I've already complained enough about Lipkin, spending any more time criticising him would feel too much like tripping up a small puppy, but there's a decent supporting cast here to at least partially make up for his central awfulness. Craig Revel Horwood may not be one of the better players, but he has a bit of fun with his role, giving us the main villain this time around. Daniel Boys, Helen George, and Celia Imrie all do well as the main adults caring for the children, Hugh Dennis and Anna Chancellor are good as the parents not paying their child much attention, and Ruth Jones brightens up the second half of the movie with her presence. Brian Bartle (Doru, the refugee) and Rupert Turnbull (Barnaby, the child with "absent" parents) aren't the best in their roles, but they don't do a terrible job, and I've sat through much worse child performances. You also get small roles for Meera Syal and Jessica Hynes, with the latter bursting in near the end with just the right amount of energy and humour to perk things up.

Not the worst, but that's a very low bar set by the previous movie, Nativity Rocks! feels like a return trip to a well that dried out some years ago. I really hope that they don't make another one. But I know I'll end up watching it IF it happens.

3/10

You can buy a set here.

Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger! (2012)

I didn't really like Nativity! that much, so it really comes as no surprise that I am not a fan of Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger!

Debbie Isitt handles both the directing and writing duties, once again, and relies on some cute kids to carry the whole thing, once again. There were one or two moments that made me almost grin, I admit it, but most of this film was almost painful to endure.

Poor David Tennant plays two roles here. In one, the main one, he is the teacher - Mr. Peterson - taking over from Martin Freeman's character (Freeman at least had the sense not to return), while his other character is . . . . . . . his nasty twin brother. There's a national singing competition being held that Mr. Peterson ends up taking his new class along to, after the smallest amount of persuasion from the loony Mr. Poppy (Marc Wootton returning to his role).

With Jason Watkins and Pam Ferris also returning, as well as many of the kids from the first movie, this is a film that wants to take viewers on a gentle trip through some familiar territory. That can work, and is often the way of sequels, but when it's not done well it just ends up feeling horribly lazy. Considering the lack of laughs, and lack of care taken with the slipshod plotting and characterisations here, that feeling of laziness just grows with each moment.

Tennant is someone I like, and his presence here helps to make this bearable, but he can't do much to improve what he's given. Wootton enjoys himself again, and occasionally forces viewers to smile, but the only consistently good comedy comes from Jessica Hynes, playing the celebrity hostess of the competition as a cross between Charlotte Church and Katherine Jenkins.

Utilising the same mix of scripted moments and improvisation as the first movie, this poor effort MAY please those who enjoy David Tennant, Marc Wootton, and/or cute kids being cheeky. But that's not guaranteed. It's more likely that by the time the end credits roll you will curse yourself for having wasted your time on it.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nativity-Danger-The-Manger-DVD/dp/B00EE6C4IW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1387663567&sr=8-2&keywords=nativity+2

Nativity! (2009)

Martin Freeman is Scrooge. Okay, he's not Scrooge, but he plays someone who gets very grumpy around Christmas time. Which, in simple terms, equates to him being Scrooge. Or, at the very least, A Scrooge. He's also a teacher, ordered by the headmistress (Pam Ferris) to organise the upcoming nativity play. While being grumpy, putting up with a juvenile assistant (Marc Wootton), and generally wishing that he could be left in peace until the festive season was over, he also lies to someone about the fact that his nativity play is going to be viewed by some bigwigs from Hollywood, brought over especially by his ex-girlfriend (Ashley Jensen). This lie, of course, gets out and about, and it grows and grows until there looks to be no good way to resolve the situation.

Written and directed by Debbie Isitt (with plenty of room for improvisation), Nativity! is a film full of some easy laughs, but it is also too busy trying to make viewers feel moved with a lot of clumsy, emotional content shoehorned into almost every sequence. We can't just laugh at Freeman being grouchy to little kids, or Wootton being amusingly childish, oh noooo. We have to remember that Freeman is grouchy because of the emotional damage that he experienced some years ago, and we have to remember that Wootton does make the kids laugh, but people in charge of little ones should also remember their responsibilities.

And as for the troublesome kids? Let's not forget that they may already have their own issues, be it a need for some more attention, a blustery front to cover up insecurities, or a turbulent home life.

The cast is at least full of familiar faces, all doing decent enough work. Alongside Freeman, Ferris, Wootton and Jensen there is Jason Watkins, Alan Carr and even small roles for John Sessions and Ricky Tomlinson. And then there are those kids. While they may not be the best bunch of youngsters to have graced movie screens, they're a likable bunch of rogues and cutie-pies, often raising a smile just by looking cheekily at the camera.

While it may be a bit too sweet and cloying for many, myself included, there are still a few decent moments sprinkled throughout Nativity! And, anyway, Christmas is the time for the sweet and cloying, so you may find it worth a watch while the decorations are hanging up and you just want some undemanding entertainment.

5/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nativity-Danger-The-Manger-DVD/dp/B00EE6C4IW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1386013600&sr=8-2&keywords=nativity+dvd