Children Of The Corn (2009)

Another version of the short story by Stephen King, this time around the tale of "He Who Walks Behind The Rows" is given the TV movie treatment. It's not really a straight remake of the 1984 movie because it can claim to be based on the original story, but it's a lesser take on the material, whichever way you scythe it.

David Anders and Kandyse McClure play the married couple this time around, with their drive about to be interrupted by a bunch of nasty kids who do as they're told by young preacher boy, Isaac (Preston Bailey). No adults have been allowed to live in the small town of Gatlin in decades, and the kids are out to make sure that things stay that way.

Written and directed by Donald P. Borchers (with, of course, no small amount of help from Mr. King), this movie stinks as bad as many of the other corny kid movies to have been released over the years. It's so bad that it seems to have been designed that way.

Take everything that you enjoyed about the original movie - the cast, the opening bit of nastiness, the strange vibe of the middle section - and just keep those things in mind as you struggle through this, because it's removed all of those things.

Anders and McClure are ill-served by the script, stuck with portraying characters who are unlikable from their very first scenes together. The fact that there aren't even any attempts to get the audience to warm to them as the situation they find themselves in becomes clear is testament to how flawed the script is. And then, in the final third of the movie, Anders is stuck with at least one memorably bad moment, which will at least make viewers laugh. Bailey and Daniel Newman (Malachai) are both okay, I guess, but they just don't measure up to the performances that John Franklin and Courtney Gains gave in the same roles.

There are one or two moments that are average, at best, if you're in a charitable mood (as I often am) and that's why I've given this a rating that I view as a generous one. There are many other people who wouldn't be so kind.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Children-Corn-David-Anders/dp/B002KH4KSY/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1382299117&sr=8-4&keywords=children+of+the+corn

Santa Baby (2006)

Jenny McCarthy plays Mary Class, a high-flying business executive, in this Christmas TV movie that starts off pretty dull and then quickly slides downhill from there. She's a busy, busy lady but is forced to take some time out during the holiday season when her father takes ill and she is required to help run the family business. Oh, and her father (George Wendt) happens to be Santa Claus.

I can't bring myself to rate Santa Baby highly, I can't even give it an average score because it's just too unexciting and unfunny for the entire runtime, but I can't bring myself to really "put the boot in" either. It's a little TV movie that tries to be mildly distracting fun and I'm sure that there are at least one or two undemanding viewers who will enjoy this when it's shown on TV during the Yuletide season. It's inoffensive and somehow caters for almost all sections of the viewing demographic. Kids will like the elves, the parents won't mind McCarthy and co. in most of their scenes and the grandparents will like the element of traditional values. There are also some sweet moments to please couples while single folks can enjoy the whole way in which McCarthy has to stand up to her partner Grant (Tobias Mehler) to assert her independence and protect the Claus way of life. Men get to watch the not unattractive Jenny McCarthy while women can wait for scenes that include the handsome Ivan Sergei.

Director Ron Underwood is seemingly happy to go along with the flat script by Garrett Frawley and Brian Turner, as are all of the actors. McCarthy is a world away from the loud, sassy gal she used to be and it's a shame that she doesn't get to at least once remind people of the ballsy woman she used to be. George Wendt turns up and wears the Santa suit, which is really all he's required to do. Ivan Sergei is nice enough in his nice man role while Tobias Mehler has to play the nominal villain of the piece. Poor Michael Moriarty is given a couple of scenes and doesn't even have the good grace to look embarrassed while he's given the most cringeworthy and ridiculous moment in the whole film. Kandyse McClure fares quite a bit better thanks to the double whammy of her not being well-known at all (at least, not to me) and also playing the most sympathetic character of the lot - the poor assistant dragged into the middle of the Christmas madness.

If this comes on TV at some point over the holidays then you may find yourself leaving it on and you may even smile once or twice but you won't laugh and you won't ever rush to rewatch it. It's not a good film, it's just so irritatingly inoffensive that I can't really bring myself to completely trash it. To think that they made a sequel. And to think that, so help me, I'll be watching that sequel very soon, obsessive completist that I am.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Santa-Baby-Jenny-McCarthy/dp/B000VKKV30/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1354570601&sr=1-1&keywords=santa+baby