Shudder Saturday: The Stuff (1985)

This is the second film in as many days that I have revisited with a very different "head on my shoulders". I first saw The Stuff when I was about 12 years old. It was a horror (apparently) that I'd already heard plenty about, with most people being interested in it due to one fun scene occurring during the final act, and I wasn't disappointed when I finally got to see it. It had the strangeness, it had the gloopy moments, and it had that fun scene as a highlight. AND I wasn't too scared by the time the end credits rolled. In fact, I don't think I was scared at all.

What I can see nowadays is that The Stuff is a damn fine satire, something that would be obvious to many viewers but wasn't obvious to 12-year-old me. It's a film about whatever makes the special sauce so special. The trademarked recipes of Coca Cola and those KFC flavours? The Stuff highlights the dangers of not knowing exactly what we're eating . . . especially when it is something that could also be eating us.

Things get started quite quickly, when a group of workers discover a white substance seeping out of the ground. It's sweet, it's addictive, it's soon packaged up and being sold to every consumer as The Stuff, a fine new product with no artificial ingredients and no calories. But it's not as good as it might first appear. It might even be alive, which alarms a young boy (Jason, played by Scott Bloom) when he sees it move. He's not the only one who becomes aware of the sentient nature of The Stuff. There's also David 'Mo' Rutherford (Michael Moriarty), an ex-FBI agent now working on his own, and currently hired by businessmen who want to know more about the sensation that is affecting their own businesses.

Written and directed by the talented Larry Cohen, The Stuff has just the right mix of comedy and thrills to hold up as a fun bit of entertainment. It might not be as scary or gross as it could be, with the horror coming more from the idea than the effects on display, but it has a couple of really good set-pieces (one involving Jason hiding inside a tanker) and is a lot smarter than some might expect, although fans of Cohen should always know that he likes to deliver a decent amount of subtext and thought-provocation with his thrills.

Moriarty is great in the role of Mo, especially in the times when he explains why he goes by that name (altering it slightly, depending on who he is speaking to), and Bloom is very good as the teenager lashing out at something without any idea of how to properly deal with the situation. Andrea Marcovicci is the main female, an advertising executive who sees the error of her ways, and she does equally good work, and you get Garrett Morris giving a memorable turn as 'Chocolate Chip' Charlie, as well as small roles for Danny Aiello and Paul Sorvino.

Time has been kind to The Stuff, perhaps because viewers can now approach it as the satire it is rather than the horror it was marketed as, and I think it's one well worth revisiting, or checking out for the first time. It may even become one you go back to often. Because, as the advert says, enough is never enough.

7/10

You can try to get enough of The Stuff here.
Americans can have their fill here.

June-Claude Van Damme: Knock Off (1998)

Knock Off doesn't know what it wants to be. That is the first problem it has. It also pairs Jean-Claude Van Damme up with Rob Schneider. That is the second problem. The fact that the action sequences aren't all that good doesn't help either.

Here's the plot. In fact, no. The plot is so cringe-inducing and risible that I can't bring myself to detail it here. Let's just say that Schneider and Van Damme run a business that sell knock off jeans and they get involved in a scheme that involves the CIA, murder, treachery, and dangerous jeans that have been laced with powerful explosives. Yes, this is a film based around exploding jeans.

Director Tsui Hark obviously thought that he could put things together in a way that would recreate the messy fun of Double Team but he ends up misfiring. There's one pretty good action sequence at about the halfway mark, the rest of the film is a damp squib. Visually ugly, never as amusing as it thinks it is, and lacking any character that you could care for.

Writer Steven E. de Souza should take a large portion of the blame. His script is consistently awful from start to finish. Not only does it lack decent dialogue and characterisation, it devolves into an utter mess after the first 20 minutes or so. It's hard to believe that this is penned by the man who gave us so many other modern action classics.

Van Damme flashes his smile here but it feels, in line with the film, lazy and insincere. He's selling a screen presence that isn't there, sadly. As for Schneider, I won't automatically dismiss him from movies because I don't mind him in the right role. This isn't the right role. Nobody here is in a role that feels right for them, not even Paul Sorvino as a stern CIA agent, and that's the kind of thing that Sorvino could probably do in his sleep. Wyman Wong does okay with his small role, and Lela Rochon tries her best, but this is not a film designed to showcase the talents of the actors involved.

If you want to see one action movie about exploding jeans then I can heartily recommend this as being the film for you. Otherwise, avoid it at all costs. It's STILL not the worst film in the Van Damme filmography (that one is still to come, from the many I have already seen) but it's definitely a contender.

2/10

You can buy the movie here.
Americans can pick up this pack.

The Rocketeer (1991)

From the films of his that I have seen, director Joe Johnston hasn't made a movie yet that I have disliked. Okay, I may have dodged his worst films (I've yet to see The Pagemaster and Hidalgo, to name two contenders) but the man seems to be a consistently safe pair of hands for mainstream blockbuster fare.

Not that you would always know that at the time. Just look at the poor reception for some of his perfectly acceptable outings (Jurassic Park III and the really very good The Wolfman). Which brings us to The Rocketeer.

I am not going to try claiming that The Rocketeer is a misunderstood masterpiece. I am not going to create any petition for it to be given a special edition re-release and some overdue sequels. I'm just here to tell you that it's a good film. Sometimes it's very good. It's also easy to see why it didn't really set the box office alight.

Bill Campbell plays a young pilot, Cliff, who finds a prototype jet pack that was stashed away by a thieving crook. Using the jet pack, with a helmet made by his buddy (Peevy, played by Alan Arkin), Cliff turns himself into quite the flying sensation. His real identity may be a secret but everyone will know him as The Rocketeer. Unfortunately, this gets him caught in the middle of a Nazi plot. It also doesn't help him look any better in front of his beautiful girlfriend (Jenny, played by Jennifer Connelly), or the dashing actor (Neville Sinclair, played by Timothy Dalton) who might be looking to steal her away.

Not quite lively and bright enough for younger viewers and a bit too silly in places for older viewers, The Rocketeer finds itself in a strange middle ground. It's hard to know who exactly it is made for. Having not read the graphic novel it was based on, I don't even know if fans of the source material would be pleased or disappointed. All I can say is that this always appealed to me thanks to the many mornings I found myself watching TV and catching some random episodes of King Of The Rocket Men.

As well as the main jetpack-based premise, there are a lot of other simple pleasures here. Campbell may not be the most charismatic of leads, but he does perfectly fine in his role (feeling very much like the old-fashioned kind of wholesome lead he is supposed to be). Arkin is fun, Connelly radiates, and Timothy Dalton might just be the most fun that he has ever been in a non-comedy film. Seriously, almost every moment featuring Dalton's character is a delight.

You also have some wonderful production design, it's just a shame that they somehow didn't lean in even further with the retro style, and you get a rousing score by Howard Shore. There's also some nice swashbuckling, some enjoyable aerial stunt work, Paul Sorvino and Terry O'Quinn having fun in supporting roles, and an excerpt from a fake film that I really wish we had seen become a reality; The Laughing Bandit.

Johnston may show restraint throughout much of the film, certainly in comparison to the approach of some other directors, but he makes the most of the set-pieces to throw some great action on the screen, and make things as bombastic as they can be. It's an instinct that serves him well, and served him equally well when he was employed to helm the excellent Captain America: The First Avenger almost two decades later.

7/10

Get this Bluray, which plays here on UK players as well as on American players (from my experience). Sadly lacking in extras though.

Santa Baby 2 (2009)

Jenny McCarthy returns as Mary Class (aka Santa's daughter) in a sequel that nobody wanted and, unbelievably, it's actually an improvement on the first film. Okay, so the first film didn't exactly set the bar high but I still went into this movie fully expecting to have to tolerate it as opposed to try and enjoy it. I can't say that I loved it but I can say that it didn't make me want to smash in my TV screen in a blind rage.

A few faces have changed onscreen (Santa Claus is now played by Paul Sorvino and Luke Jessop is now played by Dean McDermott) but the rest all remain the same and behind the camera it's still Ron Underwood directing from another script by Garrett Frawley and Brian Turner.

The story this time around is all about Santa having what can only be described as a bit of a mid-life crisis. Mary did such a good job organising Christmas the previous year that he has more free time on his hands than ever before and spends it playing in jazz bands, playing golf and just being anywhere but where he's needed most. He's left everything being overseen by the efficient Teri (Kelly Stables) but then expects Mary to step in and finish everything off in the last stretch. Mary isn't happy about this and nor is Teri, who has been working hard to gain recognition and possible promotion.

Everything just works a bit better this time around. McCarthy has some spark to her once again, helped by the fact that this film kind of pits her against the meddling character played by Stables. McDermott is an adequate replacement for Ivan Sergei in the role of Luke, here elevated from potential love interest to actual boyfriend, and Sorvino has a lot of fun as a Santa who just wants to cut out and enjoy all of his new free time. Mig Macario, Gabe Khouth and Richard Side have some fun while Jessica Parker Kennedy makes a very, very cute elf, and also has fun with her role.

It's as predictable and inoffensive as the first movie but it's just that bit more fun. The sugar and schmaltz starts to pile up in the last 15 minutes or so but it's offset ever so slightly by the preceding cheating, scheming and manipulation.

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Santa-Baby-2-Jenny-McCarthy/dp/B003H8F2VE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355078559&sr=8-1&keywords=santa+baby+2

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

When Jersey Shore Shark Attack begins it doesn't take long to show that it was destined to be shown on the Syfy Channel. Bad special effects are shown from the opening moments and a parade of annoying characters soon reassure the viewer that this isn't going to be anything worth watching for more than a few chuckles while braincells are destroyed. But for those who have seen as many of these movies as I have, and I still don't know why I keep doing it to myself beyond sadomasochism, I must say that the special effects here are BAD, even for this kind of movie. I thought I'd seen a number of horrible CG sharks. These may be the very worst.

I am proud to admit that I've never seen Jersey Shore. Ever. As long as I have breath in my body I will do my utmost to make sure things stay that way. However, I know a little bit about it and like to think that this movie starts off with a style befitting of the show. The main characters are given their freeze-framed introductions, dramas are established within minutes and everyone is quite shallow and annoying. Then some poor CG sharks start eating people.

The main plotline, sharks aside, revolves around a temporary hitch in the relationship of Nooki (played by Melissa Molinaro) and TC (Jeremy Luke) and a rivalry between our heroes and some upper-class twits. It's nothing that other people should actually care about but, then again, neither are any of the plotlines that I've heard about from people discussing Jersey Shore. People that I then make my excuses to and leave. For the purpose of a film riffing off the TV show, it suffices.

As amazing as it seems, four people wrote this film with the main screenplay credits going to Michael Ciminera and Richard Gnolfo. To be fair to those involved in the writing process, it's actually quite amusing in many places but just not amusing enough to detract from the horrible special effects and the fact that the whole thing was brought into being in the first place.

Director John Shepphird puts some great actors in minor roles but that's really the only good thing that he does. Well, okay, he gets the camera pointing the right way most of the time but, as is often the case with these kinds of movies, continuity and style go out of the window fairly quickly (or aren't seen at all, in the case of the latter). He hits the beats required for this type of nonsense but he never really does anything to raise it up a notch.

The real shame about the movie not rising up at all is the waste of the cast. The leads are passable but they are playing Jersey Shore people so I didn't really warm to them. The supporting cast, however, includes people such as Tony Sirico (known to so many after his wonderful turn playing Paulie in The Sopranos), William Atherton, a fleeting appearance from Paul Sorvino and an enjoyable camoe from Joey Fatone.

Give this film a watch when you're after a few laughs and some awful CGI and it will deliver but don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling guilty afterwards because you didn't go with a better option.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Jersey-Shore-Shark-Attack-DVD/dp/B0084DDKYI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348423136&sr=8-1