Prime Time: F Valentine's Day (2026)

AKA F**k Valentine's Day.

It may not be an entirely new phenomenon, but there seem to be more rom-coms nowadays that try to push themselves as something pretending to be anti-rom-coms. F Valentines Day is one of those movies, as if you couldn't guess from the title.

Virginia Gardner plays Gina, a young woman who hates Valentine's Day. It's her birthday, but the day is given over to love and hearts and a multitude of ways to force people to spend extra money and engage in extravagant displays of affection. She explains that to Johnny (Jake Cannavale) when he delivers her a pizza that happens to be shaped into a heart for the big day. As an apology for ranting at him, she then gives him a holiday gift voucher valued at $5,000 (although Gina thinks it is just a $50 voucher). Then Gina meets Andrew (Skylar Astin). They don't seem compatible, but maybe that's what they both need. Maybe that's why Andrew plans a holiday after they've been dating for about a year, and maybe that's why he's planning to propose. Gina does not want that proposal, certainly not on Valentine's Day, and it's quite lucky that she's at the same resort as Johnny and his twin sister (Mickey, played by Sabrina Bartlett).

F Valentine's Day has a few decent gags here and there, but nowhere near enough for the 95-minute runtime, and certainly not enough to offset the fact that the main character isn't particularly easy to like. Gina is defined by two main traits: her hatred of Valentine's Day and her ability to lie with ease. Andrew may be what she thinks she needs, but he's hard to like in a different way, mainly due to being too bland and willing to settle with someone so clearly not suitable for him. Writer Steve Bencich may have thought that the mismatch would be entertaining and amusing enough, and he may have thought that the third act here is subversive and satisfying enough to keep most viewers happy, but that isn't the case. This is a film that feels mildly enjoyable for a few moments (particularly any scenes that feature Natasha Leggero and Lil Rel Howery), but then moves between irritating and simply mean.

Director Mark Gantt has too much faith in the material, especially when he doesn't even try to distract viewers with a good enough cast. In fact, he doesn't try to distract viewers with anything else. There's a disappointing lack of big laughs, no light and smile-inducing montage moments, no upbeat soundtrack selections, and certainly nothing I would consider a worthwhile set-piece. Aside from the aforementioned Leggero and Howery, the best moments have Gina just receiving some decent advice from her caring mother (Marisa Tomei). Those scenes work because Gina can't keep up the facade that she tends to keep up with everyone else in her life.

Perhaps I'm affected by how much I disliked her character, but Gardner doesn't work here in the lead role. The film needed someone with much more charisma to make up for the inherent character flaws. The same goes for Astin, who never once gets to have even just a hint of edge to his personality, and neither Cannavale nor Bartlett can do enough to overcome the limitations that the screenplay puts on them. I'll mention Leggero and Howery a third time, they deserve it, and Tomei is someone I will never complain about seeing in any role (even if it's not one of her best movies, and this is far from one of her best movies).

Although I didn't really enjoy this, it's probably an easy choice for people to pick if they're browsing their streaming services and hoping to find something that offers a bit of romance without too much of the sugar and schmaltz. It doesn't avoid those things completely, but it's like a Valentine's Day chocolate dessert with a surprisingly sour centre. Some will really like that contrast. I'll always prefer a straightforward molten chocolate cake with some cool cream or ice cream on the side.

4/10

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Fall (2022)

I don't understand people who don't have a rational fear of heights. I have no idea how roofers, scaffolders, and anyone else can keep their sanity in any kind of employment that involves climbing above a height of, hmmmmm, let's say about ten feet. So I really wanted to see Fall, but I also really didn't want to see it. I get light-headed just from watching some of those rooftop parkour videos that you can easily find online. And someone at the top of a crane lowering themselves from the main platform to do pull-ups? Yeah, the sweat starts running down the back of my neck as I just become a massive blob of quivering clamminess. But that immediate reaction is why I wanted to see Fall, and I decided to be brave about it. All I could hope for was being able to avoid fainting in the cinema.

Becky (Grace Caroline Currey, billed here as Grace Fulton) and Hunter (Virginia Gardner) are two friends who used to spend a lot of time together, with some of that time spent climbing to heights I wouldn't even want to reach in an elevator. Things haven't been the same, however, since a tragedy we see in the opening scenes that you can predict happening quicker than you can say Cliffhanger. Which is fine. It's all we need, especially when we get to the main premise. Becky and Hunter are going to climb to the top of a 2000-foot radio tower. Hunter will get some great photos and footage for her online fanbase. Becky will regain her strength and enthusiasm for a life with some danger in it. Unfortunately, a damaged ladder leads to the pair being completely stuck at the top of the tower. The film then uses numerous tricks to maintain a vertiginous sensation while viewers wonder if/how the characters will save themselves.

Directed by Scott Mann (who I recall gave us the fun of The Tournament a number of years ago), Fall is a great example of how to take a decent premise and present it in a way that doesn’t disappoint. The height is enough of a danger, of course, but you also get some tension between the main characters, a number of close calls, and some portentous vultures. The script, co-written by Mann and Jonathan Frank, isn’t perfect, (one main plot development feels as redundant as it is predictable, but another plot development works surprisingly well) but the predicament of the characters allows the film-makers to intersperse any scene with a shot reminding viewers of just how high up they are. And it is easy to forget about script mis-steps when considering the potential cost of any literal mis-step.

I really enjoyed The Ledge, although I understand that a lot of other people were unimpressed by the quality of the acting in that film (and the varying quality of the special effects), but this is a superior trip through similar territory. If you enjoyed The Ledge then you should enjoy this. If you didn’t enjoy The Ledge, however, I would still suggest giving this a go.

Although it is all about the dizzying height and constant peril, Fulton and Gardner are very good in their roles, with the latter possessing enough presence for both women (because, to be fair, another flaw in the script is keeping Fulton a bit too stunned into inaction until she is allowed to find her drive). Both convincingly sell the premise, and both feel as if they could be friends, which is all that can be asked of them. Although I don’t know how the effects and greenscreen and any other trickery were stitched together to make everything look so realistic, both also look very capable of climbing with ropes and holding on to flimsy metal outcrops as if their lives depended on it. There are some other cast members, including Jeffrey Dean Morgan as the father of Fulton’s character, but the film is, for the most part, essentially a taut and lean two-hander.

I would warn people who feel they might have an even stronger reaction than I did - the film deserves to be seen on the big screen, yet a cinema environment means you cannot easily give yourself a breather during the more intense scenes - but that is outweighed by a hearty recommendation. No, I don’t know why I used the word “hearty” there either. Maybe I was trying to avoid ending on some pun about giving it the highest praise.

7/10

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Halloween (2018)

Horror fans. At heart, we're easily pleased, according to some anyway. And we're an optimistic lot, at least when it comes to films that aren't cynical remakes. Time and time again, we have been given assurances about remakes and reboots. This time they're going to get things right. It's going back to the spirit of the original. This will be a film for the fans. And that's what we were told with Halloween. Indeed, early word on the film was fantastic, and a lot of fans are very happy with it. I am just not too sure what they have seen in it that I have missed.

Here's the plot. When a couple of true-crime podcasters get to visit Michael Myers in the sanitarium that has been his home for forty years they do their best to get a reaction from him, seemingly to no avail. The podcasters then go to visit Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis returning to her iconic role), now living a sheltered existence, staying locked inside her own home, to the detriment of her relationship with her daughter (Karen, played by Judy Greer) and her granddaughter (Allyson, played by Andi Matichak). And it's only a short while from then until Michael *gasp* escapes and *shock* heads to find Laurie once again.

Okay, there's something off about Halloween that I can't put my finger on. Something to do with the way that those involved insisted it would work as a sequel to the original film, while ignoring all of the other movies that came along after it, yet not quite nailing a consistent tone throughout, not seeming to handle the manners of Michael correctly, and not managing to give fans a finale worthy of the wait. What should have been a potential last hurrah ends up instead being a bit of an eye-roll and a shrug.

Director David Gordon Green doesn't do a bad job when he allows himself time away from the main characters and plotting. That one tracking shot, shown in preview clips that were used to advertise the movie, is pretty great, allowing us to watch Michael mingle with unwitting trick or treaters as he wanders around and commits a couple of impressively short 'n' sharp kills. And there's a decent sequence that features a scared child and a babysitter who assumes that it's all down to imaginary terrors. Unfortunately, Green does worse with a number of scenes that seem to warp the characters for the sake of a fresh start in the series. The script, co-written by the director with Jeff Fradley and Danny McBride, has just as many silly moments as many of the other sequels it is so desperate to erase from the canon, and, worst of all, it doesn't do justice to the characters that deserve better treatment. Those characters would fare a lot worse if they weren't played by such good actors. And did I mention that everything is kicked off this time by true-crime podcasters? Yes, it may lack Busta Rhymes and webcams, but let's not pretend that this isn't as gimmicky and mistakingly attempting to be trendy in the same way as, oh, Halloween: Resurrection was. Things lift up when scenes don't feel like they're either reacting to trends or dishing up fan-service but, sadly, most of the film seems to be stuck in those two camps.

The cast help immensely, and it goes without saying that Curtis gives another great performance. Greer is good, although playing the overly-tense character that she's been stuck with many times before, and Matichak is a likeable younger potential final girl who could easily carry on the Strode legacy, as far as I'm concerned. The wonderful Will Patton is . . . wonderful, if sorely underused, in the role of Officer Hawkins, and Haluk Bilginer tries to fill a Loomis-shaped gap, but is let down by the writing in the second half. Virginia Gardner, Dylan Arnold, Miles Robbins, and Drew Scheid all do well as teens who may find themselves in peril, and Jefferson Hall and Rhian Rees are those pesky podcasters.

Is this a bad horror movie? No. There are some good kills, and an attempt to craft some iconic Myers moments. It just isn't a masterpiece, not in comparison to many other horror movies and not even in comparison to the preceding films that those involved view as lesser instalments in the series. A lot of the characters here do typically dumb stuff to get themselves in a position to be picked off, a number of moments feel like they bring the luggage of the other movies that have been ignored/discarded, and the ending doesn't feel true to the characters.

But that doesn't matter whenever Michael grasps hat knife handle and starts walking towards his next victim while that classic music plays. Because us horror fans, well, we're easily pleased sometimes. I know I am.

6/10

You can buy the movie here.
Americans can get it here.