Netflix And Chill: FeardotCom (2002)

A film from the early 2000s that is all about a criminal apparently making use of the internet to ensnare victims, Feardotcom couldn't date itself any more if it tried. It doesn't help that it is helmed by William Malone, an inconsistent director who also gave us the fantastic remake of House On Haunted Hill and the sheer lunacy of Parasomnia. Malone likes to deliver films that have moments full of quickly-edited disturbing, sometimes mind-bending, imagery, and this is no different. It's just not as good as anything else he's done.

The basic plot concerns a killer (played by Stephen Rea) who is may or may not be infecting people with the help of a very dangerous website. Stephen Dorff is Mike, a detective who wonders why this killer is using the same method that led to him previously being caught, and Natascha McElhone is Terry, an employee from the Department Of Health, involved in the case because the first one or two victims have show initial signs of a virus being the cause of their deaths. With it being revealed that every victim ended up visiting www.feardotcom.com before they died, both Mike and Terry make the absolutely logical and sane decision to, ummmmm, visit www.feardotcom.com, which leads to dangerous hallucinations and paranoia. Can they keep themselves focused enough to catch the killer? MAYBE it would have been easier if they hadn't logged into the fucking website that seems to have killed off everyone else who visited it.

I have nothing good to say about FeardotCom, and this review could have easily been one profanity-laden stream of consciousness. The performances aren't great (Dorff is okay, McElhone has often just been a bit dead-eyed in her performances, Rea is aiming for a career low, and Jeffrey Combs is sorely underused), the visuals are downright ugly throughout, and the plot is just as ridiculous as anything churned out most months by The Asylum. I'm not surprised that this was the last feature script from writer Josephine Coyle, even if she was "helped" by a couple of other people, but I am surprised that anyone had the sheer nerve to give Malone a "Masters Of Horror" episode just a few years after this. Parasomnia currently stands as his last feature, and maybe that is for the best.

I have struggled to think of one thing positive to say about this, to end on a moderately upbeat note, and I have come up short. Even the Udo Kier cameo is far too short, while other supporting players who get a bit more screentime aren't as memorable. I quite liked the small role for Amelia Curtis, and her character gets to have what may be the only decent scene in the whole film, so I guess that will be the silver lining to this huge cloud. Feardotcom = worth struggling through if you're a REALLY big fan of Amelia Curtis. Everyone else should avoid it like the website at the heart of the plot.

2/10

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June-Claude Van Damme: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

Is Universal Soldier: The Return a good movie? Not really. It's the weakest of the Universal Soldier movies that star Van Damme and it wastes a couple of the main stars. Having said that, it's a lot better than the other Universal Soldier movies that were developed with the idea of turning the brand into a viable TV mini-series. It's also a lot better than other Van Damme movies you can pick from this time.

Van Damme returns as Luc, now a normal man after having all of the UniSol implants and tech removed from his body. He works for the company, training new soldiers and keeping an eye on things. One of those soldiers is a mean badass played by Bill Goldberg, and he doesn't like Luc all that much. That wouldn't be a problem, if only the supercomputer running things (SETH, voiced by Michael Jai White, who also plays him in humanoid form in the second half of the movie) wasn't about to turn all super-evil and turn the soldiers against the puny humans around them.

As of today, this is the only film directed by Mic Rodgers (who has carved himself quite a career in the realm of stunt work). That's a bit of a shame, because Rodgers does just fine in the big chair. There's a lot of goodwill to claw back after the previous entries in the series, films that are justifiably ignored by the script (written by John Fasano and William Malone), and there aren't enough action sequences to detract from the relatively low budget, but this isn't a bad way to get things back on track and return some value to the brand name.

Van Damme does just fine in his lead role here, it's a character he is comfortable with and the premise doesn't ask him to do anything too difficult (like emote or convince viewers that he has a degree in bioengineering), and both Goldberg and White bring solid physicality to their antagonists. Kiana Tom has a sizable role, sizable in comparison to other female roles in JCVD movies anyway, and does well enough, and there are supporting turns from the ever-dependable Xander Berkeley and Daniel Von Bargen.

I know that people often go on about the next two films in this series. They say that they're a marked step up and usually recommend people just diving straight in (because they are pretty much standalone action films making use of the UniSol idea). There's no doubt that they're better. That doesn't make this one bad though. It's just . . . not really good.

5/10

This is a good way to own the series.
Americans can go for this mix.