Prime Time: Bride Hard (2025)

If you want an action comedy with a talented female comedian in the main role then I could direct you towards one or two options. If you want an action comedy set against the backdrop of a wedding then I know of at least one that I would tentatively recommend. Bride Hard gives you a bit of both, although it depends on how talented and funny you find star Rebel Wilson. I would say that this is one of her best vehicles in the last decade, but that's damning it with faint praise.

Wilson plays Sam, a woman trying to enjoy her role as Maid Of Honour for her bestie, Betsy (Anna Camp). Unfortunately, Sam is often called away to her job, which is exciting and dangerous. Unbeknownst to most of the people around her, Sam is a spy. This makes her a bit unreliable when it comes to schedules and parties, leading to her being replaced in the Maid Of Honour role by Virginia (Anna Chlumsky), but she's very handy to have around when the big wedding day is gate-crashed by a group of mercenary robbers. 

The first feature to be produced from a screenplay by Shaina Steinberg, this feels like something that was very loosely plotted to allow plenty of space and time for Wilson to riff in her particular style. That could have gone badly, but the fact that the supporting cast allows for everyone else to have a bit of fun (Camp, Chlumsky, and both Da'Vine Joy Randolph and Gigi Zumbado are especially good as the other members of the bridal party). It's also good to have Stephen Dorff as the main villain, Justin Hartley being a bit of eye candy for the ladies in the first act, and a good selection of fairly familiar faces in some smaller roles.

Simon West knows what he's doing in the director's chair. While the gags aren't always as funny as they could be, nor the action as satisfying and slick as more straightforward, and more violent, outings, the ration feels just about right. This is passable entertainment for those browsing their streaming options and looking for something easygoing and fun, even if one or two moments seem determined to bring you out of the movie with the implausibility of it all.

I would definitely revisit the movies alluded to in the first paragraph ahead of this one, but I didn't mind it while it was on. The pacing is decent, a few of the running gags had me chuckling often enough, and there's some obvious messaging about the bonds of friendship being strained as life keeps throwing life stuff in the way. And it might just put you in the mood to rewatch Bridesmaids, which is always a good thing. 

6/10

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Prime Time: City Of Industry (1997)

Writer Ken Solarz has seen a movie or two. It’s easy to remember this when he keeps throwing so much onscreen that should be familiar to even the most casual viewer of crime movies. City Of Industry is chock full of dialogue and situations that have been in hundreds of other movies, and it doesn’t manage to put a fresh spin on anything being regurgitated throughout the 97-minute runtime.

A group of guys do a robbery, one big score that could set them up for a good life ahead (of course), but things soon go wrong when someone gets greedy, leading to a betrayed individual plotting some bloody revenge.

Director John Irvin mistakenly puts his faith in others here. He has a great cast to work with, but very few of them are able to improve the material. In fact, one or two (mainly Stephen Dorff and Harvey Keitel) seem to lean into the idea that the characters were written in a way all too similar to some of their previous work.

Aside from Dorff and Keitel, although they aren’t awful (they just seem stuck in a certain lane that the script puts them in), the cast also includes Timothy Hutton, Wade Dominguez, Michael Jai White, Lucy Liu, Dana Barron, and Famke Janssen. It’s the women who do much better, maybe because they have to work harder in roles that would be completely forgettable with less capable performers.

Derivative and uninspired, this feels like exactly what it is - a 1997 crime thriller that wants to be Tarantino-esque without having any actual Tarantino talent attached. So we’re left with thin characters, laughably tired dialogue, and a plot that tries to twist and turn slightly while heading towards a very predictable third act. Not recommended, especially when I can point you towards at least a dozen other “Tarantino-lite” crime thrillers that work better than this.

3/10

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Shudder Saturday: The Price We Pay (2023)

It's a pretty standard horror movie trope to put some bad people in a place where they end up being the lesser of two evils. The worse the people, the worse situation they can find themselves in. The Price We Pay, written by Christopher Jolley, developing a story co-created by himself and director Ryûhei Kitamura, makes use of this trope. It has a decent cast to work with, but there's nothing much else brought to the table.

Alex (Emile Hirsch), Cody (Stephen Dorff), and Shane (Tanner Zagarino) burst into a pawn shop to commit a violent robbery. At least one person is killed, and the men flee with a hostage (Grace, played by Gigi Zumbado). Making use of Grace's car, which doesn't look as if it can drive on for many more miles, they end up reaching a farm in the middle of nowhere, somewhere they figure that they can hide out for a while. And that's when things start to go off the rails.

While I have enjoyed the work of both Hirsch and Dorff in many other movies, they're unable to do anythng here that distracts from a weak and tired screenplay. Zumbado is also just as hampered, but has the benefit of not having to go through the standard crime movie grimacing and circular arguments. Zagarino makes much less of an impression, due to his role being "the wounded one" for most of his screentime, but at least viewers get a supporting role for Vernon Wells, which should be enough to make up for some of the failings elsewhere. Tyler Sanders isn't too bad as an apparently timid young farmhand named Danny, and Erika Ervin gets to have fun underneath some face-altering make up.

It's easy to see where this went wrong though, even if you like the cast as much as I do (and I appreciate that many others won't). Jolley is one of those people who has become quite prolific over the past decade, aiming for quantity over quality as he moved from gangster and hooligan movies towards more and more horror project. I can easily imagine him pitching this idea to Kitamura, probably not believing his luck when the director decided to take on the project. While he can deliver great horror fare (the last feature that I enjoyed from him was Downrange, back in 2017), he seems unable here to find a way to twist and freshen the material, leaving him at the helm of a disappointingly dull affair.

It's coherent enough, and it all seems fairly logical (for the premise), but there's nothing to really enjoy here. None of the nastiness is impressive, nor is it presented in a way that could make the gleeful sadism of some of the main characters more fun, relatively speaking, and the technical side of things is what you might call perfunctory. Thankfully, if you watch this on a streaming service, as I did, then the price to be paid for watching The Price We Pay is only the 86-minute runtime, instead of any monetary amount. That may still feel too pricey for some.

3/10

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Netflix And Chill: FeardotCom (2002)

A film from the early 2000s that is all about a criminal apparently making use of the internet to ensnare victims, Feardotcom couldn't date itself any more if it tried. It doesn't help that it is helmed by William Malone, an inconsistent director who also gave us the fantastic remake of House On Haunted Hill and the sheer lunacy of Parasomnia. Malone likes to deliver films that have moments full of quickly-edited disturbing, sometimes mind-bending, imagery, and this is no different. It's just not as good as anything else he's done.

The basic plot concerns a killer (played by Stephen Rea) who is may or may not be infecting people with the help of a very dangerous website. Stephen Dorff is Mike, a detective who wonders why this killer is using the same method that led to him previously being caught, and Natascha McElhone is Terry, an employee from the Department Of Health, involved in the case because the first one or two victims have show initial signs of a virus being the cause of their deaths. With it being revealed that every victim ended up visiting www.feardotcom.com before they died, both Mike and Terry make the absolutely logical and sane decision to, ummmmm, visit www.feardotcom.com, which leads to dangerous hallucinations and paranoia. Can they keep themselves focused enough to catch the killer? MAYBE it would have been easier if they hadn't logged into the fucking website that seems to have killed off everyone else who visited it.

I have nothing good to say about FeardotCom, and this review could have easily been one profanity-laden stream of consciousness. The performances aren't great (Dorff is okay, McElhone has often just been a bit dead-eyed in her performances, Rea is aiming for a career low, and Jeffrey Combs is sorely underused), the visuals are downright ugly throughout, and the plot is just as ridiculous as anything churned out most months by The Asylum. I'm not surprised that this was the last feature script from writer Josephine Coyle, even if she was "helped" by a couple of other people, but I am surprised that anyone had the sheer nerve to give Malone a "Masters Of Horror" episode just a few years after this. Parasomnia currently stands as his last feature, and maybe that is for the best.

I have struggled to think of one thing positive to say about this, to end on a moderately upbeat note, and I have come up short. Even the Udo Kier cameo is far too short, while other supporting players who get a bit more screentime aren't as memorable. I quite liked the small role for Amelia Curtis, and her character gets to have what may be the only decent scene in the whole film, so I guess that will be the silver lining to this huge cloud. Feardotcom = worth struggling through if you're a REALLY big fan of Amelia Curtis. Everyone else should avoid it like the website at the heart of the plot.

2/10

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Jackals (2017)

Imagine, if you can, that you were trying to watch the very enjoyable You're Next. But nobody will give you any peace. You have to try to engage in conversations, someone has decided to visit and show you their new (crying) baby, and your bladder has decided to play up for the day, deciding that the last coffee you had was enough to take you over the edge, meaning that you have to nip to the loo every 10 minutes. The pause button on your player is broken so you end up just dipping in and out of the film, getting random bits of information without making sense of the whole plot.

Then you decide to make your own horror movie, one that you feel will be an excellent little horror film in the same vein as You're Next. That movie would be Jackals, a disappointingly pointless mess that never truly engages the viewer and draws them in. But at least you included home invasion horror, people wearing animal masks, and a plot point about someone who used to be in a cult.

The plot is all about a family unit trying to deprogram one of their own, having stolen him away from the cult he now considers his true family. While he resists their attempts to return him to his precious state, the cult members gather outside and start terrorising the family.

It makes sense that this is the first feature script from Jared Rivet, who doesn't create good enough characters, doesn't effectively build tension, and ruins any potential the premise could have with every main story beat, all the way to the tediously predictable final scenes.

What doesn't make sense is the fact that this is far from director Kevin Greutert's first rodeo. He previously directed Jessabelle AND the sixth and seventh instalments in the Saw franchise (two instalments I really enjoyed). So it makes me think that he initially saw something in the script that was then lost during the transition from page to screen.

The cast don't help either. They're not awful, and you get lead roles for people like Johnathon Schaech and Deborah Kara Unger, but a couple of them (Ben Sullivan and Nick Roux, playing the brothers, the former being the brainwashed cult member) aren't as good as they should be. Stephen Dorff is wasted in his small role, and Chelsea Ricketts tries her best but is given the worst parts of the script to deal with, in terms of her reactions to events and characterisation.

If you're desperate for something to watch, and it's streaming somewhere for free, then you may enjoy Jackals. I mean . . . I'm sure someone could enjoy it. But I would implore you to search for something, anything, different. Because the only thing this has going for it is a degree of competence on the tech side of things. No fun, no thrills, no tension, just technical competence.

3/10

You can, if you wish, buy Jackals here.
Americans can buy it here.

Leatherface (2017)

There are some people that like Leatherface, the . . . . eighth instalment in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise (unless I have miscounted). Some people liked Texas Chainsaw. Some people like iced coffees. And pineapple on pizza. And these are the people that I will sit and silently glare at. Yes, ALL of them.

Once again attempting to show audiences the "birth" of Leatherface, this is arguably the tamest film yet for the franchise. There are a few good gore moments, I won't deny it, but it all lacks a certain edge, instead opting to give us a plot that's typical "criminals on the loose" fare, with the addition of an attempted rug pull so entirely predictable that it wouldn't even fool either of my two cats, even if they were watching the film while catnipped out of their tiny cat minds.

Most of the cast do a decent job, despite having such weak material to work with. The youngsters include Sam Strike, Vanessa Grasse, Sam Coleman, James Bloor, and Jessica Madsen. None of them make a very strong impression, but they're only really there so we can find out when the chainsaw was first put to good use. As for the adults, Lili Taylor does the coddling mama act just fine, Stephen Dorff is excellent as an angry lawman who might be confusing revenge with justice, and Finn Jones is present in some scenes.

Written by Seth M. Sherwood, the script is even more forgettable than so many other insipid horror vehicles from recent years. Some very minute characterisations help, and the opening and closing sequences are better than anything we have to muddle through in the middle, but it's certainly not enough to keep you caring, even for what should be quite a perfect runtime.

Sherwood at least has the excuse of inexperience, which cannot be said for the talented co-directors, Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury. Inside and Livid are two of the finest French horror movies from this first part of the 21st century. How the two decided that this project would be a good use of their time and energy is beyond me. It isn't, and their considerable talents are hidden so deep here as to be practically invisible.

Completists will watch this film. Fans who believe that "the saw is family" will watch this film. Undemanding horror fans will watch this film. But I suspect it is only the last group that will end up enjoying it. It's a below average film, hence my rating (as generous as it is), but it's a TERRIBLE Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie.

4/10

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Sci-Fi September: Space Truckers (1996)

Ahem, any fans of Stuart Gordon may also like to check out this lengthy interview HERE.

From the wonderfully demented mind of Stuart Gordon comes this wonderfully demented sci-fi film, boosted by a great cast and a few fun ideas that help to overcome the relatively low budget and occasional-not-so-special effects. The emphasis here is on entertainment rather than any final polishing, and that's just fine with me.

Dennis Hopper plays John Canyon, a space trucker with a fairly reliable, albeit slow, rig. He's a bit behind schedule when he drops off a load of square pigs (for your square meals) and ends up arguing over his fee due to him from company man Keller (George Wendt). One fight later, John ends up having to get away in a hurry. He's joined by the lovely Cindy (Debi Mazar) and a lad who has just passed his test for the trucking life, Mike Pucci (Stephen Dorff). He also has a new cargo, which is supposed to be a whole load of sex dolls . . . . . . . . . . but that's highly doubtful, considering the built-in security protecting it. And did I mention that Charles Dance plays a semi-cyborg psychopath?

Written by Ted Mann, adapting a story that he and director Gordon came up with, Space Truckers is a loving mix of old sci-fi romps - the kind of stuff with bright colours and killer robots - and the blue collar approach to a life spent in space that came along in the 1970s (most notably, I guess, in Alien).

Hopper is great in the lead role, grumpy and set in his ways but not without the sense to see what's right under his nose at times, while Dorff is enjoyable wide-eyed and innocent, and Mazar is tough and cute. Dance is a semi-cyborg psychopath, which I may have already mentioned, and I'll be damned if I didn't love seeing every minute of his over the top performance. Other names in the cast include Sandra Dickinson, Vernon Wells, and Mr. Wendt. Everyone seems to be having a blast, which transfers to the audience.

Gordon directs with his usual steady hand. I'm a fan of the man, having seen how he can make the most of every dollar on every movie that he makes, and this is even more interesting to watch when placed in amongst his filmography. In a way, it seems far removed from most of his other movies (although he has, of course, done relatively straight sci-fi with Fortress and Robot Jox), but it's also absolutely in line with the sensibilities shown in almost everything that he's done. There are some dark moments, there's plenty of humour, and Barbara Crampton graces the film with her lovely presence, in a brief cameo role. There are deadly robo-aliens and other trappings of the genre, of course, but it's almost impressive to see just how far Gordon can shape the material to his own ends.

I'm not sure if others will enjoy this movie as much as I did, but I hope that some people at least give it a viewing. It's certainly not dull, even if you only decide to watch it for that Charles Dance performance.

7/10

Price-wise, Region 2 is the way to go - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Space-Truckers-DVD-Dennis-Hopper/dp/B00030ERYC/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1409730107&sr=1-1&keywords=space+truckers

April Fools: Cecil B. DeMented (2000)

John Waters is a fun guy. His career spans decades and he remains defiantly subversive and independent. In fact, Waters himself might agree that the fact that he HAS such a lengthy career defies the odds. He doesn't make movies for the mainstream, but instead aims squarely for the awkward, the odd, the unbalanced, the outsiders, and the fiercely individual. AKA the cool people. Bizarrely, the mainstream sometimes picks up what he lays down. I'm thinking mainly of the stage show and movie remake that stemmed from Hairspray. There was also no small amount of love shown for Serial Mom when it came out, but maybe I was just finding more friends who appreciated Waters at that point.

Anyway, I should really start talking about Cecil B. DeMented. It's a film that, in some ways, seems perfectly designed to appeal to the mainstream, hence my opening ramble, but in every other way it's quintessentially Waters (who has Hollywood squarely in his sights).

Stephen Dorff is Cecil, a young artist frustrated with the entertainment world around him. Blockbusters rub shoulders with lame remakes and lame sequels, and that needs to change. Which is why he kidnaps the famous Honey Whitlock (Melanie Griffith). Forcing her to act in his movie, Cecil explains his aim and Honey eventually starts to come around to his way of thinking. But will anyone else, aside from his small group of loyal followers?

With a lot of great, albeit easy, gags and a cast that mixes a couple of well-known names with some relative "unknowns" such as Jack Noseworthy, Adrian Grenier, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Michael Shannon, Cecil B. DeMented is unlikely to be anyone's favourite John Waters movie, but it's one that I can happily revisit and never tire of. The slim runtime helps - it barely edges over the 80 minute mark - and the rest of the cast, including Alicia Witt and Lawrence Gilliard Jr, also do their bit, with plenty of enthusiasm making up for any failings in actual acting expertise. Dorff is great in the lead role, but Griffith also deserves some credit for putting herself in the midst of such madness.

Despite the thin layer of polish on everything, this is still a biting, anarchic, and interesting work from a writer-director who rarely, if ever, lets me down. The fact that he's only given us one more movie since this one in the last fifteen years is a great shame, and I hope that he's not finished warping our minds just yet.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cecil-Demented-DVD-Melanie-Griffith/dp/B006C0TX8M/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397077920&sr=8-1&keywords=cecil+b+demented