Netflix And Chill: Van Helsing (2004)

Sometimes I have to wonder about myself. My thoughts on Van Helsing are a prime example of just why I have to do that. I remembered quite enjoying this movie. I own the 2-disc special edition released years ago. I have even defended it, considering how much I enjoyed the general plot points used to bring together the main Universal horror icons. But I just rewatched it. Everyone else was right when they kept telling me how awful this film is.

Hugh Jackman plays the titular character, an action hero with the might of the church behind him (although they equally frown upon his methods, and deny his position as their main soldier). He ends up sent to Transylvania, accompanied by the much more timid Carl (David Wenham), as a certain Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) seems intent on finding a way to create a whole brood of baby bloodsuckers. Dracula needs a monster, of course (Frankenstein's creation being played here by Shuler Hensley), but he also tries to experiment with a werewolf or two. Meanwhile, Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale) does her best to keep thwarting a supernatural enemy who seems to have a keen interest in her family.

There are things to enjoy here, and I'll mention some of them soon, but it's worth noting that this is a film so awful that it pretty much derailed the directorial career of Stephen Sommers, a white American man. Do you know how hard you have to fail to have your movie career derailed when you're a white American man? You get about three attempts for everyone lone chance a woman would get. Okay, Sommers did direct a couple of other features after this, and seems to have something in development at the moment, but he's far from the celebrated figure he was when helming two fun Mummy movies.

Those in front of the camera have generally fared better, perhaps helped by the fact that people seem to have (rightly) wiped this film from their memories. Jackman has been busy in many better movies, although he doesn't do a terrible job here as an action hero version of the famous character. Beckinsale has kept fans happy in a number of other vampire movies, of course, as well as a number of lesser-known, but fun, films. Roxburgh seemed to realise how bad he was at picking blockbuster projects (just look at his choices between 2000-2004), Wenham continued to move between bigger and smaller projects with ease, and Hensley isn't someone I can say I've noticed in anything else. 

It's almost impossible to describe Van Helsing as anything other than an ugly movie, and that's a descriptor it works hard to earn. The sets and production design are quite gorgeous, as are many of the costumes and the many props, but shame on Sommers for putting faith in computer effects that weren't yet ready to deliver anything close to what he must have so happily envisioned in his mind. The werewolf moments are the worst, but it's also not good when the brides of Dracula morph from the real actresses (one being the wonderful Elena Anaya) to clumsy CGI. Then we have action sequences that are overdone and ridiculous in a way that makes everything unforgivably boring. It's hard to enjoy any spectacle when it all feels as if it has been created in a computer-enabled vacuum.

I like the Alan Silvestri score, that is the other main plus, and I do like the core idea at the heart of the plot, but it's hard to think of anything else I can be positive about. Kevin J. O'Connor is a fun Igor, and there's still something entertaining about the opening sequences (one presented in line with the Universal classics from the 1930s, the other featuring a bizarre interpretation of Mr. Hyde, voiced by Robbie Coltrane), but I would have to encourage people to stay away from this one. It's a lot of loud noises and overfilled scenes that ultimately lead to nothing really worth your time. But everyone else knew that for the past two decades. 

4/10

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Netflix And Chill: The Cleanse (2016)

Johnny Galecki stars as Paul, a young man who hasn't had a very good time of things lately. He lost a partner, his job, and his way of being able to feel anything close to happiness. That's why he ends up at a strange spiritual retreat, a potential solution in which he will be guided to a better future via the power of "the cleanse". As viewers are made aware very early on, this retreat might have something strange going on beneath the surface. Doesn't every movie retreat have a dark secret at the heart of it?

Written and directed by Bobby Miller, this is a slight film, the runtime is approximately 80 minutes, and a lesser cast would have made this unwatchable, by which I mean that I think the names attached to this were necessary to get the thing funded and actually made. It has one half-decent idea, but even that isn't as well utilised as it could be.

Tonally, Miller seems to be aiming mainly for comedy, but it misses the mark when that comedy is mixed with elements from other genres. The opening scenes work well, showing how sad and desperate Galecki's character feels, but things quickly start to go downhill once everyone arrives at the retreat for the start of their cleanse. Thankfully, some more familiar faces pop up here, but even their introductions aren't enough to make up for the major lull that happens between the beginning and the end of this.

Alongside Galecki, who does a good job of portraying that nervy guy who lacks confidence in his own abilities (not really a stretch for him, considering his popular TV work), you get enjoyable performances from Anna Friel, Kyle Gallner, and, although given a lesser amount of screentime, Diana Bang. These are the people who have put themselves forward for treatment, and they approach the program with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Kevin J. O'Connor is a staff member at the centre, and is as steadfastly Kevin J O'Connor as he usually is, but the real fun is watching performances from Anjelica Huston, as a zealous senior figure guiding individuals through their treatment, and the equally ever-welcome Oliver Platt, playing the head of the organisation looking to help people in what may be a very strange and unusual way.

There are a number of good comedies about people being shown unusual ways to improve their lives, and there are a number of effective thrillers and horror movies about facilities that seem to be helping people while hiding something dark and dangerous beneath their shiny exterior. The Cleanse certainly sits alongside the former selection, but it's worth bearing in mind that it may not belong to the latter category, despite the marketing. I don't want to spoil things for anyone, viewers can watch the film themselves and decide whether the treatment is being offered in good faith with characters just being a bit too paranoid, or whether there is something to be very wary of, but whatever you think The Cleanse is trying to do . . . plenty of films have done it a bit better. Even if they haven't had such a great cast.

5/10

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The Mummy (1999)

Hmmmm, I wonder why I had the urge to revisit this movie series after recently watching Jungle Cruise. Yes, the fact that Jungle Cruise reworked that formula so well put me in mood for some more entertainment in the same vein.

Brendan Fraser stars as Rick O'Connell (feeling for all the world like Rick Dangerous, a late '80s videogame creation based on a very well-known adventure icon). Rick is the daring, reluctant hero in Stephen Sommers' entertaining blockbuster centred around the titular creature of horror infamy and, for those not averse to bombastic fun, it ain't half bad. 

The plot sees Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah, Omid Djalili and others on their way to the legendary city of the dead, Hamunaptra, to find a significant treasure before anyone else (with the main competition being a party led by the sly Beni, played by Kevin J. O'Connor). And then someone accidentally wakes up Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo) and everyone realises that there's more to fear in the desert than just sunstroke. 

There's nothing surprising here, nothing subtle and nothing all that believable but there is a fun action adventure with supernatural elements that should please many movie fans. Will it please fans of the old Universal classics (or even the Hammer versions)? Probably not, though it must be said that there ARE a lot of respectful little nods to past versions of the tale. Sommers directs with a focus on the sheer entertainment side of things, also emphasised in the script that he wrote, from the story worked on with Kevin Jarre and Lloyd Fonvielle.

Fraser and Weisz are two leads who fit perfectly in their roles, both very capable in different ways, and they are thrown from one set-piece to the next, with time spent here and there showing Vosloo's character growing in strength and powers. Nobody has to emote too strongly but everyone does a good enough job of acting beside the various practical and computer effects. We also get the likes of Oded Fehr, Jonathan Hyde and Erick Avari in the cast so there are at least some people on screen to do more than just run and fight stuff.

But never mind the acting anyway, there are booby traps, deadly scarab beetles and, of course, plagues - all rendered nicely enough, even if the pixel count gets uncomfortably high at times. This is a blockbuster,  and it delivers on that score. Maybe not quite the "Indiana Jones" for a new generation, it certainly tries hard with it's mix of thrills, humour and energetic action set-pieces. And the cherry on top is a typically appropriate score from Jerry Goldsmith.

8/10

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Deep Rising (1998)

Part action movie, part disaster movie, part creature feature, Deep Rising is one of those little films that genre films always view with affection, and rightly so. It may be very cheesy at times, and there are some moments nowadays that highlight the FX budget, but everyone is working well with the tone of the material.

Treat Williams plays John Finnegan, a cocky captain of a speedy little ship that has been hired by some tough guys to take them to an ocean liner in the South Pacific Ocean. The liner has been rigged to sink, but not before it is looted. Things don't go to plan, however, and when Finnegan and co. get to the liner, it's already been attacked and raided by someone. Or something.

Deep Rising hits all of the beats that you want it to, from the enjoyable opening scene displaying some unseen threat to the big ship to the perverse and satisfying comeuppance that ends the storyline for one of the baddies. Williams is posited as a very reluctant hero, with his repeated refrain of "now what?" every time things seem about to go from bad to worse, and the supporting cast is a good mix of people who provide varying degrees of enjoyment.

Writer-director Stephen Sommers certainly uses every trick in the book to make the most of his budget and resources, with a lot of the first half of the movie benefiting from very little actually being seen onscreen (the creatures remain underwater, or can be seen/heard trying to get into rooms from the other side of the walls). And there are a lot of good moments that show off some special effects, it's just a case of them not quite having the capability to perfectly render everything they want to display in the third act. The dialogue is a grab bag of clichés and exposition, but it all works well enough. This is a film that isn't attempting to hide the many films influencing it, from the old b-movies with giant monsters in them to the adventure flicks with a square-jawed hero doing his best while out of his depth. It's a formula that Sommers would arguably hone to perfection in his Mummy movies, but it's here in an even more horror-tinged form.

Williams is decent in the lead. He never quite made the step up to full-on cinematic hero, but this is the closest that he comes. The main female in the cast is Famke Janssen, playing a thief named Trillian, and she's fantastic, but that is usually my reaction to any Famke Janssen performance. Wes Studi is the leader of the looters, he's a formidable bit of wretchedness, and Kevin J. O'Connor is supposed to be someone you root for, but is so bloody annoying that you're wishing for his onscreen death from just about the first moment he speaks. Elsewhere, you get Anthony Heald trying to stay smug in the face of overwhelming danger, Jason Flemying, Cliff Curtis, Clifton Powell, Trevor Goddard, Djimon Hounsou, Una Damon, and Clint Curtis making up most of the other players (I may have forgotten one or two main names, it's an impressive cast anyway).

You have some great set-pieces, a number of really impressive death scenes, and a finale that pulls out all the stops when it comes to some stunts involving a Jet Ski zooming along on the water (no sarcasm, more people should appreciate just how good that stuntwork is). Deep Rising is a very fun way to spend 106 minutes, and all the better for not having any cheap sequel coming along to sully the memory of it. Yet.

8/10

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