Prime Time: Wildcat (2025)

I have tended to enjoy Kate Beckinsale in many of her movie choices, no matter how dubious they have been. Wildcat feels like a low point though. It's a horrible slice of mockney nonsense so dire that it will make you wish you could go back in time and enjoy the many other Guy Ritchie imitators that you once thought were scraping the bottom of the lock, stock, and two smoking barrels.

Beckinsale plays Ada, a woman who has to come up with a plan to pay off debts accrued by her problematic brother, Edward (Rasmus Hardiker). No worries though, because Ada knows just what to do, and she'll pit a couple of criminal giants against one another. Those criminal giants are Mrs. Christina Vine and Frasier Mahoney, played by Alice Krige and Charles Dance, respectively. 

I almost gave up on writing that all-too-brief plot summary. The very thought of this film has me wanting to put my head through my laptop screen. It's THAT bad. Writer Dominic Burns takes every cliché in the tough geezer/audacious robbery playbook and mixes them all together without an ounce of wit or intelligence. He's obviously relying on his cast, but they seem unable to figure out exactly where they should pitch their performances.

Director James Nunn has some decent stuff in his filmography, and his next film, Hungry, is one that I am hoping will be a bit of fun. This has to be a strong contender for the worst thing that he's helmed, and I am saying that with the knowledge that he also directed The Marine 5: Battleground and The Marine 6: Close Quarters. I can see where this could have been turned into something moderately amusing and fun, but almost everything is ruined by the laziness and ineptitude of the writing and performances.

Beckinsale is a particular liability, considering that the film seems to have been crafted to be carried along by her name. She never feels like a believable character, and actually seems to be tired of the whole thing by the time the first scene plays out. I don't know why Krige and Dance agreed to be in this, and they're so far removed from doing what they're capable of that I wish they'd been able to refuse whatever pay they were offered for this. Lewis Tan tries to do well in his main supporting role, and is believably smitten with Beckinsale's character, but he's the only one who seems to be making any effort. Hardiker does nothing with a nothing role, and I'm going to do everyone else a favour by simply not mentioning them.

I worried when this ended, partly about the damage I had inflicted upon my own psyche and partly about the fact that people involved in the making of this may have thought they were working on something good. If they thought they were doing good work then they should be kept away from most future features. If they knew they were making trash then . . . they should be kept away from most future features.

2/10

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Netflix And Chill: Van Helsing (2004)

Sometimes I have to wonder about myself. My thoughts on Van Helsing are a prime example of just why I have to do that. I remembered quite enjoying this movie. I own the 2-disc special edition released years ago. I have even defended it, considering how much I enjoyed the general plot points used to bring together the main Universal horror icons. But I just rewatched it. Everyone else was right when they kept telling me how awful this film is.

Hugh Jackman plays the titular character, an action hero with the might of the church behind him (although they equally frown upon his methods, and deny his position as their main soldier). He ends up sent to Transylvania, accompanied by the much more timid Carl (David Wenham), as a certain Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) seems intent on finding a way to create a whole brood of baby bloodsuckers. Dracula needs a monster, of course (Frankenstein's creation being played here by Shuler Hensley), but he also tries to experiment with a werewolf or two. Meanwhile, Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale) does her best to keep thwarting a supernatural enemy who seems to have a keen interest in her family.

There are things to enjoy here, and I'll mention some of them soon, but it's worth noting that this is a film so awful that it pretty much derailed the directorial career of Stephen Sommers, a white American man. Do you know how hard you have to fail to have your movie career derailed when you're a white American man? You get about three attempts for everyone lone chance a woman would get. Okay, Sommers did direct a couple of other features after this, and seems to have something in development at the moment, but he's far from the celebrated figure he was when helming two fun Mummy movies.

Those in front of the camera have generally fared better, perhaps helped by the fact that people seem to have (rightly) wiped this film from their memories. Jackman has been busy in many better movies, although he doesn't do a terrible job here as an action hero version of the famous character. Beckinsale has kept fans happy in a number of other vampire movies, of course, as well as a number of lesser-known, but fun, films. Roxburgh seemed to realise how bad he was at picking blockbuster projects (just look at his choices between 2000-2004), Wenham continued to move between bigger and smaller projects with ease, and Hensley isn't someone I can say I've noticed in anything else. 

It's almost impossible to describe Van Helsing as anything other than an ugly movie, and that's a descriptor it works hard to earn. The sets and production design are quite gorgeous, as are many of the costumes and the many props, but shame on Sommers for putting faith in computer effects that weren't yet ready to deliver anything close to what he must have so happily envisioned in his mind. The werewolf moments are the worst, but it's also not good when the brides of Dracula morph from the real actresses (one being the wonderful Elena Anaya) to clumsy CGI. Then we have action sequences that are overdone and ridiculous in a way that makes everything unforgivably boring. It's hard to enjoy any spectacle when it all feels as if it has been created in a computer-enabled vacuum.

I like the Alan Silvestri score, that is the other main plus, and I do like the core idea at the heart of the plot, but it's hard to think of anything else I can be positive about. Kevin J. O'Connor is a fun Igor, and there's still something entertaining about the opening sequences (one presented in line with the Universal classics from the 1930s, the other featuring a bizarre interpretation of Mr. Hyde, voiced by Robbie Coltrane), but I would have to encourage people to stay away from this one. It's a lot of loud noises and overfilled scenes that ultimately lead to nothing really worth your time. But everyone else knew that for the past two decades. 

4/10

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Prime Time: Jolt (2021)

I saw the trailer for Jolt and I was immediately interested. But I was also wary. It looked like another riff on John Wick, but this time starting Kate Beckinsale in the main role. That seemed good enough to me. It turned out that it wasn’t.

With a voiceover explaining things to us, we meet a young girl named Lindy. Lindy has a condition that means she absolutely loses control of her temper when she sees anyone doing wrong. Young Lindy grows up to be Kate Beckinsale, a woman still trying to figure out how to live with her condition. The latest solution is a vest that delivers electric shocks to her system when she presses a button. It makes life harder. It certainly makes it a lot tougher to date people, and she may not make it through her first date with Justin (Jai Courtney). Justin is special though, so they end up managing more than one date. Then tragedy strikes, which means Lindy needs to embrace her rage and exact some revenge. A couple of cops (played by Bobby Cannavale and Laverne Cox) want to stop her from creating a large bodycount, and her therapist (Dr. Munchkin, played by Stanley Tucci) doesn’t want any small amount of progress completely undone.

Jolt has a decent helping of humour alongside every moment of violence. The main character has been let down by people at every turn, which adds to the inability to cure her condition, and that leads to moments that have her happily ignoring her therapy while she punches and kicks people who thoroughly deserve it.

Directed competently enough by Tanya Wexler, I guess, the problems with Jolt lie mainly with the script, from first-timer Scott Wascha. Wascha keeps the tone consistent throughout, ensuring that there’s always a sense of fun throughout, but a) the main concept is flawed, and b) the pacing is just a bit off, even if it clocks in at roundabout the ninety minute mark, which is a pleasant surprise nowadays. Having Lindy control herself with the use of the electric vest, except in the moments when she doesn’t want to stay calm, isn’t the way to set the ball rolling. What should have happened was something that would forcibly propel the character violently throughout a plot that could then have Beckinsale battling baddies while trying harder not to hurt innocent bystanders. Imagine if, for example, Lindsay had an early fight with someone that led to her being thrown against a fuseboard, electrocuted, and having the vest then malfunctioning while fused to her muscles/skin. Way more fun could be had there, and that is the first idea I came up with while watching the film play out.

Beckinsale is a solid lead, and she can do the physical stuff well, and the other big plus here is Tucci. Cannavale and Cox both do fine, although the former feels like he’s been used as a strong supporting player so often recently that his roles all seem to blend into one another (even if he is sometimes a villain and sometimes a nice guy). David Bradley is good fun in his few onscreen moments, and Courtney benefits from the fact that he’s not in the movie all that long. He’s not my favourite actor, by far, but does okay here.

Best when it is allowing the main character to revel in delivering painful justice to people who deserve it, Jolt is an easy way to kill an hour and a half. The fights are okay, the thin storyline moves well enough from one set-piece to the next, and the third act is as predictable as any slick action thriller you have ever seen. I’d watch a sequel to this, but I would also hope that lessons are learned and the sequel makes significant improvements on the foundations laid down here.

6/10

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Mubi Monday: Love And Friendship (2016)

Based on a novella by Jane Austen, Love & Friendship is a sharp and witty period film that provides a great lead role for Kate Beckinsale, being so enjoyable here that it's enough to make you wish she didn't spend so much of her film career as a leather-clad vampire caught in a war between vampires and lycan (and I never thought I would type that sentence).

Beckinsale is Lady Susan Vernon, a widow who is set to arrive at the home of some in-laws. She has a reputation as a renowned flirt, although some say that she is simply someone who creates fine and enjoyable company for those around her. Her main concerns are finding a suitable match for her daughter (Frederica, played by Morfydd Clark) and ensuring her own position in society remains as safe and secure as can be, which is no easy task.

Director Whit Stillman, who also adapted the source material into screenplay form, keeps everything as expected for a period film, with the language and look of the thing as prim and proper as can be, but is able to also make it feel quite fresh and modern thanks to the attitude of the woman at the heart of the main events. Lady Susan is quite the go-getter, and in a manner more overt than most characters we see in this kind of thing.

Beckinsale has a lot of fun in the main role, almost every scene that has her interacting with others has her performing in a way that manipulates them to assist her in whatever her aim is, be it short or long-term. Clark does fine as her daughter, although it's a role that maybe could have been kept offscreen for most of the movie, such is the long shadow of her mother and the seeming lack of personal motivation in the character. As for the main men onscreen, Xavier Samuel is typically handsome and courteous in the role of Reginald DeCourcy, a potential suitor, and Tom Bennett is very amusing as the well-meaning, but quite dim, Sir James Martin. There's also solid work from Chloë Sevigny, as a friend married to a man (Stephen Fry) who disapproves of the friendship, Emma Greenwell, Justin Edwards, and a number of other familiar faces.

Strangely enough, however, when you look beyond the more modern sensibilities that are surprisingly prevalent throughout the film, it's hard not to consider that this is something that still feels far too close to the other, better-known, classic works from this period. Whether it is the mother trying to ensure a good life for her daughter, with sacrifices made and compromises considered, the filtering of rumours and damaging observations through various social circles, or even just the interception of a letter that may cause damage to the parties involved, this is all very familiar fare in some enjoyably vibrant packaging.

It's still worth your time though, and the ending is a particularly amusing "punchline" after all that has been shown beforehand.

7/10

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Sci-Fi September: Total Recall (2012)

A lot of people love Total Recall, the 1990 movie directed by Paul Verhoeven that provided Arnold Schwarzenegger with another hit at the box office. I am one of those people. Which makes me one of the many people who groaned when they heard news of a remake. To be directed by Len Wiseman. Now, I actually quite like Wiseman's work. He makes glossy entertainment, and I think now that people have seen the godawful A Good Day To Die Hard we can all agree that the fourth movie doesn't actually seem THAT bad. Okay, I might still be on my own there, but the point I am making is that I was willing to give this one a go.

Colin Farrell stars as Douglas Quaid, a factory worker who starts to have strange dreams involving fighting, escape attempts, and a beautiful woman (Jessica Biel). He doesn't seem satisfied with his life, which is a bit strange considering that he's married to Kate bloody Beckinsale. It must be to do with the fact that he lives in The Colony, while all of the better opportunities go to the people from the United Federation of Britain. These are the only two living spaces left on Earth, after a period of chemical warfare, and The Colony is packed with citizens viewed as the lower/working class. Quaid decides to visit Rekall, a company that can insert memories into your brain, and opts for a memory that will give him an exciting adventure as a secret agent. Unfortunately, things don't go according to plan. It turns out that Quaid may already have some false memories creating a conflict within him.

Total Recall starts off quite well. The world displayed onscreen is nicely realised and textured, Farrell, Beckinsale and Biel are all good enough for their main roles, and there are fleeting glimpses of some great actors who you just know will appear later on in the film (Bryan Cranston, and Bill Nighy). The action is solid, there's an interesting layer to the movie that focuses on class and societal manipulation, and I started to consider that this was starting to prove itself as a decent remake. A retread of material - both movies are based on "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" by Philip K. Dick - that was able to offer up more than just a reprise of what we already enjoyed years ago.

But then it starts to lose steam. Not a major problem, at first, but after the first hour has gone by and the movie settles into a dull cycle of action-chase-paranoia-repeat then it becomes tiresome. In fact, by the time both Nighy and Cranston eventually appear it's too late. Neither man gets to make a decent impression because viewers are too busy concentrating on trying to stay awake. This kind of material shouldn't be so unexciting.

A lot of people had a hand in the writing of the movie, with Kurt Wimmer and Mark Bomback credited as the main writers, but that's not reflected in the final product. The exposition is fine, and needs to be with such ideas about identity and paranoia, but everything else is found lacking, from the lines uttered in the thick of any action to the ineffective characterisations. This is a film populated by decent actors as opposed to any good characters.

Wiseman does his usual solid job in the director's chair, revelling in the effects and showing off when he gets the chance. There's a one-shot fight sequence that manages to impress, although it doesn't make up for the lack of energy elsewhere. If only he could have maintained the quality of that first 40 minutes, this could have been a very pleasant surprise. Alas, it wasn't to be.

Beckinsale steals the show, her husband (Wiseman) knows how to utilise her well in movies, and the movie moves up a notch whenever she's onscreen. Farrell is solid in his role, putting himself across as a capable everyman with an undercurrent of Jason Bourne. Jessica Biel is, unfortunately, the worst person in the movie. It's not her fault, and I love seeing Biel in anything, but her character is horribly underdeveloped and neglected. It's almost as if she was added as an afterthought. She may be a worthy companion during the fights, but any other interactions she has with Farrell could be consigned to the rubbish bin with very little impact on the movie. Bokeem Woodbine does alright with his small role, John Cho sports a fun, blonde hairdo, and I've already mentioned the main problems for Nighy and Cranston, although the former also struggles with an American accent.

There are worse movies you could pick when you fancy a bit of sci-fi action. There are also many better ones, including the original film that this is based on.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Total-Recall-Blu-ray-Colin-Farrell/dp/B0092QITO2/ref=sr_1_3?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1409479079&sr=1-3&keywords=total+recall

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

First of all, my overview of the preceding Underworld movies can be found here.

At the start of Underworld: Awakening the audience is told by Selene (Kate Beckinsale) about "the purge". Yes, humans finally discovered that there really were vampires and werewolves (aka lycans) and set about eradicating them. After telling the audience this information, Selene is then taken out of action and frozen. She ends up in a lab for many years. But the movie is called Underworld: Awakening so you may be able to guess that Selene doesn't stay frozen in the lab for the entire movie and when she gets out there are a few revelations.

If you enjoyed the first two Underworld movies then I can't think of any reason why you would dislike this one. It's more of the same and it's all done very well. Mans Marlind and Bjorn Stein share the directing duties and Len Wiseman (director of those first two movies) is one of the four people who helped to create the screenplay, which brings in a few new ideas and easily mixes them in with the familiar elements and style that fans of the movies have come to expect.

Beckinsale is the star of the show, once again all black leather and cat-like agility (is it getting hot in here or is it just me?) but there's a good supporting cast of players with the likes of Michael Ealy, Theo James, Kris Holden-Ried and Sandrine Holt doing a decent job. India Eisley is a very good young actress getting to play a very fun character and I was surprised to see Wes Bentley put in an uncredited cameo appearance. The most fun, however, comes from watching Stephen Rea and Charles Dance playing their parts. The two great actors appear to have a lot of fun while they play two very different characters.

The special effects are almost as good as they were in the second movie (which remains my favourite of the series so far) though there are definitely times when the CGI isn't quite up to the task, such as an otherwise enjoyable chase sequence involving Beckinsale, Eisley and Theo James trying to drive away from relentless lycans.

Overall, however, this is a bloody good time. The action feels as if it is non-stop, the visuals are cool, there is a nice helping of gore and bloodshed and the development of the characters this time around takes one or two interesting turns. Okay, it also feels very lightweight (thanks to the streamlined storyline and the runtime clocking in at about 85 minutes, despite the IMDb listing putting it at 88 mins, including the opening recap for newcomers) but it's blockbuster fun and that's all it wants to be. Mission accomplished.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Underworld-Awakening-Blu-ray-3D/dp/B0064YOWCI/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1351073682&sr=8-2

Haunted (1995)

James Herbert is a fantastic horror writer and, arguably, the best writer within the genre to come out of the UK in the past 50 years. Okay, there's very stiff competition from writers as varied in style and content as Clive Barker, Graham Masterton, Shaun Hutson, Kim Newman and Ramsey Campbell but, to me, Herbert is at the very top of the tree. And deservedly so. Yet very few of his works have been made into films and even fewer have been made into great films (at the last count, by my estimation, that figure would be . . . . . . . . . . zero). I stumbled upon the works of Herbert like so many others of my generation. Basically, I saw copies of The Rats at almost every jumble sale and eventually picked it up, along with a copy of The Fog. Puff your chest up if you like but I'm pretty certain that many people born in the mid- to late 70s, as I was, thought that The Fog by James Herbert and The Fog by John Carpenter were one and the same until they eventually got around to reading the book. In fact, there may even be some people reading this now who never realised that the two stories were very different. Which brings me, in a ridiculously roundabout way, to Haunted, a movie based on the novel by James Herbert. I read the novel many years ago and really enjoyed it. It was a great read, not Herbert's best but very enjoyable nonetheless. I never managed to see the movie until now. Perhaps if I'd seen it back when it was first released I may have found it a bit more enjoyable but I strongly doubt it. Because the film is pretty rubbish.

The story is a pretty cliched one, but cliched doesn't always mean something bad. Aidan Quinn plays someone who doesn't believe in the paranormal and he's asked along to a large country house to help prove to an elderly woman (Anna Massey) that the ghost she thinks is haunting her house isn't a ghost at all. When he arrives at his destination, he meets a beautiful young woman (Kate Beckinsale) and then is soon introduced to her two brothers (Anthony Andrews and Alex Lowe). The siblings seem to take very little seriously and there are moments when they seem to be a little bit too affectionate to one another. But whatever is going on with this slightly strange family, there's a ghost to be disproved and that should remain the top priority.

Directed by Lewis Gilbert, who also co-wrote the script with Timothy Prager and Bob Kellett, Haunted has very little to praise. The acting is okay, with the lovely Kate Beckinsale being a highlight and a wonderful, though small, appearance by John Gielgud but the script is clumsy and awkward (in terms of exchanges of dialogue and the way details are revealed), the pacing is off and everything feels very . . . . . . stagey, despite some outdoor scenes. As much as I disliked, though certainly didn't hate, The Awakening, I now recommend that movie instead of this one to fans of Haunted, the novel.

Despite my disappointment in the movie, it's a hard one to rant about. The setting and some of the cinematography is lovely and it doesn't seem to deliberately try to insult the intelligence of viewers. Oh, except when it comes to using body doubles for nude scenes. Yeah, you know how body doubles work. You have stars that don't want to do nudity and so "inserts" are shot that give audiences a bit of naked flesh while the stars actually didn't disrobe, providing a nice (though I've always thought unnecessary) illusion. That's how using body doubles is supposed to work, at any rate. Not in this movie though, oh no. This is the film in which you get to see the faces of the doubles too. In fact, in one scene "involving Aidan Quinn and Kate Beckinsale" I actually saw that Aidan Quinn was no longer Aidan Quinn and I wondered if some different footage had been slipped in to the film as either some kind of joke I wasn't getting or some psychological horror that was never again mentioned. The simple fact is that it was all down to bad shot choice.

I'm sure that Haunted will appeal to some people but I can't think of any horror fans that it will appeal to. As a big James Herbert fan, I just grow more and more disappointed every time I see his work mistreated and not given a chance to connect with moviegoers. Maybe one day that will change. I've never stopped hoping that one day someone would, at the very least, see sense and adapt the superb Creed.

4/10

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