Prime Time: Death Ship (1980)

I am sure I am repeating myself here, but if you were there when VHS changed the world of home entertainment then you will always have a number of films that you think you saw without actually seeing them. Because the trailer seemed to be on every bloody horror movie that was rented in the early 1980s. The main ones I recall were The Dunwich Horror, Superstition, Necromancy (a trailer boosted by the extra baritone provided by the mighty Orson Welles whenever he was shown), and Death Ship. It took me far too long to check out these movies, having assumed I'd already seen them, but I'd advise anyone seeking them out to try and consider them within the context of those well-remembered days of top-loading VCRs, tracking dials being adjusted, and people who had a collection of home recordings housed in covers that were designed to look like leather-bound books.

I'm saying that now because Death Ship isn't that good, but it also has enough moments throughout that remind me of the trailer to keep me happy. The basic plot revolves around a cruise ship being rammed by a big, scary freighter. A few people stuck in a lifeboat are relieved when they encounter a big boat that they can climb aboard, unaware that it is the very same freighter that put them into the sea. Once aboard, it's soon obvious that strange things are afoot. All of the WWII Nazi regalia is a bit unnerving, as well as the fact that there seems to be no crew. That could all change soon though, especially as unhinged Captain Ashland (George Kennedy) starts to feel more and more connected to the ship.

Directed by Alvin Rakoff, who has a hell of a lot of TV and film credits to his name (but this remains arguably his best-known work), Death Ship is a competent and atmospheric horror that I'd love to see get the remake treatment today. The actual ship is the star of the show, and there are lots of shots here that simply show various parts of the structure, be it corridors or chains and fittings, with a menacing score letting you know that every inch of it could be dangerous. The screenplay by John Robins may not work as well as it could, but it takes some time in the opening section to introduce the characters that will be dragged through the madness of the rest of the movie. It's just a shame that nobody was more creative and daring when it came to the death scenes here. Some memorable gore could have made this one an absolute corker.

Kennedy is a lot of fun in his role, throwing subtlety to the wind as his character develops from a tetchy and paranoid Captain to a . . . tetchy and paranoid Captain who would like to kill people. Richard Crenna is the new Captain, Trevor Marshall, who puts Kennedy's character out of sorts from the very beginning, and he tries his best to play the hero role, although the film continually moves back to focus on the ship itself, and Kennedy's kinship with it. Victoria Burgoyne has a memorable shower scene (no, not for the reason you may be thinking), Saul Rubinek is the light entertainment man on the cruise ship who proves less entertaining on the "death ship", and Sally Ann Howes, Jennifer McKinney, and Danny Higham make up the wife and children, respectively, of Crenna's character. Howes is fine, the children are just a bit too annoying.

There's enough here to make Death Ship an enjoyable horror movie, and the details littered throughout are interesting and unsettling, but it's a shame that it couldn't have made the most of the concept. Add some disposable teens to bulk out the cast of characters, and some more fantastical deaths, and it would be an easy one to recommend. As things are, one to watch if you have the fondness for the trailer that I did.

6/10

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Today You Die (2005)

If you hate this movie then you'd better go and take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Because you, sir or madam, may have to admit that you're a racist. Maybe the ethnicity of the film displeases you. Maybe you're just put off because Steven Seagal is a successful black man in the action movie market. Of course, Seagal is not a black man (nor all that successful nowadays, is he?) but nobody remembered to tell him that when he decided to show his versatility in this dire action movie. It's a shame that a number of things couldn't have been changed and improved upon during the making of the film because the action scenes, when they occur, aren't actually all that bad and the plot of Seagal seeking out those who wronged him and putting things right almost reminds you of those enjoyably gritty early movies that all now seem like classics compared to his 21st century output.

The plot sees Seagal as a kindly thief who robs from criminals to distribute the wealth to the needy. He's kinda like Robin Hood. With a ponytail. And two extra chins. But this is all quite worrying for his good lady (Mari Morrow), who keeps having strange dreams and "psychic visions" that actually don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. So Seagal goes straight but, lo and behold, on a standard driving job he is forced to outrun the cops and struggle to survive when it turns out that he's mixed up in a lucrative robbery. Our man is apprehended and jailed, but not before he has managed to somehow hide $20 million. Never mind, in the space of a few scenes we get Seagal teaming up with Treach (who plays a crook named Ice Kool) and managing to escape in a surprisingly easily engineered scheme. Then it's time to kick ass in a number of unconnected moments, allow the movie to pretend that it has a depth and complexity in place of the laughs and confusion and head to a finale that may just let our hero get his justice, save the children of the world and prove to everyone, once again, that he is the slap-happy version of Jesus himself.

I won't pretend that most of this movie was something I could easily enjoy while it was on but as soon as the credits rolled and I began to think back through what I had just seen I couldn't help laughing and thinking of all the lazy mistakes throughout (usually with stunt doubles but the massive plot holes were also good for a giggle). This may be the fault of the script, by Kevin Moore, but it's probably not helped by the direction of Don E. FauntLeRoy, a man responsible for having the most annoying mix of upper- and lower-casing in his surname and also the third and fourth risible movies in the Anaconda franchise.

Seagal - he doesn't really know any better because he just keeps going as he always has. Treach is almost tolerable. Almost. Mia Morrow would have been fine if her character hadn't been so redundant and given such awful material to work with. Sarah Buxton is pretty bad, Nick Mancuso is terrible and only those with less screentime give better performances (Robert Miano and Kevin Tighe, in particular). Fans may be interested to know that Chloe Grace Moretz has a very small role but nothing that marks out her future potential.

Some decent action moments and a sprinkling of grit make you think this could end up similiar to the earlier movies in the Seagal filmography but, alas, it's not to be and we just get yet another stinker to add to the pile.

4/10.

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