Monster Island (2004)

Carmen Electra stars as . . . Carmen Electra in this goofy homage to big bug movies of yesteryear, and you could do a lot worse than checking this out if you want a decent time-waster that doesn’t make you think too hard.

Daniel Letterle is Josh, a young man who has won a competition that sees him and some of his schoolmates attending an Electra gig on a small island. Josh didn’t enter the competition though. His sister (Chelan Simmons) did. But Josh cannot refuse the prize, despite wanting time to move over his ex, Maddy (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). Everyone else is ready to party, which would be all well and good if it wasn’t for the fact that the island is home to a number of oversized creepy-crawlies.

Written and directed by Jack Perez, what you have here is an attempt to appeal to MTV fans with elements and tropes that will be very familiar to older viewers who grew up enjoying the exotic creations of Ray Harryhausen (namechecked as a character played by Adam West). It works for many scenes, the first half sets everything up nicely enough, there are some cute creations, and one shot showing what was clearly a toy boat in a miniature water setting definitely gave me a big grin, but the combination is also clumsy, and the third act fumbles things in a big way.

Letterle is a decent young male lead, Winstead is quite likeable in an early role, and Electra is very cute in a role that used her appeal well, and lets her try to subvert assumptions as she surprises the main character with how she is in “real life”. West is fun in his small role, C. Ernst Harth makes a good impression as Eightball (basically the main security officer for Electra), and even the likes of Joe MacLeod and Chris Harrison do well with roles that aren’t exactly fleshed out to any great degree.

What works outweighs what doesn’t work, but only just. Perez clearly has affection for the monster movies that he is paying homage to, and that comes across in every scene that has a bug looking as if it was made from a posable skeleton and modelling clay. He seems less interested in finding a way to satisfyingly resolve everything, and doesn’t manage it. Although, to be fair, the ending is in line with some of strange and/or abrupt endings of the Hammer and Harryhausen movies.

A good time, but not a great time. I am happy we got it though, even if it was from the MTV stable.

6/10

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I Want Candy (2007)

Well, here we are with a British sex comedy. Let's all take a moment to wipe our minds before we go on. There used to be the solid reputation, often viewed with rose-tinted glasses, of the Carry On films, of course. And things got naughtier with "Adventures Of..." and "Confessions Of..." movies. But, let's face it, British movies have done better over the past few decades when they focus on the romance over sex. On the one hand you have a number of films featuring Hugh Grant, and on the other hand you have, ummmm, films like Fat Slags and Sex Lives Of The Potato Men (neither of which I can envision appearing on blu-ray any time soon).

So where does I Want Candy fit in? It's the tale of two students who want to make their first film. Joe (Tom Riley) and John AKA Baggy (Tom Burke) have a vision, and they have a lot of faith in their own talent. What they don't have is anyone willing to back them. Until they make a deal with Doug Perry (Eddie Marsan). Unfortunately, Doug is in the porn business, and the deal is made on the understanding that Joe and John have the hottest adult entertainment star, Candy Fiveways (Carmen Electra), in their movie. It's then up to the young film-makers to come up with a plan that pleases everyone and allows them to get their film made.

Directed by Stephen Surjik (who has a hell of a lot of TV work in his filmography, with his biggest movie release being Wayne's World 2, back in 1993), I Want Candy isn't the kind of film that has any individual style stamped all over it. It's rude without being explicit, I may have already forgotten some details but I don't believe you ever see any actual nudity, the cast of main characters are ably supported by a decent enough ensemble, the soundtrack contains a cover version of the song with the same name as the movie, and the ending is completely unbelievable, but in line with the feelgood nature of the film.

A lot of people worked on the script, far too many than you would expect for something this lightweight. There was an "original idea" by Piers Thompson and Olivia Glazebrook, that was fleshed out into a script by Peter Hewitt, Phil Hughes, Jamie Minoprio, and Jonathan M. Stern, and then some further dialogue was added by Fred Wolf and Jimmy Carr, apparently (the latter has a fun cameo role that may have allowed him to improv some of his dialogue, or maybe he also helped with some other parts of the movie). And despite all of those people involved, it's never as funny as it could be. I suspect this is partly to do with keeping it a bit too tame, and also partly to do with not having the perfect cast in place.

Riley and Burke are good in their lead roles, they're just not great. Riley just doesn't have the charisma to sell his character as well as someone else might have done, and Burke is hampered by the script wanting to keep him very much in the "sensitive young artist" box. Marsan is a lot of fun in his role, the potential villain of the piece, and Electra just has to turn up and look incredibly desirable, which she does. Easily. Felicity Montagu and Philip Jackson are good value as Joe's mum and dad, Mackenzie Crook has fun in his role as a teacher trying to stay cool with the kids, and Michelle Ryan is the female friend who keeps being very helpful and loyal to a main character who cannot recognise something with the potential to blossom right under his nose (I am on about romance, that is NOT a porn term . . . I hope).

This isn't a terrible film. It's certainly not half as bad as those awful examples I mentioned in the opening paragraph. It's just not any great shakes. Relatively amusing enough while it's on, very easy to forget as soon as it's finished, and bottom of the pile when compared to other films in the same vein (the Risky Business type of film, arguably most successfully reworked as The Girl Next Door).

5/10

You can buy the movie here.
Americans can buy it here.

Christmas In Wonderland (2007)

A light-hearted family movie that squanders a half-decent cast, Christmas In Wonderland is enjoyable enough. It just could have been much better.

Patrick Swayze is a father to three children, and he's not looking forward to Christmas. The family have just relocated, only for his job to fall through. Trying to hide this fact from the kids, dad takes them all to the local mall (which is quite spectacular) and asks the eldest boy to look after his two younger siblings. The eldest obviously makes a break for it as soon as possible, which leaves the two younger children free to find a bag of counterfeit cash that they immediately begin spending, much to the chagrin of the two thieves (Chris Kattan and Preston Lacy) who lost it, and the cop (Tim Curry) trying to crack the case.

The script here is as weak as you'd expect it to be. Writers Wanda Birdsong Shope, James Orr (who also directed the movie) and Jim Cruickshank mix the usual seasonal magic with a plot that crosses Blank Cheque and Unaccompanied Minors, forgetting to include any fun factor that made both of those movies slightly more enjoyable. There are some amusing moments of randomness, including one actor (Matthew Walker) popping up in a variety of guises, but those don't make up for the many weaker moments.

With his director's hat on, Orr does what's needed of him, and nothing more. His best decisions seem to have been made while casting the film, and it's a shame that he gives no consideration to things like pacing, predictability, or even potential tension. Viewers won't ever feel that the children here are in any danger, which makes it harder to keep caring about individual moments leading up to the final reel.

Swayze is just fine in his role, although he spends a lot of time on the sidelines while the film focuses on the adventures of the kids. Cameron Bright is suitably stubborn and moody as the older son, Matthew Knight is personable enough as the middle sibling, and both Amy and Zoe Schlagel work together to portray the youngest of the three, a little girl who still believes in Santa and Christmas magic and happy endings being a rule rather than an exception. Preston Lacy may have been someone who made me laugh as part of the Jackass crew, but he's annoying here from the very first moment that he opens his mouth. Kattan does a bit better, despite having to share almost all of his scenes with Lacy. And Carmen Electra has fun as the third criminal, the one who expects to sit back and let the two men do all the work for her to reap the rewards. I wish I could say that I enjoyed the performance from Tim Curry, but he decides to try out an accent that just doesn't ever sound right, subsequently undercutting the amusement that his character could have provided.

Kids will, obviously, enjoy this a bit more, and it's not irredeemably bad. It's just not that good, especially when considering how much it has in common with those other movies I already mentioned: decent child actors, one or two big (well . . . . . big-ish) names, incompetent crooks, a montage moment, and even some love in the air for the older lad. The addition of some Christmas magic should have been enough to make this a superior family film. Sadly, it's not.

4/10

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Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (2005)

Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt return as Tom and Kate Baker, parents of twelve children (hence the title), in this sequel to the bland and harmless Cheaper By The Dozen. While the first movie was about the parents trying to fit in a career before realising that perhaps their children still needed them available at home for a few years yet, this sequel shows an attempt to keep the family together and enthusiastic for a holiday that might be their last one together. The older kids are about to set off further afield while the younger kids aren't going to want to join in with the family activites forever. However, when the Bakers get to their vacation spot, Tom finds that Jimmy Murtaugh (Eugene Levy) has bought most of the area and is living nearby. Jimmy is very competitive, and that brings out the worst in Tom.

Adam Shankman takes over from Shawn Levy for this lacklustre affair, reteaming with both Martin and Levy after having worked with them on Bringing Down The House (2003). If you have to choose between this movie and that movie, go with that movie. If you're forced to watch this movie then you won't suffer through anything truly terrible, but there are so many better ways to spend your time.

The script by Sam Harper is pretty horrible. There are one or two okay scenes, but I can't think of any individual lines of dialogue that made me so much as smirk. Think of the lessons that were learned in the first movie and the way in which the family was shown to be imperfect, but able to stick together when things got tough, and then rehash those ideas in an even less amusing way and you have Harper's script.

Martin and Hunt are both just fine as the parents, while Piper Perabo, Tom Welling and Hilary Duff are still bearable as the older members of the Baker brood. Jonathan Bennett is enjoyable enough as Perabo's partner, and Alyson Stoner gets the best moments as Sarah, the young mischief-maker who finally takes notice of a boy and starts to think about using makeup. As for the other main featured family, Eugene Levy is okay in his unsympathetic role, Carmen Electra is always a welcome addition to any movie I watch (hey, if I have to sit through films like this then allow me to enjoy any silver lining I can), Jaime King is  and a very young Taylor Lautner goes about being a very young Taylor Lautner.

If you enjoyed Cheaper By The Dozen then this is just about watchable. It's not good, but I've seen much worse. No, I don't know why they didn't call me for that poster quote either: "Not good, but I've seen much worse - Kevin Matthews"

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cheaper-By-The-Dozen-DVD/dp/B000E6UMEY/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1379438832&sr=8-2&keywords=cheaper+by+the+dozen+2

Scary Movie 4 (2006)

It may not be quite as good as the preceding instalment, but Scary Movie 4 is a surprisingly good comedy, thanks mainly to the material being enjoyably childish as opposed to the irritating crudeness of the first two movies in the series.

This time around the series pokes fun at the Saw franchise, War Of The Worlds, The Grudge and The Village, among other targets. Anna Faris and Regina Hall both return as Cindy and Brenda, respectively, and Simon Rex, Charlie Sheen, Anthony Anderson and Kevin Hart briefly reprise their roles from the third movie, but this isn't overly concerned with maintaining any perfect continuity. It's just another opportunity to take characters that audiences seem to like and drop them into some outrageous situations.

The main new addition to the cast is Craig Bierko, playing Tom, the everyman hero based on the character played by Tom Cruise in War Of The Worlds (and, in some latter scenes, simply based on Tom Cruise in real life). When an alien invasion upsets everyone's day, Tom tries to protect his son and daughter while also assuring Cindy that they will find each other after they have both done what they have to do. Cindy, you see, is also busy trying to figure out why she keeps seeing the ghost of a small, Japanese boy and what exactly he may be trying to tell her.

The best thing to happen to the Scary Movie series is David Zucker taking over the directorial duties (well, that was the best thing to happen until the dire Scary Movie V) and this shows, once again, just how much fun he can wring out of potentially groan-inducing stuff. The script, by Craig Mazin, Pat Proft and Jim Abrahams, isn't exactly the sharpest or smartest, but Zucker puts together a fun cast and does well with budget. This isn't a movie that looks cheap, although it's worth noting that it doesn't make the mistake of looking too polished either.

The cast is a huge plus point, as it was in Scary Movie 3, with those involved including, but not limited to, Bill Pullman, Leslie Nielsen (reprising his role as the inept POTUS), Molly Shannon, Carmen Electra, Phil McGraw AKA Dr. Phil, Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Madsen, Chris Elliott (almost, but not quite, as annoying as he was in Scary Movie 2) and Cloris Leachman. Plus those already mentioned above.

If you've seen, and enjoyed, the other movies then there's no reason for you not to be pleased by this one. It's just a shame that the next film, released seven years later, was such a massive drop in quality. Viewers should stop at this one. In fact, I implore you to do so. For your own mental wellbeing.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Scary-Movie-Collection-DVD/dp/B001ECPV6Q/ref=sr_1_11?ie=UTF8&qid=1377373211&sr=8-11&keywords=scary+movie

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

If you've seen a number of killer shark movies and often found yourself thinking "well, sure, they're scary and dangerous but they would be even scarier and MORE dangerous if they had two heads" then this is the film for you. It's another gem from the folks at The Asylum and it's pretty bad, I'm sad to say.

2-Headed Shark Attack is yet another movie that you can't possibly begin viewing without knowing what to expect. Would you be astonished if I told you that it concerned a group of young adults being attacked by a 2-headed shark? No, no you wouldn't. The biggest stars in the cast are Carmen Electra and Charlie (brother of Jerry) O'Connell while everyone else seems to have been chosen for their willingness to act alongside some of the worst special effects since "Button Moon". Brooke Hogan tries to acquit herself as the lead but she's ill-served by the material, as are all of the other actors.

Christopher Ray gets to sit in the big chair and direct stuff based on a screenplay by H. Perry Horton and it's hard to think of who to blame more for the final result. A movie that could have been a bit of dumb fun (as so may of the other creature features from the studio are) is bogged down by a mix of laughably poor practical effects, CGI that looks like it could have been created on a mobile phone and a script that, I kid you not, includes the following clarification about 3/4 of the way into the movie: "Two heads is twice as many teeth".

I know that movies of this kind aren't going to be the most stimulating movies around, I know that the budget is limited and that logic often has to take a back seat. Anyone who has knowledge of the many low-budget horror movies that I've enjoyed already knows that I know that. Yet there's no excuse for something quite this irritating. A bunch of characters that you really don't care for are terrorised by a bunch of pixels that don't provide one iota of tension. I was tempted to give this an even lower rating but it's saved by two things. 1 - it's never dull. 2 - unusually for a creature feature from the studio, there's some gratuitous nudity in the mix (not for long but it's at least a bonus for male viewers enduring the whole movie).


3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/2-Headed-Shark-Attack-Carmen-Electra/dp/B00623N54C/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1341604720&sr=8-1

Yes, this is a completely gratuitous opportunity to post a pic of Carmen Electra in a bikini but, trust me, this is a damn sight better than any images that I could have posted containing the laughable 2-headed shark.