The Family Plan (2023)

It is frustrating for me that my dislike of Mark Wahlberg appears to be in inverse proportion to how often I watch his features. Whatever you think of him, or of his acting skills, he often ends up in entertainment that appeals to those after some silly and fun distraction.

The Family Plan is interchangeable with a whole heap of other movies we have seen in recent years about family men forced to confront a past in which they were super-skilled and deadly. Wahlberg is that man, of course, and he has a whole family unit (his wife, Michelle Monaghan, two teens, Zoe Colletti and Van Crosby, and a baby) completely unaware of his dangerous history. Can Wahlberg keep his family in the dark as various people start trying to kill them while they head off on an unexpected road trip?

Writer David Coggeshall knows what he needs to do here, and he does it. This is a take action comedy, but it’s equally a star vehicle for Wahlberg. If you think that Wahlberg isn’t going to emerge victorious then you haven’t seen any other Wahlberg movies recently. While there aren’t any truly memorable exchanges, nor any surprises in the plotting, the screenplay sets everything up and moves along quickly enough to stop viewers from asking too many questions.

Director Simon Cellan Jones has, as of today, made his most recent three films with Wahlberg in the lead role, which would make him appear to have been favoured by the one-time head of the Funky Bunch. He shows an affinity for the decidedly average, ensuring that everything here will be forgotten mere days after you have watched it. And I speak from experience, having already watched the sequel (stay tuned, review pending) while constantly confusing this with Back In Action.

Wahlberg is as Wahlberg is. I am not sure anyone would consider themselves a big fan of the star nowadays, aside from maybe his immediate family, but he at least feels like a decent casting choice here. Monaghan is unsurprisingly left with a bit less to do, but she is still able to have fun in a few scenes that allow her to actively participate. Colletti and Crosby are both okay, Maggie Q plays a character unable to surprise viewers due to the fact that she is played by Maggie Q, and Ciaran Hinds is effectively heavy-handed and gruffly menacing as the villain with a very strong motivation for getting his best employee back.

I can’t deny that I had some fun with this, and a couple of the action beats were more fun than any of the attempts at comedy. I won’t ever rewatch it though, and it is just one more piece of Mark Wahlberg “streaming content” to put in the big pile that already includes the likes of Spenser Confidential, Arthur The King, and Play Dirty, to name just the first lot that sprung to mind.

6/10

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Live Free Or Die Hard (2007)

AKA Die Hard 4.0.

I always quite liked this fourth Die Hard movie. It remains a big step down from the classic first film, of course, but it also remains something that looks like an action movie masterpiece when compared to the dross that would follow it. 

Apparently based on an article by John Carlin, this was developed into a movie by David Marconi and Mark Bomback, the latter receiving the main screenplay credit. It was then up to Len Wiseman to sit in the big chair and call "action", but, knowing what we know now, he was probably often guided by the instincts of the franchise star, Bruce Willis.

Willis is John McClane, of course, and we first meet him while he's once again not having a great time. He's concerned about his daughter, Lucy (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), and hopes to ensure that no young man tries to get too fresh with her. Unfortunately, his unique parenting approach is interrupted by a request to pick up and escort a hacker (Matt Farrell, played by Justin Long) who might be able to provide authorities in Washington D.C. with some valuable information about a major cyber-attack. That attack is being carried out by people working under Thomas Gabriel (Timothy Olyphant), and Gabriel is about to join the long list of people who discover that McClane can be a giant pain in the ass.

While I appreciate that this may not feel as much like a Die Hard movie as some of the other instalments in the series, I would argue that it's an enjoyable and natural progression. McClane doesn't have anyone to match him as he did in the previous film, but this time around he's in full-on protective mode when he starts to remember that the boy he's dragging around from gunfight to gunfight isn't exactly used to the full-on McClane experience. There's also his daughter to be protected, and that can be difficult and frustrating when the enemy seems so invisible and pervasive while making use of the tech that has become part of everyday life. He just needs someone to shoot and/or punch in the face, and the Die Hard films always work best when the villains are charismatic and entertaining. Thank goodness the casting director bagged Olyphant for that role.

Despite what many would view as a growing disinterest and laziness, although we now know that some of his later performances were sadly affected by aphasia what was later diagnosed as frontotemporal dementia, Willis strikes just the right balance here. McClane is very used to this kind of thing by now, but doesn't act like an indestructible superhero. Oh, he ends up doing some ridiculous things, especially in the finale, but he does them all with a shrug and an acceptance of what should be an instant shuffling off the mortal coil. Long is very good alongside him, believably wary and distressed at almost every turn, and he's a fun personality to pair up with our stoic hero. Olyphant, as he so often does, exudes a wonderful mix of charm and swagger, and even looks as if he might get away with his wild criminal plan if he just avoids making things personal with McClane. Uh oh. Maggie Q is also quite a fun baddie, Cyril Raffaelli showcases some of his physical prowess again, and you get decent little turns from Sung Kang, Cliff Curtis, and a before-their-relationship-soured Kevin Smith (okay, his turn is more fun than decent, but it's amusing to watch him work opposite Willis onscreen).

People might dismiss this because it's not on a par with some of the movies that preceded it. I think that's a bit harsh. They might dismiss it because of Len Wiseman directing. I think that's also a bit harsh. Wiseman isn't someone I would rush to defend as an unsung talent, but he had a few years when he did a perfectly good job with big stars in slick action movies (well, he had a couple of Underworld movies, this, and then it all went a bit squiffy with the Total Recall remake). This is one of those movies made during that time, and he does a decent job of trying to hold on to the essence of McClane while trying to escalate each big action sequence, and it all heads to a satisfying finale that leaves the big vehicles and tech burning in the background while the heroes and villains get up close and personal while viewers wait to hear the expected "yippee-ki-yay" punchline.

7/10

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Prime Time: The Protege (2021)

It always happens. Great success leads to others looking to emulate that success. Which is why we have recently had so many movies lately trying to rework the reluctant/retired/betrayed assassin schtick that worked so well in the John Wick movies. Not that those movies started this particular sub-genre, but they certainly made it more of an action movie staple over the past few years. And The Protege is another one trying to recreate the success of that movie. Unlike many others, however, it fails.

Maggie Q plays Anna, a dangerous young woman who works with the equally dangerous Moody (Samuel L. Jackson). Together, they specialise in finding people who don’t want to be found. Those people often then end up dead. The latest target is perhaps their hardest yet, someone who has managed to practically disappear off the face of the planet. One of his main men is Rembrandt (Michael Keaton), a charming and cultured individual who you can suspect is a villain due to him being . . . Michael Keaton. Bullets and fists fly, and Anna grows more and more determined to complete the job she was assigned.

There’s a good pedigree behind the camera here. Martin Campbell, who successfully reinvigorated the Bond franchise twice, is the director. He delivered some great swashbuckling with the most recent blockbuster Zorro movies. He also directed The Foreigner, which was a very good action thriller. And I am one of the few people who didn’t hate Green Lantern.

Then we have the writer. Richard Wenk. Wenk has written a number of top-notch action movies throughout the last decade, but he is also the writer-director of Vamp. So Richard Wenk is a firm favourite of mine. This isn’t his best work though. It’s a silly script aiming to be lifted by the main stars, but one seriously lets everyone down.

The disappointment here comes from Maggie Q. She just isn’t good here in the lead role, never convincing in the action sequences and never even able to get her line delivery just right. This is movie dialogue, not dialogue attempting to be realistic, but Q fails to invest the words with any energy or charisma. Jackson is better, playing a character he has played a version of in numerous other films, and Michael Keaton continues to be the magnetic star that he has been for decades. Q has the starring role, yet the film would be pretty worthless without the presence of her main co-stars. 

There is enough here to save this from being an awful viewing experience. It’s technically fine, the pacing is good, and I may have already mentioned Keaton making it better with his presence. But there’s too much here also dragging things down. No other characters stand out, none of the fights hit that sweet spot where they feel both grounded and cinematically satisfying, and I defy anyone to actually care about how things turn out in the grand finale.

The end result is ultimately a bit below average, which feels much more disappointing when the ingredients were mixed in for what should have been an easy success.

4/10

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Fantasy Island (2020)

Do you think it would be fun if someone decided to make a movie version of The Love Boat, but then decided to take the basic premise and twist it into a slasher movie? I am guessing probably not, at least not if you are familiar with the show, and have a fondness for it. The same goes for Hotel, although that was much more of a soap opera. But the same might go for Fantasy Island, a film based on a brand name that will satisfy neither fans of the TV show nor younger viewers who won't know what they're letting themselves in for.

The plot starts off simply enough, after a prologue scene showing someone being terrorised. A bunch of people arrive at Fantasy Island, where they hope that their fantasies will come true. There's Gwen (Maggie Q), a woman who thinks that her fantasy will allow her to make up for a past mistake, Melanie (Lucy Hale), a woman who wants revenge on a school bully (Sloane, played by Porita Doubleday), Patrick (Austin Stowell), who wants to play soldier, and brothers Brax (Jimmy O. Yang) and J. D. (Ryan Hansen), who just want to party hard. Michael Peña is Mr. Roarke, the head of the island, and the one ensuring that people stay the course as their fantasies play out, even if they turn into something unexpected.

Re-uniting some of the people who gave us the much more enjoyable Truth Or Dare (director Jeff Wadlow, who also helped to write the screenplay with Jillian Jacobs and Christopher Roach again, and Hale in a central role), Fantasy Island is just about the most ridiculous and pointless mainstream thriller/horror I can think of in recent years. I guess there's a vein of black comedy running through it, which may help viewers who respond to it more, but it certainly wasn't enough to help me find everything more bearable.

The cast are an admirably diverse selection, I guess, but the one thing they have in common is a level of blandness that doesn't help lift the weak material. Maggie Q ends up becoming the foremost character, working things out ahead of others and trying to change the situation for the better, but that doesn't make her any more interesting. Hale is good though, and she's someone I tend to enjoy in the main roles I have seen her in, and Yang and Hansen work well together, bringing more of the fun moments in the first half of the film. Stowell is saddled with an annoying strand that shows him desperate to have a moment of heroism, and Peña speaks in platitudes while smiling enigmatically. Thankfully, Doubleday is another person I just tend to automatically enjoy onscreen, and there are supporting roles for the always-welcome Michael Rooker and Kim Coates.

It just goes to show you that you can pretty much do anything you like with a well-known brand name and nobody will question you if they think enough teens will go to see it. This makes all the wrong choices, from the lack of characters you want to root for to the downright stupid final act, but thinks all will be forgiven when it moves along slickly enough while occasionally winking at those who remember the TV show. All is not forgiven. And my fantasy has now changed from me being locked in a room with Scarlett Johansson and twelve jars of strawberry jam to simply never having to endure a sequel to this.

3/10

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