Prime Time: Wildcat (2025)

I have tended to enjoy Kate Beckinsale in many of her movie choices, no matter how dubious they have been. Wildcat feels like a low point though. It's a horrible slice of mockney nonsense so dire that it will make you wish you could go back in time and enjoy the many other Guy Ritchie imitators that you once thought were scraping the bottom of the lock, stock, and two smoking barrels.

Beckinsale plays Ada, a woman who has to come up with a plan to pay off debts accrued by her problematic brother, Edward (Rasmus Hardiker). No worries though, because Ada knows just what to do, and she'll pit a couple of criminal giants against one another. Those criminal giants are Mrs. Christina Vine and Frasier Mahoney, played by Alice Krige and Charles Dance, respectively. 

I almost gave up on writing that all-too-brief plot summary. The very thought of this film has me wanting to put my head through my laptop screen. It's THAT bad. Writer Dominic Burns takes every cliché in the tough geezer/audacious robbery playbook and mixes them all together without an ounce of wit or intelligence. He's obviously relying on his cast, but they seem unable to figure out exactly where they should pitch their performances.

Director James Nunn has some decent stuff in his filmography, and his next film, Hungry, is one that I am hoping will be a bit of fun. This has to be a strong contender for the worst thing that he's helmed, and I am saying that with the knowledge that he also directed The Marine 5: Battleground and The Marine 6: Close Quarters. I can see where this could have been turned into something moderately amusing and fun, but almost everything is ruined by the laziness and ineptitude of the writing and performances.

Beckinsale is a particular liability, considering that the film seems to have been crafted to be carried along by her name. She never feels like a believable character, and actually seems to be tired of the whole thing by the time the first scene plays out. I don't know why Krige and Dance agreed to be in this, and they're so far removed from doing what they're capable of that I wish they'd been able to refuse whatever pay they were offered for this. Lewis Tan tries to do well in his main supporting role, and is believably smitten with Beckinsale's character, but he's the only one who seems to be making any effort. Hardiker does nothing with a nothing role, and I'm going to do everyone else a favour by simply not mentioning them.

I worried when this ended, partly about the damage I had inflicted upon my own psyche and partly about the fact that people involved in the making of this may have thought they were working on something good. If they thought they were doing good work then they should be kept away from most future features. If they knew they were making trash then . . . they should be kept away from most future features.

2/10

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April Fools: Magicians (2007)

David Mitchell and Robert Webb try to make the transition from TV to film with this fairly amusing comedy vehicle. While it's not great, and certainly nowhere near their TV work, it's not that bad, and it's a hundred times better than many other British comedies that I could name.

Mitchell and Webb are, respectively, Harry Kane and Karl Allen, a pair of stage magicians. They're pretty damn good, and they've been working together for years. Unfortunately, Harry finds out that Karl has been sleeping with his wife just before they are due to go on stage and perform their grand finale, which involves Harry's wife being put in the guillotine (she's the assistant, you see). Even more unfortunately, the trick goes horribly wrong, leading to Harry becoming a widow and the magical pair going their separate ways. Years later, a competition tempts the two to reunite. That doesn't last long, thanks to the unresolved issues between them, and so the former partners end up competing against one another.

Written by Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain (who helped to thrash out the story details along with a number of other people), Magicians goes through everything that you might expect. The world of stage magic is one ripe with comic potential (just see The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, because more people should see that film anyway), which is why it's such a shame that Magicians just isn't as funny as it could be. But it's decent enough, and also surprisingly sweet in places.

Director Andrew O'Connor may not work any magic on the material (no pun intended), but he doesn't really do himself a disservice either, especially considering this is his directorial debut. His many producing credits, including Peep Show and a number of magic shows among many others, seem to have stood him in good stead for this step into movie-making.

Mitchell and Webb don't stretch themselves here. They are reprising personas that fans of their TV work will recognise, which is fine because fans of their TV work LIKE those personas. The two of them work well together, of course, and it's just a shame that the movie often keeps them apart. Thankfully, a spirited supporting turn from Jessica Stevenson, as a wannabe magician's assistant with more enthusiasm than skill, and some fun moments are had with the likes of Darren Boyd, Andrea Riseborough, Tim Plester and Peter Capaldi, among others.

It may not be the best way to spend 90 minutes, but it's not the worst. It's just a shame that Mitchell and Webb couldn't successfully transplant their particular style of awkward humour from TV to film.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Magicians-DVD-David-Mitchell/dp/B000R9TS3O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1391351745&sr=8-1&keywords=magicians

Cockneys Vs Zombies (2012)

I'm sure that there are many people who heard the title of this movie and rolled their eyes in disbelief and/or disapproval. I, as some people might have guessed, grinned and rubbed my hands in anticipation. I knew exactly what to expect and I only hoped that the film could deliver. Well, it certainly comes close.

Cockneys Vs Zombies is a horror comedy that sees a zombie epidemic happening in London, as you could have probably inferred from the title. While the undead are rising and biting people who are then going on to bite other people and so on and so forth, a couple of young lads (Harry Treadaway and Rasmus Hardiker) are embarking on a foolhardy bank robbery to save the nursing home that provides a permanent residence for their dear old granddad (Alan Ford) and his friends (including Richard Briers, Honor Blackman and a few other familiar faces). The old folk are soon struggling to keep their nursing home zombie-free while, slowly but surely, the bank robbers grasp the horror of the situation and come up with a plan to rescue granddad.

Directed by Matthias Hoene, and written by James Moran and Lucas Roche, Cockneys Vs Zombies sets out to be bloody good fun from start to finish. It's full of energy, there are a number of fun lines and references to other movies and many of the characters are people that you don't mind spending some time with. Sadly, there are so many ways in which everything could have been tweaked just a little bit to make it even better.

One major tweak would have seen Michelle Ryan replaced. She plays a lock-picking cousin of the bank robbers and she goes along with them on the job, as well as Jack Doolan and Ashley Basy Thomas - the former being a bit dopey but with information that should help the robbery go smoothly while the latter is absolutely mental but has access to lots and lots of weaponry. Now, I don't hate Michelle Ryan and I think she's alright. I've nothing REALLY against the girl except for the fact that there are many better actresses out there and if she was picked just to bring some glamour to the film there are many prettier actresses out there. I have an idea that she was just picked for the role because she matched the required criteria AND had appeared in Eastenders and that just makes me a bit sad. If you think I'm wrong in picking her as a weak link in the movie then just watch for her delivery of a punchline that references a well-known Indiana Jones line and then see how you feel. The rest of the cast do very well. Harry Treadaway (who, along with his twin brother Luke, is trying to appear in every half-decent Britflick ever) and Rasmus Hardiker are a likeable duo while Tony Gardner and Georgia King play two very different hostages from the bank robbery now caught up in the middle of the zombie epidemic. Alan Ford is great, as is Richard Briers, and Honor Blackman does well with her limited screentime.

The other suggested tweaks involve a bit more time to polish every line in the script, more opportunities to create enjoyable moments such as the two standouts featuring Richard Briers (who is involved in one of the slowest zombie chase sequences that you will ever see and then later gets to show what he can do with an Uzi attached to his walking frame) and the removal of a subplot about a crooked developer shifting his money. Yes, that allows for the bank robbery to give the lads a bigger payoff but in the world of the movies it's easy enough to believe that all banks hold millions of pounds in their safes anyway so that felt like an added story strand with very little, or no, relevance.

There are quite a few good gore gags throughout and horror fans should enjoy most of the FX work but there are also some weaker gags that are given more attention than they deserve (I'm thinking of one scene, in particular, accompanied by the song "I Predict A Riot") so it's a shame that the movie couldn't have contained even more of the former while removing the latter.

Hmmm, I feel that I've spent most of this review criticising Cockneys Vs Zombies too harshly, which was never my intention. It's a good, fun, film. In fact, it's perfect post-pub entertainment and provides enough laughs to make repeat viewings likely. I'm going to buy it for myself and I encourage others to give it a go, despite the criticisms that I've just listed. You may just be surprised and find yourself having a good time.

6/10

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