Prime Time: Balls Up (2026)

If you want to know the level of care and thought that went into writing and directing Balls Up then you should know that it's set during a football world cup tournament in Brazil. In 2025. I'm no great follower of sports, and certainly no football expert, but even I know that the World Cup has taken place every four years since it began back in 1930 (with the exception of a couple of tournaments that were not played due to a little historical event known as WWII). 

Directed by Peter "How Far The Mighty Can Fall" Farrelly, and written by Paul Wernick and Rhett Reese (two men who have proven that they could be funny on past projects), this tall tale concerns Brad (Mark Wahlberg) and Elijah (Paul Walter Hauser), two men who are aiming to make their latest prophylactic (one that covers both testicles as well as the shaft of the penis) the only one to be features in the World Cup final. Things don't go to plan though, and Brad and Elijah soon end up stumbling from one mess to another, seemingly pursued by every Brazilian football fan.

I never thought I would say this, but I think Mark Wahlberg needs a Ted 3 to save him before he hits any new lows that he won't be able to come back from. It's almost as if he's become so enslaved by the streaming services, and their paychecks (of course), that he has forgotten how the movie business works when it comes to stars maintaining their value. I could be very wrong, but right now . . . if Wahlberg was a stock market commodity then people would be selling their shares before the inevitable spiral and crash. Hauser is also devaluing himself, but he at least has a fairly varied selection of features that offer him a chance to hold on to enough goodwill until another upswing saves him from potential obscurity. 

It's not just the leads who dive into this bog of eternal stench, however, and both Benjamin Bratt and Sacha Baron Cohen should have a stern word with their agents. At least Bratt isn't onscreen for much of the runtime. Cohen is a big presence in the middle third, sadly, and does nothing to stop it from being a fairly laugh-free zone. Molly Shannon made me smile a few times, there's an amusing voice cameo from Larry David, but Eric André, Chelsey Crisp, Jackson Tozer, Daniela Melchior, and Eva De Dominici are sorely mistreated by a screenplay that's stinkier than Pepe Le Pew in self-defence mode.

If you're after some simple laughs then the opening scenes may give you some hope. There's nothing smart or gut-busting there, but at least one or two moments are entertainingly silly without having to feel connected to a whole wide world outwith the workplace environment. I'd advise you not to let that sense of hope fool you though. Sometimes, yes, hope can set you free, but it can just as easily set you up for a plunge into mirth-free darkness and pain. And that is what you get here. 

I was going to rate this a 2/10 for the opening scenes, but I decided to generously bump it up by one because I admit that I chuckled when Wahlberg and Hauser were shown performing a karaoke version of "Somebody That I Used To Know". Others may not be so easily amused, although there's a chance that my reaction was akin to someone being given a sip of water after three days wandering through a desert. Consider yourself duly warned.

3/10

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Miss Congeniality (2000)

Once you get beyond the opening act of Miss Congeniality, with numerous scenes built around the fact that Sandra Bullock isn't viewed as a lady because she's strong, smart, doesn't take time to ensure her hair and make-up are flawless every morning, and is generally just "one of the guys", things improve considerably. Instead of just trying to hide Bullock in the wrinkled clothing of "FBI slob", she gets a chance to shine, in terms of her transformed appearance and also, more importantly, in scenes that show her talent for comedy.

The basic plot is nonsense, but nonsense that makes the whole thing easy enough to buy into. Bullock is Gracie Hart, the only agent available at short notice to help infiltrate the Miss United States beauty pageant, which the FBI believes has been targeted by a dangerous criminal who wishes to blow it up. Gracie only has a couple of days to be groomed by Victor Melling (Michael Caine), who initially suspects it's a job that even a man of his skills cannot manage, and she is a pain in the backside of all those involved, be it the hosts (played by Candice Bergen and William Shatner) or her colleagues at the bureau (Benjamin Bratt tries to offer support, Ernie Hudson is the boss none too impressed by the whole escapade).

Director Donald Petrie has a filmography with some solid comedies in there, but few real greats. This is another solid one, almost lifted higher by the performances from a couple of the main players. Although it's all put together competently enough, it suffers from a script that fails to wring as many laughs from each sequence as it could. Marc Lawrence has written a few features that Bullock has starred in, whether by coincidence or by design, but co-writers Katie Ford and Caryn Lucas are names I am less familiar with, and that makes me wonder if there were a number of conflicting voices here that tried to pull the film in too many different directions, tonally, without keeping the comedy at the front and centre of their plans. You have the thriller plotline, often sidelined aside from one or two key sequences, you have the "fish out of water" aspect of Bullock being somewhere she really doesn't want to be, and you get the moments of female bonding. None of these elements spoil the experience, but the shifts in tone are enough to make it feel inconsistent and lacking in cohesion.

The consistency comes from the main performances. Bullock is a lot of fun, making the most of this star vehicle, and Caine works very well alongside her, helped by the fact that he grabs most of the best lines from the script. Bergen and Shatner are both good, with the latter a perfect fit for the role of slick show host, and Heather Burns is very sweet as "Miss Rhode Island", a girl who brings out the protective nature of Bullock's character. Other contestants are played by Melissa De Sousa, Deirdre Quinn, and Wendy Raquel Robinson, although they often have to resign themselves to being scene-setting accessories in most of their scenes. Hudson gets to be angry in a couple of scenes, and that's his whole character (basically), and Bratt gets the thankless role of potential romantic interest, which makes a nice change from a talented actress being stuck in such a role.

There's a good selection of familiar hits in the soundtrack, some amusing lines of dialogue outwith the exchanges between Bullock and Caine (my favourite being the answer to a question about a favourite date), and it just about manages not to outstay its welcome. If you're a massive fan of Bullock then you may want to add an extra point. Everyone else can have more laughs with Drop Dead Gorgeous (a much funnier film with a similar setting, albeit very different thanks to the mock-doc style) first, and then get to this one whenever the opportunity arises.

6/10

You can buy the movie, with the sequel, here.
Americans can buy it here.

Snitch (2013)

It's tough being a teenager, making mistakes that you don't always get away with. Sometimes, dumb stuff can get you in a LOT of trouble. Which is what happens to Jason Collins (Rafi Gavron), a young man who is set up by a friend. He receives a box full of drugs and is immediately apprehended by the DEA. He's going to jail for a very long time, unless he can provide information that can lead to more arrests. Unfortunately, Jason doesn't know of anyone else he can snitch on, which leaves him with the prospect of rotting in jail for many years. Jason's dad, however, is a man willing to do whatever it takes to help his son. And he happens to be Dwayne Johnson. He starts negotiating with someone (Susan Sarandon) who has the power to help quash his son's sentence, IF he gets the results they need.

Anyone after a standard action flick that makes the best use of Dwayne Johnson is going to end up disappointed here. This is more of a drama, with one or two fleeting moments of action used to help sell the film to a wider audience. More interestingly, it's all a bit of an indictment of America's continuing war on drugs. The increasingly drastic measures put in place to clamp down on what is viewed as the main menace to society ends up, arguably, causing more problems and creating more victims than the initial drugs themselves.

Johnson is, as always, solid in the lead role, playing down his toughness, but always looking ready for action. Let's face it, he can't NOT look ready for action, but he does a good job of portraying a "normal" man willing to risk his safety in an attempt to save his son from a terrible fate. Jon Bernthal does well enough as the man who helps him find his way into the world of drug dealers, a world populated by people such as Malik (Michael K. Williams) and 'El Topo' (Benjamin Bratt). Sarandon is very good as the woman who may be able to help out, if it benefits her politically, and Barry Pepper is on fine form (is he ever not?) as a DEA operative equally tempted by the prospect of a big bust, but also concerned about the safety of a man who may not realise quite how deep he is about to get himself.

The script, co-written by Justin Haythe and director Ric Roman Waugh, does enough to sketch out the characters and situations, but it falls down elsewhere. A lot of the dialogue is so dull, and repetitive, that it threatens to put viewers to sleep. Which isn't what anyone expects from any movie starring Dwayne Johnson.

Waugh directs competently enough, but the film lacks any real sense of energy or urgency, most notable during a finale that doesn't ever get the adrenaline pumping. It's almost as if everything that was set up with care during the preceding 60-70 minutes is just thrown aside in favour of a teeny tiny bit of action that will come as too little too late for anyone wanting such simple pleasure, and will prove dissatisfying to those who were enjoying the more straightforward drama that accounts for most of the movie.

It's not a complete waste of time, but Snitch isn't one I'd recommend to anyone. It's decidedly average.

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Snitch-Blu-ray-UltraViolet-Digital-Copy/dp/B00BUC4VS4/ref=sr_1_3?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1402246430&sr=1-3&keywords=snitch

Ani-MAY-tion Month: Despicable Me 2 (2013)

Supervillain Gru (Steve Carell) returns in this animated sequel that stays very much within the parameters of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". Oh, things are a bit different, but they're also just the same. And those little minions, so popular with the younger viewers, get plenty of fun moments en route to their own spin-off movie (due in 2015).

Gru has left his evil life behind, and is now a lot happier. He is a father to three adopted girls, and uses the lab and his staff to create a range of flavoured jellies (jams to us folk in the UK). His idyllic life is interrupted, however, when the Anti-Villain League ask him to help as they try to find a dangerous stolen substance. They have tracked its signal to a shopping mall, but need Gru to go in and find out just which one of their main suspects is the thief. Lucy (Kristen Wiig) is an agent able to offer assistance, and also quite an admirer of Gru.

With everyone returning to the main roles behind the scenes, this is clearly a project in capable hands. Directors Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud, as well as writers Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio, all know the characters well, and all know what worked from the first outing. Of course, for anyone who isn't as easily amused by those minions, that approach isn't without its shortcomings. But giving the little guys more screentime is clearly something that pleases the target demographic, and you can't blame the film-makers for wanting to keep that section of the audience happy.

Carell and Wiig are a lot of fun in the two main roles, Miranda Cosgrove provides amusement as Margo, the eldest of the girls who causes Gru some angst when she starts to take an interest in boys, and Steve Coogan and Ken Jeong also do well. But it's Benjamin Bratt who deserves a special mention. Taking over so late in the game, after original star Al Pacino had already spent so much time on the project that the animation was created to his dialogue, Bratt had to both create a fun character, Eduardo, and also match the speech movements already animated. That couldn't have been the easiest task, but you'd never guess from the final product. Bratt never seems like a replacement. He's fantastic in the role, and viewers should be glad that he was able to step in and "save the day", as it were.

If you liked Despicable Me then you'll like this sequel. Children will love it, and there's plenty for adults to enjoy. Be warned, however, that if you never warmed to those minions then you may want to give this a wide berth.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Despicable-Me-Blu-ray-UV-Copy/dp/B00E9SUTHI/ref=sr_1_5?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1398221084&sr=1-5&keywords=despicable+me

Shiny discs, cinema tickets, laptops and the other resources I use all cost money. So does my book, but it's really not that much money. And you might even enjoy it.

The UK version can be bought here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1395945647&sr=1-3&keywords=movie+guide

And American folks can buy it here - http://www.amazon.com/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395945752&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=TJs+ramshackle+mov

As much as I love the rest of the world, I can't keep up with all of the different links in different territories, but trust me when I say that it should be there on your local Amazon.

Ani-MAY-tion Month: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 (2013)

I really enjoyed Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. Really REALLY enjoyed it. So I don't know why I assumed the sequel was just some rushed cash-in, without any of the same people in the main voice roles. It's not. In fact, this is a sequel on a par with the first movie. It's consistently cute from start to finish, but manages to undercut that cuteness with sharp humour, amusing puns (okay, I found some of them hilarious), and bright, imaginative sequences throughout.

Leading directly on from the events of the first movie, the residents of Swallow Falls are invited to move elsewhere while their island and town are cleaned up. Inventor Flint Lockwood (Bill Hader) is given the chance of a lifetime, when he's offered a job at LIVE Corp, the company ruled over by his hero, Chester V (Will Forte). But Chester V has a secret agenda, and only wants Flint nearby to keep an eye on him. The machine that caused so much trouble in the first movie hasn't shut down. It is, in fact, now helping to create a variety of food-based lifeforms. Flint is asked to go back to the island to help fix the situation, and his friends won't let him go back alone.

Just like the first movie, every aspect of this film just feels right. That's not to say that it's a perfect film, oh no, but it IS a load of fun from start to finish, full of creativity and jokes that should make you laugh out loud (well, they made ME laugh out loud). Hader and Forte are both very good in their roles, but they're helped out by a supporting cast that includes Anna Faris, Andy Samberg, Benjamin Bratt, James Caan, Terry Crews (voicing the character originally voiced by Mr. T in the first film), and Kristen Schaal.

Directors Cody Cameron and Kris Pearn have a lot of fun working from the script by Erica Rivinoja, John Francis Daley and Jonathan M. Goldstein. They have so much fun, in fact, that it fills up almost every frame, guaranteeing that viewers of all ages will keep smiling throughout.

Anyone who hates some quality punning may be a bit put out, but I distrust anyone who hates some quality punning anyway. Everyone else is pretty much guaranteed a great time. If you liked the first movie as much as I did then you'll also like this. It's smart, it's silly, it's highly rewatchable. Get to it ASAP if you have good taste (taste, see, because of all the food content in the movie - see? See?).*

8/10

http://www.amazon.com/Cloudy-Chance-Meatballs-Disc-Combo/dp/B0090SI39I/ref=sr_1_4?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1399762396&sr=1-4&keywords=cloudy+with+a+chance+of+meatballs+2

*Yeah, sorry about that.