Prime Time: Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash (2008)

Although the second film in a series of slasher comedies, I somehow felt that I would be okay just diving straight into Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash without having any previous knowledge of the ongoing Bikini Bloodbath Cinematic Universe (or BBCU, if you like). I was quite right, although there are perhaps some more little nods and gags here that may prompt a smile or small chuckle from viewers of the previous film.

It would be downright rude of me to spend too much time trying to bulk out a plot description of this. There are some young women who sometimes wear bikinis, of course. There's a sequence that has them washing cars. Debbie Rochon has fun in an amusing supporting role. Oh, and there's a killer looking to spoil the fun for everyone. 

Written and directed by Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour, this cheap and clumsy horror comedy won't appeal to those who want slick production values and star names in their entertainment, but it somehow manages to be good fun for those who have seen their fair share of independent movies over the years. The comedy throughout may not be the most clever, or even the funniest, but the film-makers get points for trying to load up every scene with enough gags to ensure that one or two hit the mark. And one or two do hit the mark. The gore gags, on the other hand, are more of a miss, but there are a couple of attempts to deliver a decent amount of blood and guts.

The technical side of things may be a bit "rough 'n' ready", to put it kindly, and I think a lot of the crew here have more enthusiasm and multi-tasking ability than natural talent and finesse, but I've seen movies that have been a lot worse than this when it comes to the audio and viaul quality. That may be damning the film with faint praise, and I certainly wouldn't pick out any real highlights, but it was a pleasant surprise to see that everyone involved wanted to keep things visible while allowing you to actually hear the dialogue. Neither of those things are a given when it comes to independent movies, especially those with even one toe dipping in the waters of the horror genre.

You get the usual weaker elements in the cast, but you also get Rochon being as wonderful as she so often can be. Rachael Robbins is very good too, playing the lovely Jenny, and I take my hat off to Natalie Williams, playing Sharon, for her willingness to go along with the running joke of everyone sneeringly mocking her for being fat (not my word, that's the description used often in the script), despite the fact that she clearly isn't.

The women act a bit silly, and are quick to disrobe, while the guys are oversexed jerks, and everyone is just waiting around until the killer gets to them. That's the kind of film that this is. It could have better kills, and it could have had even more jokes shoehorned in, but I was pleasantly surprised by how fitfully amused I was while watching it. Will I watch it again? I doubt it, but I'll probably watch the other instalments in the BBCU. My rather generous rating reflects the good intentions, as opposed to the overall execution of the material, but it still makes this better than some of the much bigger titles I have watched this year.

5/10

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Killer Rack (2015)

Just the other day I was reminded of another film about killer boobs (of course there’s more than one), which meant I had to immediately track it down and give it a watch. So here we are, and Killer Rack is a title that will already have a lot of people rolling their eyes. To hell with them. I know how to have a good time, and Killer Rack is a good time. Sort of.

Jessica Zwolak plays Betty, a young woman who watches her life start to fall down around her because of one thing. Well . . . two things. Her slightly smaller bust size. Her douchebag of a boyfriend is turned off, her boss at work keeps overlooking her in favour of women with larger breasts, and she generally feels unattractive, unsexy, and powerless. So she heads along to Dr. Kate Thulu (Debbie Rochon) and has her breasts enlarged. It isn’t long until Betty is finding her workday easier, enjoying a bit of flirting, and becoming emboldened by the power of her new body shape. But something has an appetite, and it goes to work while Betty is sleeping.

Written by Paul McGinnis and directed by Gregory Lamberson, who have both taken on a number of different roles in their film careers, both behind and in front of the camera. this is very silly stuff indeed. It’s brisk, cheap, and asks the cast to perform their characters in the broadest way possible. And yet, whether intended or not, and I think the central premise indicates an intention, there’s a core of truth here that resonates throughout it, a prevailing attitude that gave us the “my eyes are up here” phrase, and a skewering of how juvenile and easily-fooled men are while they can always be distracted by breasts. And they can almost always be distracted by breasts.

Fair play to Zwolak, taking on a central role that requires her to appear to be deemed “not a properly attractive woman” for the first half of the runtime. She doesn’t stay too quiet and meek while being mistreated by almost everyone around her, but she certainly doesn’t start to assert herself more confidently until after her op. It’s a fun performance, especially when showing the contrast between the stages of her life. Rochon enjoys her cameo, assisted by a typical mad doctor’s assistant (played by Bob Bozek). Michael Thurber is the hugely inappropriate boss, often hilariously oblivious to anything other than breasts, and McGinnis gives himself the role of Tim, the one decent guy in the film. Lloyd Kaufman has a cameo, because of course he does, and Brooke Louise Bellas is given the official “Killer Rack” credit.

While not trying to be too clever or insightful, especially in scenes showing dopey detectives investigating mysterious murders, Killer Rack unexpectedly manages to be schlocky fun that also serves as a pointed commentary on how society wants to label and view women, and how women are treated when they match the labels given to them, and also when they don’t. The title tells you what you are going to get, but there’s a surprising bit of extra depth there, just like . . . actually, no, I am not going to end on a clumsy attempt at a jokey metaphor. That would make this review a bust.

6/10

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Santa Claws (1996)

Written and directed by John Russo, and I use both of those terms very loosely, Santa Claws is a cheap, and fairly shoddy, horror that delivers some terrible acting, some poor kills, and plenty of gratuitous nudity. So I can't say that I completely hated it.

The lovely Debbie Rochon plays Raven, an actress who has made her name in a variety of roles that made the most of her physical appeal. She's having some marriage troubles with Eric (John Mowod) and is spending a fair amount of time in the company of a dedicated fan, Wayne (Grant Cramer). Wayne offers to babysit Raven's children, but just intends to drug them and give himself an alibi for a number of killings. And it's all connected to an incident in his youth, when he caught his mother in bed with someone dressed as Santa Claus and shot them both dead.

That previous paragraph may have inadvertently made Santa Claws sound more substantial than it actually is. There's a plot, yes, but it's just an excuse for various moments in which women get nude and/or gyrate while someone films them. Which works just fine for me, especially when it is Rochon as the focus of any such scenes.

Russo is savvy enough to have made both this and Scream Queen's Naked Christmas at the same time, with the latter a "documentary" featuring a number of shared cast members. Although this is not a very satisfying approach (mind you, I am sure it got them double the income from one main expense), anything that keeps Russo away from further cashing in on Night Of The Living Dead, the screenplay that remains the highlight of his entire filmography.

If it wasn't clear enough already, Rochon is the highlight of the movie, in a role that doesn't seem entirely dissimilar to her real life. She actually seems to be having fun here, delivering dialogue that illustrates the good and the bad about making a career as a Scream Queen. Nobody else comes close to having her presence, although Kramer is more fun in the moments that have him acting even more insane. Sue Ellen White and Amanda Madison (billed here as Christine Cavalier) are the other memorable characters. And when I say memorable I mean "naked".

Look, it's obvious from the earliest moments that this is not good. It's also obvious that it is made for a very specific audience. I am a member of that very specific audience, a fan of Scream Queens who worked damn hard to earn that position (don't get me started on a rant about the people claiming this title nowadays without deserving it). I love the horror workout featuring Linnea Quigley. Despite me being receptive to material like this, THIS particular gem didn't work for me. At all. But it still gets points for having Rochon in the lead.

3/10

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Hanger (2009)

Before I get to the main review here is the link to the Plotdigger Films website, a place deserving of your time and attention and even some of your pocket money. And now to our main feature . . . . . . .
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Hanger is another balls to the wall bundle of nastiness from Ryan Nicholson and whatever you think about each of his movies, you have to admire the guy for a) making HIS movies the way that HE wants them to be and b) lovingly rolling around in the cesspit of sheer exploitation fare. The fact that he seems to keep doing this with a budget that probably wouldn't pay for a wrap party thrown by Brett Ratner is also worthy of note.

So what's the plot then? Well, a pregnant prostitute named Rose (Debbie Rochon) is mistreated by her pimp, Leroy (Ronald Patrick Thompson), and the situation climaxes with Leroy using the titular hanger to fix things. And so Hanger (Nathan Dashwood) is born, deeply scarred and due to have numerous . . . . . . issues. Thankfully, a kindly john (Dan Ellis) tries to look out for Hanger and waits patiently for eighteen years until the day when the two of them together can get their revenge on Leroy. There's also a perverted Asian named Russell (Wade Gibb), an even more perverted scumbag named Phil (Alastair Gamble) and another chance to see the gorgeous Candice Lewald in all her glory (a gorgeous woman who had to endure much worse in the brutal Gutterballs).

Once again, there are plenty of negatives here but the good still outweighs the bad if you can stomach it. Hanger is a NASTY movie. It's the first time in a long while that I almost threw up while watching something onscreen (and I've recently "enjoyed" Slaughtered Vomit Dolls so I hope Mr. Nicholson takes that in the complimentary way it is meant). The gore effects are, generally, pretty good but there's one sex scene that is so gross I defy you to watch it without thinking about how far you need to run to throw up.

Direction by Nicholson (who co-wrote the movie with Patrick Coble) is also pretty good. Yes, there are mistakes here and there and the whole thing doesn't hang together quite as well as it could, no pun intended (well . . . . . maybe a little bit), but Ryan Nicholson knows how to make his movies look as grimy and nasty as possible while also getting the camera in the best spot to show most of that nastiness in as unflinching a way as possible.

It's a shame that the script is a step down even from the crudity of Gutterballs and that the acting/characters are far worse. I do understand the overall idea of populating the movie with unsavoury types and having them do unsavoury things to each other but that's still no excuse for the strange overacting from Wade Gibb (doing, arguably, the biggest disservice to Asian people on film since Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany's) or the grumbling and ranting of Alastair Gamble that shows up either bad improvisation or very weak dialogue. Thankfully, Dan Ellis is a saving grace yet again and does well with his material, even the weaker stuff.

I highly recommend this slice of depravity to anyone who fancies something that can mix in cannibalism, murder, rape, sodomy, cruelty to fake animals, poor feminine hygiene used as a way to torture someone and very special teabags (just wait and see, you'll know it when it happens).

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hanger-Unrated--/dp/B006NZBTT2/ref=sr_1_2?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1337075014&sr=1-2

Terror Firmer (1999)

To judge Terror Firmer by any standard movie criteria is to do a disservice both to yourself and to the movie. Terror Firmer is just an absolutely bonkers, overly gory, hilarious celebration of all that is Troma from start to finish. When a movie has been running for mere seconds and shows someone having their leg ripped off then you know that things aren't going to be subtle and insightful. When, moments later, a woman has her unborn child ripped out of her stomach then you know that things just went way off the scale of anything that society would label as acceptable or tolerable. And, if you keep watching the whole movie, you realise that you're glad that Troma keep on keeping on with their particular brand of low budget lunacy.

The actual story revolves around a vicious killer who is causing a number of disruptions on the set of the latest Troma movie. Cast and crew members start to die and police want to find the culprit as soon as possible, obviously. Which all just means that viewers get to see one crazy death sequence after another, linked by numerous references to other Troma movies, plenty of gags (both lame and pretty good) and occasional moments in which characters discuss the merits of independent filmmaking and how spirited it is to keep breaking taboos and pushing boundaries.

To many people, this film will rank amongst the very worst that they could be forced to watch. For others, like myself, it will easily rank up there with the very best inspired insanity that Troma can provide. Lloyd Kaufman gets to sit in the director's chair and the script is based on the book that he co-wrote with James Gunn entitled "All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger". He also stars as the blind director of the film within the film. So, hopefully, you don't mind his particular style of overacting and mugging to the camera.

The rest of the cast more than makes up for any weaknesses in Kaufman's repertory. Will Keenan is especially great as a man quite obsessed with pickling, Trent Haaga is good fun (n.b. Haaga would go on to direct Keenan in the superb Chop - well worth checking out), Alyce LaTourelle is a lot of fun and also very attractive and then we get the great Debbie Rochon, the legendary Ron Jeremy, the equally legendary Lemmy and many other familiar faces dotted throughout the supporting cast.

It's an absolutely hilarious slice of distasteful entertainment. Or it could be the worst thing you ever see.

8/10

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