There's A Zombie Outside (2025)

Having seen a couple of shorts written and directed by Michael Varrati, I was looking forward to this. Although this is Varrati's feature debut, he has made an impact on the horror scene that makes it easy to assume that he already has a handful under his belt (and the amount of TV work he's already managed would help to reinforce that assumption).

There's A Zombie Outside is another film nicely summed up by the title. Ben Baur plays an actor named Adam, and his life starts to fray at the edges when he starts noticing, yes, a zombie outside. Is the zombie really there, or is it a hallucination stemming from an independent horror movie that put Adam and the zombie together in an unexpected way? 

It's difficult for me to find the right way to discuss There's A Zombie Outside. The plot takes a couple of enjoyably interesting turns, there are individual scenes that work really well, and Varrati definitely knows how to deliver independent horror content onscreen with an impressively consistent layer of polish. The zombie is used in the way that zombies so often are, make of that what you will, but the end result is ultimately lacking something. Adam's journey never feels as if it will reach any particular destination, and doesn't even feel as if he's moving for most of the runtime (despite changes of location). It's quite telling that the runtime feels overlong, despite clocking in at 75 minutes.

The fact that this is a film as steeped in a LGBTQ+ gaze as it is steeped in the horror tropes adds another layer to help it stand out from the crowd, and adds a bit more to the weight that Adam is carrying on his shoulders. While there are other characters surrounding our lead, the movie stays very much focused on Adam, his mental state, and where the sightings of the titular zombie could lead him.

Baur does well in the lead role, convincingly on edge as he starts to display behaviour that worries those around him. Phylicia Wissa is also very good, if sadly a bit underused, in the role of the level-headed Taryn, and there are fine performances from Danny Plotner, Ty Chen, William Lott, and Francisco Chacin, as well as an enjoyable came from the wonderful Tiffany Shepis. Having a couple of podcasters played by a couple of podcasters, however, is not something that usually wins me over (although it worked out well for them, as I just decided to check out their podcast).

Varrati is a considerable talent, even if this didn't fully work for me, but due credit must also go to Andrew J. Ceperley, credited here as a producer, composer, cinematographer, editor, and visual effects supervisor. I just wish that everyone had managed to deliver something a bit more impressive and memorable. Varrati clearly has something to say, but I don't think he says it as effectively as he maybe thinks he has. Or it's very possible that I just missed a small Rosetta Stone that would have unlocked the whole thing for me. 

5/10

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Deathcember (2020)

Horror anthology films are often an easy viewing experience, and I have mentioned this before. If you dislike one tale then another will be along soon enough to hopefully turn things around. This could have been even more likely with Deathcember, a Christmas-themed horror anthology that takes you through numerous doors (in an advent calendar style-ee) to present twisted tales for your delectation. 

There are two major flaws with Deathcember though. First of all, the runtime is just under two and a half hours. Just under two and a half hours? For a horror anthology? That's completely unnecessary. Even The Theatre Bizarre managed to be shorter than that. Both of The ABCs Of Death movies clocked in at round the two hour mark.

Second, and more importantly, very few of the stories are enjoyable. Indeed, only a few of them really feel like they need the Christmas theme to factor into the plot. I am not going to go out of my way here to pick on the segments I liked the least, mainly because there are so many people I usually like who were involved with this, but I can tell you that my highlights only amount to about 10% of the runtime. One of those, "Cracker", is a bizarre sci-fi horror tale that feels very much like an excellent episode of The Twilight Zone. The other, "They Used To Laugh And Call Him Names" is an amusingly gross blend of two seasonal favourites. That tale is the very last of 26, and one of 2 inserted amidst the end credits.

Don't get me wrong. The other tales aren't without merit. Some feel as if they haven't been fully-formed, even for a short, while some others have good ideas that aren't executed as well as they could be. And then you have "Crappy Christmas: Operation Christmas Child", which I found to be sick and absurdly amusing, but feel the need to warn others about. It's stop-motion animation, yet still manages to be disturbing at times, especially for those who may feel very uncomfortable about it being played for laughs. "The Hunchback Of Burg Hayn" is a gorgeous emulation of silent cinema, "Family Matters" is bizarre in just the right way, and "All Sales Fatal" has Tiffany Shepis as the kind of customer that you don't want to encounter as a shop worker in the Christmas shopping season. All of these shorts are good, in different ways, but not necessarily . . . enjoyable.

I am sure that there are many viewers who will enjoy this more than I did, and I at least appreciate the fact that this was created specifically to deliver this selection of bloody baubles (as far as I can tell), but it felt like a real slog to get through. I was looking forward to a feast of tasty meats, roasted veggies, plenty of sweeties, and mulled wine. I ended up with stodgy leftover turkey sandwiches, cold potatoes, the coffee creams, and some flat cola. 

4/10

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Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)

The other plus to me reviewing, or trying to review, every movie I see. I can figure out past errors. Somehow, I gave Ian Ziering a different first name in my review of Sharknado. Sorry for that mistake, it's now been fixed. And now . . . . . . let's get to The Second One.

You may not believe, or want to hear, this. Sharknado 2: The Second One is a better movie than its predecessor. In fact, the first third of the movie has some inspired moments that had me thinking this could be a film to use as a lesson, showing others how schlocky, z-grade material can transgress those roots to become something so entertaining it's no longer "so bad it's good". It just ends up being genuinely good.

Unfortunately, that opening third of the movie is followed by a middle act that starts to test your patience, and everything is capped off by a finale that just fails to find the sweet spot so tantalisingly offered up to us in the first 15-20 minutes (a real delight, mainly thanks to a great riff on "Nightmare At 20,000 Feet").

Ian Ziering and Tara Reid return to face shark-infested weather, and they're joined this time by Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath, Judd Hirsch, Kari Wuhrer, and a whole host of famous faces turning up for cameos (Tiffany Shepis, Kelly Osbourne, Kurt Angle, Billy Ray Cyrus, Andy Dick, Richard Kind, and many others). The acting isn't necessarily better than it was in the first movie, but the absurd humour of the premise has been heightened and played upon in such a way as to make it seem that way.

Director Anthony C. Ferrante returns to help the ridiculousness, and he does it well, taking the script, by Thunder Levin, and running with it at every opportunity. There are things that don't work, but there are a surprising number of things that do. Some one-liners made me smirk, either because they were good or they were so bad that I still found them amusing (like a gag from a Christmas cracker). And all of those cameos add a fun "I Spy" layer to the proceedings.

The CGI is still pretty awful, but such is the way of many movies from The Asylum, and logic and continuity are nowhere to be seen, of course, but all of those things are forgivable when everything else is so much fun. It's just a shame that the fun is all drained away by the last 20 minutes, which take your goodwill and grind it down to almost nothing, leaving a sour taste in your mouth as the end credits run.

If you liked the first movie then you'll find enough here to provide some amusement. If you hated the first movie then don't come anywhere near this one. Personally, I'm already anticipating the third one (if/when it happens).

5/10

http://www.amazon.com/Sharknado-2-Second-One-Blu-ray/dp/B00LOCLDSG/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_blu?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1408397644&sr=1-1&keywords=sharknado+2

Basement Jack (2009)

There's a killer (Eric Peter-Kaiser) who attacks families during lightning storms and, guess what, he spends time hiding in the basement until the conditions are just right. His name is Jack. Hence the title of the movie: Basement Jack. He's been doing the same thing for years now and there's one girl he wants to catch up with, one potential victim who escaped his clutches. That girl is Karen Cook (Michele Morrow) and she is determined to do all she can to help the police catch the sick murderer. But what creates and motivates such an individual? Flashbacks showing his treatment at the hands of a very cruel mother (Lynn Lowry) provide the answer.

Basement Jack isn't a great movie, but there are a couple of famous horror genre faces to keep an eye out for and one or two moments that save it from being a complete waste of time. Director Michael Shelton and writer Brian Patrick O'Toole seem to think that they're doing something quirky and unique, but it just comes across as annoying in some places and highly derivative in others. The last 10-15 minutes, in particular, really disappoint and I only hope that they move in another direction for whatever they line up next instead of trying to create a sequel.

The cast are a mixed bunch. Peter-Kaiser doesn't have much to do beyond being "the boogeyman" so he's fine in that regard, Michele Morrow is okay as the leading lady and Lynn Lowry has a lot of fun playing one of the worst mothers I've ever seen. Sam Skoryna is pretty weak as Officer Chris Watts, but Nathan Bexton makes things better with his amusing, eccentric turn. And it's always good to see Tiffany Shepis in anything, no matter how big her role or how bad the rest of the movie is.

The budget wasn't that big and this was Michael Shelton's first time as director (though it wasn't the feature screenwriter's first time as a feature screenwriter) so there's certainly room for him to develop his craft and improve upon this rather flat debut. He shows that he knows the basics, but any horror movie now needs much more than just the basics to make a good impression in a constantly overcrowded field.

I'll end by saying that this is, oh yes, something only to be bought if found in a bargain basement.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Basement-Jack-DVD/dp/B0037Z95WE/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1361296761&sr=1-1

Terror Firmer (1999)

To judge Terror Firmer by any standard movie criteria is to do a disservice both to yourself and to the movie. Terror Firmer is just an absolutely bonkers, overly gory, hilarious celebration of all that is Troma from start to finish. When a movie has been running for mere seconds and shows someone having their leg ripped off then you know that things aren't going to be subtle and insightful. When, moments later, a woman has her unborn child ripped out of her stomach then you know that things just went way off the scale of anything that society would label as acceptable or tolerable. And, if you keep watching the whole movie, you realise that you're glad that Troma keep on keeping on with their particular brand of low budget lunacy.

The actual story revolves around a vicious killer who is causing a number of disruptions on the set of the latest Troma movie. Cast and crew members start to die and police want to find the culprit as soon as possible, obviously. Which all just means that viewers get to see one crazy death sequence after another, linked by numerous references to other Troma movies, plenty of gags (both lame and pretty good) and occasional moments in which characters discuss the merits of independent filmmaking and how spirited it is to keep breaking taboos and pushing boundaries.

To many people, this film will rank amongst the very worst that they could be forced to watch. For others, like myself, it will easily rank up there with the very best inspired insanity that Troma can provide. Lloyd Kaufman gets to sit in the director's chair and the script is based on the book that he co-wrote with James Gunn entitled "All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger". He also stars as the blind director of the film within the film. So, hopefully, you don't mind his particular style of overacting and mugging to the camera.

The rest of the cast more than makes up for any weaknesses in Kaufman's repertory. Will Keenan is especially great as a man quite obsessed with pickling, Trent Haaga is good fun (n.b. Haaga would go on to direct Keenan in the superb Chop - well worth checking out), Alyce LaTourelle is a lot of fun and also very attractive and then we get the great Debbie Rochon, the legendary Ron Jeremy, the equally legendary Lemmy and many other familiar faces dotted throughout the supporting cast.

It's an absolutely hilarious slice of distasteful entertainment. Or it could be the worst thing you ever see.

8/10

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