Send Help (2026)

It's always good to see Sam Raimi having fun with his directorial work, and if there's one way to describe Send Help it's fun. It's not great, nor is it in the top 5 (maybe even top 10) of Raimi films, but it's definitely fun.

Rachel McAdams plays Linda Liddle, a put-upon employee who has to once again swallow her disappointment when passed over for promotion by her new boss, Bradley Preston (Dylan O'Brien). That promotion had been promised to her by Bradley's father, but he's more interested in helping his buddy, Donovan (Xavier Samuel), progress his career. And as long as they can still get Linda to do the actual maths and the work then it should be a win-win situation for them. Which is how Linda ends up on a flight with them en route to Bangkok. The flight doesn't get there though. It crashes, and Linda and Bradley end up on a deserted island. Luckily, Linda is a huge fan of Survivor, and knows how to make the best of their bad situation. Unluckily (for Bradley), this seriously inverts the balance of power between the two of them.

Written by Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, a duo who have delivered a couple of very enjoyable horror movies, and then the not-so-enjoyable Baywatch movie, Send Help works best when it's focused on the conversations between the two leads. Both of them often have an agenda, whether it's proving a point or trying to push an escape plan, and watching them tip-toe around their words as they strive to maintain the fragile co-dependency that might be essential for them is delightful. Surprisingly, and despite the moments that run far too close to similar moments in Triangle Of Sadness, those interactions are more delightful than any of the expected Raimi-isms.

Raimi doesn't care if things are a bit rough around the edges, considering he's done some of his best work with creativity and energy far outweighing budget, but viewers may not feel the same. From the plane crash to an angry wild boar, from scenes that have people in peril on a crumbling high path to a particular bit of pain delivered in the finale, the varying quality of the CGI is a bit too distracting, even when it's being used to get things more in line with some familiar Raimi beats. One dream sequence feels particularly unnecessary, pretty much just an excuse to have a sequence that would be better off in another Tales From The Crypt movie, and even a bit of propulsive camerawork fails to amuse because of it feeling awkwardly shoe-horned in. It's almost as if Raimi had to mark off a checklist of his own trademark touches, but his heart wasn't in it.

McAdams and O'Brien ensure that they do more than enough to make you appreciate when the focus is back on them, however, and both are in fine form. McAdams enjoys transforming from timid pushover to strong survival queen, and makes herself believable at both ends of that spectrum. O'Brien doesn't have the same kind of arc, but he is consistently amusing as the kind of inconsiderate asshole boss that you would never want to be working for. Samuel is equally inconsiderate, and equally amusing, Dennis Haysbert is sadly only here for a cameo turn, and Edyll Ismail gets a fantastic feature acting debut, playing the persistent fiancée of Bradley who, for unfathomable reasons, really wants to find him alive and safe.

I enjoyed many different parts of this. The performances, the Danny Elfman score, the too-infrequent moments that felt like Raimi being gleefully sadistic. It's just a shame that it never really came together into something completely satisfying though. Having said that, it's hard not to stay chuckling and think back on it fondly enough when you're treated to a cheeky and ridiculous final shot that acknowledges how silly it's all been. Sometimes silly is just fine. Sometimes it's what you need to distract you from the less silly events that can fill up your day.

6/10

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No Exit (2022)

After hearing the news that her mother is dying, a young woman (Darby, played by Havana Rose Liu) escapes the rehab centre that she has been ordered to stay in, steals a car, and drives many miles to visit her in hospital. Unfortunately, a strong blizzard makes it impossible to complete her journey, leading to Darby having to shelter at an isolated building with four strangers. And then, while trying to find a spot where she can get a signal on her phone, she discovers a young kidnap victim in the back of a van. It's then up to Darby to save the girl, figure out who the kidnapper is, and keep herself alive.

Directed by Damien Power, only his second feature after the very good Killing Ground, this is a superior bit of entertainment, helped by the script from Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari (adapting a novel by Taylor Adams). Everything is set up nicely throughout, from character relationships to the layout of the building, and there are some enjoyable twists and turns on the way to a third act that includes some great payoffs. This is polished entertainment, but it also isn't afraid to include a moment or two of real, painful, nastiness.

The cast helps a lot. Liu is excellent in the lead role, giving us a young woman who can dig deep down to find extra reserves of strength as she starts to face dangers that equal increasingly insurmountable odds of her surviving the night. Dennis Haysbert and Dale Dickey are the older couple stranded by the weather, and both do very well individually, as well as working perfectly with one another. Haysbert, in particular, is someone I'd love to see in more movie roles. David Rysdahl is okay, portraying a character defined by his shiftiness and jittery manner (so he's either bad or an overdone red herring), and Danny Ramirez is Ash, a young man who seems nice, but also could be a prime suspect . . . because it has to be someone. Mila Harris plays the child who has been kidnapped, and she does just as well as anyone else onscreen, although she has the least amount of screentime from the selection of main characters.

Although the main premise feels enjoyably unique, compared to so many other thrillers from the past few years, No Exit also has a feeling of familiarity throughout. From the struggling addict who may not always trust themselves to make good decisions to the crucial indecisiveness of someone who may not be able to kill others, even if it is necessary to avoid being sent to jail, this is a film that manages to make those elements feel fresh by placing them within the context of the revamped "whodunnit?" framework. Mixing the isolation with a very limited number of main suspects increases the feeling of danger for our lead, and not paring things down TOO much saves it from becoming repetitive and boring.

Maybe not one with much rewatchability, No Exit is simply a well-crafted thriller that should please most people. And the fact that the runtime is a nice 95 minutes makes it easier to slot into your viewing schedule.

7/10

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Playing With Fire (2019)

Smokejumpers, they're a special breed. They are parachuted into the middle of raging fire sites and tackle the raging infernos like absolute heroes. Like firefighters, except they're not like firefighters. Certainly not according to the characters in Playing With Fire.

John Cena is Jake, the stoic leader of his team, a group made up of Mark (Keegan-Michael Key), Rodrigo (John Leguizamo), and the fairly uncommunicative Axe (Tyler Mane). Jake has the chance for a big promotion, which would allow him to feel as if all the years living under the shadow of his beloved, departed, father have all been worthwhile. Which makes things even more stressful when the team end up temporarily caring for three young children (played by Brianna Hildebrand, Christian Convery, and Finley Rose Slater). 

Absolutely harmless family fun, as predictable as it is amusing, Playing With Fire has an okay mix of youngster causing trouble alongside a number of very enjoyable turns from the adults. As well as those already mentioned, Judy Greer pops up to be a love interest often overlooked by Cena as he tries to focus on his career, and Dennis Haysbert is the man who will make the final decision on the promotion, which means he is due to visit just after the kids should be dealt with and moved from the station by that point.

Director Andy Fickman feels like a good enough person for the job here. He's done family fare before, even if he's also given us Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, and he's helped by a decent script from Dan Ewen and Matt Lieberman. When I say the script is decent enough I mean that it gets you from A to B to C without any major turbulence or ill-advised tangents. You should know what you're getting with this movie, and you get it.

Cena is fun in his main role, required to look stern and straight-laced until shown how good life can be when you loosen up slightly. Key is hilarious, Leguizamo is a fun addition, and Mane is enjoyably intimidating to look at while having a soft heart. Greer and Haysbert are also pluses, but the latter is really nothing more than the required third-act obstacle/problem. As for the young co-stars, they're bearable. Hildebrand is actually pretty good, but it's not necessary for her to be as annoying or problematic as her younger siblings.

Few of the set-pieces feel as good as they could be, but they're pitched at just the right level for younger viewers, but this moves along nicely enough from start to finish, providing a good opportunity for Cena to grow his audience demographic. Disposable fun, and it leaves you chuckling with some fun out-takes over the end credits.

5/10

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Netflix And Chill: Secret Obsession (2019)

Peter Sullivan is a name you may recognise if, like me, you enjoyed watching all of the snow-filled TV movies we have filling up the schedules every Christmas time. He's done at least a dozen of them, which will come as no surprise to you once you have seen this unthrilling thriller that is now presented by Netflix.

On the one hand, I try my best to avoid spoilers whenever I review movies. I really do. I am not one of those people who thinks "the film is 50 years old anyway so it doesn't matter". And I certainly don't agree with the idea of "I thought it was crap anyway so here's how it ends", which I think is a particularly shitty way to express your negative view of something. Just because you hated something doesn't mean that everyone else will agree with you. On the other hand, and this is not an exaggeration, it's pretty much impossible to spoil Secret Obsession. If you saw the trailer then you know how it ends. If you didn't see the trailer, don't worry, everything is completely obvious within the first few minutes.

But, if you really don't believe, or trust, me . . . . *SPOILERS AHEAD*

Brenda Song plays Jennifer Williams, a young woman who starts the movie looking quite afraid until she's struck by a car, ending up in hospital with some horrible injuries and memory loss. Her loving husband, Russell (Mike Vogel), wants to get her home as soon as he can, just to make sure she can rest and recuperate in peace, and not at all because he obviously had something to do with the opening sequence. Jennifer rests up, occasionally thinking about everything she notices around her in a way that gets her spidey-sense tingling. Russell, meanwhile, acts suspiciously, then acts more suspiciously, and finally just reveals the dark core that viewers have known was there since the very beginning, all in time for a grand finale that sees the two leads joined by dogged Detective Frank Page (Dennis Haysbert).

There's something mesmerising about just how amazingly straightforward Secret Obsession is. There's no way that anyone involved could have thought they were making a real thriller. I'll admit that I wondered at what point this was going to change from the glossy nonsense I was enjoying to the twisted nastiness we got in The Perfection, but I didn't enjoy the movie any less when I realised that it was going to provide absolutely no surprises. As strange as it may seem, this proves to be quite the treat because of how resolutely it hits all of the expected beats without any of the tension, or twists, you might expect from it.

I still have to say that everyone does a decent job here, because they seem to do exactly what they're aiming to do. Sullivan directs everything with a safe, made-for-TV, feel that only ever comes close to pushing the boundaries during one moment (Russell cradling Jennifer's injured foot), the script, co-written by Sullivan and Kraig Wenman, is along the lines of a plot you would have enjoyed during the heady days of Sunset Beach, and the performances are absolutely in line with the material. Song spends most of her scenes either looking vulnerable or looking for a way to escape, or both, Vogel LOOKS like a charming psychopath throughout, and Haysbert does the suspicious and determined detective act well without going too over the top.

This is awful, in many ways. It's also kind of wonderful. It's the movie equivalent of a fast food treat. Ultimately bad for you, full of crap, designed to be sold to as many people as possible, and yet it's enjoyable enough for the ten minutes you spend eating it, even if you know you will crave something proper to eat within a few hours. Watch this, enjoy it, and then seek out something better to help get rid of the aftertaste.

5/10

Welcome To The Jungle (2013)

Jean-Claude Van Damme has never been a stranger to comedy. He's shown a good nose for it all through his career. And those Coors Light commercials were fantastic. But it's only now that he's starring in an actual live-action comedy feature, and he's unsurprisingly great in it.

The plot concerns a young man named Chris (Adam Brody) who seems to spend every day at his work being walked over by Phil (Rob Huebel) or messing up any chance to engage in conversation with the lovely Lisa (Megan Boone). So he's really not overjoyed when he and his colleagues are sent away for a weekend team-building exercise on a remote island. The whole thing is being led by Storm Rothchild (Van Damme), a man with more brawn than brains, but it's not long until he's sidelined and everything starts going a bit Lord Of The Flies.

In line with so many other comedies that you've seen before, Welcome To The Jungle is still decent fun, thanks in no small part to Van Damme, Brody and the rest of the cast. The script by first-timer Jeff Kauffmann isn't big or clever. It's content to simply be amusing. Taking a bad situation and then making it worse, the movie is set up to get our main character to a point at which he decides to take a stand.

Director Rob Meltzer has only a few other credits to his name, and none of them really seem to be of particular interest to me, but he handles this material just as well as any of the other directors working today. Indeed, his ability to limit the film to about the 95-minute mark actually puts him ahead of some people.

Brody makes for a pleasant enough lead, Van Damme is consistently hilarious (and doesn't overdo things until the material leads him to that approach in the final third), and Huebel is very easy to dislike, and also laugh at. Megan Boone makes for an okay, if somewhat bland, love interest, while Kristen Schaal, Eric Edelstein and Dennis Haysbert are among the more entertaining supporting cast members.

Not a film that will make it onto any Top 10 lists, and not even a film that you'll necessarily remember a few years down the line. This is simply a good time while it's on, nothing more and nothing less. And it's recommended to anyone who ever wanted to see Van Damme recuperating while having his ears stroked and being soothed like a pet bunny. Admit it, you're sold.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Welcome-Jungle-Blu-ray-DIGITAL-UltraViolet/dp/B00HVFA2TQ/ref=sr_1_2_twi_2_twi_2?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1420890329&sr=1-2&keywords=welcome+to+the+jungle

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Battledogs (2013)

When a young woman (Ariana Richards) turns a bit funny as she arrives at a New York airport she ends up causing quite a major situation. You see, she infects a number of people with what becomes known as the lupine virus. That means that when people get agitated they turn into werewolves. Vicious werewolves that appear to have jumped out of the nearest Playstation One. Anyway, Craig Sheffer and Kate Vernon play two people wanting to find a cure and help the situation, Dennis Haysbert is an uncaring military leader who wants to harness the power of the lupine virus and weaponise it, and Ernie Hudson pops up just long enough for fans of Ghostbusters to say: "look, Ernie Hudson."

This is how the main creatures look

Directed by Alexander Yellen and written by Shane Van Dyke, Battledogs may be full of horrible dialogue, uneven acting and special effects so bad that they will make your eyes water, but it also manages to be surprisingly enjoyable. God knows that I was expecting to do little more than endure this one, I'm as surprised as anyone else to have found a number of redeeming features.

THIS is a battledog!!!!!!!

The first redeeming feature is the cast. Although they are given the unenviable task of trying to polish a turd, forgive the expression, most of them still try to sell the ridiculous premise. Haysbert may be given the worst treatment by the script, but Sheffer, Hudson, Richards and Vernon all fare slightly better. They're not giving great performances, but they don't do too badly. Of course, maybe I was just expecting a LOT worse.

The second redeeming feature is the pacing of the thing. This starts off at a fair pace and never really lets up until the very end. Yes, there are inevitable moments of downtime but nothing ever gets so bad that you start clockwatching.

Third, there's just a healthy sense of fun about the whole thing. It's not being tongue-in-cheek, it's not trying to be some minor cult hit, but this aims to please. Despite the relatively small budget, it throws in many creature moments and keeps trying to punch above its weight. Most of those punches miss, but it's hard not to grudgingly admire the attempt.

Battledogs is NOT a good movie, yet I didn't hate it. I could bring myself to watch it again. But only if I really had to.

4/10


http://www.amazon.com/Battledogs-Blu-ray-Haysbert/dp/B00BMUL966/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380191348&sr=8-1&keywords=battledogs

THIS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!