Prime Time: Cynthia (2018)

The thing to bear in mind about Cynthia is that it is a horror comedy. That becomes obvious from the very first moments of the film, but it may not be so obvious from the blurb and poster/cover art. And it is sometimes an enjoyably wild horror comedy, although the bloodshed and gore never matches the level of the humour.

Scout Taylor-Compton and Kyle Jones play Robin and Michael, a couple desperately trying to have a child. The good news is that they succeed. The bad news is that there’s something else there, a mass of excess tissue that will be disposed of by the hospital. That’s the plan anyway. It’s just a large cyst.  But that messy lump (the titular Cynthia) wants to live, even if that means she has to kill others.  

Written by Robert Rhine, this is a silly “killer kid” movie that knows how silly that idea is, especially when the child is a complete newborn, and decides to use it as a framework for a number of increasingly silly encounters (there’s a cameo from Bill Moseley that has to be seen to be disbelieved). The performances are often pitched between terrible and odd, but the film is helped by the cute and mis-shapen design of Cynthia, a statement underlining the tone of everything.

Directors Devon Downs and Kenny Gage (I have seen one other film from them, it was nowhere near as much fun as this) make the most of a script that uses some potentially sensitive topics for creating absurd scenarios. Whether it is the difficulty of trying to conceive, the journey of self-discovery that has people eventually becoming comfortable with their sexuality, or doing whatever it takes to protect a child, no matter what “mistakes” they make along the way, Cynthia is gleeful about it all. It is noticeably strange though, with so much being fair game, and a seemingly enjoyable lack of worry about people being offended by the content here, that the film feels at its most prudish when shying away from two gay characters about to kiss. Maybe it was just coincidental, maybe it was a joke that didn’t work for me, but it felt like the only time the directors seemed “squeamish”, for want of a better word.

Taylor-Compton is game enough in her role, and Jones is a lot of fun alongside her, the two often bickering like a couple mired in a depressing soap opera plot. Rebecca Marshall lends decent support, playing Jane, the sister of our lead character, and Sid Haig has fun in the role of a cop investigating numerous suspicious deaths. There are some other fun little performances, but the bulk of the praise should go to the people puppeteering Cynthia, a creation that reminded me slightly of Glen/Glenda from Seed Of Chucky.

Although rough around the edges, and full of moments that wallow in crudity, Cynthia is made with just enough polish to elevate it above a lot of cheaper, and schlockier, movies. The humour will annoy as many people as it amuses, but I would still recommend giving it a go, especially if you’re not easily offended. The highlights of the third act make it worth your while.

6/10

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3 From Hell (2019)

Here's the one thing that I know about the feature film career of Rob Zombie. I am one of the many voices making up part of the problem. I LOVE his first film, he still hasn't topped it for me. It's a carnival sideshow experience in which you are taken by a variety of eye-catching grotesqueries by someone you don't entirely trust. Unfortunately, every movie he has given us after that one has been more of the same, with the exception of two movies that many fans didn't care for. I love The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto. I didn't love The Lords Of Salem. Sadly, the more that Zombie retreats back into his comfort zone, the more I appreciate him trying to channel Ken Russell in The Lords Of Salem, and the less likely it is that we will ever see him try that again.

Which brings us to 3 From Hell, a film that continues the saga of "the Firefly family", the notorious and nasty criminals we last saw being abruptly halted by a hail of bullets as they headed towards a police roadblock. The basic plot is similar to The Devil's Rejects, it's three bad people doing bad things until a final encounter leads them towards either another victory or potential death.

Sheri Moon Zombie, Bill Moseley, and Sid Haig in place? Check (although the role for Haig was greatly reduced, he has only one main scene, when news of his illness came along just before his death this year). A decent soundtrack? Check (note - it's still a bold move for ANY film to use In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida even all these years after Manhunter). Maniacs who like to deliver verbose dialogue before they commit their atrocities? Check. A '70s aesthetic throughout, no matter what time the film is supposed to be set in? Check. The baddies being a lot smarter/luckier than anyone with their M.O. would be? Check.

On paper, this should be another easy win for Zombie. It's not though. Although it fails in different ways to 31 (which remains arguably his worst film), it still fails. Some fans may disagree with that, and I'm happy that Zombie is at least keeping his core fanbase happy. He seems to have a good relationship with them, and often delivers just what they want. It's just a shame that he doesn't take a chance nowadays on exploring other genre styles that will allow him to grow more, and potentially surprise audiences.

Most, but not all, of the problems here like with Zombie himself. The script is more of the nonsense that he likes to hear being delivered by his favourite actors, always a mix of gleeful nihilism and purported wisdom from those who are savvy enough not to be constrained by the laws imposed upon society by men who just weren't brave enough to give in to their base desires at all times. It also all starts off on the wrong foot, a double whammy of viewers being told a time period that never feels right and an air of sympathy for the main characters that you just can't see ever happening. EVER. Nobody onscreen is worth supporting.

The second main problem, aside from anything done directly by Zombie, comes from the main performances. Few people onscreen are actually bad, but they're rarely actually good either. Moseley is pretty much in self-parody territory now, pushed into that area by Zombie, and every moment he's onscreen feels a bit silly. Richard Brake, stepping in to the void left by Haig, has the potential to make a better impression in the role of Winslow AKA "Foxy", but he ends up looking and sounding far too much like Moseley. That leaves us with Mrs Zombie, who is the worst of the three, and suffers the most from the script. There's just no way anyone would consider her for a parole hearing, for example, given her history of constant unpredictable madness, and she's getting a bit too old to play the role in the same giggling and coquettish way she did back in House Of 1000 Corpses. You get supporting roles for people such as Daniel Roebuch, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Dee Wallace, Bill Oberst Jr, Danny Trejo, Pancho Moler, Emilio Rivera, and many others, although some are little more than the most fleeting of cameos it is some light relief to spot some of the familiar faces dotted around.

With House Of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects, Zombie delivered one hell of a double-bill. That hasn't changed. It's just that some people will have an inferior third instalment they can choose to watch at the end. Or, and bear with me, we can all forget it exists and just stay a lot happier. This film says nothing worthwhile, does nothing new, and deserves, well, I am sure you can guess.

3/10

Here's the movie available from Rob Zombie's site (because he needs the clicks more than I do . . . the blogger typed sarcastically).

Mimesis: Night Of The Living Dead (2011)

Directed by Douglas Schulze, who also came up with the central story idea (then made into script form by Joshua Wagner), Mimesis: Night Of The Living Dead - aka just Mimesis - has one or two interesting ideas and moments in the mix, but just ends up falling apart as the lack of logic and poor character choices start to mount up.

Allen Maldonado plays Duane, a young man attending a horror fan event with his friend Russell (Taylor Piedmonte). It's never quite clear why Duane is there, however, as he doesn't seem to enjoy the culture that he sees around him and just spends his time berating Russell for being so passionate about the genre. The two young men end up receiving an invite to an exclusive party, unaware of the fact that things are about to get a bit strange. After some time at the party, everyone passes out. They all wake up in the morning, dressed in different clothes and, apparently, in the middle of the events that unfolded in Night Of The Living Dead. How the hell did they end up there, and how the hell are they going to get out?

When I first saw the trailer for Mimesis: Night Of The Living Dead I thought that it looked great. I know, I know, after all of these years watching movies and trailers I should really know better. But no, I am still as gullible as I was so many years ago. I thought this was a great concept and hoped it would play out well.

It IS a great concept, to a certain degree, but it's not played out well. The script is weak, and full of moments to make you pull your hair out (e.g. characters discussing how to get to a truck and start it up before one of the same characters only mentioning later that in Night Of The Living Dead the truck blew up when someone tried to use it), and it's complemented by a weak cast. None of the leads are likeable, with Maldonado and David G. B. Brown being put forward as the nominal heroes, but there are two small roles for genre favourites, Sid Haig and Courtney Gains. Gavin Grazer is suitably irritating as the irritating husband/father who fans of the original movie loved to hate so much, Lauren Mae Shafer and Jana Thompson aren't give much to do and the other cast members are given even less.

The direction from Schulze is competent, I guess, but there's no style and nothing to detract from the failings. Even when replicating the moments from Night Of The Living Dead, it doesn't seem to take the time and care to get anything spot on. Everything feels slapdash. That's a shame, because of more care and time had been taken with the plot development and shot choice then this COULD have been almost as good as the trailer made it out to be.

Disappointing. Very disappointing.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Mimesis-Blu-ray-Allen-Maldonado/dp/B00ADRYEOI/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1378886089&sr=8-2&keywords=mimesis+night+of+the+living+dead

The Lords Of Salem (2012)

Damn you, Rob Zombie, damn you. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to fall while stretching beyond your normal reach, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating when the end result is such a mess. I always think that a discussion of any Rob Zombie movie somehow requires an opening statement making clear exactly where I stand on the filmography of the man. I loved House Of 1000 Corpses and I loved The Devil's Rejects, and then it started to slip and slide downhill. I actually enjoyed the Halloween remake and I thought The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto was as hilarious as it was juvenile. It all started to go wrong with Halloween II (which I still gave a respectable 6/10). The Lords Of Salem is, without a doubt, his worst movie. The fact that it's so unoriginal isn't a problem. The other movies that he's done have all allowed Zombie to wear his influences on his sleeve. It's the fact that is so unoriginal without his own twist on the material, the fact that it's so visually inept and ugly and the fact that it's just inexcusably dull from start to finish. Zombie shows no progression whatsoever as an artist, and has actually gone backwards since his fantastic debut feature.

The story is all about a radio DJ named Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie) who receives a record from a mystery band, simply calling themselves "the lords". When she plays the record she starts to feel funny, eventually experiencing strange visions that may be flashbacks to more violent time in Salem's dark history. Her colleagues (played by Jeff Daniel Phillips and Ken Foree) don't really notice anything unusual initially, but as things get worse they start to worry that Heidi has gone back to a drug habit after a long period of being clean. The one person who starts to piece things together is Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison), a bit of an expert in the local history. Unfortunately, Heidi is soon being "looked after" by three women (Judy Geeson, Dee Wallace and Patricia Quinn) and she seems to be heading towards some big trouble.

There are some individual, good moments in The Lords Of Salem. It's not an irredeemable disaster, and it's not something that I'll refuse to ever rewatch, but those overlooking the many major flaws to praise it as Rob Zombie's homage to Euro-horrors are setting a lot of future newcomers up for a big fall. Zombie himself described it (in this clip) "as if Ken Russell directed The Shining" and mentions Polanski as another influence. He's not actually far off the mark, but none of those filmmakers would have a transition quite as clumsy as the sequence that introduces Heidi's place of work and colleagues and treats the audience like hyperactive children. Frustratingly, he shows in some other shots that he can do much better. Some moments do have a nice, controlled approach to both the shot composition and camera movement, but it's usually not long until he slips back into his old habits.

A lot of detractors of the film, or Zombie in general, have been quick to criticise Sheri Moon Zombie in the lead role. She's not that bad. Indeed, none of the actors (many of whom are firm favourites among horror fans, surprise surprise) do a bad job. Geeson, Wallace and Quinn, in particular, provide the most fun and seem to attack their roles with relish. Meg Foster also appears in a small, but vital, role and Sid Haig and Michael Berryman put in cameo appearances.

The soundtrack is pretty good, with one or two standout tracks, and the quality of the sound design serves as a reminder that this is a film from a man who knows what he's doing by now (in terms of the basic technical aspects, at least).

I enjoyed a few scenes, I was impressed by one or two creepy moments and in the first half hour of the film I was hoping that it would improve and build to something truly memorable. That didn't happen. The fact that it all came so completely undone didn't make me angry, it just left me disappointed. Other people already gave up on Rob Zombie a few years ago, but I keep giving him one more chance. I know that he's capable of some great stuff. The Lords Of Salem sees him trying hard to refute that.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Lords-Salem-Sheri-Moon-Zombie/dp/B00BIODT0A/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370338335&sr=8-1&keywords=the+lords+of+salem

The Haunted World Of El Superbeasto (2009).

From the mind of Rob Zombie comes this animated movie that’s madder than anything and everything that he’s previously put onscreen and an absolute hoot for those who can enjoy the puerile humour and the, unsurprisingly, reference-laden material (as I did).

El Superbeasto (voiced by Tom Papa) is a masked hero who is also a bit of a jackass. Think of Ash from the third Evil Dead movie and times that by ten, also adding numerous merchandising tie-ins and an ability to be fairly useless when needed the most. Dr Satan (Paul Giamatti) plans to find himself a certain woman he can make his unholy bride and to become a super-satanic piece of nastiness. And the certain woman is the mouthy and very busty Velvet Von Black (Rosario Dawson). El Superbeasto wants to save the not-so-innocent damsel in mild distress and needs the super-duper Suzi X (Sheri Moon Zombie) to help him out. Suzi herself is greatly helped by her transforming horny robot, Murray (Brian Posehn).

Honestly, this movie is entirely ridiculous for most of it’s running time but I enjoyed it immensely. The animation style was like a neon-lit cross between Ren & Stimpy and Fritz The Cat (which isn’t surprising as these two titles were amongst the inspirations for the animation) and it is also helped by one of the most amusing selection of song lyrics since Trey Parker and Matt Stone last set about writing a soundtrack. The song about Suzi X being chased by motorbike-riding zombie Nazis has to be heard to be believed, it had me laughing hard. Listen to it right here and now on this YouTube link.

The vocal cast are all great, from the leads to the cameo turns from the likes of Sid Haig, Bill Moseley and (my favourite of the lot thanks to the wonderfully droll character that he voices) Geoffrey Lewis.

As this is a Rob Zombie movie it’s no surprise that we get references to other horror classics but the wealth of them and how spot-on they are (thanks to the animated medium) pleasantly rewards the viewer who has been exposed to the same influences as Mr. Zombie. From the wonderful intro that brilliantly recreates the warning at the beginning of Frankenstein (1931) to the nod to Planet Of The Apes to Sunset Blvd to Zombie’s own outings (Moseley and Haig voice their respective characters, Otis Driftwood and Captain Spaulding) – you’re never far away from a subtle or not-so-subtle nod to another movie.

This could easily be dismissed as juvenile, unfunny nonsense by those who don’t find the humour appealing to them. Me? I thought it was damn hilarious and keep looking forward to Rob Zombie’s directorial outings in any form. 

8/10. 

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