Attack Of The 50 Foot CamGirl (2022)

There have been many films over the years that have shown us people of various unusual sizes, from men and women who have been shrunk down to a size smaller than ants, to people enlarged enough to tower over buildings around them. And, although this was hitherto unbeknownst to me, a few of those films have been made over the last 5-10 years, often placing an attractive female in the lead role.

Attack Of The 50 Foot CamGirl is exactly what you think it is. Ivy Smith plays Beverly Wood, a popular cam girl who is always looking to boost her viewership and ratings. She is managed by her scheming husband (played by Eli Cirino) and often feels threatened by her mistreated assistant, Fuschia (Christine Nguyen). And then a mishap leads to her having a very sudden growth spurt.

Written by Kent Roudenbush (and I will leave you to check out his filmography for yourself, but “highlights” from his body of work include Corona Zombies and Barrie & Kendra Save The Tiger King), the best thing about this movie is that it has a mercifully short runtime. I will say, however, that it also has a few moments of wit here and there, and embraces the very low budget in a way that gives it a certain charm.

The fact that Jim Wynorski is in the director’s chair also means that you’re going to get a fair bit of gratuitous nudity, with the man drawn to a large bust just as obsessively as Russ Meyer. He is another one of those directors who now has a filmography varying between adult-oriented fare and occasional cheap adventures churned out to please undemanding kids, but I am not going to pretend that I don’t enjoy most of his films for the same reason he probably enjoys directing them.

The cast give performances that could best be described as fitting this type of film (cheap ‘n’ cheerful). Smith is amusingly vain and vapid for most of the runtime, only starting to become more considerate, of herself and her situation, when her giant size requires her to rely on others for some proper help (and not just keeping her supplied with a constant stream of Cosmos). Nguyen is decent enough, playing her character with thin-lipped resentment until she gets to eventually drop the facade completely and let out some anger. Cirino is the villain of the piece, which is fairly obvious from the very beginning, and it’s interesting that his worsening behaviour is shown as an increased and more overt level of manipulation and gaslighting, basically just an amplification of how we have seen him act in every main scene at the start of the film. Lisa London, Frankie Cullen, and Jaret Sacrey play three scientists who inadvertently cause, and try to solve, the plight of our lead, and they provide a number of moments that may make easily-pleased viewers chuckle slightly. I chuckled slightly, once or twice.

This isn’t a good film. It isn’t made very well. It isn’t one I can imagine ever rewatching. But it works as an amusing enough distraction, a throwaway bit of fun that once again allows Wynorski to make use of a premise in a way that will best allow him to film some busty women cavorting around onscreen. Is it art? No. It feels like everyone onscreen probably helped out as much behind the camera, perhaps for the promise of some time spent in sunshine with snacks and drinks provided. But not all movies have to be art. Some just help you waste an hour with your brain switched off. This did that. Which means it did exactly what it set out to do.

4/10

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The Playbirds (1978)

Here it is, at long last. My second Mary Millington film experience, and a vehicle that fans of the star often cite as her best work. Which makes it very odd to watch nowadays, especially when you have a scene in which a woman wakes up to find a stranger in her home and cheerily utters "oh goody, I'm going to be raped." Yeah, that really happens.

The plot, and at least this does feel like a proper plot, concerns the murder of a number of porn magazine centrefolds. It's up to Holbourne (Glynn Edwards) and Morgan (Gavin Campbell) to capture the killer before any more women die, but they really struggle to find any decent leads. Perhaps it is the porn magazine mogul, Dougan (Alan Lake), perhaps it is the moralising street preacher, Hern (Dudley Sutton), or perhaps it is any one of the many men who make themselves seem much more suspicious in the presence of the police. The only way to really get a step ahead of the killer is to place an attractive officer (Lucy, played by Millington) undercover. She certainly looks right for the part, which means she is in a lot of danger as soon as her centrefold is about to be published.

The first of three Millington movies directed by Willy Roe, who also co-wrote the script with George Evans (although they are credited under pseudonyms), The Playbirds manages to cut costs and make use of easily-available assets without slapping everything together as carelessly as something like Come Play With Me. The script may not be that sharp, few people watch adult entertainment for the dialogue and characterisations, but what is here actually works well for the plot to hit some decent story beats on the way to scenes of nudity and sex.

Edwards is a reliable performer, and Campbell does well enough opposite him. I'd even go so far as to say that Millington occasionally seems to be rising to the occasion with her performance, although she's hindered by the fact that viewers will be impatiently awaiting the time for her to get naked. Lake isn't too bad either, and Sutton makes the most of his small amount of screentime. You also get very brief turns from Windsor Davies and Kenny Lynch. They may have only one scene each, but they're very welcome appearances in between scenes featuring cast members who are much lesser-known.

Probably not one that many people will be rushing to watch, The Playbirds isn't half as bad as some other adult-oriented entertainment from this time. You still have problematic attitudes, and dialogue, but having a pot that feels like someone gave it more than a few seconds of thought it a big plus. The titillating nudity feels like a secondary consideration, which I understand many may view as a big drawback, but there's still enough to satisfy fans of the leading lady.

5/10

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Come Play With Me (1977)

Curiosity got the better of me, I admit it, and I finally watched Come Play With Me for the first time a few years ago. It was, in many ways, one of the most successful movies in British cinemas (particularly the Moulin Cinema in London) in the late 1970s, and it was sold on the obvious appeal of Mary Millington, despite her having only a relatively small share of the screentime.

The basic plot concerns Clapworthy (played by writer-director George Harrison Marks) and Kelly (Alfie Bass) trying to lay low at a quiet health resort as they attempt to print numerous forged banknotes that are causing quite the impact on the national economy. They're also hiding away from a tough gangster named Slasher (Ronald Fraser), which makes the resort, run by Lady Bovington (Irene Handl), a perfect place to just relax and stay under the radar. Unfortunately, or fortunately, a coach full of lovely ladies arrive, led by Lady Bovington's nephew, Rodney (Jerry Lordan), and they decide to do whatever it takes to drum up extra business for the resort. That usually means getting quite naked, and getting much more physical with the guests.

I wondered if this second viewing would make Come Play With Me a more enjoyable experience, knowing how bemused I had been when first giving it a go. Nope, it turns out that I am still puzzled about the massive success this enjoyed, which must have been the result of Millington's name and a constant marketing campaign in at least one top shelf magazine titles.

Bemused or not, however, there's no denying that this DID enjoy huge success, and I wanted to explore the filmography of Millington (billed as the most popular British porn star of the 1970s, and a woman who ended her life tragically at the far-too-young age of 33). Having watched Respectable: The Mary Millington Story, I purchased a fine box set of her movies, and also have a superb book all about her. The films might all end up being awful, I'll have to wait and see, but it's easy to see why so many were smitten with Millington, a woman with that perfect mix of "girl next door" looks and liberated sexuality.

Let's get back to the film though, which is only really worth watching for Millington, and the faltering performances from Handl and Fraser, as well as an entertaining little turn from Milton Reid. Every scene makes it obvious that this was made as quickly and cheaply as possible, and Marks and Bass, while moderately capable, are very strange choices for the lead roles. The sex is decidedly unsexy, the humour rarely lands, and there's not enough moments focusing on Millington, despite the mix of other women happy to wear very little clothing, or none at all, while the film stumbles from one sequence to the next, with an odd musical number thrown in for good measure.

I'm not bothered if people question my motives for watching these films, the gratuitous nudity at least guarantees I won't be bored for the entire runtime, but I have a strange affection for the British sex comedies of this era. I'm also fascinated by them, whether they are films that were mis-sold to audiences who expected much more sex, or whether they were films trying to use actors with "cheeky charm" moving from one saucy encounter to another. Whatever you think of them as works of cinema, they were relatively successful with audiences, from the Millington vehicles to "Confessions Of...", as well as the "Adventures Of..." movies. They're not essential viewings, by any means, but they shouldn't necessarily be consigned to the dustbin of history, considering the money and reputations that they made for some of the people involved.

3/10

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Prime Time: Adventures Of A Taxi Driver (1976)

You know what it's like, don't cha. You want to have a great life, get a bit of cash in your pocket, get a nice little bird to have some fun with every now and again, and generally live a bleedin' charmed life without any worries. But you are living at your mum's gaff, you have an on-off girlfriend who wants something serious, while you're just keeping her as an option in between pursuing others, and most of your taxi fares end with you owing money because you got your head turned by some nice piece of skirt.

No, I've not regressed. The paragraph above sums up the outlook of the main character in Adventures Of A Taxi Driver, a very successful British sex comedy from the 1970s that came along after the popular "Confessions Of..." series and the much more enjoyable Eskimo Nell (if you ever explore these movies then that is one I recommend you make a top priority).

Barry Evans plays the main character, you won't be surprised to learn that he is a taxi driver, Joe, in a film that also has room for Robert Lindsay, Judy Geeson, Diana Dors, and one or two special cameo appearances. The opening minutes, with an amusingly sarcastic litany of praise for the good ol' British cabbie, bodes well for what you might get from the rest of the film, but things quickly go from bad to worse as viewers are left in the care of a cheeky chappie supposedly able to charm the ladies. He seems more like either a predator or a spoiled child for most of the runtime, and everything becomes even more tiresome when you get a final act that puts the main character in the middle of a robbery that allows him to be the best of a bad bunch (I suppose).

Very much a product of its time, this doesn't hold up well at all. Director Stanley A. Long, who also came up with the idea that was turned into a screenplay by Suzanne Mercer, a frequent collaborator, puts everything together like a late-night comedy sketch show with licence to show some gratuitous nudity. You get the married woman who is interrupted by her oblivious husband while she tries to enjoy the company of the cabbie, you get one young woman who seems suicidal until she starts responding to the warmth of Joe (yes, it is as horribly uncomfortable as it sounds), and you get the obviously hilarious moment in which Joe doesn't realise his latest passenger is a female impersonator. There's nudity and a nun, a happy-go-lucky hooker who likes to treat her clients while being driven around in the cab, and more.

Evans is at least okay in the main role. It's not easy to make his character any more appealing, considering the script working against him, but he tries his best. Geeson is as lovely as ever, Lindsay is there to often be a sounding board, and Adrienne Posta is horribly mistreated as Carol, the woman who Joe thinks is getting far too clingy. On the plus side, she at least gets to sing the main title song (even if it's not a very good one).

I used to hate this. I remember rating it even lower the last time I saw it, and I have no idea why, or how, I watched it before. But now I can't help view it with a little more affection. The attitude on display is still horrendous, the comedy doesn't really work, but it's just as fascinating a a number of other British movies from this time, many of them trying to make a splash at the box office by translating saucy postcard humour into something a bit more daring for adults to enjoy at their local cinemas.

4/10

The print currently available on Amazon Prime (UK, not sure about other territories) is actually very good.

Camille 2000 (1969)

I am not sure how much Italy has changed over the years, having never been there (sadly), but I'm pretty sure that during the '60s and '70s it was the sexiest place in the world. Everything was sexy. Seriously. There's a characters in Camille 2000 who dies of some vague disease, and I think even the disease was sexy. If an ebola outbreak had occurred then everyone would have been trying to get themselves infected over the next few years because it would be the sexiest way to die ever.

There's plenty in Camille 2000 that is sexy, apart from the actual sex. The two main characters - Marguerite AKA Camille, played by Daniele Gaubert, and Armand, played by Nino Castelnuovo - indulge in sexy dancing, sexy hide and seek, sexy gambling, sexy parties that allow people to portray slaves and owners, and even sexy clothes shopping. Yet it's all one big game to the free spirit that is Marguerite, despite the fact that Armand is growing more and more in love with her at every turn. Perhaps their relationship is doomed. But at least it will be sexily doomed.

Directed by Radley Metzger, this is a film inspired by a book by Alexandre Dumas fils. It is, in many ways, a very familiar tale. Unrequited love, pure and simple. Yet, thanks to the screenplay by Michael DeForrest, it's also just as much about keeping up appearances in social circles that will tolerate anything apart from personal or financial embarrassment. I can't say whether or not that was taken from the source material, having never read the book, but it's an interesting additional layer here.

Gaubert and Castelnuovo are, unsurprisngly, sexy young people at the heart of all this sexiness, and they're joined by Eleonora Rossi Drago, Roberto Bisacco, Silvana Venturelli, and a number of others. Nobody really makes an impression, however, as they're nothing more than set dressing, helping to up the sexiness quotient in between the many moments when the leads are being sexy with one another.

The biggest problem that this movie has, as I already mentioned above, is that the sex is the least sexy part of it. It's obviously supposed to be sexy, but it's not. Gaubert and Castelnuovo romp around in various states of undress, snogging one another like a pair of teenagers who have just discovered how to kiss with tongue, and this is repeated a number of times, each time dragging the film to a complete standstill. Other people are also shown having sex, and none of them seem to be having a very good time.

I still enjoyed Camille 2000. It's hard to hate something that almost constantly looks so stylish and, yes, sexy. It's just a great shame that the only unsexy part was the actual sex. Still, at least I can thank it for this review, which may just be the sexiest damn thing I've ever written.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Metzger-Sexadelic-Collection-Camille-Lickerish/dp/B000VCTLKM/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1419761356&sr=8-2&keywords=camille+2000

Sin Sisters (2003)

It's always so easy to write reviews of any movie starring erotic movie star Misty Mundae (AKA Erin Brown). They all, unsurprisingly, follow a similiar pattern. Have a plot that is as slim as it is ridiculous, and then throw some sexy sexy footage onscreen every few minutes. The plot for Sin Sisters may not be quite as slim as the usual fare that Misty Mundae has starred in, but it's still nothing worth watching if you're after anything actually worthy of being called a movie. Of course, nobody watches these things for the plot and character development.

Misty and her sister, Chelsea Mundae, play the sisters of the title. They spend their time lounging by the pool, competing for the attention of men by getting nekkid and having sexy times, and then going to school/college/where they make time to have sexy times. There's a slight interruption to all of the sexy times when Misty kills a rival, Beth (Andrea Davis), and Misty and Chelsea then have to put her body in the trunk of a car and find a place to dump it. Not to fear, the sisters soon meet Juli (Julian Wells) in the middle of nowhere, and she soon forces them to have more sexy times. Some secrets are revealed, in an attempt to make the plot seem smarter than usual for this kind of movie, and more flesh is put on display. And that's it.

Okay, okay, I know that I am not the target audience for this type of thing (well, I AM a heterosexual male so I guess I AM the target audience, in some ways), but I just can't see the appeal of any Misty Mundae movie that I've seen so far, beyond the obvious. The starlet herself is kinda cute, and there are other women onscreen who aren't too unattractive either, but almost everything else is so horrible that it feels as if it's designed to drive viewers crazy while they wait for the sex scenes to start. Or do they always assume that every viewer is just going to fast forward through the movie until they see some naked flesh appear? I guess that's a distinct possibility.

Writer-director Tony Marsiglia must have laughed his ass off whenever he started to make money from these movies, because I have no doubt that he made some money. There's an annoying soundtrack throughout, camerawork that's barely competent, plenty lame lines of dialogue in the script, and, worst of all, not even that much sexiness during the moments that are supposed to be sexy.

I know that people will read this and think "Kevin, you dumbass, you can't rate softcore/erotic movies in the same way that you rate standard movies" and I completely understand that. I disliked Sin Sisters (and many films like it) because of a lack of anything that was actually sexy. It has nudity, it has women having sex with either themselves or other women, but nudity and sex aren't automatically sexy. With the way it fails to do anything else, sexy is the only thing this is supposed to have going for it. 

Only recommended for the very, very easily pleased. And teenagers who don't have the internet.

3/10

 

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Crimes Of Passion (1984)

I've said it before and I'll say it again, god bless the brilliant and bonkers Ken Russell. Crimes Of Passion is his usual mix of sex, death, and blasphemy. It's a good film, but it's lifted up further by a starring role for Kathleen Turner and a brilliantly off-kilter turn from Anthony Perkins.

Turner stars as Joanna Crane, a successful businesswoman who leads a double life. At night she likes to dress up, head out, and get her kicks as a prostitute named China Blue. Many of her clients, end up smitten with her, and it's not hard to see why. She knows just what everyone wants, and will enthusiastically work to please almost any fetishist. She risks losing her anonymity and security when a man (Bobby Grady, played by John Laughlin) is hired to shadow her, all because her daytime boss suspects her of theft. Bobby finds himself joining the long queue of smitten men, but China does her best to stop people getting too attached to her. Meanwhile, an unbalanced preacher (Anthony Perkins) becomes determined to save China's soul.

Written by Barry Sandler, Crimes Of Passion is blessed with a script that's profane, witty, lovably ludicrous, and consistently entertaining. The introduction of Turner as China Blue is a scene that no viewer will ever forget, and with good reason. Everything is, quite rightly, skewed towards adoring China and showing just how good she is at her job, and also how being naughty in all the right ways doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. The numerous men who want to save China from her situation fail to realise that she doesn't need saved. She will choose when and how she wants to change her life, and when she will return to a life of being Joanna Crane full-time.

Russell directs with a fearlessness that defined most of his movies. He revels in the material, even if it's somewhat lighter fare than some of his more acclaimed pictures, and doesn't do anything by halves. Russell may be an acquired taste, to put it mildly, but I feel sorry for anyone who can't relax and enjoy the exuberance and sheer cheek present here, and in the majority of his work.

Laughlin is decent enough, I guess, in his role, and Annie Potts is as solid as ever in the role of his unhappy wife (the marriage is not in good health), but all of the best moments revolve around either Perkins, or Turner, or both. Both are brilliant, happily going up to the very edge and then, in different ways, completely over it. Perkins almost seems to be foaming at the mouth during his every moment, while Turner effortlessly mixes comedy, confidence and sexiness in a lead performance that acts as the keystone for the entire film.

It's ridiculous, but it knows exactly what it's doing. Crimes Of Passion will keep you entertained throughout, and also have you laughing out loud at times, but you'll be laughing WITH the film, which may be the highest compliment I can give. Because, in lesser hands, it would have been so easy to laugh AT it.

8/10

http://www.amazon.com/Crimes-Passion-UNCUT-China-Blue/dp/B006PM86JO/ref=sr_1_5?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1401637528&sr=1-5&keywords=crimes+of+passion

Mummy Raider AKA Misty Mundae: Erotic Raider (2002)

Yep, it's time for me to review another adult movie. Why? Well, because sex sells, of course. And there was a time when Erin Brown was a relatively big star in the field of softcore adult entertainment. I don't know why, most of the films that she starred in appear to have been pretty awful (from my limited exposure to them, so far), but it happened. And I'm happy to use that as an excuse to look over her filmography from time to time.

Everything here takes place in Berlin. We know this because there's a photo of some environment shown with the word "Berlin" on it. The plot, and it pains me to use that word, of this movie is all about a nasty Nazi (played by Ruby Larocca, billed here as Esmerelda DeLarocca) trying to make a young woman (Darian Caine) give her the secret to resurrecting the dead, which will allow her to bring a mummy back to life, and will also help in creating the Fourth Reich, apparently. The Nazi tortures her captive with a cunning blend of atrocious acting and lesbianism. Thankfully, Misty Mundae: Mummy Raider (played by, duh, Misty Mundae) is about to crash the party and rescue her friend. She does this by shooting guns and often removing her top, as a way to distract the villains, you understand. Once the lame action moments are out of the way, Mundae and Caine get their lesbian groove on, before then attempting to change DeLarocca with the power of lesbianism. And that's it. Oh, and lesbian sex, lesbian sex, lesbian sex. Just thought I'd emphasise what's being put onscreen as the main draw for any male viewers thinking about giving this a watch.

I've never fully understood the lure of a lot of pornography (although some of it has obvious appeal, aesthetically), but the one thing that has always completely boggled my mind is the insistence from dumb, horny men that being anywhere near two women making out with one another is the best thing ever. It can be nice enough to look at, granted, but why can't men just shake off the delusion that they'd somehow be able to join in with the fun and have the best time of their life. First of all, if women are having that kind of fun together then why would they want some clumsy guy trying to barge in and get his rocks off? Second, how awkward would the whole situation be after those happy two minutes had come and gone?

Anyway, I digress. I apologise. Believe me, this all keeps the review on a par with the movie. Despite IMDb listing a UK version that runs for 75 minutes, the movie that I saw ran for about 46 minutes and barely qualified as a feature. Consider the fact that 2 minutes, approximately, are taken up by the opening credits and the last 8 minutes or so repeats horribly edited highlights of what YOU'VE JUST WATCHED, followed by the end credits.

Fair play, I guess, to director Brian Paulin and writer Bruce G. Hallenbeck (who also has a main role in the movie as the father of Darian Caine's character). They saw a market and they created a product for it. But anyone wanting to see some terrible actresses get naked and fool around could do a lot better than this, a film so bad that I was distracted by labels on boxes that made up the scenery because they listed the contents as chicken pies, something I didn't know was a priority in the Berlin of old.

Absolutely everything, outwith the appeal of the female stars, is awful, from the soundtrack, to the action, to the appearance of one of the worst mummies to ever appear in a movie, to the editing, to the script. Everything. It gets a generous rating for the benefit of anyone easily pleased by a couple of scenes of lesbian sex.

3/10

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Emanuelle And The Last Cannibals (1977)

Well, this is a strange one to review. It's not really my cup of tea, but I can't deny that there was plenty here to keep me entertained throughout. It may have been lowest common denominator stuff, but I have never claimed to be above any of that. In fact, sometimes it's just what's needed.

Having said that, I don't really appreciate the blend here. I'm not a big fan of mixing gratuitous nudity and horribly unsexy fingerbanging with nasty gore moments showing cannibals chowing down on body parts that were never meant to be chowed down upon. I like erotica to be erotic and gory entertainment to be gory and rarely want the two elements mixed together. It can work sometimes, and there are people who enjoy this movie much more than I do, but I just like to keep them both away from one another, when it comes to my personal viewing choices.

Before I forget, let me mention the plot. There is one. Emanuelle (Laura Gemser) is a journalist who believes that she can track down an Amazonian tribe believed to no longer exist. She takes her information to Professor Mark Lester (Gabriele Tinti) and he decides to help, and accompany, her on her expedition. They also have sex. When they get overseas they meet some other people, some people have sex with people, and then there are cannibals. That's about it.

Directed, and co-written, by Joe D'Amato, this is an impressive piece of sleaze. Laura Gemser has many fans. I happen to think she's quite pretty, that's all, so her presence is a big bonus for many, and the gory moments include breasts being bitten, a nasty moment showing what we now commonly refer to as a "Bobbitt" and some guts being devoured.

Romano Scandariato is the other name credited with writing the script, though it's hard to imagine just how much effort was required to string together a number of sex scenes until things turn a lot bloodier for the grand finale.

The cast also includes Nieves Navarro (billed as Susan Scott), Monica Zanchi, Annamaria Clementi (as a nun, no less, just to keep ticking off those taboos), Donald O'Brien and Percy Hogan.

I'm glad that I finally saw this one, and I have a whole world of exploitation fare ahead of me that I have yet barely dipped into, but I won't be rushing to rewatch it and I don't know who I'd really recommend it to.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/EMANUELLE-LAST-CANNIBALS-Laura-Gemser-Damato-Uncut/dp/B002MAAH18/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378204734&sr=8-1&keywords=emanuelle+and+the+last+cannibals

The Telephone Book (1971)

Sarah Kennedy stars as Alice in this strange sex comedy/drama that follows her character around as she tries to find the greatest obscene phone caller in the world. He doesn't really want to be found, at least not immediately, and so Alice meets a variety of men who take quite a liking to her. These include adult film star Har Poon (Barry Morse), a lusty analyst (Roger C. Carmel) and, well, a mugger (Matthew Tobin).

Directed and written by Nelson Lyon, The Telephone Book is a typical example of the sex comedies that came about during, and after, the Swinging Sixties. Released in 1971, it may aim for a more artistic final product but it's really little more than a series of, admittedly amusing, vignettes strung together to form a narrative that's childish in its simplicity.

Kennedy is fine in the lead role, all big eyes, a big smile and willing to disrobe at any minute, while the males onscreen seem to enjoy playing a variety of sex-obsessives. Jill Clayburgh gets the only other female role of note, and steals a few scenes as "Eyemask", a character who is friends with Alice and almost always too busy enjoying some sexual shenanigans of her own to actually help in the hunt for the obscene caller. Speaking of the main man on the phone, he's played by James Harder (though his face is mostly covered by a mask) and is, thankfully, believable as someone who could be such a winning combination of rude and charming that his every obscene call is a huge success. The appearance of William Hickey, as someone who wakes up with a problem that just won't settle down, is another big plus.

There is, as you can probably gather from the premise, a lot of questionable stuff on display here. The treatment of the lead character is pretty shabby, made all the more uncomfortable to watch thanks to her youth and naivete. But it's easy enough to complain about how the movie treats women without stopping to think of how it treats/portrays men. The nicest man in the movie is an obscene phone caller, which I think tells you all that you need to know. Women may be seen as objects of desire, but all men are perverts and/or criminals in this cinematic landscape of unbiased gender defamation.

If the first 80 minutes didn't have enough titillation and crudity in there, don't worry. The last 10 minutes contains animation by Leonard Glasser that could be found in a dictionary beside the word subtle. And with that description, I mean that the definition of the word subtle could easily read: "the exact opposite of the animation by Leonard Glasser during the finale of The Telephone Book."

An interesting film to watch as a curio piece, The Telephone Book is one of many sex films that isn't sexy and features a fair bit of comedy that isn't funny, but it has just enough interesting moments to keep you interested and entertained throughout (with one highlight being the story of how the obscene phone caller found his calling), and will certainly appeal to fans of the bizarre.

6/10

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Casting Couch (2013)

Casting Couch is horrible, but there are minor moments here and there that are good. There's also a good mix of characters to provide some comedy. Unfortunately, that's all overshadowed by the horrible, horrible premise that could have worked if it was done in a way that was somehow more deftly dealt with and less . . . . . . . . . . . . sleazy.

Justin Smith plays Justin, a young man who wants to help his friend Chase Lockwood (Jason Lockhart) mend a broken heart. Of course, young men mend broken hearts by sleeping with as many attractive women as possible, but that's not always easy to arrange. Thankfully, Justin has a cunning plan. He wants to audition people for various roles in a movie that won't ever be made. It's all just a ruse to get the guys in close proximity with a number of beautiful women, many of whom will perform nudity if the role requires it.

As well as giving himself the leading role, Jason Lockhart was also the writer and director for this lacklustre bit of bawdiness. The presentation of the film just feels cheap, in the same way that so many other video diary/mockumentary movies can feel cheap when the framing device feels completely unnecessary. The script doesn't have any zingers in the dialogue, although there are one or two decent comedic moments that develop from the interaction and development of the characters, but this is unlikely to be the kind of film that people seek out for sparkling wit and ear-tickling monologues anyway.

Despite the fact that Lockhart isn't great as writer or director, I have to say that as an actor . . . . . . . he's also not great. The rest of the cast, for the most part, stay on his level and I'm not going to single anyone else out for praise or criticism. I think it's fair to stop the buck with Lockhart.

My rating here is generous, but I realise that my review may not have made things clear regarding just how disheartening this movie is and how it takes the dubious material and makes it worse. Never fear, IMDb is here to help. If you're wondering whether or not this movie is for you, here are the plot keywords added by users of the site to give people a feel for the film:

hot pants	girl stripped down to panties
female nudity	gender stereotype
asian stereotype	swimming in underwear
redhead	fake movie deal
pool party	aspiring actress
bra less	mock documentary
casting call	topless sunbathing
red panties	diva
red dress	gay stereotype
skinny dipping	topless female nudity
porn actress	film within a film
slut	sexism

And I think that's all the information you need.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Casting-Couch-Jason-Lockhart/dp/B00ANRG4A0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368724838&sr=8-1&keywords=casting+couch

Many, many reviews just like (and even including) this one appear in this book that I wrote.

The UK version can be bought here - http://www.amazon.co.uk/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_3?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1395945647&sr=1-3&keywords=movie+guide

And American folks can buy it here - http://www.amazon.com/TJs-Ramshackle-Movie-Guide-Reviews-ebook/dp/B00J9PLT6Q/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395945752&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=TJs+ramshackle+mov

As much as I love the rest of the world, I can't keep up with all of the different links in different territories, but trust me when I say that it should be there on your local Amazon.

The Virginity Hit (2010)

Found footage movies have already outstayed their welcome in the eyes of many and this irredeemable pile of crap will do nothing to convert those who have been turned off by the format. It's a proper pile of excreted waste, seriously, and I have no idea what Huck Botko and Andrew Gurland were thinking when they shared the writing and directing duties on it.

This is taken from the IMDb trivia page for the movie - Most of the cast recorded footage shown on-screen and ad-libbed their lines. That explains why there's not one funny line or moment in this alleged comedy. None of the young cast members have the personality or skill to make magic from their ad-lib opportunities and so the film simply meanders from one moment of mean-spirited unpleasantness to the next.

I don't mind mean-spirited unpleasantness. I just don't expect it to be the overriding aspect of any teen comedy that I choose to watch. I just couldn't tell what Botko and Gurland were aiming for. Was it a comedy that they'd forgotten to add any laughs to? A warning to all teenagers about the consequences of any risible behaviour in the time of the globe-spanning, reputation-harming, YouTube? A look at the dangers of peer pressure? Whatever they tried to do, they failed.

Matt (played by Matt Bennett) is the one lad, the last one of four friends, trying to lose his virginity and he wants it to be a special time with his girlfriend, Nicole (Nicole Weaver). Whenever a cherry is popped, if you'll pardon the expression, the friends all bring out a very special bong and take a hit from it, hence the title. But a startling revelation changes the plan and sets Matt on a determined quest to just lose the virginity that he now feels is clinging to him like a wet shirt.

The main friend trying to "help" Matt in his quest is Zack (played by Zack Pearlman - spotting the pattern with the names yet?). Zack is supposed to be a friend but all he seems to do is heap humiliation upon Matt at every opportunity, often thanks to his knack for recording every embarrassment as it happens. However, it would appear that Zack is the lesser of two evils when details of Matt's past are revealed as the movie progresses and it's in these moments that the movie takes another major mis-step. There's, once again, no comedy to be mined from the situations that unfold but there's also no goodwill or jubilance in the rare moments when Matt's friends actually help him because they're still all just a bunch of assholes.

There's no good way to look at this. Either the teens are being show as typical teens in an unusual situation, in which case this is an insult to the majority of all teenagers, or the company that the viewer is stuck with for the duration of the movie is made up of . . . . . . . well . . . . . . . assholes.

Fans of Sunny Leone, who is a star of numerous adult movies, will be pleased to see her appear onscreen for a short while, but she's one of the few highlights and, let's be completely honest here, if you're a fan of her work then you've already seen her in movies that showcase her talents far better than this one does. Which means that my low rating here is still somewhat generous, in my opinion.

2/10

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Risky Business (1983)

Risky Business is a teen sex comedy with a difference. The difference is that it's one of the smartest and funniest of the sub-genre, with the only one coming closest to it being the 2004 film, The Girl Next Door (which is, to all intents and purposes, a loose remake of this film). Don't misunderstand me, I love Heathers, Mean Girls and Clueless, but they're not teen sex comedies. Porky's is certainly a memorable teen sex comedy, and American Pie is great, but they're not as funny and smart as this one. Writer-director Paul Brickman made something special with this movie. Something that tapped into every male teenage fantasy and also every dream scenario for capitalists thriving in the early 1980s. He also made Phil Collins cool and sexy, which may well be his greatest feat.

Tom Cruise (post-uneven teeth, but pre-BIG time) stars as Joel Goodsen, a decent young man who is at a very important point in his life. He's trying to keep doing well at school, he's starting to think about university education and he spends a lot of time with his friends as they all pretend to be grown-ups, wise in the ways of the world. When his parents head off for a while, Joel is entrusted to look after the home and be a responsible young man. His good friend, Miles (Curtis Armstrong), thinks that Joel should have a little fun, and perhaps get himself laid. That is why he calls a hooker. This sets off a chain of events that will lead to Joel meeting the beautiful Lana (Rebecca De Mornay), the dangerous Guido (Joe Pantoliano) and even a more confident and entrepreneurial side of himself. To clarify, Lana is a prostitute, Guido is a pimp and Joel finds himself between the two. That's not a good place to be, but it could turn out to be surprisingly profitable.

Great characters, a great cast that also features small roles for Bronson Pinchot and Richard Masur, a fantastic soundtrack, some enjoyably sexy moments and a lot of fun make Risky Business absolutely unforgettable. Well, Rebecca De Mornay helps a lot (was she ever lovelier? I doubt it).

And this magic moment . . .

Yeah, that just happened. Good on Tom Cruise for watching that moment many years later, while recording the commentary track for the movie, and having no shame whatsoever. In fact, he even admits that he danced to that very song at home before making this movie. That's why the movie is so damn good, because it IS very real and honest, even as things get a bit more comedic and ridiculous. Every male reading this review today has done something that this movie will remind you of - whether it's the miming and dancing to classic rock, the first civilised meal for one when left home alone or the time spent as a teenager discussing sex, planning for sex and pretending to know all about sex - and it's great to look back and laugh at those moments. Joel may have a lot to learn, but he DOES learn as the movie unfolds, making it easier to laugh along with every moment while still rooting for him.

Perfectly paced and utilising a script that provides one or two memorable quotes in every scene, Risky Business is a near-perfect classic to me. It's astonishing that this was a feature debut from Brickman and it's saddening to see that he's only directed one other movie since this one. Thank goodness he got this made. I just hope that one or two others enjoy it as much as I do. If you haven't seen it yet, take a risk.

9/10

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Dr. Jekyll & Mistress Hyde (2003)

Sadly, this isn't a fun and cheeky riff on the classic Robert Louis Stevenson story (unlike Dr Jekyll & Sister Hyde). It's adult erotica that uses the essence of the tale to string together some scenes in which people have sexy times with each other. Usually women getting naughty with other women. There's a screenplay by Bruce G. Hallenbeck ("based on" the classic tale, of course) and I was about to dismiss his role immediately, but he does actually put some semblance of a storyline in the mix, even if it is hard to find sometimes.

A doctor (Julian Wells) is talking to an interviewer about her attempts to separate the pure from the lustful side of females. Meanwhile, her husband (Boz Tennyson) has sex with their maid (Ruby Larocca). things then move on to a scene that shows the good doctor dealing with one of her patients (played by popular adult movie starlet Misty Mundae), injecting her with a new serum and then they start to have sex. It's just all too lusty, however, and poor Misty Mundae is driven insane by her new, overworked sex drive. The doctor takes her own serum, transforming her into Heidi Hyde (not to be confused with the hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hiiii from "Minnie The Moocher"), and then wanders the streets, quickly bumping into a young woman she wants to have sex with (Misty Mundae once more). They have sex. Andrea Davis plays someone who joins them. For sex. People start to get a bit upset at each other, but it's okay because they soon have some more sex.

That's it then. Indeed, it's probably the lengthiest plot description I've ever written for a film of this kind. Director Tony Marsiglia makes sure that everything is erotic enough for those who enjoy such things, but keeps everything far removed from anything that would be deemed hardcore. It's all very softly lit and teasingly presented.

The actors and actresses involved don't do a great job, but who watches this stuff to stumble across a future Oscar winner? Misty Mundae is the star of the show, but Julian Wells is very attractive too. As for Ruby Larocca and Andrea Davis, well there was just too much flesh on display by the time their main scenes came around and I was just waiting for the credits to roll. No I hadn't gone blind, you cheeky monkeys.

The strange thing about this stuff is that it's never really worked for me. I find some of the women attractive, of course, but seeing them in carefully edited lovemaking montages just doesn't come high on my list of priorities. I have so many other things I'd prefer to do: watch better movies, read a good book, take the dog for a walk, etc. etc. etc.

People will mock me, and often do, for this viewpoint and they'll wonder why I watch such stuff if I have no interest in it. Well, Misty Mundae AKA Erin Brown has gone on to make a bit of an impact in the horror genre so that's the first reason. The second reason? As mentioned in my review of An Erotic Werewolf In London, morbid curiosity forces me to see if any of these soft-core porn parodies ever contain enough elements showing that they care one bit about the original material.

Let's face it, I may have hated this film, but it wasn't exactly torture to sit through. As ever with these movies, anyone thinking of watching the film for their own personal happy happy joy joy will probably want to add a point or two.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Jekyll-Mistress-Hyde-DVD/dp/B00009RS0Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1361703610&sr=1-1

Salo, Or The 120 Days Of Sodom (1975)

Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom is a very difficult movie to watch. VERY difficult. In fact, considering the nature of the material, those of you with a sensitive nature, those of you of a young age or even just those of you wanting to retain your lunch should probably read no further.

I've seen nasty films. Sometimes I watch them because it seems like an endurance test/rite of passage (such as these Guinea Pig movies). Yes, I know that's not the best reason to watch movies but it IS a reason and I always try to be honest about such things. Sometimes I watch them because I've been told to check them out while also being warned about their content (as was the case with the Red Room movies). And sometimes, of course, a movie just gains such a strong reputation that I must check it out (which happened with the highly disturbing but nonetheless very good A Serbian Film).

I'm not listing those films as some kind of badge of honour, oh no. Some of the nasty movies I have seen have been very good pieces of cinema, either for the way in which they make audiences think or the way in which they push at the very boundaries of good taste and acceptability. Some of the nasty movies I have seen have been rubbish (yes, I'm looking at you Faces Of Death).

Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom is rubbish, as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure that people are able to defend it as art, as a metaphor for the cruelty inflicted upon so many during WWII and as so much else but to me it was, and always will be, rubbish.

Set in a Fascist-occupied area of Italy, the film focuses on a number of men who collaborate with each other, and a few female prostitutes, to pick nine boys and nine girls and take them to their private residence, where stories will be told for the sole purpose of sexual arousal and the boys and girls will be degraded, sexually abused and even killed. In between the nastier moments of abuse there are stomach-churning tales mixed with poetic verses, a few jokes and musings on the nature of sex and love and life and death.

Writer-director Pier Paolo Pasolini (the screenplay was co-written by Sergio Citti and takes a lot from the works of the Marquis De Sade) didn't do anything by half here. The movie may start off feeling more restrained but there's actually debauchery, evil and lust dripping from almost every frame.

It's a credit to the cast that they all do a great job. Those playing the male abusers (Paolo Bonacelli, Giorgio Cataldi, Umberto Paolo Quintavalle and Aldo Valletti) were very easy to hate and those being abused were fragile beings that I willed to escape the madhouse they were trapped in.

There's also the music by Ennio Morricone to enjoy. Yes, the one and only Ennio Morricone. This certainly wasn't an easy job for him but he did what was required.

To be fair, despite my view on the final product, a number of reports from those involved with the film say that the mood on set was quite lighthearted and that the whole thing was really put together in the editing room so, in that respect, credit where credit is due on the technical front.

I just can't rate this highly. Some regard it as a classic and I must be missing something. I saw a number of clumsy metaphors onscreen but nothing that really made me think, especially while my stomach was being churned by what I was seeing.

So, to go back to what I was saying at the very beginning. I have seen my share of very nasty movies. I am not easily offended. I'll see more nasty movies in the future, no doubt. But I won't ever rewatch this one, it just didn't work for me at all and nobody will ever convince me to change my mind (though I encourage anyone to try).

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Salo-Blu-ray-Pier-Paolo-Pasolini/dp/B004ZQJ3MG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346616776&sr=8-1

Let's talk about sex.

The other evening I turned to my wife and I said the following, bizarre, sentence. "No, I'm not going to bother with A Wet Dream On Elm Street or The Human Sexipede as they are just full-on hardcore porn with nothing worth actually reviewing in them".
My wife laughed and said that I just gave her another reminder of why she loved me. I was the type of guy who DIDN'T watch porn, even when given the choice.

That's not strictly true and I wanted to take a moment to address the issue here. This blog, and most of my reviews at Flickfeast and on IMDb, covers almost every form of movie. You may dislike some of those films but I won't shy away from the likes of A Serbian Film or Slaughtered Vomit Dolls, to name just two of the more extreme examples. I think movies can entertain, can make us happy, can make us think, can scare us, can arouse us, can make us cry and can do many, many things. They can also push at the boundaries, sometimes being rejected by people and sometimes rearranging those boundaries thanks to some skill and good timing. A lot of those boundaries, nowadays and in the past, seem to want to keep us all away from sex. Why? It's NOT unhealthy to enjoy sex and an open attitude to sex. Indeed, my own interpretation of A Serbian Film was to view it as a warning that complete repression is just as bad as complete freedom. I have viewed, and occasionally still view, pornography. Of course, if asked while out and about in polite society most of us deny such things but we know it goes on. Behind closed doors. In privacy. Sometimes with a selection of moist towelettes. Or not. That last part was a joke. Honest, mum.

Yet the world of the adult movie, in the context of both the"skin flick" and the horror movie, has often helped to keep money coming in when other types of entertainment have failed. Which is why I will often make space and time here for something either as culturally impactful as Deep Throat or as cheap and cheerful as Cleavagefield. I really didn't enjoy sitting through An Erotic Werewolf In London (yeah, yeah, I know that you're rolling your eyes in disbelief now) but I wanted to see just how much parody would make up the final product - pretty much none, as it turned out - and also think that the filmography of Erin Brown AKA Misty Mundae is now of some significance to fans who have seen her move into the horror genre.

If I thought I could bring anything extra to the table, or if I had any specialist knowledge of the subject, then I would include the movies that I dismissed the other day. But I don't. So this post is just to reassure everyone that while I use my movie viewing and reviewing habit as an excuse to watch I just don't have the time or energy to watch pornography. Hopefully, you will still find the odd title reviewed here that many offend you (including the sensual but sick Singapore Sling - highly recommended) but I won't ever just talk about something that has sex and nothing more to it.*

Stay sexy, people.

*Fans of pornography will argue that some of it can be crafted with skill and artistry, I am speaking in a very general manner.

Oh, you might want to avoid this blog whenever I finally start to make my way through my Russ Meyer boxset though.

Slow Torture Puke Chamber (2010)

*****WARNING: If you turned your nose up at the post title then just ignore this entire review*****

Well, the "Vomit Gore Trilogy" from Lucifer Valentine comes to a close with this film, thus bringing me to the end of three film viewings that I hope never to repeat in my life. Each film has featured a mix of stomach-churning moments with other stuff that's just trying too hard to shock but they're also very successful at provoking an extreme reaction (I looked away on a couple of occasions and had to fight back the urge to throw up - in what would have been, surely, a grand piece of audience participation).

Once again, I'd have to warn most people away from this one. None but the most foolhardy or the most immovable should even attempt to watch this film.

Once again, there's no definite plot although the whole trilogy purports to be the vivid hallucinations/nightmares of a young woman so the content you get this time includes vomit, abuse, watersports, vomit, infanticide, sexual abuse and vomit. Pretty much the same as the preceding film then, except it's not quite as unrelentingly extreme in what it depicts.

In fact, with the first couple of minutes taken up by warnings (a statement from actress Hope Likens followed by a general "do not enter if possibly offended by anything" notice) this film, strangely enough, seems to suffer slightly by not really sticking to what it does best. The more shocking moments this time around are so fake that they're not really shocking and the whole thing teeters on the brink of complete absurdity. Of course, critics would probably say that about the entire trilogy but the second film at least contained astounding courage in every frame from beginning to end. Slow Torture Puke Chamber sees the whole thing end with a whimper rather than a bang.

There are moments here that are almost effective, the narration from the central character contains some of the best writing of the trilogy, but when viewers have been worn down by the first two movies a different approach is required to make the finale an effective one. Things either have to go even further than you could ever envisage or Lucifer Valentine needs to surprise audiences by presenting things in a completely different style. The fact that this film simply provides more of the same, only in a slightly tamer style, is the biggest failing and one that leaves you with something disappointingly pointless.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Slow-Torture-Puke-Chamber-Likens/dp/B003NFM3PE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337853400&sr=8-1
 

ReGOREgitated Sacrifice (2008)

Okay, if you're easily offended then stop reading this review now. Go on. Just go away and read any of my other reviews instead.
If you're made of stronger stuff but still find yourself offended occasionally then stop reading this review now. Yes, that may mean you even if you've seen a couple of video nasties and survived the ordeal. Just leave.
Anyone sticking with this review should know that while watching ReGOREgitated Sacrifice I literally cried out "holy fuckballs" on more than one occasion, I almost vomited and I kept looking around to make sure that nobody saw me watching it, even though I was in the flat alone. It's wild, to say the least.

This is the second part of Lucifer Valentine's "Vomit Gore Trilogy", coming after the painful Slaughtered Vomit Dolls and it's quite a step up in quality. I didn't like Slaughtered Vomit Dolls. In fact, I pretty much hated it. I can't say that I "liked" ReGOREgitated Sacrifice all that much either, but kudos to Lucifer Valentine for going all the way to the edge with his extreme vision and producing such a balls to the wall piece sure to get a reaction from even the most hardcore gore fan.

Once again we get the strange and twisted delusions of a young woman (Ameara Lavey) put on film but this really ups the ante in terms of what's shown and how technically accomplished it is. There's abuse, vomit, people spitting on each other, watersports, more abuse, decapitation, vomit, a pair of beautiful but dangerous twin sisters, graphic sexual torture, more vomit, a moment with a bigass hairy spider that deeply unnerved me. And more vomit.

You will want to look away but you'll also be morbidly mesmerised by just how far things go onscreen. The effects throughout are fantastic, which makes everything altogether more disturbing. There are many sights here that I've never seen before and that I can now never unsee. That, in itself, isn't a ringing endorsement for the whole experience but it certainly highlights Lucifer Valentine as someone pushing the envelope in terms of taboo material and stomach-churning moments.

I can't rate this highly though, I didn't enjoy the viewing experience and I'll never watch it again, but I will say that my low rating is still double the rating that I gave Slaughtered Vomit Dolls and that my strong reaction to this film is, in a way, proof that Lucifer Valentine is doing exactly what he sets out to do. God only knows how I'm going to feel after I see Slow Torture Puke Chamber.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/ReGOREgitated-Sacrifice-Ameara-La-Vey/dp/B0031QMAFS

Black Devil Doll (2007)

Silly me, thinking this was a remake/reimagining/re-whatever of Black Devil Doll From Hell when the two films couldn't be more different. That movie was all about a black doll that swore and had sex with a woman and then drove her wild with passion and sin that she couldn't get back under control. This movie is all about a black doll that swears a lot and has sex with lots of big breasted white women. The two couldn't be more different.

Heather (played by the voluptuous Heather Murphy) is bored at home and starts to play around with a ouija board. Seconds later, she has called a black devil doll to her and, after some small talk, the two get jiggy. With a large appetitie to satisfy, the black devil doll convinces Heather to invite some of her friends round and then give him time alone to work his magic.

Actually, Black Devil Doll IS a very different experience from its awful cinematic ancestor thanks to one saving grace - a huge helping of humour.

The screenplay by Mitch Mayes and Shawn Lewis is profane, offensive and stupid. Which means that it's also very, very funny if you are the kind of person who can just go along with a gag, no matter how far it goes and how ridiculous it gets.

Director Jonathan Louis Lewis is more interested in titillation and giggles than any attempt at serious nastiness and he mixes in some messy death scenes with plenty of gratuitous nudity and lingering shots of top-heavy women unaware that a black doll is wanting to have his wicked way with them.

Heather Murphy has the main role and, despite how silly the central concept is, she's both easy on the eye and quite sweet, a bit of a ditzy girl who finds herself ordered around by a foul-mouthed doll. Natasha Talonz, Christine Svendsen, Erika Branich and Precious Cox (yeah, I'm also assuming that these aren't all real names) may not be the best actresses in the world but they are willing to engage in a spontaneous carwashing moment and also spend a lot of time ogling and touching each others chests. This means that they are all wonderful actresses who give their all for the sake of the project so I won't hear any criticism of their performances. Martin Boone and Gregory Solis also appear onscreen but if I said I enjoyed their onscreen moments interrupting the ladies doing what they do best then I'd be lying.

Obviously this isn't one to watch on a Sunday afternoon with the family visiting but it is something you can enjoy for a few giggles before going on to deny that you'd ever watch such nonsense. I watched it, I enjoyed it and I presumed I would never watch it again. Yet I AM tempted to pick up the DVD. Damn that black devil doll.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Black-Devil-Doll-Uncensored-extras/dp/B006DHBJMC/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1337376781&sr=8-2

Porn Shoot Massacre (2009)

Are you kidding me right now? How could I NOT want to see this movie once I'd heard of that ridiculous title? It seemed like it paired up two of my favourite things - horror movies and gratuitous nudity - and I knew that I had to check it out, even if I was setting myself up for inevitable disappointment.

But hold up, I wasn't actually disappointed. That's not to say that the movie is good, by any means, but it is a fun film that throws in a number of death scenes and . . . . . . . . . . . gratuitous nudity. Yayyyyyy. The audio and camerawork may be erratic but at least this movie delivers upon the promise of that title.

The plot is all about . . . . . . . wait, didn't you just read the title above? That is the plot. That's it. An "artistic" director named Malfini (Robert Ambrose) wants to make the ultimate adult movie so he hires a bunch of starlets to do what they do best while he films everything. Unfortunately, people tend to wander off and get killed after their scenes are filmed.

The acting isn't great here, as you'd probably expect, but Robert Ambrose is at least pretty funny as the eccentric director trying to realise his vision. The ladies include the gorgeous Cassandra St. James, Kasey Poteet, Naomi Cruise, Lynette A. Nechayeva, Shelly Martinez, Liana Mendoza and the guys include . . . . . . . . . . oh, I'm not going to sit here and pretend I noticed. Okay, Ambrose I've already mentioned and Nick Machado is another actor involved. I doubt I'll recall anyone if they ever appear in any future releases but they all turned up and did what was asked of them.

The one thing that I should have made clear earlier, sorry for those of you getting the wrong impression, is that Porn Shoot Massacre isn't actually a sex-filled adult movie or a disturbing horror film. It's a horror comedy with a fair smattering of nudity throughout and entertains if you're after something undemanding and full of women who don't care about legal terms like "no nudity clause".

The script by Antonio Hernandez and the direction by Corbin Timbrook are both tolerable, at best, but the whole thing has a sense of fun and self-awareness that makes it all slightly more enjoyable than it otherwise would be. The nudity helps, of course, and there's also a midget amongst the roster of onscreen characters so at least the film avoids the cardinal sin of being dull. Add enough alcohol to your viewing experience and you might just end up enjoying it.

4/10

http://www.amazon.com/Porn-Shoot-Massacre-Shelly-Martinez/dp/B001M45OBS