Titanic II (2010)

It's another cannily-titled cash-in from our friends at The Asylum and if you can't guess the movie they're hoping to emulate then perhaps you deserve to be forced into watching the thing. But, before I get carried away with easy mockery and insults, I must just say that this is far from the worst of the movies to come from The Asylum. In fact, it's actually almost good though these films always lose a few points for the cynical way that sees them being created in the first place.

The Titanic II is a ship (hence the title, this is NOT a sequel to James Cameron's Titanic) that is due to travel on the same journey as the original Titanic did exactly one hundred years previously. If you're superstitious then you may not want to get on the ship but plenty of people (desperate actors, desperate wannabe models and out-of-work service staff, by the looks of things) throw caution to the wind and grab themselves a ticket. Well, of all the unlikely and unfortunate events to occur, a huge ice shelf breaks off many miles away and sends a tsunami wave towards the ship. There are also big blocks of ice that may cause quite a bit of damage. Oh, and another wave is due to head their way that's even bigger.

Directed and written by Shane Van Dyke (son of Barry Van Dyke and grandson of Dick Van Dyke), Titanic II actually does what it sets out to do fairly well. It sets up the main characters, sketches out the leanest of backstories, throws onscreen a load of disposable victims and gets the threat developed as quickly as possible. The FX work is disappointing but also an improvement on past works from the studio.

Shane Van Dyke also takes one of the main roles and he's not too bad. Okay, nobody is too great either but I'd have to concede that the acting here is also an improvement over past efforts from The Asylum. Marie Westbrook and Michelle Glavan aren't the best actresses but are likeable enough as the destruction threatens them at every turn. Brooke Burns is also okay and Bruce Davison deserves better at this stage in his career but works well with what he's given. Everyone else overacts appropriately and gets to throw themselves around as the camera tilts and judders to simulate the effects of a ship being battered in the middle of the ocean.

If you're after something that's of proper movie quality and measured by the standards of fare that can get into the local multiplex then look elsewhere. But if you're after something that's enjoyable enough while it passes the time, laughable in places, cheap and cheerful throughout and amusingly ridiculous then you could do a lot worse than watching this film.

4/10

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Attack Force (2006)

Barely, and I do mean just BARELY, ahead of Ticker, this Steven Seagal movie was a pain to sit through and seemed to drag on forever and ever. It has almost no redeeming qualities and is one of the very worst in his entire filmography, which is really saying something.


But, before going any further, I shall be fair to the film and share this titbit from IMDb trivia - "Screenwriter 'Joe Halpin' is quoted in the book "Seagalogy: The Ass Kicking Films of Steven Seagal" as saying that Attack Force had originally been written and filmed as "Harvester," a sci-fi/horror movie with Seagal and his men battling an invading force of vampire space aliens. After Seagal, Halpin and director Michael Keusch had delivered the finished sci-fi film, the production and distribution company decided to eliminate the sci-fi space-alien elements and replace them with another plot having about a super-addictive drug that turns its users into superhuman killers. They called back a few of the lower-paid actors for re-shoots, re-dubbed the majority of Seagal's dialog via ADR, totally re-edited the film and changed it into the Attack Force we know today. Seagal and Halpin were not involved."

That means that the blame for this pile of drivel cannot be entirely placed on the shoulders of Seagal (who co-wrote as well as starred in the thing), director Michael Keusch or Joe Halpin (who came up with the story idea and co-wrote the screenplay with Seagal). There is a lot of terrible dubbing throughout, the plot is a dull and meandering mess and there isn't any great action to keep fans happy.

But the guys named above can still share some of the blame because, surely, a lot of the scenes that they created are still in the movie and none of them are any good. At all.

Lisa Lovbrand, David Kennedy, Matthew Chambers, Danny Webb and a number of other people embarrass themselves onscreen in this nonsense about Seagal and his pals taking on a bunch of super-soldiers. My attention was only ever held when the lovely Ileana Lazariuc was onscreen (and if she'd had more screentime the film may have managed to almost double up to a 3/10 rating).

Sadly, despite the troubled background of the film, audiences can only judge events onscreen by what they're given and, at the risk of repeating myself, all that is on show here is terrible dubbing, a dull and nonsensical plot and a distinct lack of action to even keep undemanding action fans happy.

An absolute, indefensible stinker.

2/10

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Rio Rita (1942)

The first of three pictures that Abbott & Costello made with MGM, who managed to negotiate a deal with Universal that allowed them to "borrow" the stars for a while, Rio Rita is a huge disappointment and one of the weaker films from the duo. One or two decent comedy routines aside, there is very little on display here to really keep anyone genuinely entertained.

Bud and Lou lose another job and end up hiding in a car boot that they believe is heading towards New York. Unbeknownst to them, the driver turns around and they eventually end up at a hotel on the Mexican border, where they get to cause their usual brand of mayhem while also running in to a group of dangerous Nazi spies.

Directed by S. Sylvan Simon, with a screenplay by Richard Connell, Gladys Lehman and (surprise) John Grant, there are very few scenes in Rio Rita that aren't flat or just flat out terrible. Kathryn Grayson is one of the few highlights as Rita Winslow, Patricia Dane is very good as Lucette Brunswick and John Carroll is okay as Ricardo Montera but the characters aren't all that interesting or likeable. The situations they get involved in don't really hold viewer interest until the last fifteen minutes or so and, to add insult to injury, there are also a number of horrid songs scattered throughout. "The Ranger's Song" is so dire and laughable that it almost seems like something from a Monty Python sketch. But it isn't. Sadly, that's the best of the lot.

There's at least some fun to be had when Abbott & Costello just get the screen to themselves and play around with one or two comedy routines. You can laugh at the duo being stuck in a car that's too far from ground level, enjoy a misunderstanding of the phrase "I've got twenty, too" and, best of all, watch the two almost at their very best in the ridiculous scene in which someone bets that they can guess which numbered girl (from a line up) is kissed by whoever puts their money on the table.

Despite those few enjoyable sequences, there's just not enough here to make me ever want to see this film again and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone but the most die-hard fans of A & C.

4/10

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Smokey And The Bandit 3 (1983)

It's a shame when people just can't leave things be and end up diluting something that was, if not great, at least very enjoyable. At this time of writing there have been 3 cinema releases with the Smokey & The Bandit name attached and a number of TV movies (that I haven't been brave enough to track down and endure yet). But things should have been left alone after the first two movies.

This third outing decides to focus on Sheriff Buford T. Justice (once again played by Jackie Gleason) and his son (once again played by Mike Henry). The sheriff is due to retire but finds that the relaxation and lack of challenge doesn't really suit him so he ends up accepting a challenge from Big Enos and Little Enos (Pat McCormick and Paul Williams returning) that involves getting from A to B within a certain time limit. There's $250, 000 to be won but if the sheriff loses he has to hand over his beloved badge. Of course, as soon as the sheriff sets off on his journey the dirty tricks begin.

Directed by Dick Lowry, and written by Stuart Birnbaum and David Dashey, this movie just lacks any of the charm of the first two movies and really becomes nothing more than a few car chase sequences with little to no real reason for them and with the premise that unfolds I don't blame anyone who watches the movie and actually feels cheated. Because it IS a cheat. Okay, detractors of the first two movies may easily dismiss those as nothing more than a few cas chase sequences with little to no real reason for them either but I'd argue that those movies had a little bit more going on beneath the surface. Well, the second film certainly did. And there was real warmth and affection there. Sadly, this film feels like the cynical cash-in it so clearly is.

Jackie Gleason is enjoyable enough once more, as is Mike Henry, but nobody else really fares all that well. The antics of Big Enos and Little Enos seem pointless and irritating, Jerry Reed returns but you can't help feeling that he should have stayed away from this outing. And Burt Reynolds makes a very brief appearance, most of it in flashback form. Colleen Camp is an enjoyable female presence, it's a shame she didn't get better material to work with.

If you love the first two then you may feel the urge to see this one but I ask you to battle that urge and hold on to the first two movies as THE definitive adventures of Smokey & The Bandit.

4/10

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Smokey And The Bandit II (1980)

I know that I can often be sarcastic in my reviews. I can also sometimes be apologetic. There are moments of anger and occasional moments of rambling nonsense (okay, let's be honest, there are more than occasional moments of rambling nonsense . . . . . . . . . it's actually my preferred writing style). But I hope that people don't mistake the following for sarcasm or nonsense or even something that I'm going to apologise for. Smokey & The Bandit II is a bloody good movie, slightly superior to the first film and just a whole load of laughs in the company of great characters.

All of the main characters return, though not in exactly the same condition. Burt Reynolds is The Bandit, Jerry Reed is Cledus AKA The Snowman, Sally Field is Carrie AKA Frog, Jackie Gleason is Sheriff Buford T. Justice and Mike Henry is the witless Junior. Even Big Enos (Pat McCormick) and Little Enos (Paul Williams) return, if only to start things off with a job offer. Nobody wants alcohol moved this time. It's something much bigger than that. And much livelier.

Hal Needham is back in the director's chair and actually shows some skill he would seem to have hidden away for the majority of his career. The car stunts and action are, as you would expect, competently handled but this has a lot more to it than JUST fast cars and a load of chuckles.

The Bandit enjoyed showing off, he loved doing what he was best at, and he was/is very famous because of it. But that fame has changed him in ways that he doesn't want to inspect too closely and certainly doesn't want to admit to. He's been surrounded by the adoring fans, he released the unsuccessful song, he was a name synonymous with legendary deeds. And then he wasn't. The Bandit is stuck in a sad place, wanting to reclaim former glories while random people feel the need to tell him just what an asshole they think he is. And when he grabs an outspoken guy to try and show him the error of his ways, holding the man by the collar and insisting that he is an American sweetheart and a lovely guy and that everyone loves him, it's hard not to think of the reaction that any famous person can have when the fame, and the fandom, starts to dwindle. It's hard not to think that The Bandit is voicing something every actor could be tempted to yell out at one point. In fact, it's hard not to think that The Bandit is just saying something that Burt Reynolds himself may have felt at one time or another.

Perhaps I'm reading too much into the whole thing. Everything else in the movie is just fantastic, simplistic entertainment. Jackie Gleason, once again, gets all of the best lines and moments as the exasperated sheriff. Reynolds, Reed and Field all get on well and are joined by Dom DeLuise, giving a fun performance. And there's a finale that puts The Bandit in the heart of a scenario he almost yearns for before showcasing some truly excellent stuntwork with cars and big trucks. Many of the bigger stunts are "gags" but they're still impressive and you get a real feeling of danger from this mad display of demented driving. It was great to watch when I was a young lad and, although I had my reservations, it's just as great to watch now.

8/10

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Smokey And The Bandit (1977)

I don't think it's unfair of me to start this review by saying that Hal Needham isn't really a great director. His background in stunt work showed through more than any technical aptitude or eye for any great moments of pure cinema but I also don't think it's unfair to say that he created some filmic fun while having plenty of laughs with regular star Burt Reynolds (who takes the lead in this movie, the sequel, the two Cannonball Run films and also Hooper). Smokey And The Bandit kept me entertained when I was a lad and my tastes were simpler and unrefined. It's a crude, juvenile film moving from one car stunt to the next and yet it remains entertaining in a way that makes you remember how you piled up all of your toy cars as a kid and got shouted at from your parents when they stood on a displaced wheel or side door.

Burt Reynolds is The Bandit, aided and abetted by his mate Cledus AKA The Snowman (Jerry Reed). The Bandit has accepted a bet to pick up and deliver a trailer full of beer over county lines within a pretty tight time limit. He will distract the police and scout ahead while Cledus drives the truck. Things get trickier when The Bandit picks up a runaway bride (Sally Field) and doesn't realise that she is being pursued by the jilted groom (Junior, played by Mike Henry) and, more importantly, his father (Sheriff Buford T. Justice, played brilliantly by Jackie Gleason). It's full pedal to the metal as The Bandit and The Snowman (with Frog now in their group) try to stay one step ahead of every Smokey on the route.

When I was a young lad the things I liked about Smokey & The Bandit were the following:
1) The Pontiac Trans Am, which (I thought at the time) was the best, coolest, fastest car ever.
2) The banter between Reynolds, Reed and Field.
3) Any scene with Sheriff Buford T. Justice being made to look foolish and berating his dumb son.
4) The dog that was sharing the truck cab with The Snowman.
5) The car stunts.
6) Little Enos (Paul Williams) and Big Enos (Pat McCormick).

But now I'm older, a man of the world with different tastes and an appreciation of finer cinematic fare. So, is there anything to like about it now? Well, the direction by Needham and the script, based on a story co-written by Needham and then developed by a few different folk, remain as disposable as I thought they were before I'd reached my teens. Yet the rest still works. I still love the car, though I now realise that it's not the best, coolest OR fastest. The banter is still fun. Sheriff Buford T. Justice is still a highlight, though I have no idea who the hell came up with lines like the following: "There's no way, no way that you came from my loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!"
The dog is still sweet, the car stunts are still enjoyable and sometimes impressive and the interaction between Little Enos and Big Enos is still amusing.

Which means that, all in all, I still enjoy Smokey & The Bandit for all of the same reasons that I used to enjoy it. It's held up surprisingly well, better than The Cannonball Run (for example), and remains a fun chase movie with Burt being a superstar and the stuntwork with cars, bikes and big trucks making up most of the better moments.

7/10

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Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

Within the first 10-15 minutes of the fourth Toxic Avenger movie we get to "enjoy" a gang known as the Diaper Mafia crashing into a classroom full of "special young adults" and laying waste to as many as possible. There's bloodshed, gratuitous nudity, a sickening amount of bodily functions and an absolute lack of anything that even comes close to being politically correct. And so I knew that I was going to enjoy this film a lot more than the third movie.

The Toxic Avenger (David Mattey) this time ends up in Amortville, the evil alternate version of Tromaville, while his place in Tromaville is taken by The Noxious Offender (David Mattey). Good ol' Toxie tries to put right a number of wrongs and find his way home while The Noxious Offender blackens the good name of our herois monster by doing horrid things like ripping the arms off the police chief and quickly reducing the population of Tromaville by means of violent death. He also thinks himself lucky when he eventually finds his way back to the trailer that Toxie calls home, complete with the blind, and now pregnant, wife (played this time by Heidi Sjursen).

Lloyd Kaufman directs this outing on his own but there are a LOT of people responsible for the script, which shows in the sheer amount of rapid-fire tasteless gags, references to other movies and unsubtle satire. Amazingly, it all comes together to produce something that's just a whole lot of shits and giggles (and, yes, that comment can be taken almost literally).

While I didn't really enjoy the fact that so many fart sound effects were placed all over the soundtrack and while I didn't always like the focus on moments featuring faeces, sexual abuse or ejaculations I was never bored and was actually laughing from beginning to end. Admittedly, even someone as thick-skinned as I am couldn't quite believe how far flung from the PC world we inhabit the Troma crew had gone but it's as refreshing to find nowadays as it is juvenile and objectionable.

The cast all either play dumb or get nekkid (or both) with gleeful abandon and there are a number of cameo roles for people like Lemmy (who snagged himself a better role in Tromeo & Juliet but has some fun lines here), Corey Feldman, Ron Jeremy and James Gunn.

If you're a Troma fan who also happens to love films like The Wizard Of Oz and Citizen Kane then you may well love this. If you're a fan of proper cinema who happens to love the aforementioned movies and has never seen two babies in a womb fighting each other with mops then you may well want to avoid this for the duration of your entire life.

6/10.

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The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation Of Toxie (1989)

Well, the third outing for our monstrous hero is just more of the same nonsense but with a little less gratuitous nudity and over the top violence when compared to the preceding two movies. Considering the amount of footage recycled, and the time spent making references to the past, it's a shame that the actual sex and violence content is the only thing it doesn't really have in abundance. That's not usually a comment that I'd start a review with, and it's certainly not the only thing I look for in a movie (despite what you may think of me), but this is a Troma film. And watching a Troma movie without plenty of over the top violence and gratuitous nudity is like being given a pack of non-alcoholic beers for Christmas: it would appear to be the same thing but when you get to the contents you notice how much weaker it is and how it just doesn't have the same effect.

Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman once again share the directing duties while Kaufman also has a hand in the inane screenplay. Most of the people who were in the second movie return, which is probably more due to the fact that this was made up of half the footage shot for that movie than any concern for actual continuity. The Toxic Avenger is played, once again, by Ron Fazio with a dollop of footage featuring John Altamura. Phoebe Legere is blind Claire once again. From the rest of the cast, the only three that make any impression are Lisa Gaye as Malfaire, Jessica Dublin as Mrs. Junko and Rick Collins as the leader of the horrid Apocalypse, Inc.

The emphasis this time around is on more of the dumb comedy than insane fight sequences and that's a great shame. The comedy of Troma films could never be called great but it often works as part of an assault on your senses that includes all kinds of gross FX moments, sleazy criminals up to sleazy crimes, random nudity and plenty of unrealistic blood and guts being spilt. Sadly, it doesn't work quite so well when it's the main aspect of the movie.

If you liked the first two movies, and you like the character, then you'll still have some fun with this film but it's a step down from the first two films. And, let's face it, they didn't really rank that highly except when elevated by the combination of my deadened braincells and some goodwill.

4/10.

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Mercenary For Justice (2006)

You know this kind of movie, you've seen it a number of times before. A bunch of people (this time they're led by Buddha Christ Theresa himself, Steven Seagal) have to do a job for someone they don't really want to work for. It's a dirty business that they're in and rules get broken while blood gets shed. But remember this one thing, these are the good guys - even when they have to do some lawbreaking. That's the basic outline of Mercenary For Justice, another in a long line of Seagal stinkers that ended up being available on the bargain shelves of your local movie rental emporium. Sadly, you don't actually care about anyone onscreen and that's why this film just doesn't work even half as well as the many that it attempts to copy.

Director Don E. FauntLeRoy returns to traumatise audiences with horribly lazy and shambolic work, this time using a script by Steve Collins and a whole host of uncredited folk (including, unsurprisingly enough, Seagal himself), and he makes something even worse than Today You Die but keeps things moving briskly enough to keep just ahead of the very worst films that have featured his wooden star.

The cast are a real mixed bag. Seagal is as he always is. Luke Goss does surprisingly well with a standard "baddie" role. Jacqueline Lord is okay, Roger Guenveur Smith does his very best to eradicate the goodwill gained by his small role in Final Destination (the last thing I remember him from though he has quite an extensive filmography), Michael Kenneth Williams almost gets out of the whole thing with his dignity intact and Adrian Galley is on hand to be big and full of muscle - job done.

The action isn't all that great but the standard fakery and one-upmanship that this kind of movie utilises is present and correct. It's all quite predictable and very easy to follow but it does help keep things mildly entertaining as things move from a frantic and unbelievable beginning to a frantic and unbelievable finale. Seagal fans still have nothing here to reward their long-term support of the man but at least this isn't one of his very worst.

4/10.

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Ride 'Em Cowboy (1942)

Really, if you can't read the title of this Abbott & Costello movie and figure out just what kind of situation(s) they're going to end up in then you clearly haven't seen any of their first few movies. The boys are a couple of vendors who end up hotfooting it to some proper cowboy & indian territory. Then Lou accidentally fires an arrow through a tepee that means he should marry the lady within, there are a few musical numbers, some comedy stuntwork on lively horses and some amusing moments and misunderstandings with animals. There's a limp plot about Bronco Bob Mitchell (Dick Foran returning after his stint in Keep 'Em Flying) not really being a cowboy and trying to put things right with a lovely woman (Anne Gwynne) but there is also some enjoyable wordplay and the film debut of Ella Fitzgerald, who provides the two musical moments that are actually decent as opposed to the weak numbers sung by Foran or 'The Merry Macs'.

Arthur Lubin is once again in the director's chair and everyone knows the drill by now. The lads are introduced, there's a bit of wisecracking in between the set-up material, and then it's on to the adventures. The screenplay by True Boardman and John Grant is fine but the movie, perhaps surprisingly for those used to the style of the duo, works better in the physical moments than it does with the verbal exchanges. Lou trying to milk a cow provides plenty of laughs, though there are plenty of misunderstood phrases helping things along there, while an unexpected horse ride and an eventful chase sequence during the finale really stand out as great set-pieces. It's just a shame that the rest of the film didn't hit the same heights.

A & C are as good as ever (or as bad as ever, if you don't like them then you're not going to find anything here to change your mind), Dick Foran is okay but a bit too bland this time around and Anne Gwynne is very easy to like. But it's Ella Fitzgerald who stays in the memory after the credits have rolled, with her energy and her great voice. I'd say that fans of the lady should, despite her limited screentime, add a point to my final rating.

6/10.

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Keep 'Em Flying (1941)

It was obviously only a matter of time. Buck Privates had Abbott & Costello in the army and was quite the hit. In The Navy had the boys in the navy, funnily enough, and was exactly what people seemed to want at the time. Keep 'Em Flying, for those of you who haven't yet guessed, puts our comedy duo in the air corps. They're friends with a daring, but sometimes thoughtless, pilot named Jinx Roberts (Dick Foran) and this means that they get to help and hinder love lives, put each other in dangerous situations and have some amusingly confusing moments with twins Gloria and Barbara Phelps (both played by the sassy Martha Raye).

Falling almost slap bang in the middle of their army and navy adventures, Keep 'Em Flying has some decent comedy throughout and includes some nice aerial stuntwork. The scenes featuring Bud, Lou and both incarnations of Martha Raye are definite highlights and even the few musical numbers interspersed throughout the movie actually provide entertainment as opposed to irritation. William Gargan isn't too bad as Craig Morrison, the trainer who has quite a history with Jinx, and Carol Bruce makes for an attractive and appealing love interest for our plucky pilot.

Arthur Lubin directs the action once more, and works from a capable script by True Boardman, Nat Perrin and John Grant. The lack of consistent hilarity is compensated for by some solid adventure moments (or, in the case of Lou stuck on a runaway torpedo, maybe that should be comedy adventure moments) and the patriotism that crops up here and there never threatens to unbalance the whole thing.

This is one of the better movies from the earlier filmography of A & C but it's still as flawed as many others from the era and doesn't hold up well when stood alongside their better outings. Having said that, fans will find enough to enjoy here and it's a fun way to pass a rainy afternoon.

6/10.

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The Foreigner: Black Dawn (2005)

If Steven Seagal can barely put any energy into his onscreen activity then why should people even bother straining to write a decent review? I'm almost tempted to take the Seagal route here - get a stunt double to do most of the work, insert some badly edited nonsense and fill out the background with horribly cheap CGI.

The big man returns as Jonathan Cold, the character from The Foreigner that you never really cared to see again anyway. But that matters not one iota. Because this is Steven Seagal. And you WILL care to see him in whatever he does. This time around he is, as you might expect, out to save millions of lives and some nasty folk plan to build and explode a nuclear device in the glorious land of America. Seagal is a patriot and he's a patriot who always remembers one thing - you can't spell America without CIA (even if the letters are placed in a slightly different order).

Written by Martin Wheeler, and directed by Alexander Gruszynski, this is a movie that is inept in almost every way. We all know that Seagal isn't the best actor in the world but here he's only given decent turns from Tamara Davies (by decent I may be being kind but she's far from the worst thing in the movie) and Tmothy Carhart  among a cast full of people mangling accents, failing to convince as tough guys and generally being as weak as the material they have to work with.

This is a problem in many Seagal movies, they have become a product churned out of a conveyor belt that use some slapping action moves and a number of foreign bit players, but it's not too bad when there is some decent action to prove distracting. Nope, this movie doesn't even have that. There's no tension here, the editing is positively shocking in places, the stunt double gets plenty of screentime once again and nothing here will entertain even undemanding viewers after some lowbrow antics.

The plotting is terrible, the acting and action unconvincing, the characters uninteresting and everything here (from the opening credits to the final scenes) smacks of extreme laziness. A horrible experience.

3/10.

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Today You Die (2005)

If you hate this movie then you'd better go and take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Because you, sir or madam, may have to admit that you're a racist. Maybe the ethnicity of the film displeases you. Maybe you're just put off because Steven Seagal is a successful black man in the action movie market. Of course, Seagal is not a black man (nor all that successful nowadays, is he?) but nobody remembered to tell him that when he decided to show his versatility in this dire action movie. It's a shame that a number of things couldn't have been changed and improved upon during the making of the film because the action scenes, when they occur, aren't actually all that bad and the plot of Seagal seeking out those who wronged him and putting things right almost reminds you of those enjoyably gritty early movies that all now seem like classics compared to his 21st century output.

The plot sees Seagal as a kindly thief who robs from criminals to distribute the wealth to the needy. He's kinda like Robin Hood. With a ponytail. And two extra chins. But this is all quite worrying for his good lady (Mari Morrow), who keeps having strange dreams and "psychic visions" that actually don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. So Seagal goes straight but, lo and behold, on a standard driving job he is forced to outrun the cops and struggle to survive when it turns out that he's mixed up in a lucrative robbery. Our man is apprehended and jailed, but not before he has managed to somehow hide $20 million. Never mind, in the space of a few scenes we get Seagal teaming up with Treach (who plays a crook named Ice Kool) and managing to escape in a surprisingly easily engineered scheme. Then it's time to kick ass in a number of unconnected moments, allow the movie to pretend that it has a depth and complexity in place of the laughs and confusion and head to a finale that may just let our hero get his justice, save the children of the world and prove to everyone, once again, that he is the slap-happy version of Jesus himself.

I won't pretend that most of this movie was something I could easily enjoy while it was on but as soon as the credits rolled and I began to think back through what I had just seen I couldn't help laughing and thinking of all the lazy mistakes throughout (usually with stunt doubles but the massive plot holes were also good for a giggle). This may be the fault of the script, by Kevin Moore, but it's probably not helped by the direction of Don E. FauntLeRoy, a man responsible for having the most annoying mix of upper- and lower-casing in his surname and also the third and fourth risible movies in the Anaconda franchise.

Seagal - he doesn't really know any better because he just keeps going as he always has. Treach is almost tolerable. Almost. Mia Morrow would have been fine if her character hadn't been so redundant and given such awful material to work with. Sarah Buxton is pretty bad, Nick Mancuso is terrible and only those with less screentime give better performances (Robert Miano and Kevin Tighe, in particular). Fans may be interested to know that Chloe Grace Moretz has a very small role but nothing that marks out her future potential.

Some decent action moments and a sprinkling of grit make you think this could end up similiar to the earlier movies in the Seagal filmography but, alas, it's not to be and we just get yet another stinker to add to the pile.

4/10.

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Hold That Ghost (1941)

Abbott & Costello star in a film with a well-used premise that will be familiar to many. Sadly, it fails to include any of their better material and so ends up being one of their weaker outings from the first phase of their career.

The boys are a couple of gas station attendants unsuited to anything that has more responsibility (as illustrated at the beginning when they fail to grasps the basic of waiting on diners). They have about as much luck as they do cunning but that's all set to change. When a famous crook, Moose Matson (William Davidson), dies in their presence they are rewarded as the benefactors in his strange will and testament. Moose was so untrusting and paranoid that he simply left his estate to whoever was by his side at his moment of death. But people want to find out where Moose hid his stash of cash, which leads to plenty of scare tactics when the boys are driven out to the run-down building full of secret panels, dark corners and revolving casino furnishings.

Directed by Arthur Lubin, and written by Robert Lees, Fred Rinaldo and John Grant, Hold That Ghost has a number of enjoyable moments here and there but often relies too much on Lou Costello overacting as someone being petrified by events that everyone else seems to miss. His wheezing and muffled panic starts to grate quickly but it's the focus of the fun again and again and again. The sad thing is that the cast around our comedy duo are really quite a good bunch. The Andrews Sisters pop up for a couple of numbers, but are thankfully missing from most of the movie, and Joan Davis and Evelyn Ankers are fantastic actresses and great sports for going along with the fun. Richard Carlson is very enjoyable as the doctor far too busy examining things around him to actually notice the important things and Marc Lawrence and Mischa Auer are both just fine.

If this film was just above average then it would still pale in comparison to films such as The Cat And The Canary (the 1939 version), The Ghost Breakers (1940) and even the daffy Scared Stiff (which, to be fair, came a long time after in 1953). It would also pale in comparison to the later A & C movies that mixed comedy with mystery and/or supernatural elements. But it's not even just above average, it doesn't really satisfy and it just doesn't hold up all that well for fans who want to enjoy some quick-talking, quick-thinking fun and idiocy.

5/10.

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Submerged (2005)

Again, I'm not quite sure if my mind has been gradually eroded by all of the Steven Seagal movies that I have watched this year or if I'm just an easily pleased soul (or a mixture of the two) but I enjoyed Submerged, especially considering how bad I'd heard it was. Oh, it's absolute nonsense that doesn't make one shred of sense but it at least moves along briskly enough, has a few decent action moments (though few of them actually involve Seagal busting out any moves) and benefits from the presence of the lovely Alison King (a woman probably best known to UK viewers nowadays for her role as Carla Connor in that institution known as Coronation Street).

The plot is so rubbish that if I tried to explain all of the minor details I would probably give myself an embolism from the stream of garbage flowing into my mind. All you need to know is that Seagal plays a tough leader of a group of men who were all unjustly imprisoned after a mission went wrong. They are offered a complete pardon and some tempting cash if they all go on another dangerous mission and put an end to a dangerous individual who has managed to brainwash multiple individuals and make them into the ultimate secret assassins.

Directed and co-written by Anthony Hickox (who started his directorial career with great movies like Waxwork and the enjoyable Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth), seeing his name on the credits made me slightly optimistic. Seeing that Paul De Souza co-wrote the script did absolutely nothing for me as I'd never heard of the guy before in my life.

I knew that Seagal would be the main actor so that was either good or bad, depending on what version of his "great and powerful Oz" persona he was going to be providing us with this time around. Vinnie Jones was also in the cast. Snigger all you want, I've often enjoyed Vinnie Jones in his screen roles but he really should stick to smaller parts in bigger movies than risking ridicule in something like this - most of his dialogue is awful. And William Hope had a bit of screentime, someone I've enjoyed seeing since his memorable turn in Aliens. Christine Adams is tolerable but Alison King is the better female to watch onscreen, though I have no idea what was going on with her accent as it didn't sound like her usual voice yet also didn't sound like any decent imitation of any other local vocal style.

It may spend very little time on a submarine considering the title of the film is Submerged, and the action is edited a bit too ferociously in places, but there are enough good individual moments here to make it worth a watch and it remains a couple of notches above the worst Seagal movies (with the very worst that I've seen STILL being Ticker).

5/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Submerged-DVD-Steven-Seagal/dp/B000A0GLF8

In The Navy (1941)

 Do take note, the clips included in this review are skits performed by either Abbott & Costello or other performers in the movie and I have included them here for people who want a taste of the talent on display while perhaps not wanting to view this particular movie. Taken out of context, the clips themselves aren't spoilers for the film but they do provide a great sample of the content.

While this Abbott & Costello movie was filmed after Hold That Ghost it was actually released first in an attempt (and most probably a successful one) to provide audiences with another service picture starring the comedy duo that would repeat the winning formula of Buck Privates.

Our two stars aren't accidentally enrolled this time around, however. They're Navy men. Not very good Navy men but Navy men nonetheless. When a handsome singing sensation (played by Dick Powell) decides to pull a disappearing act, change his identity and join the navy it's not long before he gets Bud and Lou embroiled in his attempts to stay unrecognised, attempts constantly being put in jeopardy by the tenacious Dorothy Roberts (Claire Dodd). So there's a plucky gal, some standard schemes and scams and more musical interludes from the horribly chirpy trio known as The Andrews Sisters.

Directed by Arthur Lubin, and written by Arthur T. Horman and John Grant, everyone easily slips back into the same roles they had while making previous movies with the duo. It's certainly not up to the same standard as Buck Privates (the comedy just isn't as funny and the musical numbers are even weaker) but it's still fun for fans and features a number of decent skits: "The Lemon Bit" is one of my favourites but the movie also includes the wonderful "7 x 13 = 28" routine, fun with Lou trying to get into a hammock, a mildly amusing initiation routine and a fantastic bit of tapdancing from The Condos Brothers.

Dick Powell isn't too bad in his role, Claire Dodd works with what she's given and The Andrews Sisters are as horribly twee and asexual as ever. Thankfully, as it should be, the focus stays on Bud and Lou for the majority of the film and the two are talented enough performers to keep things moving along pleasantly enough even during the weaker moments. No classic but it's certainly worth a watch if you're a fan of the stars. As I am.

6/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000GKHM0U/ref=asc_df_B000GKHM0U5535300?smid=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&tag=googlecouk06-21&linkCode=asn&creative=22206&creativeASIN=B000GKHM0U

Shadow Man (2006)

First of all, a quick note to any more observant readers of my ongoing Seagal quest. Due to a bit of a chronological cock-up (to use the technical term) I ended up seeing this movie by mistake and WILL be playing catch up over the next few weeks with the films I should have already seen before viewing this one. With that out of the way, let's get on with the review.

You may be surprised to know that this Steven Seagal movie sees our main man as an ex-special ops intelligence superspy ninja type of guy. You may be even more surprised to learn that he has a young daughter who is whisked away and put in some danger, giving Seagal a personal reason to slap lots of people around. Everything is connected to some formula for a new biological weapon that Seagal is, unwittingly, in possession. Okay, so if you've seen other Seagal movies then none of this will surprise you.

At this stage in his career, you'll also already suspect that the movie contains the following: bad acting, low production values, a number of limp action sequences and plenty of nonsense that serves to show off Seagal as the cross between Buddha and MacGyver he clearly thinks he is.

The genuine surprise comes from the cast. Imelda Staunton tries on an American accent and hopefully never lets anyone else in on the fact that she starred in a Seagal movie. Eva Pope and Alex Ferns represent, respectively, Coronation Street and Eastenders. Surely, any number of decent TV projects would have been a better choice for these ex-soap stars but they decide, instead, to embarrass themselves for the sake of action movie glory (please read that sentence with as sarcastic a tone as possible).

Michael Keusch directs and shows why his name is still relatively unknown for someone who has worked on over 50 different projects. I'm sure that he managed to keep Seagal happy but he doesn't please anyone else, though undemanding fans who have damaged their minds already with the worst from their hero may find this at least tolerable.

The story is, unsurprisingly, from Seagal (co-written by Steve Collins and Joe Halpin) and that explains most of the failings. There's nobody else worth bothering about in a movie that doesn't even provide a hero worthy of rooting for. But, to damn the film with faint praise, it's still a notch or two above the worst that the Steven Seagal has appeared in.

4/10

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Buck Privates (1941)

Unlike their previous movie outing, One Night In The Tropics, this film features Bud Abbott and Lou Costello as the main attraction and never spends too much time away from some of their enjoyable banter and comedy routines. Our wiseguys make a big mistake this time when they evade the police and accidentally sign themselves up to the army. There's no way out but a lot of fun to be had, for viewers, as the pair find out just how much they don't fit in with the standard recruits of Uncle Sam. With versions of the "the dice game" and "the loan" and, of course, "army drill" this movie should keep fans of the duo entertained despite the weaker aspects that continually appear throughout the runtime.

Directed by Arthur Lubin and written by Arthur T. Horman, with special material for Abbott & Costello written by John Grant, Buck Privates zips along from decent comedic moment to decent comedic moment but it's hampered by three big negatives - The Andrews Sisters. I'm sorry, I know that some people love these ladies and they've never done anything to me personally, but I just can't stand their brand of jingoistic, creepily wholesome, bland attempts at razzle dazzle entertainment. Now I may have thought differently if I'd seen them performing live back in their heyday but I didn't . . . . . . . . . so I don't.

Everyone else is fine. Lee Bowman is very good as the man just expecting to kill some time in the army until his father extricates him from this terrible mix-up, Alan Curtis is fine as Bowman's ex-employee who can now tell him what he really thinks of him, Jane Frazee is bubbly and lovely as the lady who becomes the centre of attention for the rival men and Nat Pendleton is good fun as the weary Sergeant stuck with two of the worst possible recruits (Abbott & Costello).

There are a couple of decent songs here and there, one performed by Frazee and one by Costello, but most of them come from The Andrews Sisters and therefore didn't do anything for me (though even I admit that Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy is a toe-tapping and irresistible classic).

The boys still had a way to go until they would reach their cinematic peak but Buck Privates (aka Rookies) remains a solid outing thanks to the time given over to their quickfire, verbally dextrous, routines.

7/10

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Into The Sun (2005)

Steven Seagal stars in this movie co-written by Steven Seagal and based on a story by Steven Seagal (with Joe Halpin). It also has one Steven Seagal listed as producer and on the soundtrack you can hear the musical stylings, on occasion, of Steven Seagal. Yet, despite that overabundance of Seagal, it's actually not that bad.

The essence of the story is all about a man who can deal with the Yakuza and sort out a spiralling crime problem before everyone ends up losing. That one man is, as you may have guessed, Steven Seagal. Nobody else really matters because, as Seagal fans well know by now, everything will succeed or fail as Seagal wants it.

Directed by someone who calls himself Mink (but who was born Christopher Wingfield Morrison and who should stop trying to evade that fact with such a silly pseudonym), Into The Sun is a bit of a muddled mess but is also surprisingly entertaining throughout, mainly due to some brutal and straightforward violence that recalls the no-nonsense style that Seagal used to promote in his earliest movies.

The acting is quite bad but well above the quality of the last few Seagal movies. The main man himself does okay, Matthew Davis is enjoyable enough as an FBI agent partnered up with our gruff hero and the ever-wonderful William Atherton is as wonderful as ever. Some other people do okay, some other people are terrible - it didn't actually matter to me all that much as I watched the occasional fight sequence and the frequent arterial sprays of blood.

While not actually a great movie, this should provide some relief to Seagal fans who have continued to support the man throughout his career and received nothing but almost consistently slapdash and lazy movies since the turn of the 21st century.

5/10.

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One Night In The Tropics (1940)

The cinematic debut for the great double act of Abbott & Costello, One Night In The Tropics is mediocre entertainment elevated a notch or two whenever Bud and Lou are onscreen and squeezing in one of their famous routines.

The basic plot is actually as amusing as it is nonsensical. Jim Moore (Allan Jones) is in the insurance game and his company will insure everything. When his friend Steve Harper (Robert Cummings) starts to get himself flustered about things not going according to plan as he attempts to wed the woman he loves (Cynthia Merrick, played by Nancy Kelly), Jim manages to somehow sell him on the idea of an insurance policy for love. IF Steve and Cynthia don't get married when planned then Steve stands to gain a million dollars. Of course, Jim can't afford to pay out that kind of money so he goes to great lengths to keep things on track despite the efforts of a disapproving aunt (Mary Boland), another woman (Peggy Moran) in love with Steve and the unfortunate fact that Jim himself finds Cynthia pretty darned attractive. Things get farcical while Abbott & Costello stay on hand to also ensure that the wedding goes as planned. So you can probably guess how ill-fated the whole thing seems.

Based on the novel "Love Insurance" by Earl Derr Biggers, One Night In The Tropics is actually a decent enough old movie that I wouldn't mind seeing updated and remade for 21st century audiences. The central idea is a high-concept one and has potential but this film has been made as both a general comedy, with occasional musical moments, and a showcase for Abbott & Costello and it's the scenes that allow the comedy duo to show their strengths that ended up providing the most entertainment.

The screenplay, worked on by a number of folk, is okay for the material, the acting is perfectly acceptable for a 1940 film and the direction by A. Edward Sutherland does enough to put this on a par with many other lightweight movies of the time but let's make no bones about it - this movie would be forgotten and consigned to the wastebin of cinema if it didn't have some superb, slick comedy routines in there, including a version of the legendary (and rightly so) "Who's on first?" routine.

So, overall, it's no bona fide classic but because of the few scenes interspersed throughout including some absolutely wonderful A & C skits it remains well worth a watch to comedy fans.

6/10.

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