Avengers Assemble (2012)

And so it appears at last (albeit with an annoying title change so that we easily confused Brits don't think Steed and Emma Peel are coming back to the big screen this year), the  film that looks set to be the mightiest of superhero movies, the royal rumble of the Marvel cinematic universe, the geekgasm for comic book fans. With Joss Whedon directing (and co-writing the script with Zak Penn), Avengers Assemble actually manages to be all of this and more.

For anyone adjusting to the sunlight and the sights around them after coming out of some decade-long hibernation, here is the plot. Loki (Tom Hiddleston), last seen causing major trouble for Thor (Chris Hemsworth), has managed to get himself to Earth with a device that can run on self-sustaining energy and grow more and more powerful. Loki hopes to use this device to bring a warring alien race to Earth, cause mayhem and chaos, and then lord it over all he surveys. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) really doesn't want this to happen so he enlists the help of the superheroes that he knows and thinks up to the task. Captain America (Chris Evans), Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor, Dr. Bruce Banner/The Incredible Hulk (played by Mark Ruffalo in both forms), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) and, hopefully, Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner). The biggest problem is that these characters don't play well together, something that Loki soon realises as he puts strain upon strain on their relationships (even completely taking over one or two characters to do his bidding). There's also the ever-dependable Agent Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg) and Agent Maria Hill (Cobie Smulders).

Most of the cast here have already grown into their characters in a previous movie (with Robert Downey Jr. perfecting his great patter in two enjoyable Iron Man films) but viewers may be most surprised to find that the person who comes near to stealing every scene here is Mark Ruffalo, arguably the best onscreen interpretation yet of the man who fears his own uncontrollable strength and rage. In a script full of great one-liners he also comes close to bagging two of the top five spots (though the absolutely greatest retort comes from Loki in a comment so funny that the cinema audience I saw the film with was laughing hard for the next full minute). But the best, and most impressive, thing about Avengers Assemble is just how everyone gets their share of great moments without the movie feeling overlong or bloated in any way. You may go into this film with a favourite that you're looking forward to seeing but I guarantee that you come out of it loving the entire group and struggling to pick an outright favourite moment. Which all goes to show just how much praise Tom Hiddleston also deserves for making Loki such a memorable and worthy villain, a perfect mix of camp and menace and scheming (his outburst to Black Widow in one particular scene ranks up there with some of the very best rants by cinematic baddies ever).

The writing is as sharp as you would expect. Okay, this isn't necessarily a film for complete newcomers (if there ARE any) but it sketches out enough details to keep most people happy and it does a great job of following major plot strands through a whole cat's cradle of different sub-strings. There are also at least four great action set-pieces, just as important to a film of this type, and the barnstorming finale features a superb mix of CGI, witticisms and sheer spectacle.

As you would expect from Whedon, he knows what fans want. I think that most people will be like myself, eager to like the film even before the opening titles come up. But with great anticipation comes, of course, the chance for great disappointment. Thankfully, there's absolutely nothing to worry about here. Whedon shows in almost every sequence that he knows just what audiences want, the action may be fast and frantic on many occasions but there are many times when the camera is pulled back and viewers are allowed to revel in a moment of sheer fan-pleasing awesomeness (be it simple joy at the scale of the action or an extended shot of Hulk having a smashing time).

2012 is already shaping up to be a great year for BIG cinematic spectacle (I am also drooling with anticipation at the thought of going to see Prometheus and The Dark Knight Rises) and Avengers Assemble has already set a very high bar for blockbuster quality. Did I want to go back and watch it again as soon as the credits rolled? Yes. Am I looking forward to reliving the whole thing on shiny disc format? Yes. Am I already very, VERY eager for a sequel? I think you know the answer to that one.

9/10

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Speed Zone (1989)

AKA Cannonball Run III. Or not.

Originally devised as a third Cannonball Run movie, Speed Zone has to settle for being a very poor distant relative to the first two movies. Thankfully, it has a role for the very likeable John Candy and that saves it from being completely unwatchable. That's not to say that, for some reason, those involved don't keep trying to make as many bad choices as possible.

The plot is as slim as it was in the previous Cannonball Run movies (that this isn't actually a sequel to but we all know that it is, really). A race across the USA allows drivers to drive various cars at illegally high speeds and everyone involved really wants to win. End of central premise. Of course, people have different motivating factors and skillsets. Matt Frewer, for example, plays a man who keeps trying to win by using his wiles as well as his driving skills. John Candy is just a nice, steady guy who reflects that in his driving style, with the lovely Donna Dixon overacting badly as his passenger. Eugene Levy may not actually drive in the race but his double-decker hairdo deserves at least some kind of consolation prize.

Directed by Jim Drake, and written by Michael Short, there just isn't enough of anything here to please fans of, well, anything. The cast includes those already mentioned plus Peter Boyle, The Smothers Brothers (two men I took an immediate dislike to, I'm afraid), Melody Anderson, Shari Belafonte, Tim Matheson, Art Hindle, Brian George, Joe Flaherty and then cameo roles for Jamie Farr, Brooke Shields, Michael Spinks, Alyssa Milano, Carl Lewis, Lee Van Cleef and some others. The automobile action isn't all that exciting, although one or two stunts do stand out as high points. Then we have the comedy content, which isn't all that great in terms of quantity and quality.

I suppose the biggest failing with Speed Zone in comparison to the Cannonball Run movies is summed up thus: The first two movies featured stars of yesteryear having a lot of fun together with one or two new faces joining in with the fun. This movie features a number of relatively "new" faces having fun with one or two stars of yesteryear joining in. That shouldn't be enough to make this such a bad movie but it is. It highlights just how much great chemistry, charisma and goodwill was thrown onscreen during the first two movies.

If you're an obsessive completist then you'll still want to get a hold of this but I don't recommend it (and I'm the guy who bought Jaws: The Revenge on DVD because I had the preceding three movies).

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cannonball-Candy-Brooke-Shields-Region/dp/B003JNTCP4/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1336394781&sr=1-1

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

Ron Jeremy - actor, porn star, bit of a legend. It's no overstatement to say that the rise of Ron Jeremy through the ranks of adult entertainment to become a household name and someone more like a cuddly, hairy uncle that you wouldn't want to have to hug TOO tightly at family parties (like a sleaz(y/ier) version of Robin Williams) was something that nobody saw coming. No pun intended.

He's the main star here despite the fact that he's barely onscreen for a third of the runtime. That's irrelevant. The whole movie revolves around Ron Jeremy's most famous attribute. Yep, as you could probably have guessed, while shooting an adult sex movie out in the middle of nowhere a ray from space hits Mr. Jeremy and ends up taking control of his penis. This leads to the penis causing all kinds of problems when it detaches itself from Ron and starts inserting itself into anyone it can find, and doing so with such force that they end up dead. As the snow keeps falling outside things are definitely heating up inside but not in the way that was intended when the crew first arrived on location.

One-Eyed Monster is completely ridiculous, full of bad taste gags and doesn't even have all that much nudity, considering the central premise. It's also very funny and entertaining from start to finish.

The cast may be a mixed bag but the good performances far outweigh the bad, despite how silly the material is. Alongside Ron and colleague Veronica Hart there's also some screentime for another starlet from the adult entertainment industry, Carmen Hart, and then the rest of the cast includes Amber Benson (probably best known to everyone from her turn in the Buffy TV show), Jason Graham, Charles Napier, Jeff Denton (grabbing most of the best lines), Bart Fletcher, Jenny Guy and John Edward Lee.

Director Adam Fields (who co-wrote the movie with Jordan Fields and Scott Fields) does a great job of walking a fine line between outright absurdity and self-aware fun. Hell, I'd give a beer and a pat on the back to whoever came up with the great line "we're gonna need a bigger tampon" that manages to, of course, reference Jaws and keep things amusingly distasteful.

If you enjoyed the dubious delights of Pervert! then you should also enjoy this. And if you don't think this kind of thing would entertain you in any way whatsoever then . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . well, I guess you're reading the wrong reviewer.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/One-Eyed-Monster-Amber-Benson/dp/B002WVCRIS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1336769921&sr=8-1

Coming Attractions.

Well, even though I haven't been writing up anything for the past few days you may be pleased to know that I have been viewing lots of material that will end up being reviewed here.
One Eyed Monster - the monster movie with the monster being Ron Jeremy's penis. Oh yes, review coming soon.
Atrocious - a Spanish "found footage" film that really deserves a bit more attention.
American Hot Babes AKA Deep In The Valley - no, it's not what you think. Except it kinda is. A couple of guys get transported to a parallel universe where everyone and everything acts in line with the stereotypes of pornography. This means that female cops run around in skimp attire, everyone tries to make the cheerleading squad, girls love to see who can have the wettest t-shirt and nurses have no medical knowledge whatsoever but look fine. Yep, this film was great fun.
Devil's Playground - Danny Dyer, Craig Fairbrass, zombies that do parkour. Nuff said.
Heartless - not perfect, by any means, but this UK horror calls to mind the works of Clive Barker and modern classics like Jacob's Ladder. No bad thing.
And there will be plenty more. Now, if anyone could just suggest how I make a living from this so that I can always have time 24/7 to watch the films AND write the reviews I would have a new personal hero.
No?
Nobody?
I'm . . . . . . I'm . . . . totally serious.
Oh well then.

Camel Spiders (2011)

What else do you need to know about Camel Spiders that isn't made immediately clear by the title? Roger Corman has a producer credit. Jim Wynorski directed the thing (and also co-wrote it with J. Brad Wilke). The CGI is pretty poor but not as poor as the acting from most of the cast. Oh, and the biggest names involved are Brian Krause and C. Thomas Howell. Now you're either dying to see this already or you're already considering hunting down every copy of the movie out there and burning them all. The latter option may be a bit extreme but I can't put up any major defence for the movie. It's pretty bad.

There's a slim plot. Some soldiers (led by Brian Krause) are fighting when a bunch of big-ass spiders end up killing the enemy and inadvertently helping them out. That would all be fine and dandy if the spiders didn't then creep into the body of a deceased soldier and get carted over to U.S. soil. Before you can say "Hey Mr. Charmed, meet Mr. Soul Man" it's a big mess as nasty CGI spiders start killing folk you don't care about while Krause and C. Thomas Howell try to take charge and save the day.

I kinda enoyed watching Camel Spiders for the first 10-15 minutes, I won't lie, and there were moments when I thought "I realise how bad this is but it's also just mindless fun". In fact, as the spiders began to instil more fear into people and jump at every paper-thin supporting character I considered giving this an average to good rating. Then it just kept going and going with no improvement. The script, which had initially seemed amusingly dire and inept, was just dire. The CGI wasn't terrible or good enough to be constantly entertaining. The story was drawn out to feature length when it could barely have made for an entertaining 60 minutes. And then there was the acting. Brian Krause and C. Thomas Howell weren't great but they looked like Oscar contenders alongside some of their co-stars (who I'm just not even going to name).

Jim Wynorski knows how to use a small budget to at least get something made but Camel Spiders is one of his worst outings, it's not even as much fun as the ridiculous Cleavagefield (which a few of you may remember I actually enjoyed). There are a lot of low budget horror movies out there better than this, a lot of spider movies out there better than this and even a lot of Jim Wynorski movies out there better than this. Don't make this one a priority.

3/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Camel-Spiders-DVD-Brian-Krause/dp/B0076LAI9Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1336250258&sr=1-1

So, You've Downloaded A Demon (2007)

A low budget horror comedy that's more about the laughs than the scares, this little movie is one of those enjoyable films that makes up for many failings by just trying so damn hard to be likeable. It may not have the sharpest script, tightest editing or best cast but it still does enough to raise itself just above the desolate middle ground where 1001 decidedly average slasher/vampire/zombie movies reside.

The premise is covered by the title. A couple of goth gals (Miranda, played by Casidee Riley, and Cat, played by Sommer Lynn Fain) stumble across a website that offers them plenty in exchange for their soul. They decide not to risk accepting the offer but get a couple of nice men they know (Dave, played by Zak Kreiter, and Brian, played by Daniel Paul Schafer) to have a look. One bit of cyberhacking later and Dave has been possessed by a demon. This means that he speaks in amusingly melodramatic fashion, vomits on people as he tries to win the position of student president and aims to collect the one or two more souls that will make him pretty much all-powerful. It's up to Miranda, Cat and Brian to overcome the demon, preferably without killing Dave. They may also receive some help from the informed Dr. Malcolm (Todd Livingston) but removing the demon from Dave may not be the end of the matter.

Todd Livingston, as well as giving himself a supporting role in the movie, also directed the thing and co-wrote the screenplay with Nicholas Capetanakis. If it was a terrible movie then we could easily point the finger and call for a swift end to his career. But it's not that bad. So, You've Downloaded A Demon contains many of the mis-steps often seen in amateur fare (such as repetitive sequences, inconsistent audio levels, not-so-special special effects) but it also has an enthusiasm and sense of fun that makes up for a hell of a lot.

The cast have fun, even if they're not necessarily destined for greatness, and the vibe of the whole movie was vaguely reminiscent of some crazy John Hughes comedy in my opinion. That, to me, is no bad thing. Perhaps they should have put everyone in detention and called it The Exorcist Club.

You won't want to rush out and spend a lot of money on this movie but I do recommend it as a potential viewing when you've exhausted many other possibilities and I'd also recommend that you pick it up if you ever see it going for a bargain price. Those involved deserve to know that the film is reaching some kind of audience, even if it's just people as easygoing with their viewing material as I am.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Youve-Downloaded-Demon-Xenia-Seeberg/dp/B001GJ4U82

Or watch it for free here.

Alice In Wonderland (1951)

Alice's Adventures In Wonderland by Lewis Carroll is, in my opinion, the greatest book ever written for children. It's a brisk story full of memorable characters and moments of creative brilliance. The sequel is pretty good too. The movie version by Tim Burton, on the other hand, was a horribly inept attempt to put some of that magic onscreen (my unhappy review for that one is here). Of course, that's not the only version of the tale that has been put forth over the years. Like many other enduring classics, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland has been filmed on a number of occasions, sometimes with a number of twists (and, yes, there's at least one porn riff) and sometimes in a straightforward manner. It will probably come as no surprise, considering how well the material suits the studio, that this 1951 animated version from Disney still easily ranks as one of the, if not THE, very best.

If you don't know the story by now then what the hell did you do during your entire childhood? Young Alice goes chasing after a white rabbit who is concerned about his timekeeping, falls down a rabbit hole and ends up in Wonderland, a place where people celebrate un-birthday days, a Cheshire cat can appear and disappear at leisure, Tweedledum and Tweedledee reside, drink and food can change your size and much, much more.

The vocal work here is very good from all involved - Kathryn Beaumont, the wonderful Ed Wynn, Bill Thompson (probably most recognisable to many cartoon fans as the voice of Droopy), Pat O'Malley and many others get the opportunity to voice some of the most memorable characters in children's literature and they all do a wonderful job.

Three directors were also involved with this film and a hell of a lot of writers (at least a dozen, if my maths is correct) but the final product just reflects a group of animators and actors all having fun and conveying that to audiences. Alice In Wonderland is inspired lunacy from start to finish, just as the books are.

I think that's maybe why I liked the original material so much, and why I always will. It's really all about refusing to conform to the accepted norm and shows how much fun people can have when they just embrace moments of insanity. Everything in moderation, of course, and that's a message that infuses the final act. But by that point we all know one thing for certain - going down the rabbit hole is something we all secretly yearn to do, at some time in our lives.

8/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Alice-In-Wonderland-Animation-Special/dp/B004HYGYI2/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1336084513&sr=8-2

American Psycho (2000)

Based on the fantastic book by Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho is, to be perfectly honest, an astonishingly great movie that's boosted by a mesmerising central performance by Christian Bale and a script that lines up memorable scene after memorable scene. In all seriousness, I was very tempted to turn this review into nothing more than a selection of excerpts from the script. The scene involving the lead character explaining his love of Hue Lewis & The News is rightly regarded as a classic, mixing humour and insanity in equal measure and leading to a jaw-droppingly superb punchline.

The 80s, a decade of bad taste and excessive wealth. The rise and rise of the yuppie. The accessories and the lifestyle accoutrements became essential to many, a way to show your identity through prestigious brand names and expensive fashions. And those with the richest and easiest lifestyles all seemed to be doing the same job which was, well, something to do with money that other mere mortals never quite understood. In fact, it often didn't seem like work at all as these people went to "business lunch" after "business lunch". American Psycho looks at all of this with a cold and accurate eye for detail. Everything is brought to our attention by the behaviour of the psychopathic Patrick Bateman (Bale).

A great big middle finger raised to the rise and rise of materialism and the erasing of individual personalities, and their morals, in the workplace, American Psycho is hilarious from start to finish if you have the right sense of humour to enjoy the pitch black material. It's also equally, and impressively, disturbing from start to finish.

 Director Mary Harron (who adapted the novel to screenpla form with Guinevere Turner) deserves a lot of credit for getting the tone just right and following through with every brave decision made in getting the source material onscreen but just as much praise can be heaped upon a flawless cast. Christian Bale takes the lead role by the scruff of the neck and becomes Bateman. Perhaps this is most appropriate because the character views himself as nothing in the first place (a shell to be inhabited by whichever performance best suits, perhaps?). Despite such a strong lead performance, nobody in a supporting role ever feels completely overshadowed because the material is so good and the performers are most definitely able to rise to the occasion. Justin Theroux, Josh Lucas, Jared Leto, Reese Witherspoon, Samantha Mathis, Chloe Sevigny, Willem Dafoe, Cara Seymour, I could just list everyone involved to give them their due but, instead, I encourage you to just watch the movie and enjoy every single piece of acting onscreen.

Whether he's discussing the greats of 80s pop, worrying about new business cards, telling people how he has to rush off to return some videotapes or considering feeding a cat to an ATM, Patrick Bateman is a character you enjoy watching even as you alternately cringe, recoil and laugh at his actions. The movie is defined by him in the same way that he is defined by his perceived status. It's also essential viewing.

10/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/American-Psycho-DVD-Christian-Bale/dp/B00004WZWB

Abbott & Costello Meet The Killer, Boris Karloff (1949)

Compared to the high quality of the previous outings, this is another lesser Abbott & Costello movie (and easily one of the weakest movies that they starred in under the direction of the dependable Charles Barton) but, as I have said about a few of their other movies, it's still a fun viewing and worth watching if you're a fan of the duo.

Bud Abbott plays Casey Edwards, a hotel detective who ends up with a dead body in his hotel and a pretty decent amount of suspects (including, of course, Boris Karloff). Lou Costello is Freddie Phillips, the incompetent bellboy who ends up being the main suspect as pieces of evidence, and more bodies, start piling up around him.

While this doesn't have many of the really great routines that A & C were famous for it does have a few very good moments scattered here and there. One extended sequence involving some corpses that our leads don't want discovered in their vicinity is particularly enjoyable, mixing some good physical work with a number of fun verbal gags.

The script by Hugh Wedlock Jr, Howard Snyder and John Grant is okay but it's a shame that the whole thing couldn't have been given a bit more care around the important laughs. It's true that many A & C movies feel like little more than pantomimes put onscreen but this film seems to have been made without anyone involved remembering that it should also hang together as a whole movie. As such, it feels like it slightly outstays its welcome even at the brisk 84 minutes it runs for and there's very little of interest in the moments that focus on the murder mystery element of the film.

The direction is okay but the material is hampered by an instantly forgettable cast. Oh, our leads do their usual good work and Boris Karloff is enjoyable enough in the few scenes that he has but nobody else stands out. James Flavin, Lenore Aubert, Gar Moore, Donna Martell, Alan Mowbray, Mikel Conrad and others have their time onscreen but, while I won't exaggerate and say that I remember none of them, not a one of them makes any lasting impression.

Oh, and one last thing. Don't let the title mislead you.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Abbott-Costello-Meet-Killer-Jekyll/dp/B000H7ZZH4

Guns Of Diablo (1965)

The kind of movie that used to crop up regularly on British television on a Sunday afternoon back when you only had access to four terrestrial channels and you spent half of your weekend either snoozing after a hearty lunch or creeping around those who were snoozing after a hearty lunch, Guns Of Diablo is an enjoyable enough time-waster that doesn't ever really do enough to earn itself a reprieve from the obscure status it now finds itself in.

Charles Bronson (aka THE Hollywood Cowboy) stars as Linc Murdock, a man who leaves his group temporarily to get supplies and sort out some affairs in a nearby town. He takes along a very young Kurt Russell (playing Jamie McPheeters) and the movie feels like a nice, pleasant family romp. Not for long though. Things take a turn for the worse when Linc spots the beautiful Maria Macklin (played by Susan Oliver) and we're then treated to a lengthy flashback sequence that explains their past. A past that's about to cause a lot of trouble for them in the present. Some think that Linc has debts to pay and they mean to collect.

Based on a novel by Robert Lewis Taylor, Guns Of Diablo is a mix of standard childish adventure and more serious adult gunslinger fare and the mix ends up detracting from the final creation. It's not energetic and innocent enough throughout to make the childish parts as enjoyable as they could be while the adult fare isn't quite grim and serious enough for fans of the Western genre who have already seen 101 movies using this familiar material to much better effect.

Director Boris Sagal and screenwriter Berne Giler don't add anything to the ingredients to help transform them but they're lucky to have Charles Bronson in the lead role and a very chirpy and likeable young Kurt Russell by his side. Susan Oliver is watchable enough, as are Jan Merlin, John Fiedler and Douglas Fowley, and the overall casting of the film provides the best reason for wanting to give it a watch.

6/10

http://www.amazon.com/Guns-Diablo-Charles-Bronson/dp/B0015RTB3Y

Deep Red AKA Profondo Rosso (1975)

Dario Argento is, quite rightly, regarded as a master of horror and has given fans a lot to enjoy over the years. Deep Red may be almost 40 years old by now but it holds up as one of his best films. A sleek and stylish giallo movie with a number of brutal death scenes and nice bit of investigation leading our hero (played by David Hemmings) towards a revelatory finale, this remains a film that you can bring forth as evidence of a master craftsman when arguing against any naysayers.

Of course, there will always be those who tell you that Argento does nothing more than ride on the coat tails of the great Mario Bava but this isn't true. There is SOME truth to it (the visual style and the setting of many scenes are reminiscent of Bava's work) but Argento is, in my view, the man who really helped to show just how involved the camera could be with all of the action. Bava had the style and some nice camera moves but Argento allows the camera to become a free spirit, floating hither and thither in a way that added a layer of balletic choreography to almost every scene.

Sadly, the scripts never tend to come up to the same level of quality as the visuals but Deep Red is one of the better attempts to marry proper movie dialogues to the bloody set-pieces. Sometimes it almost works (the conversations that Hemmings has with Macha Meril, who plays Helga Ulmann, for example) and sometimes it doesn't (pretty much any conversation that involves the character played by Daria Nicolodi).

Never mind though. A picture paints a 1000 words, as the saying goes, and there has never been more apt defence for the works of the great directors who know exactly where they want the camera to be while not always concerning themselves with the actors. Argento certainly fills each scene with enough mood and substance to make up for the weak script.

Deep Red remains an essential giallo for fans of the subgenre and is just as good an entry for newcomers as any other film that I can think of. If you haven't seen it yet then do so ASAP.

9/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Deep-Red-Blu-ray-Region-Free/dp/B003NEQ72U

Diagnosis: Death (2010)

After a very promising start, Diagnosis: Death soon becomes a stale affair that will disappoint fans of the talent involved. In fact, if you pick this up because you're a fan of Flight Of The Conchords then you may be in for a crushing disappointment. I've seen product listings that recommend this to fans of Flight Of The Conchords but general comments from fans tend to be in complete disagreement. And as for any praise that compares this to the early works of Peter Jackson . . . . . . . . . . no, just no. That comparison is, quite frankly, ludicrous. The early works of Peter Jackson are full of energy, great humour and lashings of gore. This movie has some laughs, few scares and a relatively lethargic pace.

The story starts with a man (Rabon Kan) being diagnosed with terminal cancer. This isn't the best news, as you can imagine. His one very slim chance is to get himself put on a drug trial. Once in the medical centre, he meets a young girl (Jessica Grace Smith) and the two of them soon bond over good conversation and strange experiences that may or may not be shared hallucinations. There would seem to be some busy spirits roaming the corridors and a dark past that wants to affect the present.

People who know my rating system and my penchant for small movies that simply strive to entertain will know, I hope, that I always try/tend to be generous. Bearing that in mind, my rating of 4/10 for this film may still be a little bit more than most people might give it.

There's just nothing here to enjoy after the first 10 minutes. Acting that doesn't exactly set the screen alight, no chemistry whatsoever between the characters, flat and uninspired direction making the whole thing look like a very amateur TV production at times and, worst of all for a horror comedy, a notable absence of horror and comedy, for the most part.

Raybon Kan is okay here and there but the movie is saved from being completely turgid by the presence of Jessica Grace Smith and Suze Tye, both presenting very different ways of gaining and holding your interest whenever they're onscreen (the former has a nice energy while the latter has a great air of potential villainy).

Director Jason Stutter, who also co-wrote the film with star Rabon Kan, can shoulder a lot of the blame but I can't help thinking that someone behind the scenes may deserve a bit of a dressing down, someone who came up with a flimsy concept and just convinced everyone that if they could get the folk from Flight Of The Conchords involved then they would have a cult hit, no matter how poor the final product was. I don't know who that someone is, it may end up being Sutter once more, but I hope that they are kept away from any decision making meetings for the next 20 years or so.

4/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Diagnosis-Death-DVD-Bret-McKenzie/dp/B002ALU8V8

Stats and facts and bric-a-brac.

Well, it's been a hectic few days in my own little movieland so anyone wanting to read a new film review may be sadly disappointed. That'll be one person then, not including friends I constantly blackmail into reading my drivel.

Those of you who write reviews and/or consistent blogs will know that sometimes you just get that feeling of burnout and you have to take a time out. It may be a day or two, it may be a couple of weeks, but it's a break and that's what counts.

Bizarrely, when I didn't post anything here yesterday my pageviews still managed to hit 120 (thank you to anyone stopping by, as ever) and I DO like to keep an eye on these things and react to whatever is increasing traffic and interest.

Flickfeast works in a similiar fashion, with the editor monitoring traffic flow and making the most of any advance reviews we can get written up and out there into the world wide web. I always find it a bit of a shame that we have so many registered members over at Flickfeast (2834 at this moment in time) and yet very few people use the Forum facility. Maybe it's just never going to be good enough or maybe people don't realise that they can be informed of replies to their thread if they pick the "subscribe" option once they have posted.

My home stats (aka my movie collection) are currently through the roof. Here is the latest selection for anyone wanting to keep up with my eclectic, often dubious, taste. The Collection.

But what of the blog stats? Well, first of all, it's been hitting 100+ pageviews every day for over a week now and I can't thank everybody enough. That amounts to 3000 visits in a month and I'd definitely like to keep growing the numbers.

And here are the top searches that have enabled people to discover some of the reviews:

Steven Seagal - No surprise there.

Eileen Daly - I'm glad that I have mentioned her on this blog and will endeavour to do so again.

Gutterballs - Ryan Nicholson deserves support so I will be covering more of his movies soon.

Debbie James - Hmmm, I've seen a movie with her in it and have forgotten her already.

Wild Things Foursome - Perverts.

Jillian Murray Hot - More perverts.

Teen Wolf - Yayyyy for the cool kids.

Into The Sun - Seagal fans.

Foritismansnumber.blogspot.com - To be fair, this is probably me searching for the site when my bookmarks aren't available.

Jacqueline Macinnes Wood Nude - And the perverts return. The referring URLs seem to be split between IMDb and Google, as I would expect, so that shows a nice balance. But where things get really interesting is in the post stats. What do you think my most viewed post would be? I'd hazard a guess that you wouldn't have gone with Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes. Yet it IS the most viewed post, and by quite a long shot. Behind that comes Cradle Of Fear. Then Death Of A Ghost Hunter. Then Gutterballs. Oh, there's a Seagal movie in the Top 10 and also the enjoyable Among The Fallen but it's clear that people tend to look out for movies that have had less coverage elsewhere. Maybe people are genuinely interested in finding full reviews or maybe people have seen some of the movies that I have seen and then hope to see it given a merciless kick-in if it's rubbish (which a number of films I've viewed for the blog have been although I'm not lumping all of the titles in this paragraph into the one category). Why post about this if I am taking a break from posting? Well, it's easy to write about and I just wanted to remind everyone that every visit matters and that these figures spur me on to keep trying to do more and do better. So, once again, thanks very much.

The Noose Hangs High (1948)

Another Abbott & Costello movie directed by Charles Barton, The Noose Hangs High is pretty much a joy from start to finish. Even if you're not a big fan of the central duo this one should keep you entertained as it moves from routine to routine with the laughs coming thick and fast.

What's in the mix for this outing then? Well, there's a toothache, mistaken identity, gambling, verbal dexterity and an absolutely wonderful sequence in which the two leads try to get themselves arrested.

The one minor complaint to note is that a lot of the better gags and routines aren't new to anyone who has seen some of the A & C movies from the past but that doesn't matter when they're slotted in so nicely here and performed with such skill. The bet that is made to prove that someone present is actually "not here" is Abbott & Costello doing what they do best. Then there's the routine that sees Lou being confused as someone explains to him how a horse eats its fodder and how some male horses can make great mudders. Last, but by no means least, we have an exchange between A & C that covers a variety of topics from Lou boring holes in walls to disliking mustard and causing mass unemployment to dating a much younger woman to being in a train station with no destination in mind (just see it and all will become clear).

The cast all do great. This is focused on the leads for the majority of the runtime but Cathy Downs is a lovely lady, Joseph Calleia plays the tough guy strong-arming the main duo and Leon Errol is an eccentric with the best luck in the world.

John Grant and Howard Harris are the main writers but about five other names are attached to the process (from story to screenplay). As surprising as it is, this actually just makes the whole thing zippier and more full of gags as opposed to a big, sprawling mess. That may be in no small part due to the direction from the consistently capable Charles Barton, a man rightfully acknowledged as being able to get the best out of A & C.

If you're a fan of great comedy then this is definitely one to watch, even if you don't consider yourself necessarily a fan of those involved.

8/10

http://www.amazon.com/The-Noose-Hangs-High-Abbott/dp/B0007O38ZI

Nightmares (1983)

Ahhhhh the 1980s. A decade that gave us the coolness of Judd Nelson and then balanced things out by forcing us to endure performances from Emilio Estevez (who stars in this). A decade that allowed Veronica Cartwright (who also stars in this) to perfect her acting style in the manner of the most annoying female onscreen in any movie she starred in. A decade that gave us the brilliance of Creepshow and the mundanity of anthology horrors like this one.

Featuring four tales of descending quality, Nightmares is a pretty poor film that's probably more fondly remembered than it ought to be by horror fans who haven't seen it in many years.

The first story is all about an escaped killer and will be familiar to anyone who knows their urban legends (in fact, it's a horror staple that was reused in Body Bags, a poor anthology movie that still manages to be better than this one, and Urban Legend). The second story combines the best of the 1980s - "cutting-edge" computer graphics and Emilio Estevez (he plays an arcade whizz determined to beat the newest and hottest game). Did I say the best of the 1980s? I meant the worst. Story three uses Lance Henriksen very poorly, giving him an ineffective role in an ineffective rip-off of Duel. But, never fear, the very worst has been saved for the very last tale - "Night Of The Rat" is, off the top of my head, one of the worst anthology movie segments that I have ever had the displeasure of watching. It's about a big rat, in case you couldn't guess, and is the one with Veronica Cartwright being weak and whiny and generally unpleasant while Richard Masur has to play the most pig-headed husband for just long enough for viewers to start rooting for the big rat.

Written by Christopher Crowe and Jeffrey Bloom, Nightmares suffers from poor material that's not lifted up by a weak cast and then hampered further by the direction from Joseph Sargent. You may remember Joseph Sargent as the director of The Taking Of Pelham One Two Three or you may remember him as the director of Jaws: The Revenge. This film is certainly closer to the latter than the former.

Sometimes laughable, but more often than not just pretty boring, this is one anthology movie that you can easily miss. Settle down and watch some old episodes of Tales From The Crypt instead. Much better.

If you really MUST give it a viewing then ignore the link below for the extortionatel priced retail copies and just go and view it on YouTube instead. It's there and if you're watching it for free then you might just feel that you got your money's worth.

3/10

http://www.amazon.com/Nightmares-Cristina-Raines/dp/B00000K0DZ

Altered States (1980)

Altered States is a Ken Russell movie and that means it has some entertaining weirdness. If you've ever seen a Ken Russell movie then you should know to expect some entertaining weirdness. If you haven't seen a Ken Russell movie before then you've been warned. Appropriately mourned by film fans when he passed away at the end of 2011, Ken Russell was a man of vision and daring. You might not always like his work but you'll be damned if it's easily forgotten.

The plot of this movie concerns a scientist (William Hurt) conducting experiments on himself with the use of sensory deprivation equipment and a hallucinogenic substance. The results are astounding and unexpected, leading the scientist to believe that he may actually be witnessing lifeforms from way back in time. In fact, he also believes that he is physiologically altered during his sessions. This is something that his colleague/helper (Bob Balaban) doesn't want to believe and neither does the man allowing them to use his lab space (played by Charles Haid). As the experiments continue, everyone becomes more and more worried about the sanity of the scientist. His wife (Blair Brown) can't stop him and fears for his mind but becomes even more worried when she allows herself to be convinced that maybe he's telling the truth.

There's plenty of psychobabble and philosophical musings here, thanks to the script by Paddy Chayefsky (adapting his own novel), and Ken Russell compliments the words with surreal and truly bizarre visuals. The effects throughout are pretty good, often wrapped in a shroud of drug-induced haze.

The onslaught of strange ideas and strange imagery may have been too much to bear if Russell hadn't managed to get himself a great cast to hang everything on. Hurt is, of course, a great actor and someone who possesses the intelligence to convince in a role such as this one. Bob Balaban, Blair Brown and Charles Haid all lend great support and the way they are torn between helping out a brilliant scientist and wanting to keep him safe is fairly well realised, considering the outlandishness of the central premise.

Funnily enough, for those more familiar with the work of Russell, this is actually a more straightforward movie from the man compared to many of his other films. Yet it still has plenty of individuality and personality, certainly enough for you to recognise it as the product of a film-maker who was never less than interesting.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Altered-States-DVD/dp/B000B7KXN6

It Happened At The World's Fair (1963)

Elvis Presley. Elvis The Pelvis. The King. Despite the fact that you'll still find people who disagree, I am one of the many who rate Elvis as the undisputed king of rock. His manner, his swagger, his looks, his talent. Okay, he had numerous flaws but I've never seen anyone else with such a great mix of humour, confidence and sheer PRESENCE. Which all means that, almost inevitably, many of his movie outings were pretty poor - nothing more than an excuse to form any kind of star-led vehicle that could be thrown into cinemas to get bums on seats. And, as far as I know, it worked.

This light confection sees Elvis ending up, as if you couldn't guess, at the World's Fair. He's there thanks to his partner and friend, a man who can't get a grip on his gambling habit, and it's not long before he, ummmm, befriends the daughter of the man who allowed them to hitch-hike on the back of his truck. Yes, that's right. This movie sees a hitch-hiking Elvis left with the daughter of a man he just met and being allowed to look after her as if he was a rent-a-nanny. Meanwhile, he also falls for a woman (Joan O'Brien) who shuts him down at every opportunity and he remains oblivious to the fact that his partner and friend may be getting them both into even more trouble. There's also a movie debut from a teeny tiny Kurt Russell as a kid who kicks Elvis in the shin.

I enjoyed It Happened At The World's Fair and I would easily recommend it to all Elvis fans. Oh, it's no work of cinematic greatness but it's a fast-paced bit of fun that benefits from the central performances - Elvis being so Elvis-like, Joan O'Brien being resistant to his charms, Gary Lockwood as the gambling Danny Burke, Vicky Tiu as little Sue-Lin and Kurt Russell as the shin kicker.

The script by Si Rose and Seaman Jacobs does everything it needs to do and the same can be said for the direction by Norman Taurog. Jailhouse Rock remains, in my opinion, the best movie that Elvis ever made but this one is at least a step or two above his very worst.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Elvis-Happened-The-Worlds-Fair/dp/B000LAXNAS

History Of The World: Part 1 (1981)

History can often be a dull, dry subject. So any movie covering the history of the world is something that you may approach with some trepidation. Knowing that the movie is written and directed by Mel Brooks, however, puts a very different spin on things.

Taking potshots at a few different chapters in history, from the days of the caveman to the days of the Roman Empire and from The Spanish Inquisition to the French Revolution, we get the usual scattershot approach. Gags of all varieties fly thick and fast and if you find yourself groaning at one then don't worry because another, that you'll probably laugh at, will be along within a couple of minutes.

The cast are all superb, and many of them will be familiar to anyone who has already enjoyed other movies from Mr. Brooks. The writer-director himself takes on a number of roles, Gregory Hines really enjoys himself in his first cinematic outing, Dom DeLuise and Madeline Kahn are as much fun as they usually are and more laughs are delivered by Harvey Korman, Cloris Leachman, Spike Milligan, Pamela Stephenson, Sid Caesar and Shecky Greene.

A lot of the jokes are obvious, but not necessarily less funny because of it, and it's quite reassuring to actually see the old "walk this way" gag. There are so many little treats throughout that it's hard to select favourite moments to mention in this review but the undeniable highlight for me, however, was seeing The Spanish Inquisition given the glossy, Hollywood, musical number treatment (with absolutely wonderful and hilarious lyrics AND a catchy melody).

It's sad to think that modern audiences may only know Brooks for such films as Robin Hood: Men In Tights and Dracula: Dead And Loving It when his work in the 70s and early 80s contains moments of sheer brilliance to set it on a par with any other classics that you can think of. This movie may not be one of his very best but it's full of enough intelligence and wit to make you glad that you gave it a watch.

7/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/History-Of-The-World-Part/dp/B000BPND4O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334859558&sr=8-1

Treasure Island (1950)

If you don't know the story of Treasure Island - of Jim Hawkins, Long John Silver, The Hispaniola, mutiny and treachery and more - then you have missed out on some classic adventure goodness. The original story was written many years ago by Robert Louis Stevenson but I assure you that it holds up as a cracking yarn to this day, mainly because it throws in every pirate-related detail you have ever heard of and doesn't once apologise for it (of course, the cliches may not have seemed quite so cliched when the story was first published, considering how it pretty much created most of the established pirate traits).

This live action Disney take on the material isn't bad but the material deserves much better. It's such a great tale that I'd feel fairly assured in suggesting that it's almost impossible to make a mess of (though I'm sure that many have tried). The House Of Mouse have actually made a number of trips to this well with Muppet Treasure Island, Pirates Of The Caribbean (the ride and, of course, the popular movies deriving from the essence of Treasure Island) and Treasure Planet, to name but a few. This first attempt is probably the weakest of the ones I have seen but it still makes for passable entertainment.

Bobby Driscoll (known to Disney fans for his appearance in Song Of The South and his voicing of one Peter Pan) plays young Jim Hawkins, the lad who ends up with a pirate treasure map. He's also, along with everyone else in the tale, oblivious to the fact that Long John Silver (Robert Newton) is a scheming pirate. Which allows Long John Silver to help gather the crew that the few non-pirates need to acquire for their treasure hunt. Nobody seems suspicious despite the fact that Long John Silver has a parrot (one named after a pirate and that likes to squawk "pieces of eight", no less). Nobody seems to wonder just why Long John Silver says "aarrrrrr" so much. Surely these things are clues. Oh, and the fact that his name is Long John bloody Silver should have tipped people off.

Joking aside, the film suffers most from the same major problem that the source material had. Everything seems just a bit too over the top and obvious to take anyone by surprise. Those swarthy, coarse men are pirates?? They're all greedy enough to want the treasure for themselves?? Long John Silver has a cunning plan despite the fact that from the very beginning he looked like someone with a cunning plan?? Because the book left more to your imagination this wasn't really such a big problem. If things seemed too over the top and obvious then you could convince yourself that your imagination was at fault. The movie leaves you with no such excuse.

Byron Haskin directs competently enough and the script by Lawrence Edward Watkin translates the story quite faithfully. As the movie shared the big flaw of the book, so it shares the big plus point - the shifting moral compass of Long John Silver and the relationship that develops between him and Jim Hawkins. Everyone, and everything, is present and correct, from Billy Bones to Blind Pugh to the "black spot" to whatever else you can recall from the source material. Sadly, nothing really special is added to it all.

6/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Treasure-Island-DVD-Bobby-Driscoll/dp/B00004CZAC

Mexican Hayride (1948)

With Charles Barton directing once again and John Grant helping out with the screenplay, this is an Abbott & Costello movie that showcases our comedic duo at their easygoing best. It's not their finest hour, perhaps due to the source material (a play by Herbert and Dorothy Fields featuring Cole Porter musical numbers that were left out of the movie), but it's a lot of fun from beginning to end and features one or two truly wonderful routines.

Our two leads play a couple of conmen who end up making some money in Mexico. Of course, Lou is as oblivious to the real nature of the schemes while Bud tries to do whatever it takes to ensure the success of another great scheme. Things don't go smoothly and on the way there are amusing encounters with local food, a memorable elocution lesson and even some dangerously close contact with a bull.

While Mexican Hayride suffers in direct comparison to the previous A & C outing, the classic Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, it definitely keeps the quality level in line with most of their other movies that Charles Barton oversaw. Many people claim that he was the best director the boy ever had and it's hard to argue with that when you see him allowing the boys to play to their strengths time after time.

The script is by John Grant and Oscar Brodney, it's not quite a laugh-a-minute but there are plenty of one-liners and quick exchanges to keep fans happy. The cast all do well (especially Luba Malina as Dagmar) but they only float in and out of the picture to fill out the scenes in between the comedy set-pieces, which is as it should be when the leads are on such great form.

This is yet another fun outing for A & C from a time that, arguably, saw them at their very best.

8/10

http://www.amazon.com/Abbott-Costello-Complete-Universal-Collection/dp/B001EXE2Y2

In The Woods (1999)

In The Woods is so cringeworthy, so awful, so poorly acted, so incompetent in so many ways, so full of terrible dialogue that it's one of those bad movies that becomes comedy gold. Unfortunately, for me it's never the kind of comedy gold that makes you forgive it for all of the sins and clutch it to your heart and rewatch it every time you have a movie-themed party night. But I know that the man who recommended it to me would say otherwise, and I'm sure that he'd be able to gather quite a decent group of supporters.

It's the fact that the movie isn't COMPLETELY inept on every single level that just stops this from transforming into something really superb. Writer-director Lynn Drzick actually knows where to point the camera most of the time. Sadly, that would appear to be the limit of her knowledge as she doesn't seem able to wring even half-decent performances from a cast of uniformly terrible actors and her script is one of the most laughable things I've encountered on film since watching The Room.

I guess I should still attempt to describe the ridiculous plot. Alex Kerwood (D. J. Perry) is a firefighter who turns to the bottle whenever things get too stressful, much to the upset of his wife, Helen (Aimee Tenaglia). At the start of the movie we see Alex leaving a burning building and lashing out at people because someone died. He turns to drink to take the edge off the day. When Alex then goes for a day hunting with Wayne (Jim Greulich) everything takes a turn for the worse when the pair find a grave and Wayne insists on digging the thing up, in an effort to possibly find one of the victims of a killer who has been terrorising the area. Something chases the pair through the woods and they then turn to drink to take the edge off the day. It's not long before body parts are being left in the vicinity of Alex's house and big, bad, stuffed toys are causing havoc and . . . . . . . . . . . you'll probably end up having to turn to drink to take the edge off the day.

There are too many choice moments to tell you about here, too many examples of how laughably dire this whole thing is, I just can't single anything out. Well, maybe one or two highlights would include: the performance of Rachel Walker as she tries to win the award for absolute worst acting in a cast full of terrible actors, the "special" effects used throughout and, my own personal favourite, a serial killer who lets a couple of loose fingers spill from his bag while he's getting money out to pay for a new knife. You're possibly already laughing hard at what I've just told you but, I assure you, it's very, very true.

If you know what to expect from this awful movie then you'll still get some entertainment value from it. Everyone else should approach it with extreme caution or avoid it altogether.

2/10

http://www.amazon.co.uk/In-Woods-DVD-D-J-Perry/dp/B000OCYEFG/ref=sr_1_1?s=dvd&ie=UTF8&qid=1334609268&sr=1-1

The Strange Vice Of Mrs. Wardh (1971)

Sergio Martino is a name I have been hearing for years. His work is recommended by other horror fans who love his work and, having seen this movie and All The Colors Of The Dark, I can now honestly say that I know why he has so many fans.

This is a stylish giallo starring the gorgeous Edwige Fenech (who also, along with a few of the male cast members here, starred in "All The Colors...") as the Mrs. Wardh of the title. She used to like a bit of pain mixed with her sex (which explains her past relationship with the twisted Jean - played by Ivan Rassimov) but is now a happily married woman (her husband, Neil, is played by Alberto de Mendoza). By happily married I mean, of course, that Mrs. Wardh acts like a loving wife but isn't averse to having her head turned by the likes of hunky George (played by George Hilton). Her friend, Carol (Cristina Airoldi), positively encourages this potential dalliance. The fact that some maniac is killing women he views as whores definitely makes life difficult for anyone wanting to take an extra lover.

Have I mentioned recently how long I have held a candle for Edwige Fenech? How I could watch her in anything at all? Well, the big bonus is that the surrounding movie is usually pretty damn good when it's directed by Sergio Martino. And the lovely Edwige wasn't a shy starlet.

I'll grudgingly admit that the movie isn't a success thanks only to the presence of Miss Fenech. The rest of the cast are pretty good in their roles but it's the twisting plot (from the screenplay by Vittorio Caronia, Ernesto Gastaldi and Eduardo Manzanos Brochero) and top-notch direction that really makes this a superior giallo.

There may be more than a hint of free love and the fashions are decidedly of the era but this movie somehow still feels fresh and energetic as opposed to many other examples that have retained their entertainment value while also feeling a bit like a time capsule of the era. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised by the turn of events in the second half of the film and really appreciated the efforts made to intrigue and wrong-foot the viewer.

Definitely one to view if you're a fan of giallo, Sergio Martino and/or Edwige Fenech.

8/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0049UVAW4/ref=asc_df_B0049UVAW47445982?smid=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&tag=googlecouk06-21&linkCode=asn&creative=22206&creativeASIN=B0049UVAW4

The Haunting In Connecticut (2009)

I used to absolutely love haunted house movies. They would always entertain me and also scare the pants off me at the same time. The Amityville Horror (both versions), The Changeling, The Legend Of Hell House and The Haunting (1963) are a few of my favourites. Yet the tide of my opinion has been turning over the past 5-10 years. I think the fact that so many of them nowadays are labelled "based on a true story" or "based on the horrifying truth" or "based on the book based on the facts told to the neighbour by some previous owners" has turned me against them. Because, it seems, the more that they purport to be based on fact the easier it is to spot how false it all feels.

Here are a few common factors to spot in any modern haunted house movie "based on a true story" - the family is already under some kind of stress (emotional or financial), someone always helps them when things get a lot worse and, coincidentally, when the family unit is weakened. Kids are usually at the epicentre of events (this is often explained away by the fact that puberty and raging hormones encourages supernatural activity or some other hogwash). And, of course, most of the facts are based on testimonies as opposed to any actual, ummmm, evidence.

Like Mulder, I still want to believe. It's just getting harder and harder to remain a wannabe believer.

This movie doesn't help.Written by Adam Simon and Tim Metcalfe, and directed by Peter Cornwell, it checks off all of the factors just mentioned and then puts them together to create something dull, unscary, predictable and borderline incompetent (just count the amount of "jump" scares that don't work because of the way that the camera moves and/or scene blocking indicate what's about to occur).

It's a shame because this movie wastes a damn good cast. Virginia Madsen is always someone I enjoy watching onscreen (and sorry to be so shallow but is she getting even finer in her 50s??) while Martin Donovan is solid enough. They play the parents to a cancer-stricken young man played by the excellent Kyle Gallner. Amanda Crew is an acceptable young actress and then we have a supporting turn from the superb Elias Koteas. They're all left floundering.

The poor script isn't laughably bad but it's just dull and seems to be two steps behind the viewer. The CGI is sometimes okay but usually overdone and distractingly fake. The direction is awful. The only fact that rings true by the time the end credits roll is that you shouldn't waste your time on this.

3/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Haunting-in-Connecticut-the-DVD/dp/B0027UY836

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

If you haven't heard of this movie then you've led a very sheltered life. Plan 9 From Outer Space is often referred to as "the worst movie ever made" and when you watch the thing you can't help but think of that title. It makes it hard to take the movie seriously and yet it also makes it hard to hate.

The story is standard b-movie fare in some ways - aliens come down to Earth in flying saucers, fly around scaring folks and also reanimate corpses to . . . . . . . scare more folks. The real laughs come when you find out the motivation for all of this and see/hear the plot developments during the second half. It's so preposterous that I properly laughed out loud on a couple of occasions.

The man behind this cinematic lowpoint is, as many of you will already know, Edward D. Wood Jr. AKA Ed Wood. He directed the thing, and shows some tiny iota of competence despite the cheap design, all-too-fake props, bad acting and lack of continuity, but he also wrote the thing, which helps to overshadow that one tiny iota of competence. I've seen a LOT of bad movies (and, for the record, I don't think this is the worst thing I've ever watched) but I can't think of any that have suffered from such a poor script. When the events aren't being narrated as they occur onscreen we get some of the most inane conversations that you'll ever hear outside of any live Big Brother coverage.

The cast includes the brilliantly-monikered Dudley Manlove, the lumbering giant known as Tor Johnson, an old and frail Bela Lugosi, the lady known as Vampira and a selection of other people, some of whom at least try to work with the absurd material and some of them who don't even seem to do that.

The special effects look like they've been made by someone who couldn't even win a Blue Peter badge for themselves, the actions of the characters are almost as bad as the lines of dialogue given to each, Tom Mason is a terrible stand-in for Bela Lugosi and the material bookending the main storyline is ridiculous. I'm sure there are people who could easily nominate this as the worst movie that they've ever seen but I'm not one of them. I was never bored and I couldn't help having some affection for this filmed failure. I still have to say that it's very, very bad though. Just not the worst.

3/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Plan-From-Outer-Space-DVD/dp/B00005KH0Y

The Alley Cats (1966)

Directed by Radley Metzger and written by Peter Fernandez, The Alley Cats shows you "the swinging sixties like you've never seen them" according to the DVD cover. Which would be correct if by 1966 people hadn't already seen folk freaking out to crazy tunes and then bedhopping like nymphomaniac rabbits. But isn't that what we've always seen of/associated with the swinging sixties. Those who were around at the time lived it, even if they can't remember most of it, and those who grew up in later years were told and shown just how it was. A mixture of free spirits, free love and freeing fashions.

The Alley Cats gives you all that you would expect as a "time capsule" from this era but it somehow manages to make all of the shenanigans, the sexual encounters and the fluid sexuality incredibly boring. Hard as that may be to believe, this is a dull, dull movie that proves to be about as erotically charged as an episode of Thunderbirds.

Anne Arthur plays Leslie, a young woman who suspects her fiance Logan (Charlie Hickman) of not being entirely faithful to her. Logan, to be fair, isn't being entirely faithful to her as he likes playing around with Leslie's friend, Agnes (Karin Field). Because popular TV shows such as Jerry Springer, The Jeremy Kyle Show, etc weren't around at this time, Leslie decides to solve her problem by "dallying" with Christian (Harald Baerow).  And Irena (Sabrina Koch) isn't looking too unattractive either.

There is nothing I can say about The Alley Cats that really needs to be said. If you see it then you probably won't run screaming from the room, asking for someone to douse your flaming eyeballs. But you probably won't want to ever see it again either. It's just rubbish, quite frankly, but disappointingly bland and inoffensive rubbish. Which, when you think about it, is almost the worst kind of rubbish.

3/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Alley-Cats-DVD-US-NTSC/dp/B00000JWWS

Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)

Bringing together two things I loved in my youth, Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein easily remains one of my favourite A & C outings. Of course, purists will balk at a number of factors. The fact that they don't actually MEET Frankenstein but, rather, Frankenstein's monster is one minor criticism often brought up but I must say that this is simply a minor error in an effort to truncate the title because throughout the film the monster is known as The Monster (or Junior, etc). It is never mislabelled as Frankenstein. The other criticism often levelled at this film, and a major one, is that it really was the end of the line for the classic Universal monsters and many fans of those great horror movies saw this as a real dignity-stripping fanfare for the villains they loved (Glenn Strange plays "The Monster" while Bela Lugosi returns to play Dracula and Lon Chaney Jr. once again embodies Larry Talbot/The Wolfman). This is a harder criticism to just shrug off and I think it comes down to personal taste. The monsters themselves aren't necessarily the butt of most of the jokes but they're certainly not the feared figures they once were. Personally, I love the clash between that world of cobwebs and creaking coffin lids and the patter of Abbott & Costello.

The plot sees our comedy duo getting themselves caught up in quite a monster mash between all of those I've already mentioned. I don't think I need to say any more though I will say that the plot has at least been created with a decent idea or two used to bring this motley crew together.

Director Charles Barton is at the helm once again and does a great job, once again. The performances are all quite enjoyable - as well as those icons of horror we also have decent support from Lenore Aubert, Jane Randolph, Frank Ferguson and Charles Bradstreet (there's even a fleeting cameo from Vincent Price) - and the movie wastes no time in setting up the action and wringing the laughs from it. Robert Lees, Frederic I. Rinaldo and John Grant are back on the writing duties and the premise of the movie allows them to create some real gems. This is the movie with the following, unforgettable exchange -

Larry Talbot: "You don't understand. Every night when the moon is full, I turn into a wolf."
Wilbur: "You and twenty million other guys."

I wish I could recommend this to everyone and know that they would like it as unconditionally as I do but I know that will never happen. In the meantime, I just hope that some people give it a viewing soon and find themselves laughing more often than not.

9/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Abbott-Costello-Meet-Frankenstein-Mummy/dp/B000GKHM28

Kelly's Heroes (1970)

I can't start a review of Kelly's Heroes without first relating a memory. A memory that goes all the way back to my early teens when the home entertainment market was still lorded over by the wonder of VHS. In my home we had a copy of Kelly's Heroes. It was quite a good movie but back then I felt it was a bit long and it didn't hold my attention from start to finish in the same way as, for instance, Stir Crazy did.
One of my best mates, Robbie, loved it. Absolutely loved it. But he didn't have it in his house. He only had access to my copy (well, not MINE but you know what I mean). This meant that during our school holidays, when the Scottish weather was predictably dire, I watched a lot of Kelly's Heroes. As did Robbie. In fact, he even borrowed it for a few months and tried to watch it every day while he had it. Which tells you that this movie is one that some people just absolutely love.

For anyone who has seen Three Kings, this is a definite forerunner to that movie. Clint Eastwood plays Kelly, a soldier who luckily happens on some information regarding of a LARGE stash of gold being held behind enemy lines. Instead of the American soldiers fighting Germans without respite just because they're ordered to do so it becomes easier to motivate themselves when they know that they can make themselves rich. But it's obviously not going to be easy.

Written by Troy Kennedy-Martin (and, believe it or not, this wild ride has a basis in truth) and directed by Brian G. Hutton, Kelly's Heroes is a great mix of war movie, heist movie and standard comedy. There are, as my mate Robbie will testify, many quotable lines from the variety of characters onscreen. And what a collection of folk we have.

Eastwood is still at his squinty best, even if he is wearing military garb as opposed to a poncho or NY detective badge, while I just have to namecheck the rest of my favourites now so that I don't miss anyone out. Telly Savalas - brash and very likeable as Big Joe. Don Rickles - great fun as a man interested in making money who resents having to do some work for it. Donald Sutherland - stealing every scene that he's in as Oddball. Stuart Margolin - highly entertaining as Little Joe. There are also great turns from Carroll O'Connor, Gavin MacLeod, Hal Buckley, Jeff Morris and Harry Dean Stanton (billed here as just Dean Stanton). The more eagle-eyed viewers can also try spotting John Landis in an uncredited cameo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . as a nun.

Watching Kelly's Heroes nowadays is a bit of a frustrating experience because I have to admit that, all those years ago, Robbie was right. He may have gone overboard with his love for the movie but it's a movie that deserves at least a bit of love and recognition. Give it a try and see how much you end up loving it.

8/10.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Kellys-Heroes-Blu-ray-Region-Free/dp/B0030A0ZE8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333809424&sr=8-1

The Wistful Widow Of Wagon Gap (1947)

AKA The Wistful Widow.

One of the best movies starring Abbott & Costello, this comedy Western contains a great mix of verbal and physical humour and has considerably less of the annoying mugging and childish behaviour that Lou Costello had been making his trademark over the preceding decade. He's still a naive and nervy "little boy" but doesn't need to make funny whining noises and/or do a double-take every two minutes.

The plot sees our two leads heading in to a dangerous town to try and make a buck or ten. They're only there for a few minutes when someone dies and Lou gets blamed for it. Thankfully, instead of being given a death sentence the two men are ordered to support the widow and family of the deceased and to help pay off the dead man's debts. This is demoralising and tiring for Lou, who has to work from sunrise to sunset, but things take a turn for the better when he realises that nobody wants any harm to come to him. Why? Because if they are found responsible for his death then they have to take over the responsibility and put up with the fearsome widow. Having found the secret to becoming almost untouchable, Lou is made the sheriff of the town and begins to enjoy himself a little. But there's always going to be a time when a sheriff, even an apparently untouchable one, will get into some serious trouble.

Director Charles Barton gets plenty right here. The script (by John Grant, Robert Lees and Frederic I. Rinaldo) helps a lot, as do the performances, but Barton brings everything together in just the right amounts. Abbott and Costello fans will enjoy the standard A & C comedy but there are also many moments for fans of standard Westerns to enjoy.

Marjorie Main is very entertaining as Widow Hawkins, as is George Cleveland (who plays the Judge), while Gordon Jones, William Ching, Audrey Young and the others onscreen all do very well. The two leads, as already mentioned, are on top form with a mix of one-liners and enjoyable physical comedy.

Definitely a movie that fans of A & C will want to see and, hopefully, love as much as I do.

8/10.

http://www.amazon.com/Abbott-Costello-Complete-Universal-Collection/dp/B001EXE2Y2

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

There's something within me that gets angry at me while I enjoy movies sometimes. Some small part of me that knows that I SHOULD know better. It tries to distract me with shame and inner turmoil and whispers of how inept I am. Even after all this time it still tries, despite knowing that it won't work. Especially while I watch something I enjoy as much as 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Following on, of course, from The Fast And The Furious comes this - a videogame in all but the formatting. But the videogames that it replicates are some of my favourites, the likes of GTA and Driver. This is the only reason I can give as to why I enjoy it so much.

To be fair, the cast is pretty good. Paul Walker returns as ex-cop Brian, and he's the star of the show (no Vin Diesel for this instalment), but he's ably supported by Tyrese Gibson (who is a LOT of fun), Eva Mendes, Cole Hauser, Thom Barry, James Remar, Devon Aoki, and a number of other good folks. And 'Ludacris'.

That videogame plot is summed up thus: Paul Walker and Tyrese Gibson are shown racing at different events before the action changes to an official police matter. Both men have to help the law get a charge to stick on their main baddie (Hauser) while racing around and avoiding being shot. That's it.

Michael Brandt and Derek Haas are the men who put their names to the screenplay here but it seems to me that they just squeezed in a few car chases in between guys saying "aaiiiiiiight" and "bro/bru" and plenty of cool handshakes and fistbumps. If you think I'm exaggerating then just monitor the dialogue for the first 20 minutes of the film. Aiiiight?

The cars look gorgeous, all pimped out and souped up, and the movie has a great energy as it barrels along from beginning to end. Many may dislike the editing, which is too hyperactive in places, but it fits in with that videogame aesthetic (the dialogue moments actually feel like "cutscenes" in between missions).

Director John Singleton may not be the most obvious choice for this kind of film but he handles it well and gives audiences a movie that won't disappoint those who know exactly what they want from the franchise - fast cars, simple language and a smattering of attractive women. Yep, you can happily switch your brain off as soon as you hear those engines being switched on.

7/10.

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We interrupt this non-writing for some non-writing.

Well, well, well. Normailty has just about crept back into my life after the sheer craziness of the Dead By Dawn horror movie fest.

FULL reviews of every movie will appear on Flickfeast soon and I'm very, very close to finally having a bit of time back to myself, allowing me to once again post some reviews on this here blog.

In the meantime, I thought I'd post a couple of links here for anyone interested/unbalanced.

My selection of preferred YouTube stuff is HERE.

And my reviews of movies, shorts and TV shows on IMDb can be located HERE.

I hope that passes the time for the one person clicking on this blog and awaiting a new review. Normal disservice will be resumed tomorrow.

Oh, in all seriousness, a big thank you to the people who do stop by and read my nonsense and lead me to discover a pleasant surprise on the odd occasion when I check the traffic numbers. Muchos gracias.